Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am actually surprised that so many of you don’t feel your children’s pain or feel the desire to defend them. I thought it was just part of motherhood. The whole, “you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child” thing.

Anyway, I feel the same, OP. My therapist actually feels the same, too!!

I agree with you.

It is natural. But that's different than fighting an imaginary battle.

^^ resilience not resistance

It's natural to feel your child's pain and to see the slights they might not see when they're young. But a good parent certainly doesn't point it out to their 5-year-old child, or talk about it unless they bring it up first. Then you simply say that's how it goes sometimes. Teach your child resistance, and how to get back up on that horse and ride.

Life is full of times we won't be acknowledged, invited, or loved as much as the next person. Sometimes we win, but more often, we lose. But we find a way to clap for the person who won. It's how we deal with it that counts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is actually narcissism. You are really feeling it for yourself. Separate yourself. She’s not an extension of you. Get therapy.

^^100%

God, I totally disagree. Some one hurts my kids and I feel it too. It isn’t narcissism at all. It is just being a parent.

Anonymous wrote:This is actually narcissism. You are really feeling it for yourself. Separate yourself. She’s not an extension of you. Get therapy.

^^100%

Okay, think of the serenity prayer and change the things you can change and accept the things you can't. You can't change a social climber. But you can learn to shrug off her antics and help your child to move on.

When my son was in fourth grader, he came home very sad one day because he had gotten knocked down hard during a very crowded game of soccer during recess, and as he sat there until he felt ready and able to stand up and get back in the game, no one came over to ask if he was okay; they just kept on playing around him. He felt like even his friends weren't being the least bit friendly to him.

That was a long time ago, and I still remember it. But I was more concerned about his social skills than theirs. I figured that one of two things was going on: 1) either he really was losing some of his friendships, perhaps because they perceived him as being a poor athlete or a crybaby or something, or else 2) the kids just assumed he was fine and would get up in a minute, and since there was no referee, they all figured they would just continue with the game... that it was a natural kid thing to do, unless someone was seriously injured. In either case, I figured my job was to be there for him and let him know I was sorry he got hurt and felt ignored, but it was also my role to try to support him in developing a thicker skin and more inner resources for responding to potentially awkward or stressful moments.

Empathy is a natural and positive first reaction. But OP, it sounds like you're realizing you are over-identifying with your child's discomfort. Here is the difference:

EMPATHY (as defined by Carl Rogers) is the ability "to sense [another's] private world as if it were your own, but without ever losing the 'as if' quality." So empathy is feeling another's problems as if they were your own without actually taking them on yourself. You can be fully involved but still a stable support.

OVER-IDENTIFICATION means taking on another's feelings and characteristics to the point that you are just as overwhelmed (or hurt) as the other person is. When that happens, your ability to help is compromised.

Your daughter needs your stable support and empathy. Maybe focusing on that may help you dig out of the pit when you find yourself over-identifying?

Anonymous wrote:I am actually surprised that so many of you don’t feel your children’s pain or feel the desire to defend them. I thought it was just part of motherhood. The whole, “you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child” thing.

Anyway, I feel the same, OP. My therapist actually feels the same, too!!

I agree with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am actually surprised that so many of you don’t feel your children’s pain or feel the desire to defend them. I thought it was just part of motherhood. The whole, “you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child” thing.

Anyway, I feel the same, OP. My therapist actually feels the same, too!!

Totally different to feel stung when you’re child is hurt and another to project your own disappointment about social perceived slights from an adult to the point your child is internalizing it. You have issues, op.

Interesting. I don’t like people who hurt my kid either. I guess according to DCUM I have issues too. Luckily I rarely take what anyone writes here seriously so I guess I don’t have as many issues as you think!

Anonymous wrote:I am actually surprised that so many of you don’t feel your children’s pain or feel the desire to defend them. I thought it was just part of motherhood. The whole, “you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child” thing.

Anyway, I feel the same, OP. My therapist actually feels the same, too!!

Totally different to feel stung when you’re child is hurt and another to project your own disappointment about social perceived slights from an adult to the point your child is internalizing it. You have issues, op.

Anonymous wrote:I am actually surprised that so many of you don’t feel your children’s pain or feel the desire to defend them. I thought it was just part of motherhood. The whole, “you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child” thing.

Anyway, I feel the same, OP. My therapist actually feels the same, too!!

Of one said they don’t want to defend their children. But there is a difference in feeling it in the moment, and harbouring resentment and anger, going forward.

And no, your therapist doesn’t necessarily feel the same way. If they are blatantly telling you so, then it’s time for a new therapist, as a professional shouldn’t be putting their sh*t on, or sharing it, with you.

I am actually surprised that so many of you don’t feel your children’s pain or feel the desire to defend them. I thought it was just part of motherhood. The whole, “you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child” thing.

Anyway, I feel the same, OP. My therapist actually feels the same, too!!

This is actually narcissism. You are really feeling it for yourself. Separate yourself. She’s not an extension of you. Get therapy.

Anonymous wrote:Tell yourself " Aint nobody got time for thst" and move it on. If I perceive threats to my happiness from other's or remarks are made about my child, I cut them out of my life. Pretend theyvdon't exist.

This is great advice because your life will take care of itself soon you will be alone and there won’t be anyone left to “wrong” your precious prince!

Tell yourself " Aint nobody got time for thst" and move it on. If I perceive threats to my happiness from other's or remarks are made about my child, I cut them out of my life. Pretend theyvdon't exist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I e also never met anyone in my life who has announced that they are /were “tough” that actually were.

Really? Wow, I have. I have known a lot of tough women who were, in fact, very tough.

I never said I didn’t know tough women; I said that the ones who feel the need to advertise it, aren’t as tough as they propose. The actual tough ones have no need to blab about it. They’re living their lives, being badass.

OP described herself as tough to people who don’t know her. I would have done the same. I am tough.