Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard, very hard. With my mil things got better over time but my fil doesn’t even hide that he feels I am low class, stupid etc. He only recently started interacting with me (in a very cold way) to get access to my dc. I want to cry when I see him but for the peace of the family I try to keep a courteous facade. Sigh.

You don't have an IL problem. You have a DH problem. It is unacceptable for your FIL to show his disdain for you.

DP here. I disagree. Let FIL show his true colors. His legacy will be "petulant child who could not get along with those who mattered most".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may not, but don’t let it get to you. Think of them as acquaintances to whom you need to be respectful and polite. You don’t need them to like you. I can understand your disappointment. I can understand you wanting this, but it’s a nice to have not a need to have.

Sitting out family events seems petty, childish, and rude. You need to set a good example.

Letting people treat you poorly is not setting a good example.

This. Silence gives consent. You don't have to make a fuss, but you also don't need to stick around to put up with it.

+1

Definitely this, OP. Send DH to see them. Maybe they will get the hint, maybe not, but that won't matter so much when you have your peace.

When my MIL died I had absolutely no feelings at her funeral. I felt like ding dong the witch is dead.

Anonymous wrote:I don't deal with them any more. Neither does my DH at this point. They said some things that can't be unsaid and we're just done.

+1

This times a million. OP, your IL's are not your family. If they choose to be warm, welcoming, decent and fair (by most standards, not just theirs) - then they are doing the right thing, showing class and respect for themselves. If they don't respect themselves, they can't respect you. So, that is not your problem, that is theirs - and it was their problem LONG before you came along. Besides, MIL is old enough to know better and her job (by definition) is to set a positive example. If you MIL is immature or petulant, that is on her. You owe her nothing.

PPs are right, your family is your DH and your children. In no way do you marry the family. If you had known MILs true colors, you probably would never have married DH, which is probably what a controlling MIL would want. Don't give her what she wants.

I don't deal with them, my DH does. After five years I just realized that no matter how nice I tried to be they weren't going to change. The sad part is that they don't seem to care that their son has children. My parents love my DH and he is much closer to them then he is to his own parents. We are only a few months away from the holidays and my DH has not raised the subject of visiting his parents this year.

Anonymous wrote:I echo the advice to let it go. It was hard for me as well in the beginning, but I quickly understood that it was not me, it was her. She mistreats her own children and since I drew boundaries for how she treated me and my children, she did not like that one bit. I am and have always been civil and kind, but firm. As a result of her own actions, she does not have the kind of relationship with my kids or even her son that she would otherwise. I don't keep them from her and we attend family events, but we are not close. My parents live out of state and my kids feel closer to my parents than to her who lives 10 miles away. I feel sorry for her actually. I think she needed therapy years ago and never sought it.

This is my situation, word for word, down to where my parents and ils live. They recently held a family meeting, with my dh present, to discuss all the ways I've wronged them. I have literally gray rocked since before I even knew that was a thing. My sil actually admitted that the only reason she hates me is because I "took" her "best friend and father figure" from her. First if all, my sil and dh are only 11 months apart and her father and step father dote on her like she's the Queen of Sheba and they always have.

I'm done with it all and do not care. As others have said, it is so liberating to release your emotional well-being from people who aren't nice and don't care about you.

Why don't they like you?