Anonymous wrote:OP, do you work or have access to joint funds? What will happen if you just call the plumber and get the work done, cut a check and call it a day? This is what i would do.

Also you need to have a come to Jesus with DH. About how there were dysfunctional patterns in your families of origin and how you should both try consistently do better for your kids. For the types of things you described - i would say marriage therapy is definitely warranted. But both have to be willing.

Thank you for your support, seriously. Agree that marriage counseling would be optimal - but if DH agreed to that, he would have to also agree that his family of origin is less than picture perfect, which would never (yes, never) happen. But yes, I agree owning the issues and looking to correct them is step one. I try to do that with my family of origin - I think he was attracted to me because I was opposite of his meltdown prone, anxiety ridden mother. I do not know how much I can do myself, but I am willing and trying. I don't escalate, because I know that is what he wants, because that is (having spent a decent amount of time around his family, by now) what he is accustomed to. Anything for attention. For example, he has learned that people listen to him when he complains about money, so that is what he does, even though it is not really an issue. I would love to talk to a therapist that is familiar with familial disorders, and some of the issues I mention, and where to go from here. I think I should at least try implementing some tried and true methods before I throw in the towel.

OP, do you work or have access to joint funds? What will happen if you just call the plumber and get the work done, cut a check and call it a day? This is what i would do.

Also you need to have a come to Jesus with DH. About how there were dysfunctional patterns in your families of origin and how you should both try consistently do better for your kids. For the types of things you described - i would say marriage therapy is definitely warranted. But both have to be willing.

Anonymous wrote:This water heater thing is insane. I think you are too patient. I would have called a plumber on day 2. Can you just steam roll over your DH and call in a handyman/professional? How would your DH react?

+1000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of cancer? I have had basal skin cancer and it wasn’t a big deal. I have thrown my back out and it was a huge deal. My sister had early stage breast cancer and itwas a medium + deal. So there is a range there for both things.

I am sorry you had a cancer diagnosis and that your DH threw his back out. Both deserve empathy from spouse.

Throwing your back out was a huge deal but you sister’s breast cancer was a medium deal? You know there is always a risk of early stage cancer getting worse or coming back, right? Your back pain doesn’t have the potential to be terminal.

Yes, she had a lumpectomy and no radiation or chemo. As far as cancer goes, it was a medium deal.

Maybe we can focus on the matter at hand (instead of who was closer to death)?

I thought of another situation, when we were traveling, we were stuck during a major snow storm. DH tried to "get us out" (which as you know by now, only mans exacerbating the situation by ten thousand times) - he vehemently insisted (INSISTED) on turning the car around and parking the car FACING traffic while we waited for help. We almost got killed, because naturally, oncoming traffic thought that we were moving toward them (this was on an eight lane highway).

I am waiting for more bath water to boil, writing this, thinking I should write a book.....

Thank you for listening, and for any advice. This is truly cathartic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of cancer? I have had basal skin cancer and it wasn’t a big deal. I have thrown my back out and it was a huge deal. My sister had early stage breast cancer and itwas a medium + deal. So there is a range there for both things.

I am sorry you had a cancer diagnosis and that your DH threw his back out. Both deserve empathy from spouse.

Throwing your back out was a huge deal but you sister’s breast cancer was a medium deal? You know there is always a risk of early stage cancer getting worse or coming back, right? Your back pain doesn’t have the potential to be terminal.

Yes, she had a lumpectomy and no radiation or chemo. As far as cancer goes, it was a medium deal.

OP here. Writing out the truth is mind blowing. You would never know this if you met DH.

OP here. I think it is DH trying to "channel" unloving/uncaring parents - "if I do it this way" (as effed up as possible) the unloving/uncaring parents would approve?? Their family was extremely dysfunctional, on top of anxiety, on top of abuse. There was no love there (unless they needed something, of course) - constant seeking approval of the most abusive/uncaring people. Drama got attention, anything else did not. DH felt ignored, wants to feel important. Just brainstorming what comes to mind, in my desperate attempt to understand something completely foreign to me. I am trying to look out for the kids.

I fully realize that I am too patient, I barely react anymore. I think I am desensitized. Coming from a somewhat normal family, I thought most/all other families were somewhat normal, too? Clearly not the case. My feelings range from shock to depression to just getting by - whatever it takes for my kids to be safe and feel cared for (everything DH was not, growing up in his dysfunctional house).

Throw DH's extreme stubbornness, needing to make a point, and control issues (all of which his parents clearly had, in collecting information over the years) it is DH's perfect storm.

