OP here, thanks again for the responses to my post. I think its definitely something my husband and I need to formally decide on and then own the decision. We really just haven't talked about it much, but I feel at 37/38, if the decision will be made to have #3, that decision has to be made soon. Make decision, own it and if the decision is no, then not look back...hopefully thats something I can do

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we're in the same boat. First child was totally healthy, second child has an assortment of medical issues (severely disabling ones) and I'm trying to get over the desire for a third. We can't handle a third emotionally or financially, but I still want one. Thank god my husband has said no.

We'd definitely be pushing our luck if we went for a third. A second disabled child would cripple our family. So two it is. Only you can make the decision about what is best for your family.

For someone who identifies as having a child with disabilities you certainly use offensive and ableist language. You might want to work on that. Sending your second child love and empathy.

Oh STFU

-DP

Really? I was pretty horrified by that comment as well. That phrasing is akin to saying that someone gypped you. Both are incredibly offensive things to say.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It only solidified my decision to have 2. It is just chaos, all the time. No thank you.

Exactly. The whole meme of the frazzled mom who hasn't showered in a week and whose house is a disaster so does not appeal to me. It seems like lots of people think that's the only way to be a "real" mom, but I'd much rather have a manageable life. Since DH and I both work full-time and it's very important for me to have the time to keep the house clean, laundry done, etc. 1 child is enough for us. I don't understand the deification of stress and suffering in the parenting community.

If you can easily handle 3 kids, go for it, but if you *know* it'll stress you out, why put yourself through that? It can't be good for you, your marriage, or your kids. There's no shame in stopping with what you know is a manageable situation.

DH and I are going to try for #3 next year. We have a good situation, both work from home and make enough to have a nanny (although at 2 and 3 a nanny isn't really more expensive than daycare).

Right now I would say we have comfortable control over our life. And we like it. And we are kind of scared about the chaos that is going to come with #3. We think it will add stress and difficulty, although I am fairly certain I will still shower daily! I don't think it will damage our marriage, we are pretty solid. I think that would be the one thing that would stop us actually, because we feel like the marriage is really important for the kids.

We feel that you endure the first few years for what the rest of your life looks like. I want three adult children. Three teen children. Big Christmases, lots of grandkids. I know the diapers and toddler stage will be hard. But we're already almost halfway through that. And once we're on the other side? We have our little pack forever.

Talk about pressure on the kids.

Seriously. PP, you have no idea whether your kids will be willing or able to fulfill your very detailed future plans. That is way too much pressure to put on your children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It only solidified my decision to have 2. It is just chaos, all the time. No thank you.

Exactly. The whole meme of the frazzled mom who hasn't showered in a week and whose house is a disaster so does not appeal to me. It seems like lots of people think that's the only way to be a "real" mom, but I'd much rather have a manageable life. Since DH and I both work full-time and it's very important for me to have the time to keep the house clean, laundry done, etc. 1 child is enough for us. I don't understand the deification of stress and suffering in the parenting community.

If you can easily handle 3 kids, go for it, but if you *know* it'll stress you out, why put yourself through that? It can't be good for you, your marriage, or your kids. There's no shame in stopping with what you know is a manageable situation.

DH and I are going to try for #3 next year. We have a good situation, both work from home and make enough to have a nanny (although at 2 and 3 a nanny isn't really more expensive than daycare).

Right now I would say we have comfortable control over our life. And we like it. And we are kind of scared about the chaos that is going to come with #3. We think it will add stress and difficulty, although I am fairly certain I will still shower daily! I don't think it will damage our marriage, we are pretty solid. I think that would be the one thing that would stop us actually, because we feel like the marriage is really important for the kids.

We feel that you endure the first few years for what the rest of your life looks like. I want three adult children. Three teen children. Big Christmases, lots of grandkids. I know the diapers and toddler stage will be hard. But we're already almost halfway through that. And once we're on the other side? We have our little pack forever.

