Anonymous wrote:
You are not backing up your husband. Your mother is overstepping in ways that are not okay. You have given her permission to do things in your home because you find it helpful, but it comes at a cost of disrespecting your husband. You need a shift in your thinking about this. It is not okay.

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Anonymous wrote:OP back again.

Yes there's a history of boundary issues here with my Mom, and no love lost between her and DH although lately they've been doing much better. -- Long story short, my mom is very helpful and means well, no we didn't ask her to clean up but she saw that we were having tough time getting kids to bed with houseguests etc so while we were tied up she started cleaning up after big meal.

During the process she came upon said mug -- which is from DH's childhood and is also well-loved by our kids now -- the handle is no longer on it but makes no difference to our kids since they're young and just use it as a normal cup.

She decided on her own that made it worth tossing. DH came out later on to take out the trash, noticed this mug was at bottom of see-through garbage bag and asked her in sharp tone if she did it, she said yes it no longer has a handle on it -- he said I didn't say it was ok to do that. who told you it was ok to do that? It's not ok to throw out my stuff. She got angry and said it's broken and i'm trying to clean up around here.

At which point my brother intervened and asked them to keep voices down so as not to disturb sleeping kids. DH took dog out for a walk and she left while he was gone.

My mom is very helpful and will busy herself with cleaning when at our house when we are dealing with kids ( we do not ask her to do this, she just starts but again is trying to be helpful) -- DH will acknowledge her hard work and thank her to no end -- but we've run into boundary issues often like using cleaners we don't like without checking, and she has even specifically ignored my request once not to use a specific type of cleaner etc. I confronted her on it and asked her if she didn't remember a previous conversation in which I said we didn't use X cleaner in our house and she admitted she did remember me saying that but just decided to use it anyway.

At one point in time a few years ago she also rearranged some furniture. DH says he feels marginalized and like he has no say about stuff in his own house -- since she's my mom and it's always well-intentioned I just say oh well, she's helping us clean, this needed to be done etc.

I do see how this would be upsetting to most people to find their stuff in trash -- I just wish he had handled the confrontation in more polite manner -- oh hey, that's my favorite childhood mug in the trash -- our kids love it too -- how did it get in there? Let me get it out, oh yes well it is missing a handle but in the future can you just check with us before throwing things out?

Anonymous wrote:This whole situation is strange. I suspect your mom threw it away by accident or because it was chipped or damaged. The appropriate reaction would be to apologize, but if you or your husband came at her in a really accusatory way, she probably got defensive. I'd play go-between. Tell mom that you know she meant well (even if you don't think she did), but that the cup had sentimental value to your husband and that's why he reacted so strongly. Ask her to apologize to keep the peace. And then tell your husband to drop it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.

This is what I was wondering. Did he approach her like it was a simple mistake or did he act like she’d thrown away one of the kids?

LOLOLOLOL

The DH should apologize.

Then, the next time they have dinner at the mom’s house he should throw his plate, cup, silverware in the trash can. When she freaks out he can play coy “What? I was just trying to help....”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson learned: don't keep stuff like this in common areas. If it's so sentimental, it should be kept with other keepsakes.

It’s a ceramic mug!

He probably wants to drink coffee in it, why shouldn’t he keep cups in the kitchen? It’s weird to throw away other people’s dishes.

Maybe she thought it was chipped and broken? I guess I don't get the attachment to a mug but, why assume the worst and that it wasn't an accident? Good grief DH is acting like she stabbed him with a knife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.

This is what I was wondering. Did he approach her like it was a simple mistake or did he act like she’d thrown away one of the kids?

LOLOLOLOL

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.

This is what I was wondering. Did he approach her like it was a simple mistake or did he act like she’d thrown away one of the kids?

Anonymous wrote:Agree that your mom’s after dinner cleanup offerings are now finished. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished. Did your husband confront her in an angry, forceful way? Otherwise it’s hard to see how this eacalated otherwise.