Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 22:59     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.


Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

I so disagree. Even my five year old says “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
She spent a close amount on each gift. It’s hard to buy something personal for someone you don’t know as well. Once you’re adults, you need to stop counting “fairness” and let it go. Life isn’t fair.



Life isn't fair. But, we are talking about family. Family relationships are filled with emotional pitfalls. If you don't keep things equal, someone will always feel hurt. You may not want to accept that or even care about it. Fine. But your relationships with these people with nonetheless be affected.

That stupid nonsense about getting what you get and don't get upset is what we tell kids to keep the whining down, but its not really true. I highly doubt you walk through your adult life passively accepting whatever the universe sends your way. I mean, if your coworker makes 30K more than you for the same job, do you just get what you get and not get upset? Right, no.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 22:40     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.


Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

How equal do you need to keep things? I just don’t even see how you do this in extended families. I could never live tit for tat. SIL2 also got a surprise party and gift...that seems fairly equal to me. It’s not as if no one acknowledged SIL2’s birthday while making a huge fuss over SIL1. I think SIL2 is quite petty to complain about her party and gifts.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 22:03     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of surprised by the hate here for OP. I think your response was harsh, but you were probably also put on the defensive. I’m on team OP. SIL2 brought it up and it’s out of line.
Did SIL2 help plan SIL1’s party? Have you turned a milestone birthday yet and what did SIL2 do for it?
I have two SILs that are very close. They grew up in the same home town and were in school from elementary to high school together. They live a couple hours apart. On the other hand, I grew up in a different state and live a plane ride away now. They are super close. It is what it is. Unless she’s tried to be friends and not been accepted, she needs to get over it. She can’t have a reasonable expectation of being as close if she turns down or does not extend invitations. That’s friendships 101.



SIL2 brought it up quietly, and it seems, in private. In a family, among people who are supposed to be kind and care about eachother, that's allowed. You don't even have to agree about every element of what did or didn't happen, but you get to bring stuff up.

OP could have said "I'm sorry we hurt your feelings - that wasn't our intent. If feeling excluded is the issue, let's talk about how to fix that because it sn't our intent."

Instead she threw a tanty.

Please never use “tanty” again.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:49     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
She shouldn't have brought it up in the first place, but you reacted poorly (You told her that she's not the center of the universe and walked away? Really?). Apologize and be cognizant of the fact that she's sensitive to these types of things going forward.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:45     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of surprised by the hate here for OP. I think your response was harsh, but you were probably also put on the defensive. I’m on team OP. SIL2 brought it up and it’s out of line.
Did SIL2 help plan SIL1’s party? Have you turned a milestone birthday yet and what did SIL2 do for it?
I have two SILs that are very close. They grew up in the same home town and were in school from elementary to high school together. They live a couple hours apart. On the other hand, I grew up in a different state and live a plane ride away now. They are super close. It is what it is. Unless she’s tried to be friends and not been accepted, she needs to get over it. She can’t have a reasonable expectation of being as close if she turns down or does not extend invitations. That’s friendships 101.



SIL2 brought it up quietly, and it seems, in private. In a family, among people who are supposed to be kind and care about eachother, that's allowed. You don't even have to agree about every element of what did or didn't happen, but you get to bring stuff up.

OP could have said "I'm sorry we hurt your feelings - that wasn't our intent. If feeling excluded is the issue, let's talk about how to fix that because it sn't our intent."

Instead she threw a tanty.

I don’t see it that way. If I had spent a lot of effort putting on a nice party and then someone complained to me I didn’t do enough for them and they had put little effort into our relationship? Yeah I would be defensive. That’s not the time or place to bring it up immediately following the party. Wait a couple weeks until the glow has worn off and then bring it up if you are trying to complain quietly without making waves. I am sure as it was, it really put a damper on the op’s party success.
SIL2 is the drama queen IMO.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:36     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.


Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

I so disagree. Even my five year old says “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
She spent a close amount on each gift. It’s hard to buy something personal for someone you don’t know as well. Once you’re adults, you need to stop counting “fairness” and let it go. Life isn’t fair.


That phrase is used when handing kids things of relatively equal enjoyment or thought and is arbitrary in distribution. Like cutting up the bday cake and someone gets the flower and someone doesn’t, but you both get cake. Or there are two flavors of juice boxes, but everyone gets gets one. Bet your 5 year old would sing a different tune if her sister always got thoughtful, personal gifts from you on her birthday and she was always handed a gift card to a random store.

