Anonymous
10/22/2018 12:19
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
I agree, our entire country is stuck on the hamster wheel with two parents working to afford the “best”. It’s a vicious cycle that only a few can manage successfully and is why we are racked with divorce and very mentally unhealthy children. Stay home if at all possible. Your whole family will breathe a sigh of relief.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 12:02
Subject: Re:DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I get grumpy as a parent when I need a break. OP, if your DH has ADHD, he probably doesn't have the executive functioning skills to figure out how to get himself a regular break. You may need to help him. What did he do to unwind before kids? When does he seem happiest? When does he connect with the kids? With you?
Is the morning slog the worst? If so, get a nanny or au pair to help with mornings and send him to the gym / to get coffee / to work early / chilling in bed / to read the news. Hiring help is so much cheaper than a divorce.
What is your job OP and DHs job & commutes?
Honestly, our jobs are busy but could be a lot worse (no big-law, etc.). Both are Feds. His commute is about 30 minutes and mine is an hour. He has to be to work by 6:00 (but gets home early) so I do drop-off and he handles pick-up. I telework 2-3 days a week so am around those days to help with the evening routine.
You have a longer commute but only have to endure it 2-3 times a week. I work early shift too, and getting to work by 6, means he is up at 430 or 5am, then picking up the kids E.V.E.R.Y day can be very draining. So you are there in the evening, and then he probably gets 'done' (as in no one asking something of him) around 8pm. So maybe he unwinds for an hour, and in bed by 9, which would feel like a very limited life.
But I suspect he stays up past 9, and the issue you are dealing with is he is overtired.
You do have quite the slog there.
Yes, this is very much the issue. He's usually home by 3:00 and takes a nap before picking up the kids at 5:00, but it doesn't seem to help much.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 11:12
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Aura should be “au pair”. You can thank nutso autocorrect
Anonymous
10/22/2018 11:11
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
You may not like this and I know how DCUM hates SAHM but that was what worked for us. Both of us were in biglaw and the hours were insane. I was able to go part time after DC1 but it was its part time pay with full time 24/7 connectivity expectation. When I got pregnant with number 2. Decided to take a break from working bc I made much less than my DH and he had more job security.
It seemed to just work organically for our house. The kids are now in middle school and I am still not ready to go back yet because they just need so much supervision and parenting. Yes I made some sacrifices but I’m ok with that.
I was speaking to another mom yesterday who is a small business owner, so everything is on her. The husband works too. Her secret has been only have one kid, an aura or, and out source everything: a chef comes to cook meals for the week, a laundress, gardener, and an assistant to do everything else. I don’t know how she can afford it but for them it works well. There is no shame in that game of outsourcing if it works for you.
It seemed to just work organically for our house. The kids are now in middle school and I am still not ready to go back yet because they just need so much supervision and parenting. Yes I made some sacrifices but I’m ok with that.
I was speaking to another mom yesterday who is a small business owner, so everything is on her. The husband works too. Her secret has been only have one kid, an aura or, and out source everything: a chef comes to cook meals for the week, a laundress, gardener, and an assistant to do everything else. I don’t know how she can afford it but for them it works well. There is no shame in that game of outsourcing if it works for you.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:58
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Yuck.
Similar here, I even put the kids in private school since he was so uninvolved I needed all the help and feedback I could get.
I continue to work FT, no way would I cut back for zero appreciation and then he would check out even more. My DH does have untreated ADHD, as does his whole side of the family. Going to visit them is like accident city for my kids, it's nerve-wracking what happens.
Similar here, I even put the kids in private school since he was so uninvolved I needed all the help and feedback I could get.
I continue to work FT, no way would I cut back for zero appreciation and then he would check out even more. My DH does have untreated ADHD, as does his whole side of the family. Going to visit them is like accident city for my kids, it's nerve-wracking what happens.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:57
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Anonymous wrote:Is he also an introvert? Sometimes the stress of 24-7 children's needs and behavior is too much for an introvert to stand on a daily basis. What helps some is to have a designated down time space and time to transition from the work world to the home world. For some a commute is all that is needed, for others a "man cave" moment or workout.
Both of us are (although probably me even more than him). He gets home around 3:00 and doesn't do pick-up till 5:00, so he usually takes a nap or sometimes runs a few errands.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:54
Subject: Re:DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
OP I feel your pain. Same situation here. My DH is big law though, and not medicated although he really should be. He won’t consider it. So the only sort of semi - solution I have come up with is to hire more help. And ask almost nothing of him. Currently, he drives the kids to school once a week and that is only kid obligation other than occasional pick up or sports chauffeuring IF he happens to be free. This happens about two or three times a month.
On the weekend, I ask him to cover one game and I let him choose. I cover the other three games. (Three kids, four games per weekend)
He plays tennis four times a week, basketball once per week, and works out five days a week. He also requires a certain amount of “down time” where he watches TV.
He gets weekly massages and goes alone to the movies at least twice a month.
We have a babysitter every other Saturday night
He still complains about his lack of free time.
The only reason this works is that I work part time so can manage most everything else, and I am able to outsource a lot. In order to do all the evening driving and homework and weekend stuff, I do zero laundry cooking or cleaning. This is all outsourced.
It’s expensive ve, but cheaper than a divorce I guess.
