Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.
The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.
I'm going to stop you right there. No one is talking about being a Pinterest perfect parent. Being a parent is hard, . Being hard is not an excuse to be emotionally negligent or abusive. If you're spending all day yelling at your kid is resenting your kid for being a child you need to seek help. What happens in childhood matters it doesn't just magically go away when you turn 18.
Yeah, I don't think anyone said this was okay. I just also don't like this movement of painting all moms that struggled with this brush of 'BPD" now, in retrospect, from our positions of more knowledge and resources and countless more options. It just isn't fair. And I would be carefyl about setting that example for your own children.
I don't think it is a "movement." I do think that children of moms with PDs struggle, and so might show up disproportionately on advice boards. Anyway, the OP isn't posting about her relationship with her mom. She is posting about her relationship with her kids. Your focus on the OP's mom says something about you. I have a few good guesses.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.
The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.
I'm going to stop you right there. No one is talking about being a Pinterest perfect parent. Being a parent is hard, . Being hard is not an excuse to be emotionally negligent or abusive. If you're spending all day yelling at your kid is resenting your kid for being a child you need to seek help. What happens in childhood matters it doesn't just magically go away when you turn 18.
Yeah, I don't think anyone said this was okay. I just also don't like this movement of painting all moms that struggled with this brush of 'BPD" now, in retrospect, from our positions of more knowledge and resources and countless more options. It just isn't fair. And I would be carefyl about setting that example for your own children.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...
1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.
PP, would you consider yourself unempathetic, or just someone who loses patience? As someone in the more "unempathetic" camp, I find Janet Lansbury to be useless. My issue is not losing patience or getting angry, but rather a tendence to disconnect from people in general that can unfortunately impact my parenting as well. Lansbury really seems to push interacting with your children in an unnatural way that does not foster connection. Obviously if your issue is losing patience and screaming at your kid, she may have better tips. But to create genuine CONNECTION, there is no one set of magic words or behaviors. Taking a break can be another way to isolate yourself. The only parenting advice I've found that helps is Stanley Greenspan and other writers who emphasize getting on your kids wavelength in a physical and emotional way (kind of definition of empathy.) I don't need RIE to tell me to promote independent play or whatever. I know how to do that!
In what way?
Anonymous wrote:I see myself becoming my mother. She was never " in tune" to us. She had a way of making everything about her and not really letting us express ourselves. I can't really explain it but basically she was more into the image if motherhood and being respected than actually getting to know us. I always wanted a close relationship. The kind where I could not be afraid to tell her about my bad day because she would just brush my feelings aside. Or worry about what mood she'd be in. Or be yelled at if I didn't think they way she thought.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...
1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.
PP, would you consider yourself unempathetic, or just someone who loses patience? As someone in the more "unempathetic" camp, I find Janet Lansbury to be useless. My issue is not losing patience or getting angry, but rather a tendence to disconnect from people in general that can unfortunately impact my parenting as well. Lansbury really seems to push interacting with your children in an unnatural way that does not foster connection. Obviously if your issue is losing patience and screaming at your kid, she may have better tips. But to create genuine CONNECTION, there is no one set of magic words or behaviors. Taking a break can be another way to isolate yourself. The only parenting advice I've found that helps is Stanley Greenspan and other writers who emphasize getting on your kids wavelength in a physical and emotional way (kind of definition of empathy.) I don't need RIE to tell me to promote independent play or whatever. I know how to do that!
Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...
1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...
1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.
I completely agree on No Bad Kids.. it helped me to understand why my kids were acting the way they were and that they were struggling to control their emotions and not sociopaths.
I'm not always empathetic to their moods but do my best to fake it and I think that does wonders for calming the situation.
And when you can't get a handle on their emotions or your own, walk away, take a breath and come back.
Also came here to post about Janet Lansbury! I also like how a big piece of her philosophy is about setting your own boundaries as a parent and not completely surrendering yourself to the role of Mom. Those of us who grew up with inconsistent or unstable parents often swing back in the other direction and become overinvolved and obsessed with trying to be everything for our kids (like the codependent kids of narcissists a pp mentioned).
Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...
1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...
1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.
I completely agree on No Bad Kids.. it helped me to understand why my kids were acting the way they were and that they were struggling to control their emotions and not sociopaths.
I'm not always empathetic to their moods but do my best to fake it and I think that does wonders for calming the situation.
And when you can't get a handle on their emotions or your own, walk away, take a breath and come back.
Anonymous wrote:A few things OP...
1) Reading Janet Lansbury has really helped me with this. I actually re-read parts of No Bad Kids every few months when I feel like I'm getting frustrated and/or angry too often.
2) Model for your kids. When you realize what's happening, immediately say something like: "I'm getting so frustrated. I just really need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down." Then later, you can apologize to them if appropriate and try to explain what happened.
3) We all lose it from time to time. Parenting young kids is hard. Give yourself a break and know that getting frustrated that your kid is throwing a tantrum about what socks he wants to wear doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes, everyone’s mom has a diagnosable personality disorder. Please. Perpertuating the idea that we must be engaged but respectful and awesome is what causes so many of us to feel inferior.
The truth is, even now, with awareness and help and men helping - this shit is hard. It just is. Work on you and improving. Stop blaming your mothers. How juvenile.
I'm going to stop you right there. No one is talking about being a Pinterest perfect parent. Being a parent is hard, . Being hard is not an excuse to be emotionally negligent or abusive. If you're spending all day yelling at your kid is resenting your kid for being a child you need to seek help. What happens in childhood matters it doesn't just magically go away when you turn 18.