Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we have a disagreement, after stating her position my wife retreats into ignore me mode.

I have tried explaining the problem with this approach but, well, see above (she ignores me then too).

Not surprisingly this has led to other problems in the marriage.

From where I'm standing divorce is the only option if I don't want a wife who ignores me.

This partially a vent, partially a hail Mary pass to see if there's something I'm overlooking, partially I'm bored at work.

I think this is the problem. DW states her position, and does not allow DH to state his opinion. Which, I don't think it is abusive, is not the way you should be communicating.

DH is trying to explain to his wife that in order to have a healthy relationship, BOTH parties should be allowed to state their opinions, they come to a middle ground or at least an agreement. The DW is essentially making unilateral decisions, not respecting the DH's opinions, thoughts, or feelings... and just ignores him.

How would you feel if your significant other simply said... this is what I think and this conversation is OVER! Think about it... because that is essentially what the DW is doing. She's not asking for time to think. She is not asking to cool off... She is simply saying, this is how it is and you will say nothing further about this. That has to be tiring as hell to OP.

He's the one bringing up getting a new car, so he has already stated his opinion. She says she disagrees. He wants to talk about how (1) she's wrong, and (2) also, she's disagreeing incorrectly; she doesn't continue to engage. Not the same thing as never letting him voice an opinion.

OP here. I'll repeat what I said earlier: I might be open to her way of thinking, but I would want us to arrive at that conclusion TOGETHER. For example, maybe she doesn't want to buy a new car now, but is thinking we could buy one in 5 years (cars don't last forever). So maybe after discussing together we would compromise and agree to buy a new car in 3 years. Neither party would be getting exactly what they want, but no one would feel their opinion doesn't count. But in order to get to the 3 year compromise some discussion is necessary. She refuses to discuss the topic at all. This car scenario is hypothetical, by the way, but illustrative of the dynamics. between us.

The details of the real disagreements do matter. If it's a two-year-old car, she might think the idea of replacing it so soon is too ridiculous to debate and that's why she's not engaging. If it's a 12-year-old car, then she's being a bit ridiculous not wanting to even have a conversation about replacement plans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we have a disagreement, after stating her position my wife retreats into ignore me mode.

I have tried explaining the problem with this approach but, well, see above (she ignores me then too).

Not surprisingly this has led to other problems in the marriage.

From where I'm standing divorce is the only option if I don't want a wife who ignores me.

This partially a vent, partially a hail Mary pass to see if there's something I'm overlooking, partially I'm bored at work.

I think this is the problem. DW states her position, and does not allow DH to state his opinion. Which, I don't think it is abusive, is not the way you should be communicating.

DH is trying to explain to his wife that in order to have a healthy relationship, BOTH parties should be allowed to state their opinions, they come to a middle ground or at least an agreement. The DW is essentially making unilateral decisions, not respecting the DH's opinions, thoughts, or feelings... and just ignores him.

How would you feel if your significant other simply said... this is what I think and this conversation is OVER! Think about it... because that is essentially what the DW is doing. She's not asking for time to think. She is not asking to cool off... She is simply saying, this is how it is and you will say nothing further about this. That has to be tiring as hell to OP.

He's the one bringing up getting a new car, so he has already stated his opinion. She says she disagrees. He wants to talk about how (1) she's wrong, and (2) also, she's disagreeing incorrectly; she doesn't continue to engage. Not the same thing as never letting him voice an opinion.

OP here. I'll repeat what I said earlier: I might be open to her way of thinking, but I would want us to arrive at that conclusion TOGETHER. For example, maybe she doesn't want to buy a new car now, but is thinking we could buy one in 5 years (cars don't last forever). So maybe after discussing together we would compromise and agree to buy a new car in 3 years. Neither party would be getting exactly what they want, but no one would feel their opinion doesn't count. But in order to get to the 3 year compromise some discussion is necessary. She refuses to discuss the topic at all. This car scenario is hypothetical, by the way, but illustrative of the dynamics. between us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we have a disagreement, after stating her position my wife retreats into ignore me mode.

I have tried explaining the problem with this approach but, well, see above (she ignores me then too).