And yes of course I have considered separating. I consider it all the time. But for now I stay.
On the weekend, I ask him to cover one game and I let him choose. I cover the other three games. (Three kids, four games per weekend)
He plays tennis four times a week, basketball once per week, and works out five days a week. He also requires a certain amount of “down time” where he watches TV.
He gets weekly massages and goes alone to the movies at least twice a month.
We have a babysitter every other Saturday night
He still complains about his lack of free time.
The only reason this works is that I work part time so can manage most everything else, and I am able to outsource a lot. In order to do all the evening driving and homework and weekend stuff, I do zero laundry cooking or cleaning. This is all outsourced.
It’s expensive ve, but cheaper than a divorce I guess.
And yes of course I have considered separating. I consider it all the time. But for now I stay.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:49
Subject: Re:DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I get grumpy as a parent when I need a break. OP, if your DH has ADHD, he probably doesn't have the executive functioning skills to figure out how to get himself a regular break. You may need to help him. What did he do to unwind before kids? When does he seem happiest? When does he connect with the kids? With you?
Is the morning slog the worst? If so, get a nanny or au pair to help with mornings and send him to the gym / to get coffee / to work early / chilling in bed / to read the news. Hiring help is so much cheaper than a divorce.
What is your job OP and DHs job & commutes?
Honestly, our jobs are busy but could be a lot worse (no big-law, etc.). Both are Feds. His commute is about 30 minutes and mine is an hour. He has to be to work by 6:00 (but gets home early) so I do drop-off and he handles pick-up. I telework 2-3 days a week so am around those days to help with the evening routine.
You have a longer commute but only have to endure it 2-3 times a week. I work early shift too, and getting to work by 6, means he is up at 430 or 5am, then picking up the kids E.V.E.R.Y day can be very draining. So you are there in the evening, and then he probably gets 'done' (as in no one asking something of him) around 8pm. So maybe he unwinds for an hour, and in bed by 9, which would feel like a very limited life.
But I suspect he stays up past 9, and the issue you are dealing with is he is overtired.
You do have quite the slog there.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:42
Subject: Re:DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Have you tried giving him a night off every week? Or one weekend month?Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I get grumpy as a parent when I need a break. OP, if your DH has ADHD, he probably doesn't have the executive functioning skills to figure out how to get himself a regular break. You may need to help him. What did he do to unwind before kids? When does he seem happiest? When does he connect with the kids? With you?
Is the morning slog the worst? If so, get a nanny or au pair to help with mornings and send him to the gym / to get coffee / to work early / chilling in bed / to read the news. Hiring help is so much cheaper than a divorce.
What is your job OP and DHs job & commutes?
Honestly, our jobs are busy but could be a lot worse (no big-law, etc.). Both are Feds. His commute is about 30 minutes and mine is an hour. He has to be to work by 6:00 (but gets home early) so I do drop-off and he handles pick-up. I telework 2-3 days a week so am around those days to help with the evening routine.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:37
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Is he also an introvert? Sometimes the stress of 24-7 children's needs and behavior is too much for an introvert to stand on a daily basis. What helps some is to have a designated down time space and time to transition from the work world to the home world. For some a commute is all that is needed, for others a "man cave" moment or workout.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:32
Subject: Re:DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I get grumpy as a parent when I need a break. OP, if your DH has ADHD, he probably doesn't have the executive functioning skills to figure out how to get himself a regular break. You may need to help him. What did he do to unwind before kids? When does he seem happiest? When does he connect with the kids? With you?
Is the morning slog the worst? If so, get a nanny or au pair to help with mornings and send him to the gym / to get coffee / to work early / chilling in bed / to read the news. Hiring help is so much cheaper than a divorce.
What is your job OP and DHs job & commutes?
Honestly, our jobs are busy but could be a lot worse (no big-law, etc.). Both are Feds. His commute is about 30 minutes and mine is an hour. He has to be to work by 6:00 (but gets home early) so I do drop-off and he handles pick-up. I telework 2-3 days a week so am around those days to help with the evening routine.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:20
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Anonymous wrote:
A bit of an aside, but why is a p***y considered weak? They're much less delicate than penises. [/quote
Well said. In OP's case, the p***y is doing all adulting in their house. The penis is just being a dick.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:12
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
This is all because we insist on being two-income families so we can have the big house and fancy cars. This is why we're all medicated.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:09
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He doesn't need meds. He needs to grow up, suck it up, man up, and deal with life. Tell him to quit being a p***y. He's a candy ass who can't face realities. Time to be a man. Let him know.
I like your attitude sir. And frankly a lot of the time this is the truth, but lord knows lots of folks won't face that reality.
+1
Back at in the day, this would be considered adulting.
A bit of an aside, but why is a p***y considered weak? They're much less delicate than penises.
Anonymous
10/22/2018 10:01
Subject: DH is completely unable to deal with the stress of everyday life/parenting
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He doesn't need meds. He needs to grow up, suck it up, man up, and deal with life. Tell him to quit being a p***y. He's a candy ass who can't face realities. Time to be a man. Let him know.
I like your attitude sir. And frankly a lot of the time this is the truth, but lord knows lots of folks won't face that reality.
+1
Back at in the day, this would be considered adulting.