Anonymous
11/07/2018 22:53
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
Anonymous wrote:I wonder if some of the unhappiness of adult adoptees stems from the secretive and closed culture that used to surround adoption. Today open adoptions are more common and I would guess that would help adoptees navigate their feelings.
Hopefully these days relinquishment is a well thought out choice versus the coercion of the past. The stigma of an unwed mother has lessened. But the poster who says adopted children are no different from biological children is basically dismissing possible legitimate feelings of abandonment by the adoptee. I also believe being connected via open adoption hopefully makes that easier to navigate.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 20:35
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
Adult adoptee here (international, closed, different race).
I have two sides to the coin as do all kids (just scroll thru the family forum lol).
I was adopted as an infant in what might be the most benign of circumstances, or at least circumstances that disn’t leave lasting effects. I was healthy and well cared for. My adoptive family was very very open right from the beginning... i so not remember them “telling me” bc they started when i was so young. Which imho is the way to go. Now, do i possibly have some very mild abandonment issues? Maybe, but i know plenty of bio kids with MORE issues. I have never been curious enough to search for my bio parents... partly bc i think it would kill my parents, and i love them enough to not want to do that to them, but also bc I am aware that the end result could devastate me. Basically, I don’t feel like I M “missing anything.” I always thought that i might feel differently once i had kids of my own... nope. All the issues i have with my parents are due to things NOT related to adoption.
Now my younger sib was adopted as a slightly older child and suffered drug addiction and malnourishment in the womb and beyond. They have mental instabilities and issues that stem from not developing correctly / physiological, but also serious identity issues that have affected all relationships. So anyone who knows us probably sees us as the two completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I should also add they I never had any racial issues but sibling experienced significant bullying/teasing... not really sure why / what the difference was.
Everyone has issues. Adoptees just tend to have presictable ones (like abandonment) and noticeable ones like health or addiction issues that probably had to do with the reason they were available anyway.
I have two sides to the coin as do all kids (just scroll thru the family forum lol).
I was adopted as an infant in what might be the most benign of circumstances, or at least circumstances that disn’t leave lasting effects. I was healthy and well cared for. My adoptive family was very very open right from the beginning... i so not remember them “telling me” bc they started when i was so young. Which imho is the way to go. Now, do i possibly have some very mild abandonment issues? Maybe, but i know plenty of bio kids with MORE issues. I have never been curious enough to search for my bio parents... partly bc i think it would kill my parents, and i love them enough to not want to do that to them, but also bc I am aware that the end result could devastate me. Basically, I don’t feel like I M “missing anything.” I always thought that i might feel differently once i had kids of my own... nope. All the issues i have with my parents are due to things NOT related to adoption.
Now my younger sib was adopted as a slightly older child and suffered drug addiction and malnourishment in the womb and beyond. They have mental instabilities and issues that stem from not developing correctly / physiological, but also serious identity issues that have affected all relationships. So anyone who knows us probably sees us as the two completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I should also add they I never had any racial issues but sibling experienced significant bullying/teasing... not really sure why / what the difference was.
Everyone has issues. Adoptees just tend to have presictable ones (like abandonment) and noticeable ones like health or addiction issues that probably had to do with the reason they were available anyway.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 19:51
Subject: Re:Are most adoptees unhappy?
No, adopted persons are not any more of anything than other people. They are not more depressed, happy, luckier, whatever. The adoption does not factor into personality or mental stamina.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 18:59
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family
I hate to say it, but you don’t seem like a good candidate for adoption. Most adopted kids will want to find their birth family. If you’re feeling this much angst about a hypothetical child, I can only imagine how would you act with a child you knew and loved. Bad idea. You’d be setting everyone up to fail.
I think you’re being a bit harsh towards her (understatement). PP, your baby will leave you for adulthood and the world, but even if they contact their birth parents they can never leave you for them. You are their mother, that doesn’t change.[/quote]
Don't be obtuse. Obviously a child could become closer to their birth family and choose to spend more time with them than their adoptive family. This is a legitimate fear.
