Anonymous
09/27/2018 07:02
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would not date any man who was stupid enough to allow his wife to be a long term SAHM who has zero skills and is unemployable. That’s the only way alimony is awarded these days.
LOL...so much for empowering feminism that brings us CHOICE. Didn't realize it was my husband who was "allowing" me to be a SAHM.
So your husband thinks you really should get back to work now that the babies are out of diapers, but you decided otherwise? I did not realize that wives are so empowered by feminism as to make major financial decisions over their husbands objection.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 06:58
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would not date any man who was stupid enough to allow his wife to be a long term SAHM who has zero skills and is unemployable. That’s the only way alimony is awarded these days.
LOL...so much for empowering feminism that brings us CHOICE. Didn't realize it was my husband who was "allowing" me to be a SAHM.
+1
PP is bitter because her DH doesn’t allow her the choice to stay home. Hence her vitriol and anger towards all SAHMs.
Not that poster but I get it. While “allow” might not be the right word, unless the SAHP is independently wealthy, the person bringing in the income has to agree that they are comfortable being the only one bringing in the income for the other person to stay at home. You can’t live off love alone and need a way to pay for food and shelter.
And there may be some truth to the bitterness but more so in imagining the future situation. Because if your are the SAHM, that may not have been an option financially if your DH was previously married and paying a lot of alimony to his ex. How would you feel going to work everyday and preferring to SAH with your children knowing that you can’t financially afford to do so as a household because your DH will be paying alimony until your joint kids are almost in high school to support his ex when his kids with her are already out of high school?
To OP, in terms of discussing details, what is your motivation in discussing the details? Are you worried that you will indirectly be taking on this amount? At a certain point, it’s similar to someone that has huge student loan payments, you accept that a financial decision they made prior to you means they have salary minus x available to contribute to the household now. Either you can accept it or you don’t. Then you have to look at adverse changes, like if he loses his job (he still has those obligations) or if you get divorced or something changes with the alimony (like she breaks the terms of the agreement or somehow lawyers need to get involved again) - can you be with this person and still somehow financially protect yourself? No everyone is a fan or a prenup or separate finances.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 06:37
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would not date any man who was stupid enough to allow his wife to be a long term SAHM who has zero skills and is unemployable. That’s the only way alimony is awarded these days.
LOL...so much for empowering feminism that brings us CHOICE. Didn't realize it was my husband who was "allowing" me to be a SAHM.
+1
PP is bitter because her DH doesn’t allow her the choice to stay home. Hence her vitriol and anger towards all SAHMs.
Not that poster but I get it. While “allow” might not be the right word, unless the SAHP is independently wealthy, the person bringing in the income has to agree that they are comfortable being the only one bringing in the income for the other person to stay at home. You can’t live off love alone and need a way to pay for food and shelter.
And there may be some truth to the bitterness but more so in imagining the future situation. Because if your are the SAHM, that may not have been an option financially if your DH was previously married and paying a lot of alimony to his ex. How would you feel going to work everyday and preferring to SAH with your children knowing that you can’t financially afford to do so as a household because your DH will be paying alimony until your joint kids are almost in high school to support his ex when his kids with her are already out of high school?
To OP, in terms of discussing details, what is your motivation in discussing the details? Are you worried that you will indirectly be taking on this amount? At a certain point, it’s similar to someone that has huge student loan payments, you accept that a financial decision they made prior to you means they have salary minus x available to contribute to the household now. Either you can accept it or you don’t. Then you have to look at adverse changes, like if he loses his job (he still has those obligations) or if you get divorced or something changes with the alimony (like she breaks the terms of the agreement or somehow lawyers need to get involved again) - can you be with this person and still somehow financially protect yourself? No everyone is a fan or a prenup or separate finances.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 02:45
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For those women, or men, that have seriously dated someone with long-term alimony payments, how did you discuss the details of the payments when considering a future joint household? From my understanding, it was a "loss of passion" or sexless relationship that lead to the divorce. It was finalized when the last kid was in their junior year of high school. I have not asked the exact amount but there over 10 years to go on the payments. He is mildly sensitive about the topic, and I do not ask many questions. I am very supportive when he vocalizes frustration.
BTW: My personal earnings are more in align with his. With the alimony payments, he makes less than I do.
I wish you happiness with your bf, OP, but I find this gross. He does not "make less than you do"--he pays his former wife money that was part of their divorce agreement. It's a standing/budgeted expense like a car payment. You wouldn't say "with his car payment, he makes less than I do."
FWIW, I am a woman who is still married to my one and only husband. But you sound like you have either never been married or do not have children or both.
They aren't married.
And if they did decide to get married, OP's (your?) objection doesn't help the situation, it only exacerbates it and will create (more) tension between the ex-wife and him and/or HIS kids and him.
She is objecting only in the sense that she's considering whether it's a good idea to get her own financial situation mixed up in that mess. Which she absolutely has the right to do, regardless of what his parasitic ex-wife or his adult children think about it.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 02:18
Subject: Re:Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
You can be in a LTR without getting married having kids and combining finances. Are you ready for that?
Anonymous
09/27/2018 02:18
Subject: Re:Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Grasping ho is disgruntled that another ho is grasping. Sad!
