Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:31     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Get her doctor involved. Make it clear that your mom has resources and you’re worried she’s not getting adequate care.

If the doctor recommendeds round the clock care it’ll be really hard for POA sibling to deny her that. In my opinion this is the most important of the issues. Dementia can get really bad really fast...

Sibling E should continue to refuse to clean and do yard work because it’s ridiculous. If sibling A wants to be a martyr that’s on them. I don’t participate or facilitate crazy.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:24     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.


How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!


Really? There are siblings A-E. E is the fifth letter of the alphabet. So . . .

This made me laugh too. Maybe OP should have used numbers.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:21     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Listen, I didn’t even clean my own house when I had the financial resources to hire someone! Of course I would help my mom clean if she didn’t have the funds but there’s no way in hell I would spend precious time cleaning my millionaire mothers house. I also wouldn’t do yard work, because again, that’s something I hired out when I had the resources.

The resistance against getting help is insanity and borderline negligence. Especially resistance to hiring a caretaker for longer hours. I would not facilitate this at all.

I would also talk to the mothers doctors about the situation. Maybe if the doctor could formally recommend more help that would help force the POA siblings hand. Then it becomes a matter of going against medical advice.

It’s one thing if the parent can’t afford it, but to withhold care from someone who has the financial means to pay for it is criminal.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:10     Subject: Re:When siblings differ on elderly care
Full time care for the mom here is only a night nurse shift away.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:08     Subject: Re:When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:DH is sibling E in this scenario except we live 500 miles away. Hire cleaning and lawn services. And get a night nurse. Let mom stay at home as long as she can and wants. Visit with your mom instead of dusting and vacuuming. What good is the $5M doing the 90 yr old mom? Make peace with your siblings.

We've been living this same situation (also with 5 siblings, hmmmm) for years. I can tell you sibling A will just get old and bitter and mad at the world while she matrys herself to the care and upkeep of mom, all out of "love". Meanwhile, she causes permanent fractures among the rest of the siblings. It's all as sad as it is ridiculous when there's plenty of money to solve most of these problems.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:05     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.


How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!


Really? There are siblings A-E. E is the fifth letter of the alphabet. So . . .


Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:01     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.


How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!


Really? There are siblings A-E. E is the fifth letter of the alphabet. So . . .
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 12:00     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.


How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!

Money doesn't solve it when A-D give in into dementia request. I've seen it with my parents and their parents. The grandparent would refuse to move, would throw out food that would be brought up by the delivery service and refused any paid help. Parents didn't want any conflict and continued to do all the help by themselves to the detriment of their health. The fear that the grandparent would die because they would aggravate him was too big.


Sibling A, with POA, has all the decisionmaking power with respect to the mother. However, A seems to believe that also given him decisionmaking power over his siblings ("We will all do it this way, because I won't pay for any alternatives), and B-D are going along with that. E is the only one who recognized the practical limits of A's authority.

This will not change until B-D stand up to A, and say that they want a different arrangement. At that time, A can choose to go it alone, or hire some help.

There really are two separate questions here - the first is household chores (and A is being ridiculous). The second is nursing home v. in-home care, and the more OP posts, the more it appears that the mother really should have full time care, likely in a facility.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 11:48     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.


Expecting sibling E to spend their weekends cleaning the house instead of hiring someone is about control, not love. Sibling A is out of line.


This. And sibling E, being in the medical profession, probably is aware of just how far south dementia can take a person. As well meaning as the rest of the group may be they have not seen how bad it can get.

Much depends on what is being termed "dementia" and whether or not grandma can still make rational decisions for herself - even if we don't always agree with what she is deciding.

Why are these family members doing all of this hard physical labor around her house when she can afford to hire it done? They aren't spending quality time with grandma if they are outside mowing the lawn are they? Don't be cheap - hire that done!


OP here. The elderly person cannot make decisions for herself. She cannot cook or clean (too frail).

I posted to see HOW to agree on care for her. I'm not sure how to get Siblings A-E on the same page. Sibling A keeps saying they're doing this for their deceased father and as an act of love to their mother.


Sibling A needs a dose of reality.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 11:45     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.


How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!


OP here. 5 siblings. The parent cannot make their own decisions (thus the power of attorney!). While E is the most vocal about wanting to hire out chores, B-D would be okay hiring more. A is the one who holds the purse strings and won't hire anything out.

The siblings aren't "fighting" exactly, they just all disagree on what should be done and how.