Talk about pressure on the kids.

35 with a 6 and 3 year old and pregnant with our 3rd. We had a few reasons we didn’t end up trying sooner that made me a little upset but it is what it is. I actually haven’t ruled out trying for #4 if we still want to but I know it would have to be sooner rather than later if we go for it.
I don’t think your window of opportunity has closed for a third but if you do decide to stick with two you just need to find a new perspective.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences etc. My main thing is that I would love a third and feel bad that we potentially missed out on having another due to the issues we were having which occurred during the timeframe we probably should have tried for the third in terms of age, etc. I would never have a third bc everyone around me has 3.... it does just make me wonder if we missed out. The drama we had hit us hard and when we could have been focusing on growing our family, we were focusing on that. So thats where any of my regrets are coming from. I guess its a shoulda woulda coulda type thing.

Your youngest kid is 3 and you're 37 years old. Why are you acting like the ship has sailed?

Fine not to have a third. But you also don't need to have regrets. Have another baby. I know so many people with a second and third spaced 4 years. Seems like it works out really well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it gives you any comfort, I recall my Ob-gyn saying that every woman has a point in her life when she realizes she is done having children. It is a hard thing to accept, but it is an inevitable milestone.

I have 3 children myself, and we of course love our 3rd child, but it is a huge additional financial and emotional commitment. My DH and I area each 1 of 2 children ourselves, and it was great.

I see and hear this sentiment a lot and can't relate.

The way I got through the actual birth of my second child was by chanting to myself "You never have to do this again. You never have to do this again. You never have to do this again."

I never looked back once and when I see pregnant women and newborns I feel deep sweet relief that it's not me.

Just in case there is anyone else out there hard wired like me who wants to feel more normal.

Same. I have one child and, while it would be nice to see her having a positive relationship with a sibling, there is literally no other part of me that wants another child. We don't want the additional financial stress or the exhaustion that would come from having a newborn and a toddler. Aside from wondering what a sibling relationship would be like, it has not been difficult at all to accept that I am done having kids.

Anonymous wrote:If it gives you any comfort, I recall my Ob-gyn saying that every woman has a point in her life when she realizes she is done having children. It is a hard thing to accept, but it is an inevitable milestone.

I have 3 children myself, and we of course love our 3rd child, but it is a huge additional financial and emotional commitment. My DH and I area each 1 of 2 children ourselves, and it was great.

I see and hear this sentiment a lot and can't relate.

The way I got through the actual birth of my second child was by chanting to myself "You never have to do this again. You never have to do this again. You never have to do this again."

I never looked back once and when I see pregnant women and newborns I feel deep sweet relief that it's not me.

Just in case there is anyone else out there hard wired like me who wants to feel more normal.

Anonymous wrote:I know more families with three kids than two and almost none with only one. Based on my personal experience, I find it hard to believe that Americans are having less kids. When I was a kid two kids was the norm, but now that seems like a small family.

Okay. I know a lot of families with one kid. Sometimes I am jealous of them because they don't have to listen to more than one kid bicker like I do. My two are great but have nearly killed me to be honest. So hard pass on 3.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences etc. My main thing is that I would love a third and feel bad that we potentially missed out on having another due to the issues we were having which occurred during the timeframe we probably should have tried for the third in terms of age, etc. I would never have a third bc everyone around me has 3.... it does just make me wonder if we missed out. The drama we had hit us hard and when we could have been focusing on growing our family, we were focusing on that. So thats where any of my regrets are coming from. I guess its a shoulda woulda coulda type thing.

Let me guess, you also think you are old?

If it gives you any comfort, I recall my Ob-gyn saying that every woman has a point in her life when she realizes she is done having children. It is a hard thing to accept, but it is an inevitable milestone.

I have 3 children myself, and we of course love our 3rd child, but it is a huge additional financial and emotional commitment. My DH and I area each 1 of 2 children ourselves, and it was great.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It only solidified my decision to have 2. It is just chaos, all the time. No thank you.

