Anonymous wrote:I’m a Jewish woman married to a non-Jewish man. We’re raising our children Jewish.

It would have been completely unfair of me to disallow my DH’s family traditions. He didn’t convert to Judaism, so why should he have to give up everything he learned as a child? It is weird for me to have a tree in my home, but it’s part of my DH’s heritage, just as he never had a menorah —or a sukkah or a Seder plate—in his home when he was growing up. There have been great conversations with DS about family observances stemming from the tree & travel to visit my ILs on Christmas.

It’s something you’re going to have to seriously discuss as part of a multicultural household. Allow some room.

It sounds like OP thinks that his religion and traditions are somehow more weighty and important than his girlfriend's religious background and traditions are.

OP, is that the case?

Anonymous wrote:When you date or marry outside your religion, you’re on a crash course for disaster.

17:50

This is absolutely not true, as long as you have the necessary conversations early in the “we’re heading towards marriage/cohabitation” part of the relationship, and are honest with yourself and your partner.

When you date or marry outside your religion, you’re on a crash course for disaster.

I’m a Jewish woman married to a non-Jewish man. We’re raising our children Jewish.

It would have been completely unfair of me to disallow my DH’s family traditions. He didn’t convert to Judaism, so why should he have to give up everything he learned as a child? It is weird for me to have a tree in my home, but it’s part of my DH’s heritage, just as he never had a menorah —or a sukkah or a Seder plate—in his home when he was growing up. There have been great conversations with DS about family observances stemming from the tree & travel to visit my ILs on Christmas.

It’s something you’re going to have to seriously discuss as part of a multicultural household. Allow some room.

I'm a Jewish guy engaged to a Catholic woman. We haven't encountered this issue yet, because we've lived separate til now, but I fully expect a big, bright Christmas tree in my house next Christmas. I've seen how much joy she gets from decorating the tree and the rituals. To deny that to her would just be cruel. I even proposed on Christmas Eve, in part because I thought that would make it more special to her and her family. To be sure, I'm not particularly religious, so to me it is easy -- I see something that brings her a lot of happiness at no or little cost to me. But I think the broader point is: if you know it makes her happy--and it makes you happy, when it is her home -- why would you ever even think curtailing that? How could you do that to a loved one? Perhaps it's because your religious beliefs are stronger than your love of her. If so, you should own up to that, and recognize its primacy in your heart. As someone who thinks it is really hard to find someone that you love deeply and want to be with, I think that would be really, really stupid. But if that's your conviction, so be it. I think you need to ask yourself why it seems like a big deal to you and assess appropriately. I wish you luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’m a Jewish woman married to a a Jewish man and I get it 100%. It seems like it’s a deal breaker.

You sound like my MIL and SIL who definitely wanted DH to marry a Jewish girl. It didn’t happen.

Are you sure you will be OK that she is not into Judaism?

“Your House” no longer...it will be a shared home. If you cannot tolerate a Christmas Tree, don’t continue this relationship. Assume you expect her to tolerate a Menorah.

I am a jewish man. I am not religious. But, I have lived all my life as a minority and have been ostracized as a child for my religious (lived in the Deep South for a while).

I will not have a Christmas Tree in my house; my house is my oasis from living in a christian society.

With that said, it is completely unfair to require her to not have the symbols in her house.

My solution to that was to only date like minded jews.

It seems to me that if this is a deal breaker, then the relationship needs to end.

We know a couple who handle it this way. They have a Christmas tree but put a yarmulke on the top branch instead of a pointy start ornament and "name" the tree. This year it was called Nathan. It works for them!

OP- I’m a Jewish woman married to a a Jewish man and I get it 100%. It seems like it’s a deal breaker.