Sibling A is a control freak who is abusing their "Power of Attorney". I would let sibling A go it alone for awhile. Let sibling A do the yard work, the maintenance on the house. The rest of the group can drop by for social visits with grandma and to make sure that SHE is o.k. Sibling A will figure out that the choice is to either 1) Hire the work done 2) move grandma into a nursing home environment. Those are the choices.

Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 11:42     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.


Expecting sibling E to spend their weekends cleaning the house instead of hiring someone is about control, not love. Sibling A is out of line.


This. And sibling E, being in the medical profession, probably is aware of just how far south dementia can take a person. As well meaning as the rest of the group may be they have not seen how bad it can get.

Much depends on what is being termed "dementia" and whether or not grandma can still make rational decisions for herself - even if we don't always agree with what she is deciding.

Why are these family members doing all of this hard physical labor around her house when she can afford to hire it done? They aren't spending quality time with grandma if they are outside mowing the lawn are they? Don't be cheap - hire that done!


OP here. The elderly person cannot make decisions for herself. She cannot cook or clean (too frail).

I posted to see HOW to agree on care for her. I'm not sure how to get Siblings A-E on the same page. Sibling A keeps saying they're doing this for their deceased father and as an act of love to their mother.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 11:38     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.


How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!

Money doesn't solve it when A-D give in into dementia request. I've seen it with my parents and their parents. The grandparent would refuse to move, would throw out food that would be brought up by the delivery service and refused any paid help. Parents didn't want any conflict and continued to do all the help by themselves to the detriment of their health. The fear that the grandparent would die because they would aggravate him was too big.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 11:37     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. None of the siblings are that interested in their inheritance (plus the inheritance will be split so many ways because there were a lot of children and grandchildren). Siblings A-E are all doing what they think is best out of love.


Expecting sibling E to spend their weekends cleaning the house instead of hiring someone is about control, not love. Sibling A is out of line.


This. And sibling E, being in the medical profession, probably is aware of just how far south dementia can take a person. As well meaning as the rest of the group may be they have not seen how bad it can get.

Much depends on what is being termed "dementia" and whether or not grandma can still make rational decisions for herself - even if we don't always agree with what she is deciding.

Why are these family members doing all of this hard physical labor around her house when she can afford to hire it done? They aren't spending quality time with grandma if they are outside mowing the lawn are they? Don't be cheap - hire that done!
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 11:37     Subject: When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Siblings A-D want their elderly parent cared for at home. That’s what the elderly parent wants. They all put in a lot of work at the parent’s house. The parent has a daytime helper (30 hours) but is often alone at night and they all coordinate visits on weekends. Sibling E wants the parent in a nursing home. E is in the medical profession and sees that the elderly parent has dementia and believes a nursing home would be the best care. E refuses to do the coordinated visits on the weekends (E does visit, but wants it to be a social call, not work). Also wants to hire someone to clean the parent’s house and do yardwork. Siblings A-D weekly clean the parent’s house, mow the grass, rake leaves, etc. Sibling A has power of attorney and control over the checkbook and won’t pay for these items (E refuses to clean because E believes the parent should hire someone). The elderly parent is 90 years old with over 5 million still, so could easily afford help or a nursing home. E would even be okay hiring more round the clock care, but doesn’t want to spend their own retirement cleaning their parent’s house.

Lots of fighting over care, help and sending the parent to a nursing home. Is there any solution? Both sides have points.


How many siblings are there? I got confused. Which one are you? Do you believe that your parent can make decisions? If so, I would go with hiring more help to care for house and parent. I think money can solve most of your problems. Try having this situation but, no money!


OP here. 5 siblings. The parent cannot make their own decisions (thus the power of attorney!). While E is the most vocal about wanting to hire out chores, B-D would be okay hiring more. A is the one who holds the purse strings and won't hire anything out.

The siblings aren't "fighting" exactly, they just all disagree on what should be done and how.
Anonymous
Post 11/13/2018 11:32     Subject: Re:When siblings differ on elderly care
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sibling E pays for his/her share of the work and then can use his/her time with parent as a social call.

All should think about a night time caregiver now and have it in place. Find a local senior day out place that is cheaper to help pay for the night time caregiver.


Wait - you think a child should pay for his mother's cleaning and yardwork when the mother has $5 million in assets?

OK.


If the rest of the siblings are dividing up he work and E doesn5 want to do the work, yes- he should pay for the work that is his share if he wants only social visits. The OP said that money wa not an issue for anyone. I would do it for my parent. Don’t be a bean counter.

The bean counter is A, who controls the checkbook. Plus, A-D are okay with the elderly refusing the paid help, which is not a sane decision. At the same time A-D look at what they do as a burden, otherwise they would not fight E.