Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP’s comment is insensitive and clearly shows she does not understand trauma. Telling someone to move past an experience that has traumatized them and to focus on their baby is the exact wrong thing to say. If OP feels she was traumatized at 3 weeks postpartum, she will likely be experiencing some degree of birth trauma and she may need support to get through it. Telling her she is missing out on precious moments is shaming her for acknowledging her feelings and trying to make her feel guilty for admitting them.

+1000

OP here- I am going to presume that you meant your comment to be supportive but it absolutely read as unsupportive. I already feel so much pressure to “be thankful for the new baby” and to “look on the bright side”. Part of my pain stems from feeling robbed of my baby’s first months of life. If you should have friends or family in similar circumstances, I encourage you to be more empathetic and less directive.

OP I have been nothing but supportive to you here so am not quite sure why you are telling me I’m not being empathetic. I was the one defending you and your feelings to the PP who is telling you to just get over the birth and be grateful for your baby. I actually posted about how that message spoken to me after my traumatic birth made me feel a whole lot worse about everything and made it that much harder for me to realize I needed professional help. I’m just going to assume you intended your comment to the insensitive post I was responding to. I had those exact same feelings of being robbed of enjoying my baby’s infancy because I was dealing with full blown PTSD, flashbacks, near panic attacks, and being in a constant state of fear/stress. I wish you well and hope you are able to move forward, and seek out help if you need it.

Oh yea- I was talking about the original comment. Not your “+1000” comment. Thanks for your support.

Find a good therapist (I’m afraid I don’t have any recs) and a good postpartum PT to deal with the physical and emotional fallout. Allow yourself time to grieve, to admit to yourself that you’re hurting, be gentle with yourself.

Highly recommend Body connect for PT.

Anonymous wrote:PP’s comment is insensitive and clearly shows she does not understand trauma. Telling someone to move past an experience that has traumatized them and to focus on their baby is the exact wrong thing to say. If OP feels she was traumatized at 3 weeks postpartum, she will likely be experiencing some degree of birth trauma and she may need support to get through it. Telling her she is missing out on precious moments is shaming her for acknowledging her feelings and trying to make her feel guilty for admitting them.

You assume incorrectly.

Op, I thought I had ppd with my first. I’d cry and cry and had nightmares about the delivery etc. but I thought it was normal / post partum blues, then thought it was PPD etc. only years later when I saw a psychologist during my second pregnancy did she say “that sounds like ptsd to me.” I didn’t read carefully, but I think it’s important to know that you’re allowed to feel how you feel “even if” everything ended up okay. For me, given the series of mistakes, I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just accept that all was well that ends well, but so be it - my brain was wired where it imagined how close we came to other outcomes. I also had various procedures (including an unmedicated episiotomy and a very painful / unmedicated retrieval of the placenta) that weren’t explained to me and for which I wasn’t asked to give consent. I’m fortunate to not be a survivor of abuse, so this was the most violated my body has ever felt. I wish I’d talked to a professional. It sounds like - with other kids at home - you know what birth is supposed to feel like. For me, 6 years later the memory still makes me a little upset, but time and the birth of my second child (different hospital and about as textbook / “Dream” as I could ask for) were cathartic. I didn’t realize how anxious I was about the 2nd birth until all my anxieties just vanished once the placenta was delivered.

If I had it to do over, I would have found a professional (really hard to do in the thick of it, which is why I found one as soon as I conceived my 2nd) and considered medication. My first was also a premie who wouldn’t eat so the nursing was extra demanding. I say this gently, but my mental health would have tremendously improved if I’d allowed some formula / more feeding help so I could get a little sleep.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thank you for the advice and varying perspectives. I was separated from my baby for nearly 5 days while I was in the ICU and he was in the NICU. It was scary, and both physically and emotionally draining for both me and my husband. We are all home now and in many ways, we feel lucky that everyone is safe and together at home. However, I am still processing all of the fear, anguish, and guilt of being away from my baby (and two other children who were at home with a nanny and my parents). My husband is eager to put this all behind us and get back to regular life. I am still pretty shaken up and just want to hold my baby and cry most of the time. I will definitely see a counselor but I like the idea of starting a “self care” regimen to prioritize healing. I want to be a great mom, wife, employee and friend, and I know that in order to do that, I need to take care of this now.

I am sorry your birth was traumatic. You are home now as a family.....focus on that. You are missing out on precious moments by agonizing over something that is in the past and everyone survived just fine. Be happy. Your body was strong enough to handle this and you won!!

This was the one.

Anonymous wrote:PP’s comment is insensitive and clearly shows she does not understand trauma. Telling someone to move past an experience that has traumatized them and to focus on their baby is the exact wrong thing to say. If OP feels she was traumatized at 3 weeks postpartum, she will likely be experiencing some degree of birth trauma and she may need support to get through it. Telling her she is missing out on precious moments is shaming her for acknowledging her feelings and trying to make her feel guilty for admitting them.

It seems that the "insensitive" poster had his nasty comment deleted? I can't find it....
What happened?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP’s comment is insensitive and clearly shows she does not understand trauma. Telling someone to move past an experience that has traumatized them and to focus on their baby is the exact wrong thing to say. If OP feels she was traumatized at 3 weeks postpartum, she will likely be experiencing some degree of birth trauma and she may need support to get through it. Telling her she is missing out on precious moments is shaming her for acknowledging her feelings and trying to make her feel guilty for admitting them.

+1000

OP here- I am going to presume that you meant your comment to be supportive but it absolutely read as unsupportive. I already feel so much pressure to “be thankful for the new baby” and to “look on the bright side”. Part of my pain stems from feeling robbed of my baby’s first months of life. If you should have friends or family in similar circumstances, I encourage you to be more empathetic and less directive.

OP I have been nothing but supportive to you here so am not quite sure why you are telling me I’m not being empathetic. I was the one defending you and your feelings to the PP who is telling you to just get over the birth and be grateful for your baby. I actually posted about how that message spoken to me after my traumatic birth made me feel a whole lot worse about everything and made it that much harder for me to realize I needed professional help. I’m just going to assume you intended your comment to the insensitive post I was responding to. I had those exact same feelings of being robbed of enjoying my baby’s infancy because I was dealing with full blown PTSD, flashbacks, near panic attacks, and being in a constant state of fear/stress. I wish you well and hope you are able to move forward, and seek out help if you need it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP’s comment is insensitive and clearly shows she does not understand trauma. Telling someone to move past an experience that has traumatized them and to focus on their baby is the exact wrong thing to say. If OP feels she was traumatized at 3 weeks postpartum, she will likely be experiencing some degree of birth trauma and she may need support to get through it. Telling her she is missing out on precious moments is shaming her for acknowledging her feelings and trying to make her feel guilty for admitting them.

+1000

OP here- I am going to presume that you meant your comment to be supportive but it absolutely read as unsupportive. I already feel so much pressure to “be thankful for the new baby” and to “look on the bright side”. Part of my pain stems from feeling robbed of my baby’s first months of life. If you should have friends or family in similar circumstances, I encourage you to be more empathetic and less directive.

Anonymous wrote:It’s important to say here that you don’t have to qualify your experience as compared to that of others. You don’t have to hit the perfect trauma bingo card to be struggling. We all take things in and respond in our own unique way. None is better or worse than the other. What matters is that you find wholeness in your own time. It’s good others are sharing their experiences and what helped.

I also agree with this.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe writing it all out will help? You don’t have to do it here, online. But putting the words down can be catathartic.

And maybe including a list of what could have, and *should* have been done differently, if doctors and hospitals *really* cared about their customers more than their profits.