Anonymous
10/27/2018 10:04
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t bring my kids to wine night but also, your tone makes it sound like you don’t care about her kid at all or the fact that being a mom doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone.
You aren’t really close friends and should probably cut it off.
I still remember when a friend of mine wanted to wait to have lunch with me until I could find a midday sitter bc I couldn’t drink if I brought my kid. This would have been the first time out of many gathering I needed to bring my kid bc I didn’t have someone to watch.
The bolded is why this post irks me. It’s not your request that’s unreasonable, it’s your approach. It’s not friendly, it’s tantrumish.
Anonymous
10/27/2018 09:51
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
I understand I don't think you're a witch OP. If the dynamic is established within your group that certain events are childfree, whether that's because your other friends with kids are willing/able to leave them at home, or because they don't have any, she's being a special snowflake if she expects that to change for her.
As long as the kid is welcome sometimes, as other posters have mentioned - for brunches and bbqs and hikes if she pushes him in a stroller, it's fine to point out occasions when he isn't. It's also fine for those whose houses aren't childproof to point that out, too. It's not just an enjoyment issue, in that case it's a safety issue. How terrible would it be if the kid got into cleaning supplies or the like and got sick?
As long as the kid is welcome sometimes, as other posters have mentioned - for brunches and bbqs and hikes if she pushes him in a stroller, it's fine to point out occasions when he isn't. It's also fine for those whose houses aren't childproof to point that out, too. It's not just an enjoyment issue, in that case it's a safety issue. How terrible would it be if the kid got into cleaning supplies or the like and got sick?
Anonymous
10/27/2018 09:31
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here: Friend has a hubby but I think she just genuinely enjoys having her kid around. Even when hubby can sit. I think she seems to think we’re as fond of him as she is.
At first we were thrilled for her and I think she ran with this.
She’s the type to overpost on social media about how amazing her kid is. I get that’s her priority. That’s not ours and we’ve been more than accommodating but it’s getting tiring. Having an adult party on a weekend and you bring your kid it ruins the mood, we have to be mindful of the kid
and he walks and gets into everything which I get kids do. As a mutual friend put it if the house isn’t really kid friendly and there’s a lot of breakables you’re constantly on the edge wondering if he will accidentally pull something down and break it-this was brought up as she brought her kid to our wine and dine party a few weeks ago. She tries to mingle and assumes everyone else will keep an eye out on him. We take turns hosting for the most part but she usually doesn’t since she prefers to get out of the house. we’ve all been friends for over 5 years.
Ahh...I get it. It was cute when the kid was a baby, and you all probably fussed over the baby, so she got a lot of validation over bringing him. But now that he’s hit that toddler stage, it’s more destructive than cute.
I don’t know what to say. Its hard. I went through something like this with my parents and siblings. They made it clear that some things were adult events. My feelings were hurt, but I got over it. A couple of years later, one of my siblings had a baby, and the scales tipped to everything being child friendly.
Dagger! But I’m glad reality and family won out.
Anonymous
10/27/2018 08:41
Subject: Re:I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
She is a FTM. She just doesn’t get it, and none of you have the experience to help. If she is going to bring her child, then it is going to be a much different experience for her than if she doesn’t. She should be within a few feet and watching him the whole time. She also needs to bring a few toys that aren’t messy or loud like little tykes, hot wheels, or some magnatiles. Then she needs to be prepared to leave if her child is getting in to everything. You’re right that expecting her child to be able to run around while she socializes is impolite at best.
Anonymous
10/27/2018 08:31
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:OP here: Friend has a hubby but I think she just genuinely enjoys having her kid around. Even when hubby can sit. I think she seems to think we’re as fond of him as she is.
At first we were thrilled for her and I think she ran with this.
She’s the type to overpost on social media about how amazing her kid is. I get that’s her priority. That’s not ours and we’ve been more than accommodating but it’s getting tiring. Having an adult party on a weekend and you bring your kid it ruins the mood, we have to be mindful of the kid
and he walks and gets into everything which I get kids do. As a mutual friend put it if the house isn’t really kid friendly and there’s a lot of breakables you’re constantly on the edge wondering if he will accidentally pull something down and break it-this was brought up as she brought her kid to our wine and dine party a few weeks ago. She tries to mingle and assumes everyone else will keep an eye out on him. We take turns hosting for the most part but she usually doesn’t since she prefers to get out of the house. we’ve all been friends for over 5 years.
