Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 15:22     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She is not dead yet, so take a deep breath and realize that she might change her mind thousand times more. This just makes you look money grabbing, and like you are trying to take the money for yourself. Have your mom talk to her about seeing a lawyer and how to ensure no none can touch the money. And if this really happens with the relative and all, hope for the best, as you have no control over any of it, and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, oh well. You sounds as difficult as your aunt, honestly.


Sorry, how do I look money grubbing? Did you read my post? I want her to leave it to someone else and to leave me and my kids alone. I’ve told her this. We are frankly and luckily not in need of it as we have successful high paying careers that we like and have lived within our means. We least of all need it with the circumstances attached to it. I’ve gone so far as to talk to my estate planning attorney to find out if there’s some way to prevent her from leaving it to my kids.

If you are quite wealthy as it is, then why even worry about this at all? If your kids are like any rich kids in the DMV, trust me they will be spoiled and entitled no matter what. It sounded in your OP like if she doesn't leave you in charge of it, then you don't want it. Hence my conclusion.


Goodness - that wasn’t my intention at all. My first preference is that she leave it to one of her other nephews or great nephews. My second preference is that if she leaves it to my kids, it be in some sort of responsible way, not a pile of cash at 18. As for who manages it, l am uncomfortable with the distant cousin for all of the reasons the poster above identifies and because I don’t know him at all much less his money management experience. I’d rather a third party fiduciary if she’s not comfortable with me. But again I’m not at all saying put me in charge or else.

The whole thing makes me really uncomfortable for reasons I guess I can’t really explain. It all just feels wrong. I don’t like her. I don’t think she’s a good person. It feels strange for my kids to be getting money from someone I really have problems with. And I don’t understand why she is fixated on me and my kids. She has other nephews and nieces. They haven’t spoken to her in decades because of her antics, but I don’t talk to her at this point either and she’s made clear she doesn’t approve of me. So why?

As for us being wealthy. We are well off but this is a different order of magnitude. Moreover, though I hear you about this area, that’s not how we live or are raising our kids. We live modestly. I’m something of an environmental nut so we really limit the needless consumption and buying of stuff. Live in a smallish place and a simple lifestyle. The money is security not for luxury and consumption. That’s how we hope to raise our kids. This obviously would through a wrench in it possibly. I don’t know.

Maybe I am worrying too much. Again the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. I just don’t like it. It feels wrong.


Hmmm. OP, I wonder if she is manipulating everyone? You seem estranged/distant from mrs tof your family - the distant cousin with three kids of his own. How do you know this aunt isn't also telling distant cousin his kids will get all the money and you will be the trustee?

At this point, given what you've said, I don't think you can trust anything. Aunt sounds like she is getting exactly the reaction she wants - flustering and upsetting you. So you really have no idea on several levels what is really going on here. So my advice is not to worry about it. She wants you to jump and kowtow to her. Don't jump. Don't do anything - oh really? THat's so nice of you. Drop it entirely. She's got you playing her game. Stop playing and maybe she'll stop.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 15:02     Subject: Re:Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Me and my siblings all got around 150 to 200k gifted in stocks to us over the years while we were growing up. It was always in a custodial account with my mom on it. Over the years, she sold various amount to pay for our colleges (this was the express intent of the gift), and we never really thought that we had any control over it. She always just told us that she would give us control when we got married or turned 35 (something like that). Turns out, we had complete control since we were 18, but she just wanted to make sure we didn't waste it. When I was around 25, I asked if I could sell some and put it into a Roth IRA and she just said "oh, you have your head on straight, you can do whatever you want, you've been able to do anything you want with it since you were 18."
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:57     Subject: Re:Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:I inherited a lot when I turned 18. My father offered to manage it for me. Relieved, I said, "Okay!" and skipped off into the sunset. He set me up with a monthly allowance for the first year, and paid for college for me. Then the second year he gave me a a semester allowance, then a yearly allowance.


This would have been me too. I trusted my parents WAY more than I did myself at that age. If they said "we're going to manage this for you, please sign here to allow that" I wouldn't have batted an eye. It would not have even occurred to me to do anything different at 18 because I still felt like a kid! Also my parents are trustworthy and I knew that.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:53     Subject: Re:Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
When my parents died I was able to disclaim my inheritance and have it go directly to my kids with each receiving around $500,000. They are all married young adults with their heads nicely screwed on so I had no fear they were going to blow it and they haven't. If they had been screw ups I never would have done it. At some point they will inherit a lot from us, likely far more than they could imagine, and that could change their lives but hopefully it's many years away at which point they have their own nest eggs. We are very generous with our annual gifts to them and their children (including 529 plans) so it's not like we are not sharing in the bounty.