Are you worried that your biological children will become closer to another family and spend more time with them? It could happen, I suppose. But our children our OUR children, no less so if they were adopted. It’s appalling, although I suppose not surprising, that there are still people in this country who think they aren’t.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 18:48
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
I'm a birth mother who's posted on DCUM threads on the topic before. Open adoption, & child (now 20s) was/is very happy with bio family, is stable, married, didn't resent or question being adopted. Now, her mom's a therapist & was very open/supportive. This is all anecdotal, of course, but I wanted to give you a positive story (which is just as valid as the negative ones folks are sending your way). I will say that relinquishing a child is not without pain -- but for me, it really was my choice as the era of closed adoptions wasn't still operative. I am in touch with this adult child & she knows my younger children. Best of luck with your parenting journey, OP -- I know that the pain I endured in placing a child for adoption is matched on the other side by the pain/loss of infertility for many adoptive moms. However you find your family, I wish you the best.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 18:41
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
I know an adoptee who chose to adopt a child of her own because she thinks that adoption is great.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 18:36
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
I wonder if some of the unhappiness of adult adoptees stems from the secretive and closed culture that used to surround adoption. Today open adoptions are more common and I would guess that would help adoptees navigate their feelings.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 18:20
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:this makes me sad. I want to adopt but one of my biggest fears is my "baby" leaving me for the bio family
I hate to say it, but you don’t seem like a good candidate for adoption. Most adopted kids will want to find their birth family. If you’re feeling this much angst about a hypothetical child, I can only imagine how would you act with a child you knew and loved. Bad idea. You’d be setting everyone up to fail.
+1. Try donor eggs.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 18:16
Subject: Re:Are most adoptees unhappy?
We adopted our daughter when she was about 1 year old. She's in her first year of college now and is generally a very upbeat, resilient and emphathic person. This isn't just my opinion b/c I adore her, but this is what teachers, coaches and family friends say about her.
Will she struggle at some point with having been adopted? Yes, possibly. If/when that happens, we'll be here to walk the walk with her. Because we also have two older children who were born into our family, as well as several older nephews and nieces, we've been through the challenges that young people experience as they navigate the task of defining adult identity. When we adopted our daughter, I asked a wise friend who is a social worker whether we would be equipped to be parents of a child who was adopted. She said, "You know, there are always curveballs in parenting." Words to live by.
Will she struggle at some point with having been adopted? Yes, possibly. If/when that happens, we'll be here to walk the walk with her. Because we also have two older children who were born into our family, as well as several older nephews and nieces, we've been through the challenges that young people experience as they navigate the task of defining adult identity. When we adopted our daughter, I asked a wise friend who is a social worker whether we would be equipped to be parents of a child who was adopted. She said, "You know, there are always curveballs in parenting." Words to live by.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 17:45
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
Anonymous wrote:My DH is adopted and has a terrible relationship with his mother. He really does not like her at all. Her parenting style was heavily influenced by knowing that she was lucky to get this one heathy child and it was her only shot to be a parent and everything (and him) had to be absolutely perfect. He must not get his clothes dirty, he must be protected from all risks, and worst, he must be thankful for his food, clothes and education because he could have grown up poor instead.
This is how my previosly poor bio parents were with me as well, so not sure if it's related to adoption or juat parenting style.
My dh and I have decided not to adopt; while I think open adoption now may be much better, I have had adopted friends who were very miserable as teenagers and young adults. I'm not sure I want to go through that as an adoptive parent.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 17:43
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
No and this question is offensive.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 17:42
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
I have 2 cousins who are adopted (not by the same aunt and uncle). One is perfectly happy, the other carries some hurt and resentment. I have no idea what made the difference.
To be clear, the hurt cousin is a generally happy and functional person. This doesn't define him, or absorb his every thought, but it's there. An underlying hurt and anger when he thinks about it. He is, however, glad to be alive and loves his adoptive parents. But he struggles with understanding why his biological parents gave him up. It was not an open adoption but he is aware that his bio mother was young (I believe in high school). Interestingly, he has a lot more anger towards his bio father, who we don't really know anything about.
