Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't like it because it lays clear that your "decent" sex life isn't satisfying him. Right now you two are dancing around that trust with him nudging you toward improving/increasing your sex life and you studiously not getting the hint.

You assume she is the one that needs improvement.

I am sure if he was better at it, it would be more than "decent".

DCUM Rule #1 -- any problem with the sex life in any marriage is always entirely the man's fault.

or all the woman's fault.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he is passive aggressively telling you that you don't dress sexy enough.

you don't know the meaning of passive aggressive, do you? he's being pretty straight up and direct of what he finds appealing to him/his desires, without being mean or cruel about it or without trying to shame OP.

I am pretty sure that making hints, leaving lingerie out, etc is not being straight up. Talking is straight up, what he is doing is literally telling her she is not being sexy enough, without saying she is not being sexy enough.

It would be like her saying... wow 15 in a 30 would be nice, leaving books on how to give a good massage on his side of the bed. It's indirect communications, which is passive.

+1 Pretty obviously passive aggressive to me. I can't even imagine my DH or I leaving out clothes we expect the other to wear because we don't approve of what we generally wear. There's a particular piece of clothing my DH used to wear that I couldn't stand, and I told him that I didn't like it and why. Hinting that he should buy other clothes or leaving something out on the bed would have been the definition of passive aggressive!

If OP isn't sexy enough for her DH and he's tempted to stray or whatever then that's on him, he shouldn't have married her expecting to be able to change her. The ONLY thing that could change things is if she WAS always wearing a certain style of clothing and then changed recently. But even then, he should just be direct - she used to wear this, he really liked it, now she doesn't, is there a reason why because he really misses it for whatever reason. And it should of course be her choice.

Exactly.

My H will be shopping, take a picture of something and say "I think you would look pretty in this, do you like it, i'll buy it".. I will say... sure love it or no... the straps are weird, or it looks too tight, or I look terrible in pale yellow. See... that is not passive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:buy him the yellow borat swimsuit and tell him how sexy it is.

but he sounds fun and playful, whether you buy some wares or not. go with it!

NP. Haha, I actually second the Borat suit or something similar for him, like handcuffs or chaps or something. LOL. Dose of his own medicine! Tit for tat, no pun intended! But yes, I’d also try to accommodate.

Yeah nothing's going to improve your relationship like mocking your husband when he wants to have sex with you.

Oh yes, because you sound like you have a good sense of humor and are pleasant in bed.

Thank God I'm not married to an unpleasant harpy with your "sense of humor" then.

It’s unfortunate, this tendency of yours to get butt hurt when the tables are turned. Your wife must be thrilled by your snowflake sensitivities.

Your husband must be thrilled by your unfortunate tendency to retreat into stupid, vicious cliches when you are challenged.

I think it is being indirect. He's uncomfortable straight to saying he'd like to see you in sexy lingerie. But you know what he wants. Why not accommodate his desire? It isn't difficult, demeaning, or expensive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't like it because it lays clear that your "decent" sex life isn't satisfying him. Right now you two are dancing around that trust with him nudging you toward improving/increasing your sex life and you studiously not getting the hint.

You assume she is the one that needs improvement.

I am sure if he was better at it, it would be more than "decent".

DCUM Rule #1 -- any problem with the sex life in any marriage is always entirely the man's fault.

A year from now, OP will be back here wondering why her husband lost interest in her and retreated into porn and masturbation. Sad!

Op here - Lots of food for thought here and I truly appreciate the comments! I actually think it is both passive aggressive AND trying not to be mean, if that makes sense. I don’t think he wants to hurt my feelings. Do we have an absolutely phenomenally fulfilling sex life? No. We also both work full-time and have young kids etc. etc. I would say our sex life is better than that of 75% of my friends’ obviously not knowing all the details.

My thought process in posting this was really to try to figure out what it is about at that bothers me. I think the guy who posted earlier sort of hit the nail on the head. It’s something I was going to do anyway... I feel like he is in some way telling me that our current sex life is not enough.. I did makes me feel cheap and controlled, like something you would do to a hooker.

I think a good solution is probably for me to get some stuff that I feel sexy in that could spice things up, but also for me to tell him directly that I do not like him beating around the bush (no pun intended, bwahaha) when it comes to this stuff.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if he were more direct, it would come across as mean, which he doesn't want to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he is passive aggressively telling you that you don't dress sexy enough.

you don't know the meaning of passive aggressive, do you? he's being pretty straight up and direct of what he finds appealing to him/his desires, without being mean or cruel about it or without trying to shame OP.

I am pretty sure that making hints, leaving lingerie out, etc is not being straight up. Talking is straight up, what he is doing is literally telling her she is not being sexy enough, without saying she is not being sexy enough.

It would be like her saying... wow 15 in a 30 would be nice, leaving books on how to give a good massage on his side of the bed. It's indirect communications, which is passive.

+1 Pretty obviously passive aggressive to me. I can't even imagine my DH or I leaving out clothes we expect the other to wear because we don't approve of what we generally wear. There's a particular piece of clothing my DH used to wear that I couldn't stand, and I told him that I didn't like it and why. Hinting that he should buy other clothes or leaving something out on the bed would have been the definition of passive aggressive!

If OP isn't sexy enough for her DH and he's tempted to stray or whatever then that's on him, he shouldn't have married her expecting to be able to change her. The ONLY thing that could change things is if she WAS always wearing a certain style of clothing and then changed recently. But even then, he should just be direct - she used to wear this, he really liked it, now she doesn't, is there a reason why because he really misses it for whatever reason. And it should of course be her choice.

When we were dating, my now DH told me that he loved the fact that I wore “fancy” underwear. You better believe I have continued to wear pretty, lacy undergarments for the past 20 years!

I really don’t understand why OP can’t bend a little for the sake of her marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he is passive aggressively telling you that you don't dress sexy enough.

you don't know the meaning of passive aggressive, do you? he's being pretty straight up and direct of what he finds appealing to him/his desires, without being mean or cruel about it or without trying to shame OP.

I am pretty sure that making hints, leaving lingerie out, etc is not being straight up. Talking is straight up, what he is doing is literally telling her she is not being sexy enough, without saying she is not being sexy enough.

It would be like her saying... wow 15 in a 30 would be nice, leaving books on how to give a good massage on his side of the bed. It's indirect communications, which is passive.

Anonymous wrote:He's also left lingerie from my drawer out for me to wear in bed before - like if I'm in the shower or something - and I'm not a fan of him doing that either, but can't pinpoint why.

Ummm because it's controlling?

Anonymous wrote:I think you don't like it because it lays clear that your "decent" sex life isn't satisfying him. Right now you two are dancing around that trust with him nudging you toward improving/increasing your sex life and you studiously not getting the hint.

You assume she is the one that needs improvement.

I am sure if he was better at it, it would be more than "decent".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because he is passive aggressively telling you that you don't dress sexy enough.

I don't know that I agree. I think he's fairly directly telling her that he would like it if she wore lingerie.

No, it is not direct. He is making comments, leaving hints... that is not directly talking.

I think it is sweet.