Not surprisingly this has led to other problems in the marriage.

From where I'm standing divorce is the only option if I don't want a wife who ignores me.

This partially a vent, partially a hail Mary pass to see if there's something I'm overlooking, partially I'm bored at work.

I think this is the problem. DW states her position, and does not allow DH to state his opinion. Which, I don't think it is abusive, is not the way you should be communicating.

DH is trying to explain to his wife that in order to have a healthy relationship, BOTH parties should be allowed to state their opinions, they come to a middle ground or at least an agreement. The DW is essentially making unilateral decisions, not respecting the DH's opinions, thoughts, or feelings... and just ignores him.

How would you feel if your significant other simply said... this is what I think and this conversation is OVER! Think about it... because that is essentially what the DW is doing. She's not asking for time to think. She is not asking to cool off... She is simply saying, this is how it is and you will say nothing further about this. That has to be tiring as hell to OP.

He's the one bringing up getting a new car, so he has already stated his opinion. She says she disagrees. He wants to talk about how (1) she's wrong, and (2) also, she's disagreeing incorrectly; she doesn't continue to engage. Not the same thing as never letting him voice an opinion.

Yep he wants his way and to keep arguing.

She's the smart one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about asking her to go to counseling?
How often do you fight? how long does she ignore you for?

It's not always necessarily a fight, just a disagreement. For example (this is made up but indicative), I might say we should buy a new car because the maintenance is too high. She would say she doesn't want to buy a new car because she doesn't want a car note. For her, the conversation stops there.

Whereas, I would want us to compare maintenance costs vs. a new car note, discuss leasing as an option, discuss when she might be open to having a car note, etc.
I wouldn't say we were initially arguing, just disagreeing. I might even be open to changing my mind.

I agree with the marriage counseling suggestion. There's no way for us to know from this hypothetical what's going on, it could be that this is simply how she handles conflict and her ignoring you a fundamental problem with her willingness to hear different opinions, seek compromises, not have total control over decisions, etc. But it also could be that you're the one who's overly controlling and unyielding, and she's learned that the only way to avoid being browbeaten for having a different opinion is to simply not engage.

I don't give the cold shoulder, but I give my reasoning and go quiet. DH LOVES to argue and it's not my style. I'd rather walk away and give the issue some room to breathe and both sides time to think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we have a disagreement, after stating her position my wife retreats into ignore me mode.

I have tried explaining the problem with this approach but, well, see above (she ignores me then too).

Not surprisingly this has led to other problems in the marriage.

From where I'm standing divorce is the only option if I don't want a wife who ignores me.

This partially a vent, partially a hail Mary pass to see if there's something I'm overlooking, partially I'm bored at work.

I think this is the problem. DW states her position, and does not allow DH to state his opinion. Which, I don't think it is abusive, is not the way you should be communicating.

DH is trying to explain to his wife that in order to have a healthy relationship, BOTH parties should be allowed to state their opinions, they come to a middle ground or at least an agreement. The DW is essentially making unilateral decisions, not respecting the DH's opinions, thoughts, or feelings... and just ignores him.

How would you feel if your significant other simply said... this is what I think and this conversation is OVER! Think about it... because that is essentially what the DW is doing. She's not asking for time to think. She is not asking to cool off... She is simply saying, this is how it is and you will say nothing further about this. That has to be tiring as hell to OP.

He's the one bringing up getting a new car, so he has already stated his opinion. She says she disagrees. He wants to talk about how (1) she's wrong, and (2) also, she's disagreeing incorrectly; she doesn't continue to engage. Not the same thing as never letting him voice an opinion.

OP wants to argue and continue fighting. She smartly shuts it down.

I've had friends whose spouses divorced them because they want to whine, argue and come out the winner.

OP left the facts out. It's more often with women, but men do it too. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree, not everything can be resolved.

Anonymous wrote:When we have a disagreement, after stating her position my wife retreats into ignore me mode.

I have tried explaining the problem with this approach but, well, see above (she ignores me then too).

Not surprisingly this has led to other problems in the marriage.

From where I'm standing divorce is the only option if I don't want a wife who ignores me.

