Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you access DC's account if you are not on their "friends" (or whatever) list?

If you are on their phone, logged in as the child, you have access as owner of the account.

But are you the owner of the account, if your DC is the one who opened the account, and you don't have the pw? Do all parents have their DC's IG pw?

OP here. When we got her the phone and she asked about social media accounts, we held off for quite a while. When we did allow her to get on social media sometime later, we had many discussions, one of which was about the importance of parents having all-access to each account. I had her write down all passwords and usernames and told her I could check on what she was doing anytime. I also said that it wouldn't be an everyday thing because I wanted to respect her having room to make her own decisions and thought it would be good for her to have some level of privacy. But I also told her that I needed to know all the passwords, just to be on the safe side.

And that's how I handled it. I didn't look aggressively but rather scrolled through texts and social media here and there when I thought to do it and looked out for any words or messages that might seem alarming or inappropriate. But I never looked super thoroughly at her snapchat account and also had no idea that she created an additional instagram account without my knowledge.

In short, I can access her accounts just as easily as she can because I have the same accessibility (i.e. log in information).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you access DC's account if you are not on their "friends" (or whatever) list?

If you are on their phone, logged in as the child, you have access as owner of the account.

But are you the owner of the account, if your DC is the one who opened the account, and you don't have the pw? Do all parents have their DC's IG pw?

Anonymous wrote:Do you go to church? Kids that don't do to church fall through the cracks more than those that do. The soul needs to know that it is valuable and loved by God even more than the earth. Secular strategies and parenting strategies are good but not as effective in the deepest areas of the soul. Kids and adults will fill the hole in their soul with something else if left empty of God. They will often fill it with sex, alchohol and drugs also sometimes other addictions like working out body worship, accumulation of money and possessions etc. When the soul has God the life is more peaceful and less chaotic.

Do you have any statistical evidence to back this up? Or are you praying that this is the truth?
My personal observations are the people those who have been forced to repress natural sexual feelings without the opportunity to discuss openly, denied FACTUAL sexual information, can’t explore safely and consensually, are far more likely to engage in unhealthy sexual activities or become victims of sexual assault.

Take away the phone and enroll her in an all girls' school.

Mom of 16 y.o. DD here...

First, priority is to keep lines of communication open for other things. So I'd actually keep it to a light conversation of about how sexual talk can be screenshotted and used against her someday and she has to run her texts through that filter.

(not sure if I like this idea, but just thought of this, that you screenshot one nasty sample, put it on your phone, and then hold it up to her, saying, look, someone could email me THIS)
for emphasis. But that might be too much; I'll have to think about this.

Second, re the content, agree with a PP to take her to a pediatrician under the guise of her 14 y.o. appointment, or a shot, whatever. Ours gives a great talk on all things--nutrition, drugs, sex, learning to drive, etc. However; CALL the pediatrician before, and explain the purpose of the visit, your concerns, etc. You may have to do this on the pede's voicemail. But that way the pede is ready and on target.

Lots of good advice here. I want to add-Kudos mom for actually monitoring and catching this. A lot of parents don’t. Second, I shared this story with my 15 yr old DD. She has a boyfriend., is a good Public school student in Bethesda but is not horribly shelter (other than what comes with her Bethesda zip code). I asked her if girls talked this way and she could name only one girl in her grade that she thought might. She did not think girls talk this way if they are not serious about having sex. So, I agree with PP you should address her attitude about sex in some way as they seem risky.

The issue here is not technology (that just gave the mother a window into her daughter's brain). You have to have some discussions, and if you cannot then hire a professional, about WHY she wants to have sex at this age. Does she not have bigger dreams and aspirations? Does she take a pride in other aspects of herself than her sexuality and physical attractiveness? Where did she get her current attitudes (which are not humanistic or respectful of herself at all). I worry about this girl in both practical (i.e. public health/pregnancy/rape) ways and emotionally.

Totally disagree that this is normal hormonal curiosity. Her school or media exposure has given her really messed up attitudes towards sex/her body/herself. I would try to get her in a different social crowd and have a calm, wise adult whom she will listen to..talk to her. Not sure if it is too late though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

I have a son and I would come down harder on him for that kind of online behavior.

