Anonymous
10/16/2018 14:01
Subject: Re:Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:You are so scared of your son and so much of a people-pleaser when it comes to him (I'm sensing there are some psychological reasons but won't open that can of worms) that you can't see reality.
1. Your son is entitled because you allowed him to get that way. And you continue to strengthen that entitlement in him every single day.
2. Your other son knows what's up and will walk away from you as soon as he gets the chance. Yes, even if he seems fine, etc. You clearly favor your entitled son and your other one knows it.
What in the brief bit of info you've been given leads you to this certainty? Any advice you might have to offer is completely discredited by the hyperbole of this statement.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:57
Subject: Re:Money stress and forgetful teen
You are so scared of your son and so much of a people-pleaser when it comes to him (I'm sensing there are some psychological reasons but won't open that can of worms) that you can't see reality.
1. Your son is entitled because you allowed him to get that way. And you continue to strengthen that entitlement in him every single day.
2. Your other son knows what's up and will walk away from you as soon as he gets the chance. Yes, even if he seems fine, etc. You clearly favor your entitled son and your other one knows it.
1. Your son is entitled because you allowed him to get that way. And you continue to strengthen that entitlement in him every single day.
2. Your other son knows what's up and will walk away from you as soon as he gets the chance. Yes, even if he seems fine, etc. You clearly favor your entitled son and your other one knows it.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:32
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
I don’t know why people can’t see past the other kid. My brother is an amazing athlete. We had different needs. That doesn’t matter.
What does matter is entitlement is not an ingrained characteristic. YOU TAUGHT your son to be entitled. You need to unteach it. That’s really your sole mission here. Not to “preserve the relationship” but to send a child out into the world that isn’t a jerk to date, teach, coach, be a boss of. In the long term this will not serve him well.
What does matter is entitlement is not an ingrained characteristic. YOU TAUGHT your son to be entitled. You need to unteach it. That’s really your sole mission here. Not to “preserve the relationship” but to send a child out into the world that isn’t a jerk to date, teach, coach, be a boss of. In the long term this will not serve him well.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:24
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll thread.
I wish I were a troll. This is something I'm really struggling with.
What you are really struggling with is your own feelings of not having the financial resources to make sure you kid is a sports star and that it is likely that since you don’t have those financial resources your DS will not realize a career in the sport.
At 13, you don’t know if the career will pan out and it’s really going to be ok to let go of that dream. If your DS is that talented, someone will step in to guide you on how to get him to the next level and help you get the financial support to do it. If that’s not happening, your DS is talented just like thousands of other local kids.
And your other kid? He wants to work so by the time he is 18 he has enough to say “See ya!” And walk out the door and not look back. You treat him like like the ball and chain you are forced to tote around that keeps you from devoting more time and resources to your star child.
In a normal conversational tone, ask your other kid if you think the situation as is fair to him and then listen to his answer and don’t answer with “Thats not true! Or you don’t understand or it’s different for other DS or he is so talented that he has to do this sport
I'm not going to explain why you're wrong about DS's activity, but just know that you are wrong about a lot of this.
I get that what I'm doing isn't working. That's why I'm asking for advice.
However, I will correct your perception of my relationship with other DS. He DOES get an allowance. He often CHOOSES to spend his own money on things because he wants to- even times when I say, "Hey do you need money to cover that movie?" he'll say, "No I've got it." Other times, he's totally fine to ask me for money. I do A LOT for other DS and he does not feel slighted- yes, we've discussed it. The kids are different and they get different resources.
So they both get an allowance and then you just give lots of extra spending money and extra "you lost your metro card money" to the irresponsible one, and not the responsible one. That's still wrong. The little prince can spend his allowance and then be broke until the next allowance day. That's how kids learn how money works.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:23
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In the words of Mugatu, “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”
Do you struggle with anything, ever?