Neither cousin has any interest in finding their bio family.
To be clear, the hurt cousin is a generally happy and functional person. This doesn't define him, or absorb his every thought, but it's there. An underlying hurt and anger when he thinks about it. He is, however, glad to be alive and loves his adoptive parents. But he struggles with understanding why his biological parents gave him up. It was not an open adoption but he is aware that his bio mother was young (I believe in high school). Interestingly, he has a lot more anger towards his bio father, who we don't really know anything about.
Neither cousin has any interest in finding their bio family.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 17:42
Subject: Are most adoptees unhappy?
Anonymous wrote:My DH is adopted and has a terrible relationship with his mother. He really does not like her at all. Her parenting style was heavily influenced by knowing that she was lucky to get this one heathy child and it was her only shot to be a parent and everything (and him) had to be absolutely perfect. He must not get his clothes dirty, he must be protected from all risks, and worst, he must be thankful for his food, clothes and education because he could have grown up poor instead.
That sounds like my mother and I’m not even adopted!
Some people just stink, pp, and they’ll probably become parents anyway.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 17:31
Subject: Re:Are most adoptees unhappy?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Ive spent hours and hours, months and months, years and years researching this topic. But you know what? Adoption is the ONLY way I can mother. I had 7 rounds of IVFs only to have one 15 weeks miscarriage and one 29 weeks stillbirth. This is literally my only avenue left and damnit Im going to take it and pray for the best. Im going to be informed and try my hardest. Im going to listen and acknowledge their struggles but Im going to do it and Im not going to feel like Im humane trafficking an innocent baby. Im a good person who wants to be a mom and Im doing my best. And I will love my children as hard as you love yours.
Im happy for you, PP! Your future sons and/or daughters will be lucky to have you!
+1 A good friend of my son is an adoptee. He's actually the product of an open adoption, the bio parents had 3 kids already and couldn't care for another. He's a happy kid, and there's a lot of love in both the adoptive family and the bio family and over time, it seems to have spread across the two families. Adoption enables parents to have the kids they're able/willing to parent. Comparing it to human trafficking is simply offensive.
Anonymous
11/07/2018 17:25
Subject: Re:Are most adoptees unhappy?
I'm an adult adoptee as is my sister. Neither of us has any mood, substance use, or attachment disorders. I agree that there is a vocal anti-adoption sentiment among some adoptees. Personally, I think most adoptees are like any other typical people- more or less happy, just trying to make it through life.
As others have said, transracial adoption can add a more challenging element (I'm a transracial adoptee). I'm also an adoptive parent and from my experience as both adoptee of the 70s and adoptive parent of today, I see a lot more education and awareness on the part of adoption agencies and adoptive parents.
I have found my birth family, but I can promise you it was not done as a rejection of my adoptive parents. If you adopt, you must be ready to accept that your child has two mothers/fathers even if your child may be completely uninterested in seeking their birth families (as my sister and child are). If my adoptive mom was ever troubled or threatened by the fact that I searched for my birth family, she never showed it and for that, I am indeed thankful.
I also have bio children and can assure you that it is possible to love an adopted child as much as a bio child, in case you're wondering about that!
As others have said, transracial adoption can add a more challenging element (I'm a transracial adoptee). I'm also an adoptive parent and from my experience as both adoptee of the 70s and adoptive parent of today, I see a lot more education and awareness on the part of adoption agencies and adoptive parents.
I have found my birth family, but I can promise you it was not done as a rejection of my adoptive parents. If you adopt, you must be ready to accept that your child has two mothers/fathers even if your child may be completely uninterested in seeking their birth families (as my sister and child are). If my adoptive mom was ever troubled or threatened by the fact that I searched for my birth family, she never showed it and for that, I am indeed thankful.
I also have bio children and can assure you that it is possible to love an adopted child as much as a bio child, in case you're wondering about that!