A man with his back against the wall financially and strapped for time would never say he has to "volunteer."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you really give up your career? You make it sound like you had no choice. Tons (probably the majority) of women go back to work after having children. They get daycare, or hire a nanny if the hours/travel demand that flex. I also have plenty of friends who only stepped out of their career for ~2 years and then were back in the same line of work. Plenty of employees get taking off briefly to be with your child(ren).

I'm sorry you have had to shoulder this burden, but you have to take control and stop acting/sounding like a victim.

How are people having so much trouble understanding OP's situation? I travel a fair bit, and DH works long hours. Both kids are in pre-school, but we also still have their nanny (since older DC was a baby) working FT. She does everything from grocery shopping, to cooking, to laundry in addition to drop-off/pick-up at school. But, when I travel, none of that matters. DH still has to step up and take care of the kids in the evening, often come home earlier than he would normally, take days off work if they and the nanny are both sick (happens), etc. And if you don't believe there are DH's who would simply refuse to those things, then you need to spend more time on DCUM reading threads started by frustrated, unsupported mothers.

Then you wouldn’t have chosen to have a second child and increase your burden.

Anonymous wrote:No one is forcing you to do the bulk of childcare and household responsibilities. Just stop. Make a list of everything that has to be done and ask him to divide it up so you can return to work. If he says no, then leave.

I don’t have a lot of respect for women who do everything at home. What do you mean your husband refused to change a diaper after you had a csection? I would have flipped it and told him if he doesn’t take responsibility then he doesn’t get put on the birth certificaite. Also you’re a fool for quitting your job because your husband wouldn’t help at home. You hire help for everything if you have to.

This approach does not work for men with anger/withdrawal issues. The only thing that works with my similar DH is to vote with my feet. As in, just hand him child and walk out. Then he figures it out. Escalating with ultimatums does not work because he will ALWAYS react more extremely than I am willing to do. Since I haven't been willing to actually leave him, I always lose.

Agree with you though that she should not have quit her job.

Anonymous wrote:Learn to manage. Single mom with executive job.

Sorry, I have to second this. I was in the same situation you were and just learned that you do what you need to do. I have always worked full time and had a nanny for a while and then just day care. Spouse checked out very early on. Kids are older now, but just writing to say you can do this. Don't count on him for anything and just take control.

Act as if you will divorce (you probably will).

Get the best job you can with decent benefits and squirrel away money.

No more volunteering. You are in "make as much as possible" mode.

Start looking for care options. Au pair or nanny is your best bet.

No more volunteering or BS. Cut kids' activities back to a manageable load--they can choose the ones they care about. If activities are non-negotiable (kid is Julliard-bound or future D1 athlete), hire an experienced sitter who can drive.

I'm so sorry, OP.

I'm stuck too. I came to this country as a dependent on my husband's visa, and am not allowed to work. My career is shot, and I have a husband with severe ADHD who cannot reliably work. My home country has a terrible employment rate right now. What the heck do I do?

Divorce sounds inevitable. OP, your husband is insisting that you get a job because he has spoken to an attorney and has been advised that to avoid having to pay allimony he needs to get you working. That is likely the root of why he is now becoming so insistent. And while divorce is not good for children, neither is living with a stressed out father with anger management issues. Sounds awful.

Agree this is likely it--unless there is some sort of sudden financial difficulty, which you do not mention. OP, your marriage sounds unsustainable. Your husband seems to realize this and want out. Why don't you? The immediate job or no-job question is secondary.

Anonymous wrote:Did you really give up your career? You make it sound like you had no choice. Tons (probably the majority) of women go back to work after having children. They get daycare, or hire a nanny if the hours/travel demand that flex. I also have plenty of friends who only stepped out of their career for ~2 years and then were back in the same line of work. Plenty of employees get taking off briefly to be with your child(ren).

I'm sorry you have had to shoulder this burden, but you have to take control and stop acting/sounding like a victim.

How are people having so much trouble understanding OP's situation? I travel a fair bit, and DH works long hours. Both kids are in pre-school, but we also still have their nanny (since older DC was a baby) working FT. She does everything from grocery shopping, to cooking, to laundry in addition to drop-off/pick-up at school. But, when I travel, none of that matters. DH still has to step up and take care of the kids in the evening, often come home earlier than he would normally, take days off work if they and the nanny are both sick (happens), etc. And if you don't believe there are DH's who would simply refuse to those things, then you need to spend more time on DCUM reading threads started by frustrated, unsupported mothers.

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the selfish women who suggest divorce in every thread

Your kids will not be fine

- child of divorce

My parents both divorced twice in my childhood (both divorced my stepparents when I was in middle school) and I’m now a happy person, good relationships with both parents, happily married myself, two kids, good job. I did learn a lot from my parents mistakes, but I don’t think divorcing was one of them. More spouse selection.

If you can get a FT job and afford a nanny, do it.

I'd also talk to a lawyer and figure out how to keep some of your finances for yourself in the event of divorce. I wouldn't NOT work in the hopes of or anticipation of alimony.

And stop doing anything for him - no laundry, no cooking, zip. Carve out your own life with the kids even if you are living together. Maybe he'll notice and step up, but maybe not.

On the school, frankly I'd tell him he has to volunteer 50% of the hours and then stick to it when they call. And direct all the sick calls to him, etc. Be a bitch and force the issue.

He sounds like a complete ass - make some $ and get the heck out.

Did you really give up your career? You make it sound like you had no choice. Tons (probably the majority) of women go back to work after having children. They get daycare, or hire a nanny if the hours/travel demand that flex. I also have plenty of friends who only stepped out of their career for ~2 years and then were back in the same line of work. Plenty of employees get taking off briefly to be with your child(ren).

I'm sorry you have had to shoulder this burden, but you have to take control and stop acting/sounding like a victim.

Make up a consulting project and leave DH alone with the kids for 3 days. He will appreciate all that you do

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You just do it.

Divorce is awesome.

- so much easier than being a mother to a grown ass man. I’m such a better mom without his constant anger and chaos.

Good luck op. I was home with kids for a decade and am happy to be back!

Avoiding a useless man in the first place would be even more awesome! How did you fall for him? What advice can you share with a young, single woman?

I’d say dont marry someone who played football or other sports with lots of head trauma.

When I married him 14 years ago nobody yet knew about Head trauma/concussion syndrome etc. seeing it turn a funny, kind, good man into a rage filled alcoholic over the course of two years has been the most terrifying and horrific thing our could imagine. When he started forgetting our kids all over town and sneaking alcohol/caring for them while intoxicated that I knew I had to leave.

I’d ask tell young, single women to avoid DCUM- but you didn’t ask that.

I appreciate your care and concern - being in a suddenly abisive /addiction impacted marriage has been horrible. I’m so grateful the kids are with me and we are safe and always appreciate the support and kindness of other women like you.

No one is forcing you to do the bulk of childcare and household responsibilities. Just stop. Make a list of everything that has to be done and ask him to divide it up so you can return to work. If he says no, then leave.

I don’t have a lot of respect for women who do everything at home. What do you mean your husband refused to change a diaper after you had a csection? I would have flipped it and told him if he doesn’t take responsibility then he doesn’t get put on the birth certificaite. Also you’re a fool for quitting your job because your husband wouldn’t help at home. You hire help for everything if you have to.