I have a brother who has four adult children one of whom has had his struggles. For that one he has set up a trust that will pay out a fair amount each year so he can't blow the whole thing while the others will receive their inheritance in a lump sum.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:33     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the hand-wringing here.

Old Auntie: "Honey, I'm going to leave all my money to your kids, but because I don't really trust you or like you all that much, I'm going to put your Uncle Billy in charge of it. You remember Uncle Billy, right?"

OP: "Oh, yes, Auntie. How very thoughtful of you. Can I get you some more tea?"

End of story.

I've handled a number of estate issues for elderly relatives.
Frankly, in my experience, ANY attempt by you to direct her actions or explain why it might make sense to do things differently will be seen as (pick a word - manipulative, money-grubbing, fraudulent, jealousy, etc.). It's just the way it goes.


Excellent advice. Just be appreciative of the thought and say/do nothing until it actually comes to pass. You are making yourself anxious today for nothing and feeding into your aunt’s need to manipulate other people’s lives.


I agree with these posters. You can't control your relative anyway, and you don't need or want to be dragged into these unhealthy and unpleasant dynamics. It's her money to do with as she sees fit, and whatever she decides may or may not match what you know today. So don't waste energy on things you can't control.

That said, do spend energy on teaching your kids how to manage money and think long-term. Do keep in mind that a decade+ from now there may be a need for them to be far more level-headed about money that the typical 18 year old. Remember that you have a decade+ to plan for this inheritance (if it happens) so probably by the time your kids are nearing 18 you will know whether or not this money is going to come their way. And if it is you will have LOTS of time to talk with them about what will happen when they are 18, what you will set up for them to manage the money well, how you will support them, how they should be thinking long-term, etc... You can teach your kids. You can line up professionals to meet with them to talk about managing money. You can position them to invest wisely and not touch principal, etc... You can get professional advice yourself if/when you know that this possibility has become a reality.

In other words, there is a lot you can do to prepare your kids to use the money wisely if they are lucky enough to receive it. Don't let your emotions about your family cloud the very manageable challenge of handling money well. You can figure that out and help your kids with it. It doesn't have to be a nightmare.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 07:54     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just step way and do not engage. Remove the possibility of this person to pull strings or manipulate with the money. Say “whatever you think is best” if at all confronted with this again. Raise your children well and with financial literacy. Maybe it’ll happen and maybe it won’t. Worry about t when she’s gone and the trust is set up and then talk to a financial advisor or counselor as to how to bring it up with our kids etc.


This is great advice, OP. Maybe your relative will leave your kids money, and maybe not. She sounds very manipulative and spiteful, so don't be surprised if she leaves it to someone else if she feels slighted by you, for real or imaginary slights. I've seen how destructive last minute will changes and other manipulative moves for large sums of money ($50M+) and (20M+) have been in my family.

Just move forward with your life as if your kids aren't getting it, and don't let this relative attach strings to your relationship. Raise your kids to support themselves, then if they get this money they'll be financially responsible. Save for your kids' college so you're not dependent on this relative. The happiest people in my family have ignored this money and don't give in to the whims of the controlling people who have it. The ones who keep hanging on and letting others manipulate them like a marionette are desperate, aren't able to support themselves, and lead generally miserable lives.

Good luck OP, and I'm sorry you're experiencing these issues. It's so destructive and can put a cloud over your whole life if you let it.


As someone with a terrible relative who tries to use money to control people, I could not agree more with both PPs. Seriously, dont engage with your aunt about this at all.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 07:29     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
OP, just go about your life and let this unfold as it does. If your children are in the will, the estate atty will talk you you and you will have some rights. At that point, just hire a really good lawyer.

In the meanwhile, don't waste worry on this. If you think saving for college is stupid in these circumstances, set up Roth IRAs which have more flexibility.

