Do the women stay these marriages because the man is a big earner?

Thanks for the additional information. You are on the right track. Stay strong!

Lawyer

OP here. I know that this situation is not my fault but that I have allowed the behavior to continue far longer than I should have. I had convinced myself that I had sheltered the kids from his actions. It's just in the past six months that he has behaved poorly in front of them.
I do WOH, but I make 1/4th of what DH and have 4x the commute and primary responsibility for childcare and housekeeping. I need to outsource some of the housework.
I have set boundaries including no more drinking. I have clearly stated to him that any further incidences will result in his being thrown out. I have documented the major incidents in my email, and he has done this in front of family, so I do have their experiences to support me. I also am aware of the fact that they would not necessarily make statements that could hurt him.
I have been to a therapist who suggested couples therapy. DH isn't interested. I am working on my own anxiety and the reactive anger that I have as a result. I have joined a gym with childcare so that I can put more into selfcare. I am working on being the best mom that I can be. I am also doing what I can to prepare for him to fail at staying sober. I don't see the current situation as being better than being a single mom, but I do clearly recognize the financial fallout of a divorce. I am in the thick of it but trying to see clearly.
Hopefully the formatting pleases the arse who felt that my lack of paragraphs played into my husband's poor behavior.

I don't want our kids to grow up in a broken home or a dysfunctional home.

Too late. Re-read your post. I'm so happy but there is no to salvage at this point. He is an alcoholic, cheater (wait, a woman came to his hotel room twice and took off her clothes but he didn't act??! Esp given he was likely drunk? Uh, no). He is cruel, belittling and a terrible impact on your children, who can sense instability and volatility.

Maybe he will get his shit together but maybe not. Either way, I think you gave to draw your line in the sand.

I think you need to separate, and protect yourself and kids.

Anonymous wrote:Al Anon is not for everyone. You need a support system that includes a therapist and a lawyer.

+ 100

Anonymous wrote:I am not justifying it. But DW brought so much distinction to our marriage, that I began to drink a lot. My Father in law the same with my Mother in law. Also, my brother in law with DW’s sister.

We all could have handled it differently. But their lack of common sense and needy since of approval drove us crazy.

For instance, while back in big snow storm, mother in law could not decide whether to stay home or go to other daughters house. I reminded her to take her medicine and stuff. At height of storm she decides to leave. So brother in law drives 45 minutes to pick her up. When they arrive at sisters in laws home - guess what? She realized he forgot her medicine. Despite a heart condition my brother in law spent the next 24+ hours shoveling so they could get a taxi in to take her home to get her medicine.

Afterwards mother in law tells all her friends about it, because she feels loved because they worked so hard for her.

Are you drunk now?

I think you need to separate and divorce. This is a clear situation in which divorce is the best choice.

OP, I’m very sorry you find yourself in this situation, but it seems your husband is able to do and say whatever he wants with impunity and without consequence. My wife has always said you teach people how to treat you, and I would make my way only through about 10% of what you list before she’d be gone. Do you work? I’ve always felt like men with SAHWs are able to get away with far more. Regardless, I’d suggest Al-Anon and some counseling aimed at enhancing your self respect so that you are confident enough to set boundaries and create consequences for your husband. Your kids shouldn’t be exposed to this. Best of luck.

Al Anon is not for everyone. You need a support system that includes a therapist and a lawyer.

OP, I hope this doesn't come across as condescending, but FYI, don't confuse Al-Anon with Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). You absolutely need to get to an Al-Anon group. It's an organization for family members of alcoholics--not alcoholics themselves (that's who AA is for). At Al-Anon you will meet people who have been exactly where you are right now and who can help you see much more clearly than we can by posting online in a faceless forum. Search online and you will find local group meetings near you. Get a sitter or do whatever you must to get to a meeting. And sadly, you must do the same regarding a lawyer. if you feel overwhelmed, look up your nearest "women's center"-- these places help women get started navigating things like locating an attorney and planning to move out etc.

I am concerned that you seem not to see how dire the situation is in your home. He needs to move out and you need a very experienced lawyer and a lot of support. Tell your family and close friends what is going on--do not try to go it alone. Document EVERYTHING.

You need to start documenting all of this. And then you need to leave with the kids.

OP, I have dealt with this situation almost exactly. DH was a high-functioning alcoholic, and his friendship with a female coworker was clearly an EA. (BTW, if your DH’s friendship has progressed to kissing it is no longer “just” an EA.)

I started therapy. After a few months, DH decided to join me. My therapist referred him to an addiction specialist. We were both on different tracks, but clearly our therapists had the same goal. He had to stop drinking, and I had to be prepared for whatever came next. He agreed to quit for 6 months while we worked in therapy. He did that successfully, in part because he knew it was for a limited time.

I always knew that protecting the kids was my first priority, but seeing how much better their lives were when he stopped drinking was revelatory. I knew, obviously, that the whole family was suffering, but I thought I had been shielding them. I hadn’t. When DH started drinking again, I gave him one week to decide to quit. If he refused to quit, he would have to move out. I told him that I loved him but had to do what was right for the kids.

Thank God he quit. It’s been more than 10 years, and we are all doing well. A friend in a similar situation wasn’t so lucky on that front. Her DH wouldn’t quit, and she is now divorced. But she, like me, is also happier. Her kids and doing great, and she has remarried a widower who adores them. It was tough, but how much worse it would be to stay with a drunk.

Therapy for you is an essential step. You will need support for whatever happens next. Take care of yourself.

Another vote for Al-Anon. I also recommend the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drews.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to fix him, you can only fix yourself (and you are likely codependent). He has to want to change, and even if he does, the chances of an alcoholic getting and remaining sober are very low.

You may not be ready for this, but I would also see a lawyer to figure out what you can start doing to ensure he doesn't get any custody of the kids, or gets supervised visits only.

Anonymous wrote:I am not justifying it. But DW brought so much distinction to our marriage, that I began to drink a lot. My Father in law the same with my Mother in law. Also, my brother in law with DW’s sister.

We all could have handled it differently. But their lack of common sense and needy since of approval drove us crazy.

For instance, while back in big snow storm, mother in law could not decide whether to stay home or go to other daughters house. I reminded her to take her medicine and stuff. At height of storm she decides to leave. So brother in law drives 45 minutes to pick her up. When they arrive at sisters in laws home - guess what? She realized he forgot her medicine. Despite a heart condition my brother in law spent the next 24+ hours shoveling so they could get a taxi in to take her home to get her medicine.

Afterwards mother in law tells all her friends about it, because she feels loved because they worked so hard for her.

Women are not responsible for your inability to keep your sh!t together.