Why doesn't he take the financial hit (flights + hotel) and stay home (with the gf)?

I had a friendship just like yours—we were coworkers and socialized outside of work and kept in touch when I moved away. Never anything romantic—just no physical chemistry and I was already with DH so we would all socialize. I came back to DC to visit and met up with my old friend and his newish girlfriend for breakfast while DH had a work meeting. She was so clingy with him you could tell she felt threatened by me somehow just because I was another female in his orbit. Sounds like this woman may be the same way.

So you’re in a lose-lose situation—either you say no to her joining you and you’re the bad guy or she comes and makes the trip awkward and you pretty much have to treat it like you’re traveling alone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

This is what I was thinking too, she hasn't met you and doesn't know the dynamic so if you say no she'll feel even more threatened. I think inviting her along is a good chance to show here there's nothing to worry about.... But the real question is if he's that good of a friend and you really have no interest, why don't you want to get to know his girlfriend? To be honest you don't sound happy that he has a gf, so you should examine your true feelings. In my single days when I would hang out with my couple friends I rarely felt like a 3rd wheel, so don't go into it with those expectations

+1 my reaction as well.

Go on the trip, but expect to do some things alone. FWIW, my DH is working a weird schedule for the next 6 weeks and I’m taking a trip to Boston and NOLA by myself. I’m greatly looking forward to some time to adventure the way I prefer.

F these two! Go on your trip solo, they can have the airbnb, you book your own accommodations and do your own thing!! Or change your ticket dates for $250 and go another week because these two sound like clowns and for sure it's going to be a couples trip.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

This is what I was thinking too, she hasn't met you and doesn't know the dynamic so if you say no she'll feel even more threatened. I think inviting her along is a good chance to show here there's nothing to worry about.... But the real question is if he's that good of a friend and you really have no interest, why don't you want to get to know his girlfriend? To be honest you don't sound happy that he has a gf, so you should examine your true feelings. In my single days when I would hang out with my couple friends I rarely felt like a 3rd wheel, so don't go into it with those expectations

I disagree with this. A trip with two friends who have frequently traveled together is nothing like going on vacation with a new couple. OP is bummed because its a bucket list trip that she has already sunk money into that is becoming a pretty different kind of trip not that he has a new GF.

I am VERY picky about who I travel with, some people are just impossible. So first problem is GF being a total unknown in that regard. Second is not knowing how they are as a couple, some people change a lot when dating. Are they gonna be inseparable? Making out in line for the Sistine Chapel? All impossible to know before diving in. Maybe GF is super cool and it would be great but the reality is that the dynamics will change significantly if she comes along. OP can be upset about that without pining after OP's friend.

I have had people I've never met come on pre-planned trips before, and people drop out of planned trips too- but since they were trips I really wanted to do I still went and had a great time. It's all about attitude, and just because you go to a destination with someone doesn't mean you're glued to their hip 24/7. OP - how about you meet the gf before the trip? Try to make friends with her too, since she's dating your good friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

This is what I was thinking too, she hasn't met you and doesn't know the dynamic so if you say no she'll feel even more threatened. I think inviting her along is a good chance to show here there's nothing to worry about.... But the real question is if he's that good of a friend and you really have no interest, why don't you want to get to know his girlfriend? To be honest you don't sound happy that he has a gf, so you should examine your true feelings. In my single days when I would hang out with my couple friends I rarely felt like a 3rd wheel, so don't go into it with those expectations

OP here. There would be way too much to unpack here about why I have no interested in screwing or dating my friend, but you'll have to trust me when I say that I don't. And won't. Ever. If we wanted to do that, we would have done it sometime in the last four years.

I'm happy that he's met someone, because he's more than slightly co-dependent and has been super, super depressed about being single last several years. Happy guy friend is way more fun than sad, depressed guy friend. I'm also happy to get to know her, if for no other reason than I want her to be comfortable with us being friends. It would be an extra awesome bonus is she's awesome and I can make a new friend out of it.

I guess the concern is I don't want to have to get to know her on a week-long vacation, and I think that seems fair. She doesn't live here...she lives an hour and a half flight away and they are long distance. There isn't really a chance for me to get to know here. She is visiting this week and I think we are planning to get HH all together before she leaves, but that would be the only chance I have to meet her before this trip would happen.

Sigh. It seems there really is no good solution now that he's put this out there. I'm really not a big solo travel person, but seems like unless I want to miss out on this trip, I may have to become one. Definitely not what I was envisioning for this adventure.

