OP- this doesn't need to be a huge confrontation or "cutting off grandma and grandpa." It sounds like four kids are too much for them and they are losing their tempers.

The good advice is keep it low key and simply don't have your kids there unsupervised. Advise your sister of what has happened so she can make that choice as well.

Assuming by "smack" that your dad actually slapped your nephew across the the face and that your mom made your daughter eat a waffle out of the trashcan, it's pretty egregious behavior.

As a parent, I'd be more upset about the waffle- losing it and slapping a sassy kid is bad but not particularly calculated. I was slapped by two grandparents who were *not* abusive- just elderly and unable to cope patiently with a young, willful child. The waffle seems more like a battle of wills that turned abusive.

Nope. Grandma and Grandpa are not suitable for any children to be with alone. Send no children to see them without a parent present. Your parents are abusive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would feel like an idiot for knowingly sending my kids to an abusive environment each summer and then getting frustrated that it's not a happy, peaceful experience.

+1 Your dad slapped a 7 year old. Your mom made your kid eat out of the trash. What exactly do you need to hear to stop letting them watch your daughter??

This. You really need to crowdsource this? I would apologize to my children for sending them there and not do it again.

But how I feel doesn't really matter. How do you and your spouse feel about it?

Grandparents usually let the grandkids get away with things they’d never let their own kids do. If they’re this abusive to their grandchildren, it makes me wonder what they did to OP. She says she has been accused of being too overreactive. I might be reading too much into her posts, but my parents were like that. They would do or say mean things, then say I was being too sensitive if I said they hurt my feelings. I really didn’t understand that I was abused until I was an adult, and I realized I would never treat my kids the way they treated me. Then when I started limiting time with my kids, my parents accused me of helicoptering. I didn’t have any reference so I assumed I was being too uptight.

When you grow up with abusive parents, you don’t always know what normal looks like. Things other people take for granted can be foreign to us.

OP and others - We have four grandchildren. and from the start I have always had them in a program a couple of hours when they started to come in the summer. Two are twin girls now 9.5. I think we started with 4 days and a simple gym program of 3 day option of 2.5 hours. I never wanted the responsibility in our home till about age 5. Where we live I now make sure to learn about summer programs by February and they are coming twice for a week. It saves a lot on child care in the summer. The point is that having some structure to the day is good for all of us. Then we all can enjoy going to the pool, an area lake or indoor things like bowling or a movie. I also find out specifically what they likebto eat at all meals so help meals go smoothly. I am not above suggesting a fruit or vegetable option. But also have the snacks and desserts not usually offered at home. The grandchildren also get to choose among camps to attend.

The other set is a 7 year old girl and 5 year old boy who we will have for the first time for three days atvsummer's end. I have reservations about the boy as he is still so full of energy, but with his sister here things should be OK. We will be one on one in any activity. Next summer both woukd be the age of some nice half-day camps, too. One issue I face is whether to have all three girls together, Whike it woukd be fun in concept, I sense some rivalry. I will observe next week when all will be here a day or so. Both families live in DC, but do not do things together as much as one might. A grandparent needs to tred carefully in not taking sides , but also seeing that every child is happy coming.

I will say that my stamina and flexibility are a bit unusual in having a younger daughter with disability who lives with us. Because I am active with her and used to multi-tasking and scheduling, suddenly having two youngsters in toe is not such a shock to perhaps a more usual retirees' lifestyle and temperament. No one should ever lay a hand on a child. There are certain rules on safety, but we do not try to be overtly strict. Still you are more tired at days end than usual and a week is about the length of time for young children to visit.

I think it is important to see if a grandparent's house is safe for the age range visiting. I would include in this access to computer, any weapons in house, alcohol and oills in house and also a parents ability to drive with distractions. I am absolutely clear when driving them on what we exoect fir their savety!! I also think one might consider if your parents woukd be more comfortable giving you a break in your home and you should ask them. I woukd suggest talking about routine and how you woukd like anybbehavior handled such as time out, no dessert, less tv or whatever. Also what activity do you want your children to do such as limit on screen time, no Internet use, Reading so much time, and bed time etc. so that expectations are clear ahead of time. And, if possible do an overnight or a weekend visit first at the grandparents. We enjoy having the kids come, and the years fly by when soon they may not want to come so much.

