Anonymous wrote:
We also have a great nanny who we pay well who takes a ton of things off my plate (kids' laundry, sick days, remembers things like trash day, etc.).

The key to a successful two career family is to hire another wife. I love the modern world.

OP, how old is/are your child/ren? That was the real key for me. DH and I were double biglaw for several years after our first two were born (we have 3 now). I was not partner track but was well regarded, and probably could have stayed more years. I didn't want to. I left to go to a smaller firm and may make partner in another year or two, still travel some, but the hours expectations and stress levels are more moderate than biglaw. I'm now the default home-for-the-nanny parent but DH respects my career and does what he needs to do when I travel for work or am crunched.

As to the default parent thing, I was the default parent the entire time, but after several years as my kids got older, I found that I *wanted* to be. I like planning their birthday parties and volunteering in the classroom periodically, and I want to hear what the pediatrician says at their checkups. I'm an orderly person and don't resent swapping out too-small clothes. I'm not a great cook but can whip up a reasonable array of weeknight meals. I like my kids and they are way more fun as they get older. I also think it's more important to be around as they get older, so that's what I'm doing. This balance makes me happy and makes me feel like I'm maintaining a good career and being a good parent. Sort of like the PP said, you can be right or you can be happy. Obviously it would be nice if DH worked less on weekends and was home earlier all the time, but he kind of has to make his own choices in the context of a range of what works for our family. This works for our family right now.

We also have a great nanny who we pay well who takes a ton of things off my plate (kids' laundry, sick days, remembers things like trash day, etc.).

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Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

I make $220k and we have healthy savings. He grew up with a lot of financial insecurity (immigrant from a war torn country where his family lost everything) so has outsized views of what is "necessary" to feel secure.

I really am interested in how other couples have this dynamic play out - we need to work through our misalignment likely with the help of a therapist, I'm mainly just curious right now how others do or don't find a sustainable dynamic.

In that case, percentages of income shouldn't matter. You would be quite well off even if he made the same as you and could live a comfortable life and provide for your kids. You could even support the family on your income alone - so even if he lost his job, your family would be ok after some adjustments! So his arguments are on shaky grounds, objectively.
Can you argue that the value that you see in him as a spouse and as a father is more than an additional half a million a year (or whatever the difference in salary would be)?
If you are worried about your career and if he is not willing to adjust - hire more help, possibly a full time nanny (from his income). If he is not willing to do that...I am not sure what I would do. I would likely divorce.

I'm not sure I agree. I make about what OP makes. My spouse makes more, although maybe not as much as OP's husband. I don't think it is unreasonable that I am the default parent, not so much because she makes a lot more than me, but because her job is much less flexible. It only makes sense for me to place this role. That we could live on my salary (we really couldn't, even living pretty frugally on our HHI) doesn't really matter in my mind

You couldn’t live on $220K?

We would have to move and pull the kids out of daycare, drastically cut if not eliminate savings, among other changes. Could we if something serious happened and we had to make major changes? Sure. It would literally be possible. But it would require changes we wouldn't want to make absent an emergency, and I don't think that should be the standard here.

You either have an enormous mortgage or huge student loan debt.

Sheesh.

Not really. No loans. PITI is $5,000, but that is a 15-yr so it isn't a crazy mortgage or luxurious house in this area. But to go from around $650k HHI to $220k is a big shift that we wouldn't want to make unless we really had to. Even if a lot of that difference is savings, we like being able to save extensively to give us options going forward.

Anonymous wrote:If you have so much money, outsource everything and stop whining.

But then what would she complain about???

Threads like these crack me up. Inevitably they're due to these women having massive egos and needing their husband to pile on the praise for her super high income and magic wonder special career, when in reality these guys don't give a shit about their wife's career at all and if she quit tomorrow to stay home, he'd shrug and move on with his day.

If you have so much money, outsource everything and stop whining.

Anonymous wrote:But we don't need the income level he makes - he wants the career / prestige - but the money isn't necessary to support our family and raise our kids well. So why does his career decision unilaterally get to determine mine?

Because he doesn't value your career and doesn't need your income, therefore his expectation is for you to take on more parenting tasks that he does value you doing. I'm not saying it's right, but I guarantee that's how he thinks of it.

Like a few of the posters above, I'm the higher earner wife who is also the default parent. I mommy-tracked myself somewhat, and as a result make 1.5-2x what my husband makes (rather than 2.5x what he makes). My job is more flexible, but also more stressful and less stable (big law vs. fed w/ long hours, he would have to actively work to get fired, I'd just have to drop a big ball).