I've been in a somewhat similar (only sorta) situation with crazy relatives of means and "gifts". I agree with the earlier poster who said nothing good will come of discussing this or guiding their choices toward the sensible.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 07:00     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She is not dead yet, so take a deep breath and realize that she might change her mind thousand times more. This just makes you look money grabbing, and like you are trying to take the money for yourself. Have your mom talk to her about seeing a lawyer and how to ensure no none can touch the money. And if this really happens with the relative and all, hope for the best, as you have no control over any of it, and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, oh well. You sounds as difficult as your aunt, honestly.


Sorry, how do I look money grubbing? Did you read my post? I want her to leave it to someone else and to leave me and my kids alone. I’ve told her this. We are frankly and luckily not in need of it as we have successful high paying careers that we like and have lived within our means. We least of all need it with the circumstances attached to it. I’ve gone so far as to talk to my estate planning attorney to find out if there’s some way to prevent her from leaving it to my kids.

If you are quite wealthy as it is, then why even worry about this at all? If your kids are like any rich kids in the DMV, trust me they will be spoiled and entitled no matter what. It sounded in your OP like if she doesn't leave you in charge of it, then you don't want it. Hence my conclusion.


Goodness - that wasn’t my intention at all. My first preference is that she leave it to one of her other nephews or great nephews. My second preference is that if she leaves it to my kids, it be in some sort of responsible way, not a pile of cash at 18. As for who manages it, l am uncomfortable with the distant cousin for all of the reasons the poster above identifies and because I don’t know him at all much less his money management experience. I’d rather a third party fiduciary if she’s not comfortable with me. But again I’m not at all saying put me in charge or else.

The whole thing makes me really uncomfortable for reasons I guess I can’t really explain. It all just feels wrong. I don’t like her. I don’t think she’s a good person. It feels strange for my kids to be getting money from someone I really have problems with. And I don’t understand why she is fixated on me and my kids. She has other nephews and nieces. They haven’t spoken to her in decades because of her antics, but I don’t talk to her at this point either and she’s made clear she doesn’t approve of me. So why?

As for us being wealthy. We are well off but this is a different order of magnitude. Moreover, though I hear you about this area, that’s not how we live or are raising our kids. We live modestly. I’m something of an environmental nut so we really limit the needless consumption and buying of stuff. Live in a smallish place and a simple lifestyle. The money is security not for luxury and consumption. That’s how we hope to raise our kids. This obviously would through a wrench in it possibly. I don’t know.

Maybe I am worrying too much. Again the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. I just don’t like it. It feels wrong.


Thank you for explaining. Maybe try to see it that sometimes good things happen to good people(your kids) and that good can come from some bad? She can't be 100% bad, your mom is her friend and sister still after all, and this is her doing something for your mom who seems to have been the only person there for her. Sure, she is doing it in a weird way. So, maybe relax and don't worry about it until you have something to worry about? Truly, it is a blessing in more ways than it is a burden. Good luck either way.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 20:36     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She is not dead yet, so take a deep breath and realize that she might change her mind thousand times more. This just makes you look money grabbing, and like you are trying to take the money for yourself. Have your mom talk to her about seeing a lawyer and how to ensure no none can touch the money. And if this really happens with the relative and all, hope for the best, as you have no control over any of it, and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, oh well. You sounds as difficult as your aunt, honestly.


Sorry, how do I look money grubbing? Did you read my post? I want her to leave it to someone else and to leave me and my kids alone. I’ve told her this. We are frankly and luckily not in need of it as we have successful high paying careers that we like and have lived within our means. We least of all need it with the circumstances attached to it. I’ve gone so far as to talk to my estate planning attorney to find out if there’s some way to prevent her from leaving it to my kids.

If you are quite wealthy as it is, then why even worry about this at all? If your kids are like any rich kids in the DMV, trust me they will be spoiled and entitled no matter what. It sounded in your OP like if she doesn't leave you in charge of it, then you don't want it. Hence my conclusion.


Goodness - that wasn’t my intention at all. My first preference is that she leave it to one of her other nephews or great nephews. My second preference is that if she leaves it to my kids, it be in some sort of responsible way, not a pile of cash at 18. As for who manages it, l am uncomfortable with the distant cousin for all of the reasons the poster above identifies and because I don’t know him at all much less his money management experience. I’d rather a third party fiduciary if she’s not comfortable with me. But again I’m not at all saying put me in charge or else.