Ahh...I get it. It was cute when the kid was a baby, and you all probably fussed over the baby, so she got a lot of validation over bringing him. But now that he’s hit that toddler stage, it’s more destructive than cute.
I don’t know what to say. Its hard. I went through something like this with my parents and siblings. They made it clear that some things were adult events. My feelings were hurt, but I got over it. A couple of years later, one of my siblings had a baby, and the scales tipped to everything being child friendly.
Anonymous
10/27/2018 07:19
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:We have a friend like this. The 16 year old considers himself part of our group but he's really not, he's just an awkward teen and it is annoying to always have him around. We're not going to cut her out, though. Sigh!
Your friend brings her 16 year-old son? What does he do? Just sit there and listen to you talk and watch you drink?
Anonymous
10/27/2018 02:37
Subject: Re:I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
I had a friend like this. Once she became a mom a part of her and our friendship died. She is unwilling to do anything without her kids- despite a supportive husband and active parents. Girls nyc weekend sans kids became let’s take little Ellie to the zoo. We just aren’t friends anymore and that’s ok
Anonymous
10/27/2018 02:26
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Being a parent in my opinion is the largest sacrifice on the planet.
When one thinks of all the collective things one gives up after having even one child - everything else is just fluff.
I was a Single Parent w/no money or family to help out when my own kids were younger.
I gave up A LOT.
But I accepted that & just adapted.
I never even considered bringing my kids to certain situations where I knew that adults would be coming only.
How absolutely rude, selfish + just inconsiderate w/a capital R.
When one thinks of all the collective things one gives up after having even one child - everything else is just fluff.
I was a Single Parent w/no money or family to help out when my own kids were younger.
I gave up A LOT.
But I accepted that & just adapted.
I never even considered bringing my kids to certain situations where I knew that adults would be coming only.
How absolutely rude, selfish + just inconsiderate w/a capital R.
Anonymous
10/27/2018 01:01
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:OP here: Friend has a hubby but I think she just genuinely enjoys having her kid around. Even when hubby can sit. I think she seems to think we’re as fond of him as she is.
At first we were thrilled for her and I think she ran with this.
She’s the type to overpost on social media about how amazing her kid is. I get that’s her priority. That’s not ours and we’ve been more than accommodating but it’s getting tiring. Having an adult party on a weekend and you bring your kid it ruins the mood, we have to be mindful of the kid
and he walks and gets into everything which I get kids do. As a mutual friend put it if the house isn’t really kid friendly and there’s a lot of breakables you’re constantly on the edge wondering if he will accidentally pull something down and break it-this was brought up as she brought her kid to our wine and dine party a few weeks ago. She tries to mingle and assumes everyone else will keep an eye out on him. We take turns hosting for the most part but she usually doesn’t since she prefers to get out of the house. we’ve all been friends for over 5 years.
I'm a PP. I was very clear with my friend with a toddler that my house is NOT child-proof and she should NOT bring her child because there are a lot of things he could get into that are fragile that I am not willing to part with. She got it and did not attend. If she had insisted on bringing him, I would have told her not to, for the above reasons. You have to be very clear, OP- "The gals and I would love to see you for drinks. What day would work for you when Nigel can care for young Byram?"
Anonymous
10/27/2018 00:12
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
OP here: Friend has a hubby but I think she just genuinely enjoys having her kid around. Even when hubby can sit. I think she seems to think we’re as fond of him as she is.
At first we were thrilled for her and I think she ran with this.
She’s the type to overpost on social media about how amazing her kid is. I get that’s her priority. That’s not ours and we’ve been more than accommodating but it’s getting tiring. Having an adult party on a weekend and you bring your kid it ruins the mood, we have to be mindful of the kid
and he walks and gets into everything which I get kids do. As a mutual friend put it if the house isn’t really kid friendly and there’s a lot of breakables you’re constantly on the edge wondering if he will accidentally pull something down and break it-this was brought up as she brought her kid to our wine and dine party a few weeks ago. She tries to mingle and assumes everyone else will keep an eye out on him. We take turns hosting for the most part but she usually doesn’t since she prefers to get out of the house. we’ve all been friends for over 5 years.
At first we were thrilled for her and I think she ran with this.