A two "big" career family + kids only works if both spouses actively acknowledge that both of them have careers that are important, contrast the poster at 12/27/2018 21:06 (voluntarily and happily mommy tracked, but will pull rank when needed) with the poster at 12/28/2018 00:44 (benefits of a SAHM with a salary, in the process of divorcing). My husband is somewhere in the middle, and it's frustrating. He would like me to take on a less stressful job, but that's not possible. He thinks we'd be fine on his salary (top of the GS scale), and we would be okay, but it would mean cutting back travel and fun spending, and him probably not retiring anytime soon.

OP -- what do you mean by your expected to be default? For example, do you always stay at home with the sick kids, or do you split it with you taking the lion's share? We tend to split the time/days based on our work schedules.

Is it possible for your H to take a less stressful job that makes about as much as you do? I don't have that option in this area.

Have you tried to push more responsibility on him, e.g., telling him that you're picking up the kid from school because of the short notice, but he has to stay home with the sick kid the next day.

Or, since you're making $220K, and your H is making more, you're presumably bringing in over $600K -- throw money at the problem. Hire a regular nanny/housekeeper to handle sick days and such, Especially since it doesn't sound like you'll be able to convince him to change -- you may be right, but that doesn't mean anything if he's not convinced. Of course, you could also divorce and force him to handle child-care 50% of the time (assuming he goes along with split custody and doesn't leave you in the lurch).

Lately I've taken a new approach on the "you can be right, or you can be happy" idea -- I am giving up on convincing my husband that I am right (I do the bulk of the parenting/household stuff, which is ridiculous because I make more and have a less-stable job), and working on just making myself happy (only doing things that I deem are necessary/important to keep the household running).

This was our dynamic, it was really frustrating. I was a Hill staffer and DH made many multiples of my salary in private industry in a job with a lot of travel. (It was the routine travel that made compromise over parenting duties so hard.) For a couple of years I hired more help. We had an au pair even though the kids were in school, weekly house cleaners, grocery deliveries, someone to cook for me etc. I never counted that help against just my salary.

If you do quit, or scale back, I'd make sure that your DH acknowledges the dynamics that led to the decision. When I stepped back, it was with the clear understanding that DH would continue to hold the same job for the foreseeable future and I would not need to find work, unless it was on my own terms, in the future.

Anonymous wrote:We are in the EXACT same situation. I now SAH bc we have a young baby but when I worked the dynamic was the same bc I earned less. Deep down he’s not wrong. We actually went to therapy for a while about this and it’s apparently tied to his Leave it to Beaver type grandmother that partially raised him. So look for something in his past to help understand how he got this kind of expectation.
What helped me was to visit him at work like once or twice and then I got a feel for the insanity and high pressure of his job that he does all day m-f. Also I realized by the time I doubted how much time I b^tched about it, went to therapy about it, and generally bucked it, the task could have been done a long time ago. So just accept this is who you married, get perspective that his job is like none of your friends’ husbands, and hire help or just do it quickly yourself. Let a lot of my resentment go.
Very happily married btw!

You visited him at work to see how intense his job is?

What?!

Anonymous wrote:We are in the EXACT same situation. I now SAH bc we have a young baby but when I worked the dynamic was the same bc I earned less. Deep down he’s not wrong. We actually went to therapy for a while about this and it’s apparently tied to his Leave it to Beaver type grandmother that partially raised him. So look for something in his past to help understand how he got this kind of expectation.
What helped me was to visit him at work like once or twice and then I got a feel for the insanity and high pressure of his job that he does all day m-f. Also I realized by the time I doubted how much time I b^tched about it, went to therapy about it, and generally bucked it, the task could have been done a long time ago. So just accept this is who you married, get perspective that his job is like none of your friends’ husbands, and hire help or just do it quickly yourself. Let a lot of my resentment go.
Very happily married btw!

Wut?

Anonymous wrote:It’s the male/female thing and your DHs attitude that need to be addressed. I’m the primary earner in my marriage- I make 230k, and DH makes 160k. But I work from home, do I am the default parent and home maker. Drives me up a wall. We outsource a lot but he still doesn’t ever pick up a sick child, take kids to urgent care or deal with day to day appointments. Once he said in mixed company that he had all the benefits of a SAHM with a great salary. I almost died. We’re separated now for this and a whole host of other reasons.

That right there is cause for divorce.

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Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

I make $220k and we have healthy savings. He grew up with a lot of financial insecurity (immigrant from a war torn country where his family lost everything) so has outsized views of what is "necessary" to feel secure.