I struggle with why OP is such a doormat to her “star” son and why she is so dim that she can’t understand giving him a budget and making him stick to it. My parents HAD money growing up and I had an allowance and a budget with no sympathy or wiggle room.
I struggle with why she obviously plays favorites with her kids.
I struggle with why she posted in the first place when she doesn’t really want anyone’s advice and has a million excuses.
Actually, about 3 posters have offered practical, non-judgey information that I thought was quite helpful. Everyone else seems interested in telling me WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON. That is not helpful.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:22
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In the words of Mugatu, “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”
Do you struggle with anything, ever?
I struggle with why OP is such a doormat to her “star” son and why she is so dim that she can’t understand giving him a budget and making him stick to it. My parents HAD money growing up and I had an allowance and a budget with no sympathy or wiggle room.
I struggle with why she obviously plays favorites with her kids.
I struggle with why she posted in the first place when she doesn’t really want anyone’s advice and has a million excuses.
+1 My sister and I worked throughout high school (while playing basketball, running track, and being in band), and my brother didn't ever get a job because he had "football responsibilities."
Guess who never graduated college and didn't get a steady job until he was 33? OP you're not just screwing over the responsible kid, you're screwing the irresponsible one and yourself as well. Trick out that basement suite now; it's going to get some use.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:21
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll thread.
I wish I were a troll. This is something I'm really struggling with.
What you are really struggling with is your own feelings of not having the financial resources to make sure you kid is a sports star and that it is likely that since you don’t have those financial resources your DS will not realize a career in the sport.
At 13, you don’t know if the career will pan out and it’s really going to be ok to let go of that dream. If your DS is that talented, someone will step in to guide you on how to get him to the next level and help you get the financial support to do it. If that’s not happening, your DS is talented just like thousands of other local kids.
And your other kid? He wants to work so by the time he is 18 he has enough to say “See ya!” And walk out the door and not look back. You treat him like like the ball and chain you are forced to tote around that keeps you from devoting more time and resources to your star child.
In a normal conversational tone, ask your other kid if you think the situation as is fair to him and then listen to his answer and don’t answer with “Thats not true! Or you don’t understand or it’s different for other DS or he is so talented that he has to do this sport
I'm not going to explain why you're wrong about DS's activity, but just know that you are wrong about a lot of this.
I get that what I'm doing isn't working. That's why I'm asking for advice.
However, I will correct your perception of my relationship with other DS. He DOES get an allowance. He often CHOOSES to spend his own money on things because he wants to- even times when I say, "Hey do you need money to cover that movie?" he'll say, "No I've got it." Other times, he's totally fine to ask me for money. I do A LOT for other DS and he does not feel slighted- yes, we've discussed it. The kids are different and they get different resources.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:19
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In the words of Mugatu, “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”
Do you struggle with anything, ever?
I struggle with why OP is such a doormat to her “star” son and why she is so dim that she can’t understand giving him a budget and making him stick to it. My parents HAD money growing up and I had an allowance and a budget with no sympathy or wiggle room.
I struggle with why she obviously plays favorites with her kids.
I struggle with why she posted in the first place when she doesn’t really want anyone’s advice and has a million excuses.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 13:10
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
At least you’ll have one kid who’s responsible with money and can take care of himself. 1 out of 2 isn’t that bad. I know some families where both kids are meant to be stars and don’t have to do anything besides play soccer and ask mom and dad for more money. So yeah, look on the bright side 
Anonymous
10/16/2018 12:57
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
I'm in agreement with the allowance/set spending money idea. This is what we do with our kids.
You can set it up to automatically pay a certain amount weekly/monthly into a bank account for each child that has a debit card. That's it. That's their money and they are in charge of it.
Make a list of things you will pay for (school supplies, basic clothes/shoes, whatever) and he is on the hook for the rest of what he wants to spend/do. Kid #2 may have more discretionary income if he works for it. Kid #1 can choose to ramp down his activity if having spending $ is more important to him, but he can be in charge of that choice.