This partially a vent, partially a hail Mary pass to see if there's something I'm overlooking, partially I'm bored at work.

I think this is the problem. DW states her position, and does not allow DH to state his opinion. Which, I don't think it is abusive, is not the way you should be communicating.

DH is trying to explain to his wife that in order to have a healthy relationship, BOTH parties should be allowed to state their opinions, they come to a middle ground or at least an agreement. The DW is essentially making unilateral decisions, not respecting the DH's opinions, thoughts, or feelings... and just ignores him.

How would you feel if your significant other simply said... this is what I think and this conversation is OVER! Think about it... because that is essentially what the DW is doing. She's not asking for time to think. She is not asking to cool off... She is simply saying, this is how it is and you will say nothing further about this. That has to be tiring as hell to OP.

Is the wife really giving your the silent treatment--that is, does she refuse to talk to you about ANYTHING, including saying "good morning" or "pass the salt"? Or does she just not talk about the subject of the discussion? Those are very different scenarios. The silent treatment is immature and abusive and I would handle that in a totally different way.

I'd say the wife is too overwhelmed, angry, or emotional to discuss it or feels attacked. If you feel ignored, try stating your feelings. Once you validate each other's feelings, the fight starts to get better. If people keep going back to their gripes, it escalates again. If she always avoids you, ask her when is a good time to talk for 3 minutes.

There is a difference between taking a break from discussion and the silent treatment. The silent treatment impacts everything. It is abusive. You cant even tell your spouse hello, the spouse usualkybgices a bitter, surly look. Not discussing a topic is something else.

If I want a new car and have the funds to pay for it then there is no discussion. The discussion comes when me buying a new car impacts the funds i can contribute to the household and the overall household budget.

you both need to learn how to resolve big and small conflicts.

this is a conflict resolution problem.

work on resolving conflicts in an effective way, without name called. at the end of that, if one of you is just so terrible about it, the other person needs to accept that and do all the conflict resolution individually, or accept that and divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I guess I don't agree that letting your partner know you need time and space to cool off = silent treatment. If a woman (or a man) does it to punish their spouse or freeze them out, that's one thing. But if either spouse needs a few hours or a day to gather their thoughts before sitting down to have a calm conversation, I fail to see how that's abuse. Can you explain?

if one of them needs time to cool off, then the mature and appropriate thing to do is to actually communicate that. hmm, don't you think that is better than the silent treatment?

It doesn't sound like the wife just randomly gets mad and starts ignoring OP. It sounds more like OP proposes something, the wife says no, and OP persists in trying to explain his side and negotiate when the wife isn't willing to do so. They need to find a middle ground and may not be able to do so without counseling.

The silent treatment is for children. It’s fine to tell your spouse you are stepping back, need a break, need to cool off etc, I’m that way myself. But to just go silent and ignore? I wouldn’t live with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the silent treatment shows a lack of maturity and is abusive.

x a million. any woman who says otherwise is full of BS (just consider the responses if the genders were reversed.....)

I guess I don't agree that letting your partner know you need time and space to cool off = silent treatment. If a woman (or a man) does it to punish their spouse or freeze them out, that's one thing. But if either spouse needs a few hours or a day to gather their thoughts before sitting down to have a calm conversation, I fail to see how that's abuse. Can you explain?

The two are very different and the non-silent party knows the difference. For example, my mother refuses to talk to me for days. She has a scowl on her face the entire time to let you know that she is NOT happy. It creates all kinds of negative/stressful energy. She drops it as soon as she gets her way.

That's totally different from what PP are saying, and even different from the example OP gave. I would agree that such a situation is abusive because your mother was using her silence to pressure you and punish you, not to cool off from a disagreement.

I usually tell my husband, "look, we're not getting anywhere. Let's just drop it for now and talk tomorrow/after work/etc". It's still really hard for him to just stop the conversation because he likes to have it out right then and there, but he knows I'm not just ignoring him.

in your scenario, PP, you've actually communicated and your DH is being obtuse (at best) in trying to force the conversation. But in the situation that OP has described, his DW is not communicating anything and is just behaving all pissy and giving him the silent treatment.