I would either find an additional friend and become a foursome,
Offer to allow GF to take your place and bow out,
Or do what another poster said - fly to the location but stay elsewhere/do your own thing/just meet for a dinner or two. Have GF partially buy you out. Bring a friend of your own or not.

I think any one of those solutions works well. If you bow out, dream location will still exist in a month or a year, yes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

This is what I was thinking too, she hasn't met you and doesn't know the dynamic so if you say no she'll feel even more threatened. I think inviting her along is a good chance to show here there's nothing to worry about.... But the real question is if he's that good of a friend and you really have no interest, why don't you want to get to know his girlfriend? To be honest you don't sound happy that he has a gf, so you should examine your true feelings. In my single days when I would hang out with my couple friends I rarely felt like a 3rd wheel, so don't go into it with those expectations

I disagree with this. A trip with two friends who have frequently traveled together is nothing like going on vacation with a new couple. OP is bummed because its a bucket list trip that she has already sunk money into that is becoming a pretty different kind of trip not that he has a new GF.

I am VERY picky about who I travel with, some people are just impossible. So first problem is GF being a total unknown in that regard. Second is not knowing how they are as a couple, some people change a lot when dating. Are they gonna be inseparable? Making out in line for the Sistine Chapel? All impossible to know before diving in. Maybe GF is super cool and it would be great but the reality is that the dynamics will change significantly if she comes along. OP can be upset about that without pining after OP's friend.

Anonymous wrote:If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

This is what I was thinking too, she hasn't met you and doesn't know the dynamic so if you say no she'll feel even more threatened. I think inviting her along is a good chance to show here there's nothing to worry about.... But the real question is if he's that good of a friend and you really have no interest, why don't you want to get to know his girlfriend? To be honest you don't sound happy that he has a gf, so you should examine your true feelings. In my single days when I would hang out with my couple friends I rarely felt like a 3rd wheel, so don't go into it with those expectations

I would just go with the two of them, since you'll have your own room anyway. If he's a good friend, it would be unlikely for her to be totally uncool. And, you can do some stuff with them and more stuff on your own.

I had this exact situation (awhile back now as both me and the friend are now married ... him to the woman that came on our trip). Friend and I were destination wedding buddies, he ended up wanting new gf to be wedding guest. So, we all hung out a lot and then I got an extra hotel room and gave them space too. It was a blast (I met my own fling on the trip).

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

If you tell him she can’t come it will immediately look like you’re trying to f^%* him. Say goodbye to your friendship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP. Thanks for everyone's responses. I am a woman, which I understand makes the dynamics of all of this difficult. And I completely understand new GF's feeling a little weird about this...to an extent. I guess part of me feels that this trip was planned before she was even a thing, and while that sucks and makes this awkward, if you trust my friend (which she 100% should), sometimes you just have to suck up being uncomfortable for a week. Should they stay together, we obviously won't be planning a trip like this again. It was just crappy timing how it all worked out. And I really don't want her to be uncomfortable. I'm no threat to her at all. But, ugh.

We have 2bd AirBNBs for the trip, so no sharing rooms or anything like that. No way. I've thought about asking him to buy me out of the trip if she is going, but honestly, I really, really wanted to go on this trip. It was my idea and a bucket list place for me. I'll be upset to not go. But I also don't want to go and have a terrible time. I'm considering telling him that its not OK for her to come, but I know that she will hate me forever and will send our friendship on a faster decline that I know it already is given this new woman in his life.

I don't think you can tell him not to bring her, but you can say that you will be planning as many activities as possible solo so that you spend as little time with them as possible. She might be a great person, but being a third wheel sucks.

I agree, the way you described it seems like he could just buy her a plane tix and they stay together. I would still go, but plan my own activities and then meet up with them for a few of them.

+1 to this - definitely don't miss your trip because of this. Just go and plan to do most things without them. (They will probably either be having sex or fighting through most of the trip anyway, given the details you have provided.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP. Thanks for everyone's responses. I am a woman, which I understand makes the dynamics of all of this difficult. And I completely understand new GF's feeling a little weird about this...to an extent. I guess part of me feels that this trip was planned before she was even a thing, and while that sucks and makes this awkward, if you trust my friend (which she 100% should), sometimes you just have to suck up being uncomfortable for a week. Should they stay together, we obviously won't be planning a trip like this again. It was just crappy timing how it all worked out. And I really don't want her to be uncomfortable. I'm no threat to her at all. But, ugh.