Never send your children there again. They were abused by your parents and they didn't deserve to be treated that way. What a terrible situation.

Anonymous wrote:I would feel like an idiot for knowingly sending my kids to an abusive environment each summer and then getting frustrated that it's not a happy, peaceful experience.

This. One hundred percent this. Your mom cannot handle the younger kids anymore and should not be allowed to watch them for an extended period of time. I mean if that is her version of doing a good job of watching them, think how bad it really was.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me wonder about the older kids. What was your teen doing while grandma made her sister eat food from the trash?

Probably trying to go unnoticed for fear of getting beaten or forced to eat garbage food as well.
You can't and shouldn't put this on the teens. They were not in charge and were in the same bad situation as the kids. This is totally on the adults (the grandparents for doing it and the parents for putting all of the kids there).

A teen should NOT be held responsible for what happened.

I posted the question about the teen. I didn’t mean to imply that the teen was in any way to blame. I was mostly curious about what she said happened. If this was my children it’s hard not to imagine my daughter not calling from a bathroom saying “Mom, Grandma is making Larla eat trash and I don’t know what to do! Help!”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me wonder about the older kids. What was your teen doing while grandma made her sister eat food from the trash?

Probably trying to go unnoticed for fear of getting beaten or forced to eat garbage food as well.
You can't and shouldn't put this on the teens. They were not in charge and were in the same bad situation as the kids. This is totally on the adults (the grandparents for doing it and the parents for putting all of the kids there).

A teen should NOT be held responsible for what happened.

+1

Anonymous wrote:This makes me wonder about the older kids. What was your teen doing while grandma made her sister eat food from the trash?

Probably trying to go unnoticed for fear of getting beaten or forced to eat garbage food as well.
You can't and shouldn't put this on the teens. They were not in charge and were in the same bad situation as the kids. This is totally on the adults (the grandparents for doing it and the parents for putting all of the kids there).

A teen should NOT be held responsible for what happened.

This makes me wonder about the older kids. What was your teen doing while grandma made her sister eat food from the trash?

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP should tell her parents why the kids will not be with them unsupervised. She wouldn't be doing this with the expectation that they would agree, it really doesn't matter if they agree or not. She is telling them because she shouldn't have to constantly figure out reasons why kids can't stay alone with grandparents. They were abusive and I'm surprised that anyone would want to spare their feelings to avoid a confrontation. It will be a phone call anyway not a face to face intervention.

It’s not about sparing their feelings, it’s about not having a useless confrontation.

The grandparents live out of state, it’s not like these opportunities come up every week. When Grandma asks about next summer just say “That doesn’t work for us.” That’s it, no big explanation or elaborate excuses. If she presses, of course you can tell her that you don’t agree with her discipline style.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re confusing your facts because in one sentenceyour Niece and nephew are teens, and in the next, it sounds like you’re saying they’re 7. Don’t try to change the story jut to get the response you want.

These are your parents. Is it likely they would smack a child or make them eat a waffle out of the garbage? For me, that would be enough to never send them there again, but I also know my parents are capable of such things.

I'm sorry my oldest and my sister's oldest are teens. My youngest is 6 and hers is 7.

Your post is clear, it is the pp who couldn’t follow along.

Anyway, I wouldn’t send your kids again. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just don’t plan it.

OP, you parents sound a lot like my parents. They would get angry and hit us. I once got in trouble for throwing away a fried egg. By in trouble, I mean beaten with a cane. I was four. Even though my parents have mellowed put considerably and are doting grandparents to my children, I will NEVER leave my kids alone with them. A week away at the grandparents house? HELL NO.

These are your parents, you grew up with them. How did you not know this sort of thing would happen??