As for lunch, put the kids in charge of making their own lunches (by high school they should be doing this) and then don't worry about it anymore.
I recommend the book "How to Raise an Adult" by Julie Lythcott-Haims to everyone. I think you would find it a helpful perspective.
You can set it up to automatically pay a certain amount weekly/monthly into a bank account for each child that has a debit card. That's it. That's their money and they are in charge of it.
Make a list of things you will pay for (school supplies, basic clothes/shoes, whatever) and he is on the hook for the rest of what he wants to spend/do. Kid #2 may have more discretionary income if he works for it. Kid #1 can choose to ramp down his activity if having spending $ is more important to him, but he can be in charge of that choice.
As for lunch, put the kids in charge of making their own lunches (by high school they should be doing this) and then don't worry about it anymore.
I recommend the book "How to Raise an Adult" by Julie Lythcott-Haims to everyone. I think you would find it a helpful perspective.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 12:53
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll thread.
I wish I were a troll. This is something I'm really struggling with.
What you are really struggling with is your own feelings of not having the financial resources to make sure you kid is a sports star and that it is likely that since you don’t have those financial resources your DS will not realize a career in the sport.
At 13, you don’t know if the career will pan out and it’s really going to be ok to let go of that dream. If your DS is that talented, someone will step in to guide you on how to get him to the next level and help you get the financial support to do it. If that’s not happening, your DS is talented just like thousands of other local kids.
And your other kid? He wants to work so by the time he is 18 he has enough to say “See ya!” And walk out the door and not look back. You treat him like like the ball and chain you are forced to tote around that keeps you from devoting more time and resources to your star child.
In a normal conversational tone, ask your other kid if you think the situation as is fair to him and then listen to his answer and don’t answer with “Thats not true! Or you don’t understand or it’s different for other DS or he is so talented that he has to do this sport
Anonymous
10/16/2018 12:45
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:It's not fair, OP, that one teen has to earn his spending money, while the other is engages in an activity and still gets the same spending privileges- an extracurricular is not a job.
If the activity is that valuable, you shouldn't have have other teen work- let them do an activity too then both have to live under more stringent spending rules. *Or* the teen who has the activity doesn't get the same spending privileges, because he didn't earn the money- it was given to him.
It comes across as favoritism and entitlement. I have an exceptionally talented tween too, and we live in an area where he can bag groceries for minimum wage starting at fourteen (with stringent work restrictions). He's excited to earn his own money in the summers and for a few hours on school year weekends.
As for your question about responsibility- my tween has ADHD and we do deal with him losing things or even accidentally breaking things. $20 is lost money- and he has a bank account with Christmas and grandma money. We withdraw a portion from it for egregious, irresponsible behavior- for instance, he gets a pass, or we evaluate how easily the situation could have been avoided, then make a decision. He's had to pay for coats and water bottles he loses at school, a broken laptop screen, etc.
This, either you have the same expectations for both kids or not. You are putting one at a higher level and that's not fair to the other child. There is no reason he cannot work at least part time summers even if it is in that activity he spends so much time for. Even if he is that good there is no guarantee that will be his career.
Anonymous
10/16/2018 12:16
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:In the words of Mugatu, “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”
Do you struggle with anything, ever?
Anonymous
10/16/2018 12:02
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing and I know few people will understand this, but here it is. He IS super entitled. My behavior is going to have little impact on that. I want to preserve our relationship (and my sanity), but I don't have any illusions that putting him on a budget is going to make him less entitled (tried it).
You tried putting him on a budget once (for how long?) and didn't have immediate success so you just assume he'll be entitled forever? And you're cool with that? Then I guess you don't need our help.
If you want to change the dynamic, there are tons of sources online:
https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/narcissistic-children-and-teens-does-your-child-act-entitled/
http://understandingteenagers.com.au/blog/8-ways-to-deal-with-entitled-teenagers/
Anonymous
10/16/2018 11:59
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
In the words of Mugatu, “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!”