We have 2bd AirBNBs for the trip, so no sharing rooms or anything like that. No way. I've thought about asking him to buy me out of the trip if she is going, but honestly, I really, really wanted to go on this trip. It was my idea and a bucket list place for me. I'll be upset to not go. But I also don't want to go and have a terrible time. I'm considering telling him that its not OK for her to come, but I know that she will hate me forever and will send our friendship on a faster decline that I know it already is given this new woman in his life.

I don't think you can tell him not to bring her, but you can say that you will be planning as many activities as possible solo so that you spend as little time with them as possible. She might be a great person, but being a third wheel sucks.

I agree, the way you described it seems like he could just buy her a plane tix and they stay together. I would still go, but plan my own activities and then meet up with them for a few of them.

+1 I don't know if you've ever tried it OP but travelling alone can be super fun actually. Some of the best traveling experiences of my life were on my own. You can really get to know a place in a different way by kind of living in it. I would say,

"Hey Danny I've been thinking about this a lot. This is a tough situation. I totally understand why Sarah might feel a little weird about this. I really want to be the good wingman here but going on a trip I've been dreaming about as a third wheel seems pretty unappealing. I've been trying to think of some good solutions but I'm not quite sure anything is going to make all of us perfectly happy. I am not going to say she can't come because that would be kind of unfair, but if she does come I think I will try to branch off solo for the trip and maybe we can just plan a group dinner. I have really been looking forward to this and don't want to feel resentful when it turns out to be a really different trip. And that isn't any knock on Sarah but you know, a two friend trip is just not the same as a couple + friend trip. I hope I can get to know Sarah more so she feels more comfortable with me in the future!"

I think if you kind of put it all out there honestly like that then he will understand that bringing her would be a D move. He is really the one who has to decide not to do this. He might still bring her but you won't be the bad guy and you'll have the freedom to strike out on your own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP. Thanks for everyone's responses. I am a woman, which I understand makes the dynamics of all of this difficult. And I completely understand new GF's feeling a little weird about this...to an extent. I guess part of me feels that this trip was planned before she was even a thing, and while that sucks and makes this awkward, if you trust my friend (which she 100% should), sometimes you just have to suck up being uncomfortable for a week. Should they stay together, we obviously won't be planning a trip like this again. It was just crappy timing how it all worked out. And I really don't want her to be uncomfortable. I'm no threat to her at all. But, ugh.

We have 2bd AirBNBs for the trip, so no sharing rooms or anything like that. No way. I've thought about asking him to buy me out of the trip if she is going, but honestly, I really, really wanted to go on this trip. It was my idea and a bucket list place for me. I'll be upset to not go. But I also don't want to go and have a terrible time. I'm considering telling him that its not OK for her to come, but I know that she will hate me forever and will send our friendship on a faster decline that I know it already is given this new woman in his life.

I don't think you can tell him not to bring her, but you can say that you will be planning as many activities as possible solo so that you spend as little time with them as possible. She might be a great person, but being a third wheel sucks.

I agree, the way you described it seems like he could just buy her a plane tix and they stay together. I would still go, but plan my own activities and then meet up with them for a few of them.

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP. Thanks for everyone's responses. I am a woman, which I understand makes the dynamics of all of this difficult. And I completely understand new GF's feeling a little weird about this...to an extent. I guess part of me feels that this trip was planned before she was even a thing, and while that sucks and makes this awkward, if you trust my friend (which she 100% should), sometimes you just have to suck up being uncomfortable for a week. Should they stay together, we obviously won't be planning a trip like this again. It was just crappy timing how it all worked out. And I really don't want her to be uncomfortable. I'm no threat to her at all. But, ugh.

We have 2bd AirBNBs for the trip, so no sharing rooms or anything like that. No way. I've thought about asking him to buy me out of the trip if she is going, but honestly, I really, really wanted to go on this trip. It was my idea and a bucket list place for me. I'll be upset to not go. But I also don't want to go and have a terrible time. I'm considering telling him that its not OK for her to come, but I know that she will hate me forever and will send our friendship on a faster decline that I know it already is given this new woman in his life.

Given that Air BnB situation, i think you should tell him that they options are either trip as planned or she replace you on the trip and you get reimbursed for any lodging costs you've already incurred. OR you think of another friend who might want to go with you and stay in the AirBnB and then he can bow out.

For the flights, assuming he has the GF switch with you, I say you still go to that location and just book a different hotel or go to a different area or something. It would be so awkward to share a 2BR apartment with a couple when you don't know the new GF.