Was I a loser at 29?

I was a grad student (PhD candidate), making about 11K (1992).

I lived in a shit-shack with several housemates.

I was working/doing research all waking hours.

When we went out, it was usually very cheap/free or dutch. I could just afford my school.

I used a bicycle or bus for transportation. Car needed repairs which I could not afford. (I probably could have asked parents for help, but did not want to).

The last 2 points are lifestyle issues and based on your tone, OP, it doesn’t seem that you’re compatible

OP if he lets you see all this none how much worse it would be if you married him. Not a keeper.

A guy is definitely a LOSER if:

• Does not have a stable home by twenty-seven.
Living w/his Mom is okay. Couch surfing not so much.

• Does not have his own vehicle and DL.
I hated dating guys who always needed to bum a ride off of me.

• He has not graduated H.S. or earned his GED.
Why not.....??!

• Has a rap sheet & brags that because he once (or twice!) spent time in the big house, that now he is a certified “gangsta.”
WTF??!

• Does not pay any child support for any children he may have.
Even worse if he signed his parental rights away to get out of it.

• He lies, does not respect all others and/or voted for Trump two years ago.

OP - Your man sounds just fine to me.

A loser is someone who isn’t self sufficient.

Anonymous wrote:No Books in the apartment? That's silly. I read plenty but don't like keeping books around so I mostly donate them. Your post should read "not well read", if you value something like that. And besides, I know plenty of dim people that are well ready. That's as weird as the no tux one.

I mean, to each her own. Owning books signals a lot of the values and priorities I look for in a partner. Gladwell wrote about it in the Tipping Point. I'm not going to straight up dump a guy for not owning books, or, in your example, if they read the Economist or whatever and then throw it away, but I think it's a actually really good barometer.

Also, I'm sure I'm missing some random example from my life, but I actually can't think of any people I've met who are what I'd consider "well read" and also "dim." I find that a very weird pairing. I'm sure it comes down to how we define "well read" - gets to why I said books I think, versus trashy magazines or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

A guy that thinks he's fly, always talk' about what he wants, but just sits on his broke ass

Hanging out the passenger side, of his best friend's ride tryin to holler at me

Doesn't have a car, so he's walking

He lives at home with his Mama

Has a shorty, but doesn't show love

Wanna get with me with no money

His game is kinda week, can't get with a dead beat ass

Hahahahahaha

He sounds lazy with no back bone but i wouldn't put him in a category with losers. He sounds like a typical 1st son in an asian family. The mother just do everything for them until they get marry and replace the mother with the wife.

Loser to me is:
failure to launch even with a degree and can't get a job
parents still bankroll them
lives in parents basement or old bedroom
on drugs

re video games: some people just like games. my husband is 44. makes 250+, great parent, does chores, financial sense, no real hobbies... yadda yadda. Plays video games.

It's all about confidence for me. A guy who walks into a room with his head up high, regardless how much he makes or who buys his clothes, is sexy to me.

Anonymous wrote:If he belongs to an ethnicity or culture that values men more than women, it is quite normal that his mom does all of those tasks for him. So is that the case OP?

And, he doesn't seem out of the ordinary from what you describe. I was married at 26 and dh was still 25, but that was back then and this is now. Kids mature later now. You sound mean to me or maybe a troll. $100k for a 29 year old is better than average.

What ethnicities do that?

Anonymous wrote:I love this line: he currently only makes 100k.

You should leave him alone so he can mature and find a better person than you to share his life with.

+1 in what world does a ‘loser’ make only 100k??

Anonymous wrote:If he belongs to an ethnicity or culture that values men more than women, it is quite normal that his mom does all of those tasks for him. So is that the case OP?

And, he doesn't seem out of the ordinary from what you describe. I was married at 26 and dh was still 25, but that was back then and this is now. Kids mature later now. You sound mean to me or maybe a troll. $100k for a 29 year old is better than average.

Not in dc it isn’t.

If he belongs to an ethnicity or culture that values men more than women, it is quite normal that his mom does all of those tasks for him. So is that the case OP?

And, he doesn't seem out of the ordinary from what you describe. I was married at 26 and dh was still 25, but that was back then and this is now. Kids mature later now. You sound mean to me or maybe a troll. $100k for a 29 year old is better than average.

No Books in the apartment? That's silly. I read plenty but don't like keeping books around so I mostly donate them. Your post should read "not well read", if you value something like that. And besides, I know plenty of dim people that are well ready. That's as weird as the no tux one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 29, FFS. If those things were the definition of loser, 90% of guys would be losers.

And this one has a job! And is decently paid! And doesn't live in his parents' basement!

Not a loser, OP. Maybe immature, but not a loser.

Wow. Since when did the bar drop so low that women should now be impressed with men who are employed? This is so sad. Glad my own (much higher) standards reflect my self-worth.

The question is not if you should be impressed. The question is "what makes a guy a loser?"

Hope your much higher standards can appropriately focus on finding someone who treats you well.

Yes, generally "high" relationship standards are built on the very basic assumption that you're being "treated well"...

Personally, I find a guy is a loser if he:
- Can't carry a conversation/ doesn't follow current events
- Doesn't travel/ have a passport
- Has no books at his apartment
- Doesn't own his own tux by 30-35 yrs old
- Doesn't invest

Doesn't own his own tux by 30-35 years old. Lolz. OK, lady. Hope you find a good one who doesn't mind the stick in your rectum.

I mean, yeah, that's obviously the least important thing/ non-thing. It was an interesting exercise trying to write out how I'd actually define re: "loser," and I think the others are actually pretty spot on (for me, this is obviously highly individualistic).

I think the tux thing was just on my mind because I went to a charity event last weekend with some guy friends and was impressed that they all had theirs ready to go. But it's totally possible they rented. Doesn't matter; but the others I'll stand by.