Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband might be acting like a jerk, but I'm in his situation in my marriage, and boy, it is freaking hard. As in, we don't have kids and I don't know if we are going to make it hard. Because, yes, he's in treatment and has been for awhile now, but there were a lot of years when he wasn't and that did some damage. And, now, even with treatment, he is just not available for me as an emotional support. His issues ALWAYS come first because while I am capable of just sucking things up and moving on, he is not. And, it is just wearing and literally impacts every area of our married life. I would give just about anything to have a spouse I could count on to take care of me and pay attention to what I need like I do for him, just for a little while.

THAT is one of the biggest problems in dealing with an adult with these kinds of never ending issues. Their problems become all consuming and then you feel like you don't have anyone to turn to with your own issues. If she can't even handle her own, she sure isn't capable, or even interested in helping me with mine. It sucks the life out oa a realtionship and gets really exhausting.

Is there any part of this relationship that is not about you?

Anonymous wrote:

Many men, do not understand the true complexities of mental illness.

Many _people_ don’t understand mental illness. Also, many people can’t unceasingly tolerate a mentally ill spouse. If the guy isn’t giving 110% supporting his wife, there’s a problem. Expecting someone to give 110% with no end in sight is naive, however. Have reasonable expectations.

Yeah I think this is the issue more than understanding mental illness.

Being a caretaker is TOUGH. Added to that, being dutiful and standing by your spouse through thick and thin isn't a virtue that is taught or emphasized much anymore so people's ability to cope with adverse circumstances in marriage are underdeveloped.

We're all taught to chase our own happiness and bliss no matter the cost to others. It's his one life too and it sounds like he doesn't want to spend it with a mentally ill spouse. Sucks for OP but them's the breaks.

It's her choice whether she stays and accepts his inability to cope or not.

But if she does, it's not realistic for her to expect him to support her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it strikes me that if you work really hard to give him the "normal" version of you that he is clearly desperately seeking, you may find yourself half way back to where you want to be. I know this sounds simplistic but its based on the premise of "fake it till you make it".

Years ago I found myself in a deep depression and honestly this method was the only thing that saved me (and my long term relationship at the time).

This is sound advice. You do nobody any good (especially yourself) by constantly focusing on your anxiety. What you focus on, you will get. If you focus on "I'm going to be happy dammit!" it will happen.

Oh bullshit. It takes more than happy thoughts to fix some people.

Nobody is saying that you just have to think happy thoughts and you are magically cured.

What the PP and I are trying to get across is that it is actually detrimental to focus on your anxiety/depression by talking about it (unless you are with a therapist). You get what you focus on.

The PP is living proof of that.

But if you have had success at getting other people to make your anxiety/depression go away then please do share.

Maybe look for a support group to join?

It sounds like you just can't use him as your support OP. Whether you choose to stay with him anyway and accept his limitations is your choice.

I also have a spouse with bad anxiety. It’s exhausting to deal with and has killed our marriage. I sucked it up for years but I’m just so tired of constantly being yelled at and blamed for everything, then 10 minutes later getting an apology with the excuse of “my anxiety”. At this point I don’t even want an apology because I know it’s going to happen again the next day (but if I don’t accept an apology, his anxiety gets worse and he blows up). I’ve had to become dismissive to protect my own sanity, and everyone sees me as a very cold, distant wife, but if I didn’t do it I’d go crazy.

What kills me is he CAN control himself. He’s very high functioning at work, and everyone would be shocked to hear he has a problem. He knows that if he behaved at work the way he does at home, he’d be fired. But since I’m his spouse, I’m expected to just take it. The one person who I feel is on my side is our marriage counselor, who flat out told me I need to divorce him because he’s not going change.

Try to treat your husband with the same kindness and empathy you expect from him. You’re not the only one struggling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it strikes me that if you work really hard to give him the "normal" version of you that he is clearly desperately seeking, you may find yourself half way back to where you want to be. I know this sounds simplistic but its based on the premise of "fake it till you make it".

Years ago I found myself in a deep depression and honestly this method was the only thing that saved me (and my long term relationship at the time).

This is sound advice. You do nobody any good (especially yourself) by constantly focusing on your anxiety. What you focus on, you will get. If you focus on "I'm going to be happy dammit!" it will happen.