I really am interested in how other couples have this dynamic play out - we need to work through our misalignment likely with the help of a therapist, I'm mainly just curious right now how others do or don't find a sustainable dynamic.

In that case, percentages of income shouldn't matter. You would be quite well off even if he made the same as you and could live a comfortable life and provide for your kids. You could even support the family on your income alone - so even if he lost his job, your family would be ok after some adjustments! So his arguments are on shaky grounds, objectively.
Can you argue that the value that you see in him as a spouse and as a father is more than an additional half a million a year (or whatever the difference in salary would be)?
If you are worried about your career and if he is not willing to adjust - hire more help, possibly a full time nanny (from his income). If he is not willing to do that...I am not sure what I would do. I would likely divorce.

I'm not sure I agree. I make about what OP makes. My spouse makes more, although maybe not as much as OP's husband. I don't think it is unreasonable that I am the default parent, not so much because she makes a lot more than me, but because her job is much less flexible. It only makes sense for me to place this role. That we could live on my salary (we really couldn't, even living pretty frugally on our HHI) doesn't really matter in my mind

You couldn’t live on $220K?

We would have to move and pull the kids out of daycare, drastically cut if not eliminate savings, among other changes. Could we if something serious happened and we had to make major changes? Sure. It would literally be possible. But it would require changes we wouldn't want to make absent an emergency, and I don't think that should be the standard here.

You either have an enormous mortgage or huge student loan debt.

Sheesh.

Dh makes 2x what I do. I wfh and have more flexibility in general. However I am cog in a large multinational corporation and he is SVP in a smaller private firm. If he has to pull rank, he can whereas I cannot.

We mostly discuss everyone’s schedules—who needs what, to be where, etc and we share a lot of logistics ie I drop the kids off at soccer practice and he will pick up on the way home. If a kid gets sick at school, I get the call and if I can pick the kid up I do; if I can’t I call him and he has then ability to move things around. On the weekends, the kids love to run errands with dad. He will take them for shoes, bday presents as part of his day but I have to tell him that he needs to do these things.

Anonymous wrote:You don't have two careers that you both value. You have one that he values and two that you value. You're on different pages.
Is it really risking his job to do something occasionally that requires him calling out etc? Are there really any options for him to have a similar career with a different schedule (even with less $). Does he even want that?
Does he realize you do it want to be a SAHM at all?

+1 I also agree with the gender issue.

I am making 240k , my spouse make 800k . I have potential to make up 500k+ he has potential to make 500++as well when we first mairried. But I step back becour child. Last year I have a job offer 300+ which I could not take due to my husbands work and visa issue location, job demand. My current income now is also due to dh s job s geographical limited and job demand. I do not have a choice but to mummy track myself. Dh claim that we can ni5 live on anything lower than 500k++ .( I know this sounds extreme)

Anyway, regardless of who makes more, marriage is about being on the same page. Both career goal need to be valued from both husband and wife.
I do feel for you OP but I have no solution to offer.

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Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

I make $220k and we have healthy savings. He grew up with a lot of financial insecurity (immigrant from a war torn country where his family lost everything) so has outsized views of what is "necessary" to feel secure.

I really am interested in how other couples have this dynamic play out - we need to work through our misalignment likely with the help of a therapist, I'm mainly just curious right now how others do or don't find a sustainable dynamic.

In that case, percentages of income shouldn't matter. You would be quite well off even if he made the same as you and could live a comfortable life and provide for your kids. You could even support the family on your income alone - so even if he lost his job, your family would be ok after some adjustments! So his arguments are on shaky grounds, objectively.
Can you argue that the value that you see in him as a spouse and as a father is more than an additional half a million a year (or whatever the difference in salary would be)?
If you are worried about your career and if he is not willing to adjust - hire more help, possibly a full time nanny (from his income). If he is not willing to do that...I am not sure what I would do. I would likely divorce.

I'm not sure I agree. I make about what OP makes. My spouse makes more, although maybe not as much as OP's husband. I don't think it is unreasonable that I am the default parent, not so much because she makes a lot more than me, but because her job is much less flexible. It only makes sense for me to place this role. That we could live on my salary (we really couldn't, even living pretty frugally on our HHI) doesn't really matter in my mind

You couldn’t live on $220K?

We would have to move and pull the kids out of daycare, drastically cut if not eliminate savings, among other changes. Could we if something serious happened and we had to make major changes? Sure. It would literally be possible. But it would require changes we wouldn't want to make absent an emergency, and I don't think that should be the standard here.