This water heater thing is insane. I think you are too patient. I would have called a plumber on day 2. Can you just steam roll over your DH and call in a handyman/professional? How would your DH react?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should add - everything, no matter what, is about money - it could have nothing to do with money, and it is still about money. We are sitting here into week two of no hot water in the house, in the middle of winter, because he insists on trying to "fix" the gas hot water heater. Did I mention that DH is not at all (AT ALL) handy. He just ordered an obscure part that is not available anywhere (we tried specialty plumbing stores, in person, I asked all the questions, because DH tends to go off on tangents).

In other words, laypeople are not supposed to be fixing this stuff, it is for trades people only (reminder: gas is involved). So, here we go. If it keeps up tomorrow, I am calling in a company to replace it without him knowing, and the kids and I will go to to hotel for a shower today. But then again, he is taking hot showers at work, so screw the kids and I, apparently.

OP, this sounds worse than anxiety. I don't know.what it is, complete lack of empathy? No common sense plus anxiety plus something else?

OP again. Sorry, it is just so upsetting after a while. This has been years. I am boiling water for the kids to bathe.

Point being, if it really is all about money, how about not consistently causing the situation to cost a hundred times what it would have, if we addressed the situation properly in the first place. I can not possibly foresee all the trouble he causes, and it is exhausting. Thanks for listening.

OP here. I should add - everything, no matter what, is about money - it could have nothing to do with money, and it is still about money. We are sitting here into week two of no hot water in the house, in the middle of winter, because he insists on trying to "fix" the gas hot water heater. Did I mention that DH is not at all (AT ALL) handy. He just ordered an obscure part that is not available anywhere (we tried specialty plumbing stores, in person, I asked all the questions, because DH tends to go off on tangents).

In other words, laypeople are not supposed to be fixing this stuff, it is for trades people only (reminder: gas is involved). So, here we go. If it keeps up tomorrow, I am calling in a company to replace it without him knowing, and the kids and I will go to to hotel for a shower today. But then again, he is taking hot showers at work, so screw the kids and I, apparently.

Anonymous wrote:Do people choose to throw their back out?

In my husband’s case, yes. When he is stressed about work and not managing to deal with it he magically throws his back out. It’s like his body telling him to slow down. When he deals with his stress he magically remembers to do his stretches and generally take care of himself.

My MIL is like this and it isn’t anxiety. She just has no common sense and too much time so she makes all situations way more complicated than they need to be. Also never thinks about how it impacts others. Mostly she wastes her own time and money so I don’t care, but then I have to hear about the whole story so it’s annoying.

Examples -
I send her a link for a cheap $5 toy on Amazon that my 4yr old would enjoy for his birthday. She has Prime. It was on prime - not an add-on. She takes the link, prints a copy of the picture and blows it up to see the brand name. Proceeds to call every store in her town asking if they have it after she went to 3 stores in person. In person at Micheals she talks to the manager to ask if they can stock it for her. It’s those capsules that melt in hot water and turn into little sponge animals.

Friend in UK’a mom dies. She wants to send flowers. She doesn’t find an online florist or call the funeral home in Scotland. She calls a local florist and of course the florist can’t process her check??? Or a foreign credit card?? So she asks the friend whose mom died to pay the florist and pays her back.

I work from home and there have been many times when I’ve been at their house on a long visit on a work day and working from their office. I hear her start her day with coffee at 9am.. Around 10 she starts making calls and deals with random customer service things until 1-2pm!! Sending emails, following up, leaving detailed Amazon and Etsy reviews “because they invited me to”, calling store managers about obscure questions / products she can buy online, etc. Then she breaks for lunch and runs an errand. When she gets home at 5-6pm she wonders what to have for dinner and inevitably needs to go to the store. She is the most inefficient person I have ever met - and so busy! She is always stressed about how busy she is with all the busy work she makes for herself.

Anonymous wrote:This thread is giving me anxiety. These spouses seem so incompetent. This isn't normal.

OP here. This is how I feel! It is an out body experience to see that there are obvious reactions, and obvious things NOT to do - but DH will, without fail, do exactly what not to do! It is completely contrary to how I was raised, where common sense is valued and stressed, and those without it are seen as (insert negative word here). So yes, it is extremely frustrating and baffling to me. There haz got to be a productive way to address this, though I am fairly sure that common sense can not be taught. Like others say, it seems to be anxiety, which makes perfect sense if you look at DH's family. One of DH's parents was very bright and accomplished, and the other was ...........not well exercised in common sense......I am certain the smart one often lost their cool with the not so smart one. (Not saying that all people who lack common sense have anxiety OR are not smart, that is just how it was in DH's family, but it took years to put the puzzle pieces together, because DH's family does not talk about this freely).