Exactly. The whole meme of the frazzled mom who hasn't showered in a week and whose house is a disaster so does not appeal to me. It seems like lots of people think that's the only way to be a "real" mom, but I'd much rather have a manageable life. Since DH and I both work full-time and it's very important for me to have the time to keep the house clean, laundry done, etc. 1 child is enough for us. I don't understand the deification of stress and suffering in the parenting community.

If you can easily handle 3 kids, go for it, but if you *know* it'll stress you out, why put yourself through that? It can't be good for you, your marriage, or your kids. There's no shame in stopping with what you know is a manageable situation.

DH and I are going to try for #3 next year. We have a good situation, both work from home and make enough to have a nanny (although at 2 and 3 a nanny isn't really more expensive than daycare).

Right now I would say we have comfortable control over our life. And we like it. And we are kind of scared about the chaos that is going to come with #3. We think it will add stress and difficulty, although I am fairly certain I will still shower daily! I don't think it will damage our marriage, we are pretty solid. I think that would be the one thing that would stop us actually, because we feel like the marriage is really important for the kids.

We feel that you endure the first few years for what the rest of your life looks like. I want three adult children. Three teen children. Big Christmases, lots of grandkids. I know the diapers and toddler stage will be hard. But we're already almost halfway through that. And once we're on the other side? We have our little pack forever.

Have how many ever kids because you want them but having these expectations on them is setting yourself up for disappointment. For all you know your kids could remain child free, have other issues etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same here. It only solidified my decision to have 2. It is just chaos, all the time. No thank you.

Exactly. The whole meme of the frazzled mom who hasn't showered in a week and whose house is a disaster so does not appeal to me. It seems like lots of people think that's the only way to be a "real" mom, but I'd much rather have a manageable life. Since DH and I both work full-time and it's very important for me to have the time to keep the house clean, laundry done, etc. 1 child is enough for us. I don't understand the deification of stress and suffering in the parenting community.

If you can easily handle 3 kids, go for it, but if you *know* it'll stress you out, why put yourself through that? It can't be good for you, your marriage, or your kids. There's no shame in stopping with what you know is a manageable situation.

DH and I are going to try for #3 next year. We have a good situation, both work from home and make enough to have a nanny (although at 2 and 3 a nanny isn't really more expensive than daycare).

Right now I would say we have comfortable control over our life. And we like it. And we are kind of scared about the chaos that is going to come with #3. We think it will add stress and difficulty, although I am fairly certain I will still shower daily! I don't think it will damage our marriage, we are pretty solid. I think that would be the one thing that would stop us actually, because we feel like the marriage is really important for the kids.

We feel that you endure the first few years for what the rest of your life looks like. I want three adult children. Three teen children. Big Christmases, lots of grandkids. I know the diapers and toddler stage will be hard. But we're already almost halfway through that. And once we're on the other side? We have our little pack forever.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences etc. My main thing is that I would love a third and feel bad that we potentially missed out on having another due to the issues we were having which occurred during the timeframe we probably should have tried for the third in terms of age, etc. I would never have a third bc everyone around me has 3.... it does just make me wonder if we missed out. The drama we had hit us hard and when we could have been focusing on growing our family, we were focusing on that. So thats where any of my regrets are coming from. I guess its a shoulda woulda coulda type thing.

You are only 37. You can still have a third. I actually think that would be a lovely age gap.

Op here. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences etc. My main thing is that I would love a third and feel bad that we potentially missed out on having another due to the issues we were having which occurred during the timeframe we probably should have tried for the third in terms of age, etc. I would never have a third bc everyone around me has 3.... it does just make me wonder if we missed out. The drama we had hit us hard and when we could have been focusing on growing our family, we were focusing on that. So thats where any of my regrets are coming from. I guess its a shoulda woulda coulda type thing.