In today's climate, that kind of online behavior could brand a boy as a predator for the rest of his life, while a girl has a 50/50 chance of a very different perception of her behavior.

Yes, people mention "locker room" talk- no idea. My son uses language like that, and we come down hard. Boys can get into a lot of trouble at a very young age if they're thought of as being harassing, threatening or creepy. If my DS started talking about having sex at school, using explicit language to describe what he wants to do, and who with...he would not be perceived as "at risk" - he would be perceived as a sexual predator.

Exactly.

A boy would be seen as a sexual predator using that language.

Some people would view a girl as being slutty, but others would see her as empowered or a victim.

Yes, times have changed to the point for a girl this is considered milder than for a boy. A boy could be permently labelled a predator. This could cost him college or a job is the wrong person saw it. He could get kicked out of school. For a girl we are more careful not to slut shame and to work with her. To be honest I would be even more alarmed with my son because he has even more to lose. There is no "boys will be boys" when it comes to this, but we are moving toward being more open minded with girls.

Anonymous wrote:Do you go to church? Kids that don't do to church fall through the cracks more than those that do. The soul needs to know that it is valuable and loved by God even more than the earth. Secular strategies and parenting strategies are good but not as effective in the deepest areas of the soul. Kids and adults will fill the hole in their soul with something else if left empty of God. They will often fill it with sex, alchohol and drugs also sometimes other addictions like working out body worship, accumulation of money and possessions etc. When the soul has God the life is more peaceful and less chaotic.

What a stupid statement. You know the church kids were the wildest in college right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

I have a son and I would come down harder on him for that kind of online behavior.

In today's climate, that kind of online behavior could brand a boy as a predator for the rest of his life, while a girl has a 50/50 chance of a very different perception of her behavior.

Yes, people mention "locker room" talk- no idea. My son uses language like that, and we come down hard. Boys can get into a lot of trouble at a very young age if they're thought of as being harassing, threatening or creepy. If my DS started talking about having sex at school, using explicit language to describe what he wants to do, and who with...he would not be perceived as "at risk" - he would be perceived as a sexual predator.

Exactly.

A boy would be seen as a sexual predator using that language.

Some people would view a girl as being slutty, but others would see her as empowered or a victim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

I suspect this is a teen. You can absolutely take away a phone for a period of time or switch to a flip phone. This is called setting boundaries and young people need boundaries and consequences to develop into decent adults. Yes, I absolutely would be this alarmed if it were a boy. Do you have any idea how many young adults out there are wondering why they can't get jobs, or are rejected at their college of choice that was a shoe in because they were morons online. Nothing wrong with teens being curious about sex and talking about it. What OP found was highly concerning and needs to be addressed. There also needs to be consequences.

I do not think it is a teen.

I think it is one of dcum childless people, perhaps a college aged nanny.

Anonymous wrote:How do you access DC's account if you are not on their "friends" (or whatever) list?

If you are on their phone, logged in as the child, you have access as owner of the account.

How do you access DC's account if you are not on their "friends" (or whatever) list?

Just want to give OP a virtual hug and thank her for sharing. I check my 10 year olds emails etc every single night and this post reassures me that I’m doing the right thing.
I was sexually active at 15 and looking back I wish my parents had been more aware of what was going on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some very extreme recommendations in this thread that are not age-appropriate. You can't just take away a teenager's phone--it's how they communicate with their friends--not like the good old days of tying up the landline for hours and passing notes in class. Also, while the sexually explicit language is unnerving, would you be having the same reactions if it were a boy, or would this be dismissed as "locker room talk"? Norms are changing and talking about sex is not as taboo as it once was. I wouldn't make the assumption that she is acting on it.

I have a son and I would come down harder on him for that kind of online behavior.

In today's climate, that kind of online behavior could brand a boy as a predator for the rest of his life, while a girl has a 50/50 chance of a very different perception of her behavior.

Yes, people mention "locker room" talk- no idea. My son uses language like that, and we come down hard. Boys can get into a lot of trouble at a very young age if they're thought of as being harassing, threatening or creepy. If my DS started talking about having sex at school, using explicit language to describe what he wants to do, and who with...he would not be perceived as "at risk" - he would be perceived as a sexual predator.