Anonymous wrote:I am single Jewish dad with two kids at home. I have been going out with a single non-Jewish mom with one kid. We are thinking of eventually moving in together, but one issue separates us. As much as it is important for her to have a Christmas tree in the living room, it is important to me that we don't have a Christmas tree in the living room. She is not particularly religious, but the tree is a symbol of the holidays. Her compromise is to decorate the tree with both Chanukah and Christmas ornaments. I do go to synagogue -- and yes I have heard the guidance that if this were so important to me then I should have only dated Jewish women (I tried that without success but that is the subject of another post). She is very supportive of my Jewish observance, although she has no interest in exploring it for herself. As we live apart, I enjoy helping her celebrate the Christmas holiday with a tree; my issue is having the tree in my (or our) home. How have others navigated this difficult issue?

I'm on the other side here. Raised Catholic, Jewish partner. I was the more observant one. However, we personally feel our life as a family is better when we're open to each other's traditions and share them as such with our kids. I've learned to make challah and gefilte fish, we have latkes and dreidels at Hannukah, we even go out for Tu B'av (less crowded than Valentin's Day). I prefer a small table top type tree (small kids under 5) and we have both come to love decorating it and listening to Christmas music. Stockings, crackers, the whole shebang -- we embrace it and the kids love it. We do Easter with the kids. We also celebrate a third set of holidays due to one of the cultures we are from, but that's another story. The more the merrier in our house. We have friends in different communities.

I think what unites us is not the religion per se but the fact that both of us have grown away from institutionalized religion and try to find the simpler spiritual values in our faiths. I really like that my partner is non-dogmatic and focused on holidays as a way to celebrate with family, enjoy some good food, learn about different traditions.

The inlaws, however, were another story. Good luck!

*If* this were the only thing, I would see if you could do this as an accommodation with her, but I think that you need to have a wide-ranging discussion about how these things will work. Will she expect you to come to church with her. Will she come to synagogue with you on important holidays. Will she support you in terms of your day to day efforts to instill Jewish values in your kids? I think that you need to think through these things and work them out.

I say Nay to you, good sir. I implore to you. Your losses in love are nothing - mere trifles - compared to what you have in store. Nay, pray you hold onto your beliefs and be left alone rather than compromise. I pray you hold fast or you will be driven mad.

You will bequeath this seemingly small kindness. But OH LORD you will suffer so. You will come home, during the joyful holiday season, racked with resentment - anger - RAGE EVEN! You will see this thing - this tree for god's sake! in your living room. And it will twinkle at you - slowly --- deliberately and taunt you. Yes! Taunt you! It will glimmer with its gaudy babbles and cheap trinkets and lights...those never ending all seeing and all knowing lights! You were dragged to Home Depot for those boxes of blinking monstrosities.

And it will eat at you. How dare she? SHE'S NOT EVEN THAT RELIGIOUS!! You will seethe. Quietly at first. You will look at the tree and back at her and you will start to feel it. That damn tree. You will smell it. You will feel it on your skin.

So you will retreat. At first it will be for moments - which slowly unfold to hours and days to the garage. You will not stand it. That insidious tree. You will taste the bile at the back of your throat and the nauseousness soon to come.

She will try to talk to you -- pleading, begging - "Dude you gotta get a grip - you're weirding me out." But NO! You will not. Because you know that the tree is the reason behind all your suffering. So you will retreat more.

She will pack her things. Hurriedly - looking at you with sadness, confusion - fear? You care not. You will have to get away from that tree. So you will retreat more.

The house will be quiet. Just you and the tree. You will only venture to the bathroom and the occasional kitchen need. But you will stay in your garage for seemingly hours? days? years...you will be waiting. Because you will hear it. That tree. It is growing, you will say. You will hear it reaching for you and you will know...the glow will get ever brighter under the garage door.

Nay, my lord. I pray that you hold steadfast in your beliefs and bid her farewell. You know what will happen if you do not. God speed!

It sounds like she has been willing to compromise on this a bit already. I mean you knew when you started dating that she doesn't share your beliefs. if she's not Jewish why would you expect her to observe the holidays like a Jew? This is not going to work unless you are also willing to compromise and support what's important to her. Do her a favor and move on.