Don’t be deliberately obtuse.

Or say when you both get presents of fairly equal value, but you don’t feel enough thought was put into yours because you don’t spend time with the gifter. Like that? Grown adults should not get bent out of shape about birthday gifts.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:32     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:I’m kind of surprised by the hate here for OP. I think your response was harsh, but you were probably also put on the defensive. I’m on team OP. SIL2 brought it up and it’s out of line.
Did SIL2 help plan SIL1’s party? Have you turned a milestone birthday yet and what did SIL2 do for it?
I have two SILs that are very close. They grew up in the same home town and were in school from elementary to high school together. They live a couple hours apart. On the other hand, I grew up in a different state and live a plane ride away now. They are super close. It is what it is. Unless she’s tried to be friends and not been accepted, she needs to get over it. She can’t have a reasonable expectation of being as close if she turns down or does not extend invitations. That’s friendships 101.



SIL2 brought it up quietly, and it seems, in private. In a family, among people who are supposed to be kind and care about eachother, that's allowed. You don't even have to agree about every element of what did or didn't happen, but you get to bring stuff up.

OP could have said "I'm sorry we hurt your feelings - that wasn't our intent. If feeling excluded is the issue, let's talk about how to fix that because it sn't our intent."

Instead she threw a tanty.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:32     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:No conversation was ever helped by "get over yourself" followed by someone storming out of the room.

SIL2 expressed that she feels left out, and that her feelings were hurt. You responded like a child.



Yup. And now you know why she turns down invitations from you, OP. You are a drama queen.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:31     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.


Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

I so disagree. Even my five year old says “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
She spent a close amount on each gift. It’s hard to buy something personal for someone you don’t know as well. Once you’re adults, you need to stop counting “fairness” and let it go. Life isn’t fair.


That phrase is used when handing kids things of relatively equal enjoyment or thought and is arbitrary in distribution. Like cutting up the bday cake and someone gets the flower and someone doesn’t, but you both get cake. Or there are two flavors of juice boxes, but everyone gets gets one. Bet your 5 year old would sing a different tune if her sister always got thoughtful, personal gifts from you on her birthday and she was always handed a gift card to a random store.

Don’t be deliberately obtuse.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:29     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
No conversation was ever helped by "get over yourself" followed by someone storming out of the room.

SIL2 expressed that she feels left out, and that her feelings were hurt. You responded like a child.

Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:25     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It was kind of obnoxious to show that sort of over the top favoritism. You can’t blame her for pointing out the truth.


Yup, agreed. Always keep things equal in families. Always. You didn’t and this is what you get - hurt feelings.

Op, you sound like the dramatic one here.

I so disagree. Even my five year old says “you get what you get and you don’t get upset.”
She spent a close amount on each gift. It’s hard to buy something personal for someone you don’t know as well. Once you’re adults, you need to stop counting “fairness” and let it go. Life isn’t fair.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:21     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
I’m kind of surprised by the hate here for OP. I think your response was harsh, but you were probably also put on the defensive. I’m on team OP. SIL2 brought it up and it’s out of line.
Did SIL2 help plan SIL1’s party? Have you turned a milestone birthday yet and what did SIL2 do for it?
I have two SILs that are very close. They grew up in the same home town and were in school from elementary to high school together. They live a couple hours apart. On the other hand, I grew up in a different state and live a plane ride away now. They are super close. It is what it is. Unless she’s tried to be friends and not been accepted, she needs to get over it. She can’t have a reasonable expectation of being as close if she turns down or does not extend invitations. That’s friendships 101.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 20:12     Subject: Re:SIL is being very self centered
OP, how did the topic of the party come up? We're you talking about it to her? If that was the case then I get it. If she brought it up on her own then she is immature. She doesn't feed the relationship. What did she expect? This should stay between the two of you and not involve the remaining family. Continue to be cordial and extend an invitation to things. It looks like your family is more accepting of your other sister in law because of her personality, you have to remember they are both outsiders.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 19:21     Subject: SIL is being very self centered
Stop gaslighting OP.
Anonymous
Post 08/13/2018 19:20     Subject: Re:SIL is being very self centered
Wow. You SIL is 'self-centered' because she noted how differently you treat her. By your account, she seemed reasonable - although, clearly, the topic was uncomfortable for you because you erupted. I can see why she limits her time with you. I would expect her and your brother to scale back even further. You were a real bitch and demonstrated her feelings are irrelevant to you. Why would she want her or her kids to spend any more time with you than necessary?