The whole thing makes me really uncomfortable for reasons I guess I can’t really explain. It all just feels wrong. I don’t like her. I don’t think she’s a good person. It feels strange for my kids to be getting money from someone I really have problems with. And I don’t understand why she is fixated on me and my kids. She has other nephews and nieces. They haven’t spoken to her in decades because of her antics, but I don’t talk to her at this point either and she’s made clear she doesn’t approve of me. So why?

As for us being wealthy. We are well off but this is a different order of magnitude. Moreover, though I hear you about this area, that’s not how we live or are raising our kids. We live modestly. I’m something of an environmental nut so we really limit the needless consumption and buying of stuff. Live in a smallish place and a simple lifestyle. The money is security not for luxury and consumption. That’s how we hope to raise our kids. This obviously would through a wrench in it possibly. I don’t know.

Maybe I am worrying too much. Again the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. I just don’t like it. It feels wrong.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 17:56     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:I will start by saying that I know this is in the category of first world problems and that I should be grateful for this, so please, I am well aware of that but still very concerned and wondering what others have done in similar situations.

To greatly simplify - I have an elderly relative who I would wager money has a severe personality disorder. She is impossible to deal with and has alienated the entire family. She never married. She and my mother are sisters and are enmeshed - for lack of a better word. For this reason, trying to maintain a relationship with my mother has meant having some contact with elderly relative.

Elderly relative wants to leave large sum of money to my children. Originally she had drawn up a document that placed another distant relative - who neither she nor I communicate with - as custodian of the money until my children turned 18 - at which point my children were to gain unrestricted access to it. ...


OP wrote originally. So what is the current will if any? Was this conversation and speculation or a real will that was changed to something else? Does she have other sibs and nieces/nephews, whatever? Was the custodian and/or his offspring also a beneficiary? Who wants to manage millions for kids when those kids have normal parents/guardians and you get nothing from that relative? Let the old bat do want she wants and this is so weird OP could end up custodian /executor whatever for millions and OP/kids get nothing. Recuse from that. For all OP has written that potential custodian relative appears to be getting squat and would recuse anyway. I would.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 14:10     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She is not dead yet, so take a deep breath and realize that she might change her mind thousand times more. This just makes you look money grabbing, and like you are trying to take the money for yourself. Have your mom talk to her about seeing a lawyer and how to ensure no none can touch the money. And if this really happens with the relative and all, hope for the best, as you have no control over any of it, and if it happens it happens and if it doesn't, oh well. You sounds as difficult as your aunt, honestly.


Sorry, how do I look money grubbing? Did you read my post? I want her to leave it to someone else and to leave me and my kids alone. I’ve told her this. We are frankly and luckily not in need of it as we have successful high paying careers that we like and have lived within our means. We least of all need it with the circumstances attached to it. I’ve gone so far as to talk to my estate planning attorney to find out if there’s some way to prevent her from leaving it to my kids.

If you are quite wealthy as it is, then why even worry about this at all? If your kids are like any rich kids in the DMV, trust me they will be spoiled and entitled no matter what. It sounded in your OP like if she doesn't leave you in charge of it, then you don't want it. Hence my conclusion.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 13:56     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
My children inherited 2/3 of a house. It was a nightmare legally when we looked into selling it. The house is currently rented out and the profit goes into a trust for the younger child. The older one is an adult and pays her car payment and other small expenses with her share. I agree a big payout is not suitable for a young adult unless he or she has a specific need for a sudden lum sum.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 12:16     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:I don't get all the hand-wringing here.

Old Auntie: "Honey, I'm going to leave all my money to your kids, but because I don't really trust you or like you all that much, I'm going to put your Uncle Billy in charge of it. You remember Uncle Billy, right?"

OP: "Oh, yes, Auntie. How very thoughtful of you. Can I get you some more tea?"

End of story.

I've handled a number of estate issues for elderly relatives.
Frankly, in my experience, ANY attempt by you to direct her actions or explain why it might make sense to do things differently will be seen as (pick a word - manipulative, money-grubbing, fraudulent, jealousy, etc.). It's just the way it goes.


