Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 18:09     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
OP, Now that you also have had a year to grow with her, why not seriously consider having a kid? Looks like you want her and will miss her if you break up. Think about why you don't want a kid and if they are negotiable.

The alternative is to break up with someone who you seem to have excellent chemistry with and find someone who doesn't want kids, etc and start all over again. maybe you'll never another person like your current GF..
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 17:01     Subject: Re:Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Hey OP, what’s your plan?

Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 14:50     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Please don’t make any kids with her!!!!
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 14:30     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. When we first met, I was upfront that I didn’t want want the repsonukitu of raising children. She was onboard, and said she has come to realize she wanted to remain childless. The other night I felt something had been bothering her, and she tearfully told me she realizes she wants to be a kid, but she’s afraid that will mean we won’t be together. I haven’t changed my mind. It’s tough because we just talked about getting engaged and moving in together. She’s the first woman I’ve ever felt that I could see myself spending my life with. We just work so well together, and it hurts that we will breakup. She said she doesn’t want to lose me, or make the decision, so I feel like the decision is left to me. I don’t want her to regret us, but I don’t want to lose her either. I feel I’m left to be the bad guy. I’ve never wanted kids, and I won’t change my mind, or have a child just to please her. I’m upset and don’t know what to do.


That's one kink I wouldn't be able to handle. I don't blame you for bailing.


Have you told her WHY you don't want kids? If you do that, it should help facility the breakup. This is clearly not a shared value or desired same life experience.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 12:39     Subject: Re:Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:bait and switch....

I went through the same thing except she waited until after we were married before she did the "I've changed my mind" routine.
I had previously had a vasectomy and told her about this very early in our dating. It was very clear to her and she said that was fine because she didn't want children. The bottom line is that one person has be change their mind else the only option is to break up.

You are 35 so it is easier for you to start over. I'm late 40s and I've invested 5 years into this relationship before she changed the agreement on me. It is a lot more difficult give my age and the amount of time I've invested. It is a very dishonest tactic.


Why do you assume it was a tactic and not a real change of heart, hormones can be very strong? I would think it would be a very risky tactic.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 12:31     Subject: Re:Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
bait and switch....

I went through the same thing except she waited until after we were married before she did the "I've changed my mind" routine.
I had previously had a vasectomy and told her about this very early in our dating. It was very clear to her and she said that was fine because she didn't want children. The bottom line is that one person has be change their mind else the only option is to break up.

You are 35 so it is easier for you to start over. I'm late 40s and I've invested 5 years into this relationship before she changed the agreement on me. It is a lot more difficult give my age and the amount of time I've invested. It is a very dishonest tactic.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 10:26     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? if you are 23 versus 37 then I think that makes a difference.


OP here. She’s 34 and I’m 35.


Her clock is ticking and you are both wasting your time. I ended things in a 3 year relationsip at age 35. Not over kids but bascially realzing I didnt want to have a kid with that man I was dating. Its very very hard to "start over" at that age and I wish I had been smarter and more honest with myself about the things that werent working in the relationship and ended it two years earlier. But when you love someone you constantly rationalize staying together. My story has a happy ending, married someone else at 37 and had a kid (though IVF) at 39. But if she wont pull the plug, love her enough to do it for her and let her go.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 09:25     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:End it. No one is the bad guy. It's ok for someone's perspective on kids to change, and ok for it not to. But, it means a basic incompatibility which will only lead to resentment.

End it. And don't listen even if she says she'll do without kids. She will end up resenting you. It's over


Definitely this. She may say that while secretly harboring hope that she'll ultimately be able to convince you and change your mind - or she may be lying to herself and pretending she's okay with not. But that won't last...if she wants kids, she wants kids. You have to break up


+1 This.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 09:23     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Break up with her and get a vasectomy.

How old is she, OP? If she's early 30s, a lot of women feel like they need to "play it cool" and not be upfront about the fact that they want kids and marriage because they will scare the guy off. You could have been a victim of the ol' bait and switch.

If you don't want kids, a vasectomy will send a clear message to every woman you date that you mean business. It will also prevent your girlfriends birth control from mysteriously "failing". Amazing how many birth control methods "fail" as a relationship is failing!
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 09:18     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. When we first met, I was upfront that I didn’t want want the repsonukitu of raising children. She was onboard, and said she has come to realize she wanted to remain childless. The other night I felt something had been bothering her, and she tearfully told me she realizes she wants to be a kid, but she’s afraid that will mean we won’t be together. I haven’t changed my mind. It’s tough because we just talked about getting engaged and moving in together. She’s the first woman I’ve ever felt that I could see myself spending my life with. We just work so well together, and it hurts that we will breakup. She said she doesn’t want to lose me, or make the decision, so I feel like the decision is left to me. I don’t want her to regret us, but I don’t want to lose her either. I feel I’m left to be the bad guy. I’ve never wanted kids, and I won’t change my mind, or have a child just to please her. I’m upset and don’t know what to do.


You know what to do. You just don't want to do it.

You have to break up. You need to do it sooner rather than later. There is no middle ground on this. If it was a situation where she wanted 3 kids and you wanted 1, you could find a compromise, but there is no compromise between "doesn't want to have any kids at all" and "wants any kids at all."

I think it's pretty cowardly of her to put the decision on you and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.


+1
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 08:53     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, please tell me you’ve gotten fixed.


+1

I never understand these “I 100% don’t want kids” people who never take steps in order to ensure they never have to / will have kids.


Many doctors will not do vasectomies or tubal ligations until you already had children or you're much older. The assumptions is that you will eventually change your mind.


This is a lame excuse. Because it’s hard to find a doctor doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I trust that accessing an organization like Planned Parenthood would result in finding an appropriate clinician pretty quickly.

I’m assuming OP decided a long time ago he didn’t want kids, so under that assumption, he’s had YEARS to find a clinician who would give him a vasectomy.

But wait.. it’s supposed to be up to the woman not to “get” pregnant, because it’s not what HE wants.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 08:25     Subject: Re:Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Get a vasectomy. A doctor will do this, esp since they are reversible and medicine tends to be more patronizing about women's choices rather than men's.

Now, I'm sorry to say, but you two need to break up. This is the biggest issue of non compatibility--no compromising--that there is. Kids are life changing in every way and you sound set, as does she. And I agree her feeling will only get stronger. She may try to convince herself she doesn't want them, but she will resent it--and then she'll be 38 and realizing its too late.

Its a wake up call for her and too bad for you, but there are people out there. You should probably date older women for a while who either truly know they don't want kids or the ship has sailed.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 08:19     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, please tell me you’ve gotten fixed.


+1

I never understand these “I 100% don’t want kids” people who never take steps in order to ensure they never have to / will have kids.


Many doctors will not do vasectomies or tubal ligations until you already had children or you're much older. The assumptions is that you will eventually change your mind.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 08:10     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
Anonymous wrote:OP, please tell me you’ve gotten fixed.


+1

I never understand these “I 100% don’t want kids” people who never take steps in order to ensure they never have to / will have kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/06/2018 01:42     Subject: Girlfriend Now Wnats Kids..
OP, please tell me you’ve gotten fixed.