She’s the type to overpost on social media about how amazing her kid is. I get that’s her priority. That’s not ours and we’ve been more than accommodating but it’s getting tiring. Having an adult party on a weekend and you bring your kid it ruins the mood, we have to be mindful of the kid
and he walks and gets into everything which I get kids do. As a mutual friend put it if the house isn’t really kid friendly and there’s a lot of breakables you’re constantly on the edge wondering if he will accidentally pull something down and break it-this was brought up as she brought her kid to our wine and dine party a few weeks ago. She tries to mingle and assumes everyone else will keep an eye out on him. We take turns hosting for the most part but she usually doesn’t since she prefers to get out of the house. we’ve all been friends for over 5 years.
Anonymous
10/26/2018 21:31
Subject: Re:I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
The op probably complains when her friend turns down the invite. Accept that your friendship gas changed and may possibly be over.
Anonymous
10/26/2018 21:28
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Some people think they should be able to bring a child everywhere. Some places aren't appropriate for children. It's not that hard to understand. If you are that psychotic that you refuse to leave your child with a babysitter, I feel bad for your kid.
These people are selfish and have tunnel vision. They see it as people turning against them or their child. What they fail to realize is that an adult happy hour is designed to be just that. No onenwants to worry about child proofing the room, getting snacks and drinks to accommodate the little crumb snatchers. If one child is allowed, then how can't all children be allowed? Instead of an adult gathering, you have daycare.
When a party is throw, the host sets the rules. That's how it works. There are not special exceptions for you because you have a child that you hover over at ever waking moment.
Ok. So you’re kidfree. If ever you’re not, you will remember the intensity of digging in with shame.
Of course there are events that children shouldn’t be at. Babysitting is $$$. If your expectation is for parents to never bring their children, understand you’ll probably see them with far less frequency, and for shorter period of time. “Happy Hour”, costs between $60-80 just in sitter fees. So pick a family friendly brunch spot now and again and try to be decent.
GMAFB. I have 2 kids, including a baby. It’s not that hard to get that you shouldn’t bring your kid to every single girls night. OP said they’ve been accommodating on scheduling when it works for her, and she always brings the kid. It’s not a one-off time that they’re jumping on her about. She should be telling the group when her DH is around. If she doesn’t have a partner, and doesn’t want to pay a babysitter, then she should decline things like wine nights and suggest something more conducive to bringing a kid occasionally. I have a lot of single friends, and sometimes I bring my baby, like to lunch, if my friends are cool with it (and they are). But if they are having a wine night, I either figure out a way for someone to watch my kid, or I say “maybe next time.” It’s ridiculous to suggest that everyone else needs to change to accommodate a kid now to every single get together. And if the friend gets pissy ad drops them for that, oh well.
Anonymous
10/26/2018 20:52
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
I usually asked if it was cool to bring my child when they were smaller. Most group things conflicted with our schedule too much to bother. I solo parent a bunch and really appreciate when I have support for a kidless evening. It’s rough for many of us to get out at all when they’re little.
Anonymous
10/26/2018 20:49
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she the first in your group to have a child?
Is she divorced? Why can’t dad watch the kid in occassional girls night?
Is it being planned in a way that’s possible? My husband and I switch off now and again so we can see friends, but it doesn’t always line up and definitely needs pretty advanced notice due to work/work travel. It’s not always so simple even with a spouse.
Then she should simply decline.
That’s not really answering the question. If you are OP, you need to be much more clear with your friend. See when she has coverage, spell out which hosts are not open to children being present, or as another poster suggested plan it as an out event. If she’s bringing her kid to a bar that’s on her. If you’re expecting her to get an unsent groupthink memo it’s poor planning.
I'm not OP.
Anonymous
10/26/2018 20:48
Subject: I think our friend is annoyed with us but she can’t see her own faults.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is she the first in your group to have a child?
Is she divorced? Why can’t dad watch the kid in occassional girls night?
Is it being planned in a way that’s possible? My husband and I switch off now and again so we can see friends, but it doesn’t always line up and definitely needs pretty advanced notice due to work/work travel. It’s not always so simple even with a spouse.
Then she should simply decline.
That’s not really answering the question. If you are OP, you need to be much more clear with your friend. See when she has coverage, spell out which hosts are not open to children being present, or as another poster suggested plan it as an out event. If she’s bringing her kid to a bar that’s on her. If you’re expecting her to get an unsent groupthink memo it’s poor planning.
Why should she need a “groupthink memo” to not bring her kid to an ADULT GATHERING?
Are you drunk now?
Not at all. I rarely drink at all. But an adult gathering is for adults; alcohol consumption is irrelevant.
If no one is saying anything about her child being there she may not know it’s an issue. They can not invite her or spell it out. Not everyone picks up on subtlety.