Oh bullshit. It takes more than happy thoughts to fix some people.

Anonymous wrote:OP it strikes me that if you work really hard to give him the "normal" version of you that he is clearly desperately seeking, you may find yourself half way back to where you want to be. I know this sounds simplistic but its based on the premise of "fake it till you make it".

Years ago I found myself in a deep depression and honestly this method was the only thing that saved me (and my long term relationship at the time).

This is sound advice. You do nobody any good (especially yourself) by constantly focusing on your anxiety. What you focus on, you will get. If you focus on "I'm going to be happy dammit!" it will happen.

Many men, do not understand the true complexities of mental illness.

Many _people_ don’t understand mental illness. Also, many people can’t unceasingly tolerate a mentally ill spouse. If the guy isn’t giving 110% supporting his wife, there’s a problem. Expecting someone to give 110% with no end in sight is naive, however. Have reasonable expectations.

Anonymous wrote:Ask your counselors for advice on how to deal with your DH. They might even want to speak with him.

Agree, I will let a health care professional talk with him.
Give what you wrote here to the counselor.

Anonymous wrote:Many men, do not understand the true complexities of mental illness.

Some think one can simply “snap out of it” or sit in the sunshine while taking vitamins.

What your husband needs to do is LEARN about mental illness.
He needs to learn that it IS an actual disease that takes place in the body and that it is not a personal choice.

Perhaps have him read a good book that explains all this to him so that he can be offered some clarity on this.

I strongly doubt that your husband is intentionally trying to be mean or inconsiderate of your situation .
He may just be uneducated about mental illness.

Come on. Many women don't either. It's not a man thing it's a people thing. Nobody gets "educated" about mental illness until they find out the hard way.

What's even more fun is that people with mental illness also have to be educated about mental illness, because they do not believe they have a mental illness. They refuse therapy and medication. Or they quit taking their medicine when they decide they're "better".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many men, do not understand the true complexities of mental illness.

Some think one can simply “snap out of it” or sit in the sunshine while taking vitamins.

What your husband needs to do is LEARN about mental illness.
He needs to learn that it IS an actual disease that takes place in the body and that it is not a personal choice.

Perhaps have him read a good book that explains all this to him so that he can be offered some clarity on this.

I strongly doubt that your husband is intentionally trying to be mean or inconsiderate of your situation .
He may just be uneducated about mental illness.

Perhaps he didn’t actually want to be someone’s in-house psychiatrist. Sounds like it.

+1. You can understand mental illness and be an expert but understanding mental illness does not make it any easier to live with Day in and day out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many men, do not understand the true complexities of mental illness.

Some think one can simply “snap out of it” or sit in the sunshine while taking vitamins.

What your husband needs to do is LEARN about mental illness.
He needs to learn that it IS an actual disease that takes place in the body and that it is not a personal choice.

Perhaps have him read a good book that explains all this to him so that he can be offered some clarity on this.

I strongly doubt that your husband is intentionally trying to be mean or inconsiderate of your situation .
He may just be uneducated about mental illness.

Perhaps he didn’t actually want to be someone’s in-house psychiatrist. Sounds like it.

And he should not be. If soccer registration is too hard for OP, I wonder if OP downplays the severity of the mental issues and her husband is doing the best he can aka not leaving the marriage.

We were in a similar position until DH developed anxiety issues of his own. Now he gets it, and is a lot more sympathetic and a lot more helpful when I’m having a rough time. Even so, though, we each sometimes get impatient with the other — this stuff is hard.

Anonymous wrote:Many men, do not understand the true complexities of mental illness.

Some think one can simply “snap out of it” or sit in the sunshine while taking vitamins.

What your husband needs to do is LEARN about mental illness.
He needs to learn that it IS an actual disease that takes place in the body and that it is not a personal choice.

Perhaps have him read a good book that explains all this to him so that he can be offered some clarity on this.

I strongly doubt that your husband is intentionally trying to be mean or inconsiderate of your situation .
He may just be uneducated about mental illness.

Perhaps he didn’t actually want to be someone’s in-house psychiatrist. Sounds like it.