+1
OP has already said that she earns the same as the guy, and with him paying alimony then she would earn significantly more. So how is she "grasping"?
Because the fact that he is making less is apparently causing her to have doubts about the relationship.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 01:48
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For those women, or men, that have seriously dated someone with long-term alimony payments, how did you discuss the details of the payments when considering a future joint household? From my understanding, it was a "loss of passion" or sexless relationship that lead to the divorce. It was finalized when the last kid was in their junior year of high school. I have not asked the exact amount but there over 10 years to go on the payments. He is mildly sensitive about the topic, and I do not ask many questions. I am very supportive when he vocalizes frustration.
BTW: My personal earnings are more in align with his. With the alimony payments, he makes less than I do.
I wish you happiness with your bf, OP, but I find this gross. He does not "make less than you do"--he pays his former wife money that was part of their divorce agreement. It's a standing/budgeted expense like a car payment. You wouldn't say "with his car payment, he makes less than I do."
FWIW, I am a woman who is still married to my one and only husband. But you sound like you have either never been married or do not have children or both.
They aren't married.
And if they did decide to get married, OP's (your?) objection doesn't help the situation, it only exacerbates it and will create (more) tension between the ex-wife and him and/or HIS kids and him.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 01:38
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would not date any man who was stupid enough to allow his wife to be a long term SAHM who has zero skills and is unemployable. That’s the only way alimony is awarded these days.
LOL...so much for empowering feminism that brings us CHOICE. Didn't realize it was my husband who was "allowing" me to be a SAHM.
+1
PP is bitter because her DH doesn’t allow her the choice to stay home. Hence her vitriol and anger towards all SAHMs.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 01:22
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For those women, or men, that have seriously dated someone with long-term alimony payments, how did you discuss the details of the payments when considering a future joint household? From my understanding, it was a "loss of passion" or sexless relationship that lead to the divorce. It was finalized when the last kid was in their junior year of high school. I have not asked the exact amount but there over 10 years to go on the payments. He is mildly sensitive about the topic, and I do not ask many questions. I am very supportive when he vocalizes frustration.
BTW: My personal earnings are more in align with his. With the alimony payments, he makes less than I do.
I wish you happiness with your bf, OP, but I find this gross. He does not "make less than you do"--he pays his former wife money that was part of their divorce agreement. It's a standing/budgeted expense like a car payment. You wouldn't say "with his car payment, he makes less than I do."
FWIW, I am a woman who is still married to my one and only husband. But you sound like you have either never been married or do not have children or both.
The rest of us were able to clearly understand what OP was saying. Since some of the responses were likely to be "well he probably still brings more to the marriage than you do, so what are you complaining about" she was specifying upfront that the net effect of this situation is that she would be bringing more into the marriage, financially speaking. (Note that some idiots wrote a response along those lines even with the specification, so clearly it was important.) And for most marriages, a "standing/budgeted expense like a car payment" would be something agreed to by both people in the marriage, at least when they have combined finances. It's not "gross" for someone to object to their partner having an expense incurred prior to their relationship coming out of combined finances.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 01:13
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:I would not date any man who was stupid enough to allow his wife to be a long term SAHM who has zero skills and is unemployable. That’s the only way alimony is awarded these days.
LOL...so much for empowering feminism that brings us CHOICE. Didn't realize it was my husband who was "allowing" me to be a SAHM.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 01:08
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:For those women, or men, that have seriously dated someone with long-term alimony payments, how did you discuss the details of the payments when considering a future joint household? From my understanding, it was a "loss of passion" or sexless relationship that lead to the divorce. It was finalized when the last kid was in their junior year of high school. I have not asked the exact amount but there over 10 years to go on the payments. He is mildly sensitive about the topic, and I do not ask many questions. I am very supportive when he vocalizes frustration.
BTW: My personal earnings are more in align with his. With the alimony payments, he makes less than I do.
I wish you happiness with your bf, OP, but I find this gross. He does not "make less than you do"--he pays his former wife money that was part of their divorce agreement. It's a standing/budgeted expense like a car payment. You wouldn't say "with his car payment, he makes less than I do."
FWIW, I am a woman who is still married to my one and only husband. But you sound like you have either never been married or do not have children or both.
Anonymous
09/27/2018 00:24
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned with any guy who blames his wife on those issues and take no responsibility.
I did not say that. You did.
Read your post. He fully blamed her for the marriage failing. There is no way I'd marry my husband if he had cheated or said anything like that about his ex.
Anonymous
09/26/2018 23:51
Subject: Re:Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Grasping ho is disgruntled that another ho is grasping. Sad!
+1
OP has already said that she earns the same as the guy, and with him paying alimony then she would earn significantly more. So how is she "grasping"?
Anonymous
09/26/2018 23:50
Subject: Re:Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
What happens if you marry and combine money, and then he loses his job? Would YOU then need to pay her?
Anonymous
09/26/2018 23:41
Subject: Long-term relationship with a guy with 15 years of alimony payments
I would not date any man who was stupid enough to allow his wife to be a long term SAHM who has zero skills and is unemployable. That’s the only way alimony is awarded these days.