Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people here suggesting I'm trying to take the kids away. I was clear in my initial post that I had a thought to move to my hometown where job prospects are good for BOTH of us and we could have a better quality of life. I did not suggest at any point that I would move on my own- how would moving there alone afford anyone a better quality of life? Not for me, not for my kids, not for my soon to be ex. I would be equally open to the option to move to any other city with lower cost of living. Just seems to make more sense to do so in a place where we'd have built in support, the kids could see a ton of cousins more than just once per year etc.

Anonymous wrote:I would just take the kids and go, frankly. He will lose interest in them anyway when he gets a girlfriend.

I don't live in the DC area now, but where I am at it is common for one parent to get primary custody. And it is almost always the mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there any way to salvage the marriage? I don't think your desire for a single family house with a yard is unreasonable, I was critical at first, until my husband pointed out that you want the same things we have. What I do think is unreasonable is expecting him to move close to *your* family. Being the trailing spouse is hard enough when you are married, it would be even worse if you are not. Is there any way you could move to his hometown? If not, realize that those are the reasons he won't move to yours. If the marriage is breaking up about where to live, I'd put everything on the table. Would moving to an apartment with an indoor pool be acceptable? Would being happier knowing the situation is not forever and with some movement on getting a more suitable living environment make you realize you still like him? Realize that he doesn't care what you did during the marriage to support him, that only counts if the two of you are still married, and at some point, even that won't count if you are nasty to him. Nobody can live with that for very long. Second, realize that your family won't support you as much as you think. They may love you just fine, but once you live near them, you are just one of them. The closer you live to them, the less special the treatment you receive. Your family is busy with their own interests, plans and activities that fulfill them. They won't cancel their plans because Billy barfed at school and needs to be picked up or because you have a headache or "need a break". They certainly won't help an ex, and if you think they would, think of how you'd feel when they say "Remember I helped your ex out last weekend, I don't care that the new boyfriend wants to take you away for a romantic weekend, go enjoy yourself but we're busy". Everything comes at a price op, and I don't think you've figured that out yet.

Nope, he just doesn't want to- flat out not interested. Just fell out of love with me- no further explanation or effort. I was foolishly waiting for something to change or for him to talk to me when I asked him to or go to therapy together, but I've gotten nothing. He suggested the end of our relationship, just saying he doesn't want it.

So no the breakup is not over where to live by any means. Its been an ongoing discussion but not a reason.

Lastly, my parents are older- I don't expect them to shuttle kids around or babysit so I can have a weekend away. My parents are kind people and despite the way things are ending, they haven't held anything against my husband. They sent him a lovely birthday gift after all of this went down and they are just not the type of folks to be dramatic so I wouldn't expect there would be animosity- likely this is more about my husband wanting to show up around them after all of this. I really just meant overall being close to them and my extended family, which is quite large, could be nice, lets say as a bonus.

As I've expressed previously, my greatest concern is just a little financial breathing room. It seems there are lots of people on this forum in general whose parents paid for college, grad school, maybe house down payment etc. Or folks who did really well for themselves and make a ton of money. Not always, but generally there are a lot of wealthy people on here. I make a modest income and I've spent my life paying down the debt of my schooling. I'm not complaining, but at this point the thought of divorce meaning more financial strain when I expected to finally get ahead of loans and such is stressful.

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there any way to salvage the marriage? I don't think your desire for a single family house with a yard is unreasonable, I was critical at first, until my husband pointed out that you want the same things we have. What I do think is unreasonable is expecting him to move close to *your* family. Being the trailing spouse is hard enough when you are married, it would be even worse if you are not. Is there any way you could move to his hometown? If not, realize that those are the reasons he won't move to yours. If the marriage is breaking up about where to live, I'd put everything on the table. Would moving to an apartment with an indoor pool be acceptable? Would being happier knowing the situation is not forever and with some movement on getting a more suitable living environment make you realize you still like him? Realize that he doesn't care what you did during the marriage to support him, that only counts if the two of you are still married, and at some point, even that won't count if you are nasty to him. Nobody can live with that for very long. Second, realize that your family won't support you as much as you think. They may love you just fine, but once you live near them, you are just one of them. The closer you live to them, the less special the treatment you receive. Your family is busy with their own interests, plans and activities that fulfill them. They won't cancel their plans because Billy barfed at school and needs to be picked up or because you have a headache or "need a break". They certainly won't help an ex, and if you think they would, think of how you'd feel when they say "Remember I helped your ex out last weekend, I don't care that the new boyfriend wants to take you away for a romantic weekend, go enjoy yourself but we're busy". Everything comes at a price op, and I don't think you've figured that out yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once your kids are teens - they will never use your yard. You should get a great apt with a gym and pool! Stay in same school so they can’t adjust

Not in the budget, but thanks.

So basically you are going say no to any suggestion and just up and move and take the kids away from Dad. Charming. But, that's ok, the money you save on housing can go to therapy bills. You are bullying him to move by divorce but when you divorce you still expect him to move with you. You don't have a marriage or partnership, you have a dictatorship.

Anonymous wrote:If you do end up in this area, maybe you can do what my friend did. She bought a townhouse in the VA suburb and rents out her basement. It’s near Metro, so she can get $800-$1000 per month. Ends up being cheaper than renting an apartment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once your kids are teens - they will never use your yard. You should get a great apt with a gym and pool! Stay in same school so they can’t adjust

Not in the budget, but thanks.

Anonymous wrote:I d heard of two women moving after divorce against wishes of the ex. Both succeeded after full trials. One actually was a move AWAY from all the family support. She got remarried to a guy. And she still won. So it can be done. Start setting up the best interest factors now. Always make sure you have the max custody you can. And start making connections back in your parents home town. Visit all the time. Maybe go there for a long time over summer and enroll them in a camp there. You get the picture.

Anonymous wrote:To get your DH to agree you will likely need quite a lot of leverage. LIke a huge CS ruling from the courts. You can offer to take less if you move to a lower COL area.
Short of leverage, I do no see him agreeing to this at all. If he didn't while married, he will not when divorced.

You really should make the most of what you have here and like others have said, get as much custody as possible. Just because you have no cards right now, play the long game. The long game always wins.
KEep notes of every time he is late picking them up, cancels, doesn't pay for what he should etc. etc etc. Down the road that will help your case to move.