Excellent advice. Just be appreciative of the thought and say/do nothing until it actually comes to pass. You are making yourself anxious today for nothing and feeding into your aunt’s need to manipulate other people’s lives.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 10:07     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:On the 95% chance your kids turn out well (it sounds like you're a very thoughtful and invested parent so strong odds that they will) having a giant chunk of change could actually be wonderful for them. They can pursue undergrad and graduate degrees without a worry, they can select careers they care about like teaching and non-profit work without worrying about their salary's impact on their own kids lives, they have a mental safety net and can take some well calculated risks that someone without a financial cushion couldn't afford to take.

Yes there is a 5% chance the money will make them lazy and they'll blow it on stupid junk. Under any circumstance they will likely spend some of it on frivolous things and you'll have to bite your tongue that they're "wasting it". But try to appreciate all the wonderful things this can bring to them and while they're going up keep an open dialog about the values / money / hardwork / how lucky they are to have this and how smartly they can use it etc. Odds are what you role model will be what defines their future.


Do you have kids? There is no “95% chance” odds like this. Two kids, raised in a wonderful, identical household could end up very differently. One could be moral and grounded and one could be the opposite. Drugs, drinking, teen pregnancy, learning disabilities, mental health problems, molestation, boyfriend or girlfriend or friends who are a bad influence cAn all change someone. 95% chance, my arse.


Yes I do have kids - and most kids / people overall turn out well. Perfect? Absolutely not. But overall the success rate for raising a human in a loving home with resources like education, food, and financial stability is quite high.


Quoting this site: http://www.parentguidenews.com/Articles/EvenGoodKidsdoDrugs

“It’s a knife to my heart when I hear people saying things like if the parents had done a better job, then the child would not have turned to drugs. We raised two sons identically with love and generous servings of praise and adoration. One depended on drugs, one did not.”

Ask Owen Laurie, Brandon Vandenburg, or the mom in the story above. Ask mom’s whose kids are addicted to porn or gaming. I could raise my kid well and in 20 minutes of passion she could become a teen mom - drop out, marrying the guy, etc. sure, better home environment will help. It won’t help anywhere near 95%.


Owen Laurie = Owen Labrie
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 09:53     Subject: Children Inheriting Large Sums of Money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Best you can do is not tell your kids, teach them now about handling money responsibly (3 buckets etc), giving generously to charity (if that's your mindset), helping others, nothing is guaranteed in life etc. Work hard always. Drugs are dangerous.

Also don't get too invested in your kids getting the money. As others here have noted, people change their minds all the time about inheritance and can even be manipulated out of it on their deathbed - we've seen it happen twice to friends.


This is so true! I posted at 8:11, and this happened in our family too. The source of the $50M was my dad's uncle (let's call him Great Uncle) who never had children. It was always understood that the money would be split amongst his nieces and nephews. After his death, Great Uncle's brother, an unscrupulous attorney and all around rotten human being, produced a will signed on GU's deathbed that left everything to GU's brother and GU's brother's kids. It was largely considered to either be a forgery or a hard press on his deathbed, but no one contested it.

So GU's brother manipulated his own kids their whole lives, and his son was a layabout who never had a real job. His son's daughters also never learned responsibility, and they never entered into careers. Then the son dies, his widow takes up with a gold digger, and stops supporting her own daughters at gold digger's request. She manipulates her daughters and their leeching husbands, and doles out just enough money to keep them begging for more. It's so disgusting.

Meanwhile, my dad never looked back and continued supporting his family. I never even heard about this from him, only other relatives. My siblings and I never had any expectations of an inheritance, and we all have productive careers and are self supporting. I feel bad for my sousins, the three layabout females. Sure, some money would be nice, but I wouldn't trade lives with them for anything.

OP, please stop playing your role in this dynamic and just ignore it. Move on with your life, and if it happens it happens, but don't twist and turn to try to stay in the running. It's a sure path to misery. Good luck and take care.


This is basically the dynamic in my family too - especially on my fathers side. I had done exactly what you say - steered clear, got a good education and job and created my own family. All was fine until I had kids. I didn’t even want aunt to know about them. I didn’t even tell my mother when I was pregnant because I knew she would tell aunt and would not respect my wishes that aunt not be told. Well someone else told both of them. And since then aunt has been back in my life - promising money, telling me I don’t know how to take care of my kids, that I can’t provide for them without her money and on and on. So I guess the hand wringing as someone asked is all anger related to this and worry about my kids inheriting responsibly. I literally sit here sometimes and don’t know how I got dragged back into this after a decade plus of not being involved at all.