Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I certainly don’t expect them to ask to use the washer, they just happened to be using it when this happened so I used it as an example of how minor things like this don’t require asking. Same as this stupid little table that’s been sitting in the garage collecting dust.

Other then paying college related costs and allowing them to live at home rent free, we’ve never really spoiled them like some wealthy families do. Just a basic suburban family. I agree they certainly don’t/haven’t appreciated what’s been given to them.

Paying for college and living rent free with mom/dad doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping... is not just a basic suburban family.

+1

Perhaps it's common in DCUMLand, but it's actually not normal to let adults live at home rent-free while you're doing the cooking and things for them and also paying college costs. Especially when they're disrespectful.

So maybe that's the issue - your kids really have been spoiled but you just don't realize it because they haven't had all expenses paid trips to Vail every year or whatever your wealthy friends do.

For the record, I do think you should have asked about the table. But them just storming out and refusing to eat dinner you cooked is totally unacceptable. I'd be saying that since you have so much money that you can throw it away to buy food when we already spent time and money to cook you a nice meal here, you have the money to move out. We thought we were doing you a favor but obviously it's not being interpreted that way by the kids.

Anonymous wrote:I certainly don’t expect them to ask to use the washer, they just happened to be using it when this happened so I used it as an example of how minor things like this don’t require asking. Same as this stupid little table that’s been sitting in the garage collecting dust.

Other then paying college related costs and allowing them to live at home rent free, we’ve never really spoiled them like some wealthy families do. Just a basic suburban family. I agree they certainly don’t/haven’t appreciated what’s been given to them.

Paying for college and living rent free with mom/dad doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping... is not just a basic suburban family.

I certainly don’t expect them to ask to use the washer, they just happened to be using it when this happened so I used it as an example of how minor things like this don’t require asking. Same as this stupid little table that’s been sitting in the garage collecting dust.

Other then paying college related costs and allowing them to live at home rent free, we’ve never really spoiled them like some wealthy families do. Just a basic suburban family. I agree they certainly don’t/haven’t appreciated what’s been given to them.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks and I agree with most of the comments. Yes, they now pay for both newer car's plus insurance pus cell phone bill, etc... And it's not really about the table although I am the one that bought it in the first place. Funny thing is, when she was telling us we needed to ask permission to use it, she was using our washing machine and dryer without asking also!

As for food, we still have to take into account what each will or won't eat every time we cook, yes just like little kids. And no, I don't think at the last minute anyone should decide to go get takeout when we've already been lead to believe they were eating with us.

They currently save a lot of their money so that's why we don't charge them anything. We don't need the rent/food money but as long as they save it for future living expenses we're ok with that. Them spending it on drinking and partying would be a different story.

When you bought the table, did you tell her that it was not a gift and that you were just loaning it to her? If you didn't clearly indicate that, one would assume you had gifted her the table. You should have asked to use it.

Washers/dryers are generally considered communal property when you live in a home. I would not expect my kids to ever ask to the washer/dryer.

You need to discuss with them your expectations regarding meals.

Our solution was to have DD prequalify for a mortgage she could afford on her own. She found a condo well below that amount. We put up the minimum amount to get her through closing (about $50,000) and now she’s on her own. Her mortgage payment is almost $1000 less than rent would be and now she’s able to save some money. It kept sanity in our relationships and we paid less than a year of her college bills. Nice if it works.

Kick them out.

End of the next full month- out.

Anonymous wrote:Start charging rent (below market), but still charge something.

Yep, let them know that starting in August you expect them to contribute $400 - $500 each in 'rent'. That'll get them off their lazy asses.

LOL

You made your bed, now you sleep in it. You raised spoiled daughters who think everything will be taken care of and anything they do 'themselves' is only for them.

I'm willing to bet neither will leave until they move into their husband's home and one of them will just stick around til you die. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:They did not become entitled and disrespectful overnight. You cultivated this over many many years OP. It’s fine to call a family meeting and introduce new household rules, but don’t expect them to be mind readers. You have enabled them for a long time.

This. It's fine to start trying to raise them properly now, but they're basically already raised so you might not be able to do much to influence their world view.

I would just tell them that "things aren't working for your father and I, the way they are." and propose a few solutions and let them choose - e.g. they move out within the next couple weeks and understand that your house is YOUR house and they aren't entitled to it and everything in it anymore, i.e. they will be guests and behave as such, or they start paying rent plus there are some house rules, etc etc.

You aren't doing them any favors right now.

Get these daughters move out of your house. They are used to a standard of living they can't afford and will be dissatisfied with anything else unless you insist on it. I've seen many similar examples, with kids (usually daughters) still living off parents generosity well into their 30s because they couldn't afford a fashionable apartment with all new furnishings and takeout for every meal. We have one living down the street, in fact. She wants a professional man who can provide the standard of life to which she's accustomed but is quickly getting past the age to attract such a man if he wants a family.

OP, one situation (table) does not have anything to do with the other (housing). Separate them out.

The table situation and the associated reaction could have been a knee jerk reaction because your DD had a bad day at work, they might have been on their period, etc. It happens.

Your issue is around the living situation and how to make a break while maintaining a working relationship.

#1) You need to realize that there will be periods of discomfort to both parties as you walk down this path.
#2) Discomfort leads to growth. You sound like a swell DH and Father but it seems to me (and I don't know you from a hill of beans) that you don't like making your DD's uncomfortable (you've made their lives easy, at least it sounds easy to most of us). By encouraging your girls to move out, perhaps before they are ready, you will be making them uncomfortable. There needs to be a level of discomfort or pain which will help them to grow.
#3) You don't mention your DW and what her opinion is. You probably already know this but it's good for both you and DW to be on the same page and both hold the line on whatever you decide (move out, charge rent, etc). If DW concedes, then you are the bad guy (3 girls vs 1 guy) and that won't end up well for anyone.
#4) To ensure that you maintain a healthy relationship, keep the lines of communication open. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad communication, as long as there is a steady cadence. The moment communication stops is when the relationship deteriorates.
#5) I like a PP's idea of charging a nominal amount for rent and then placing it in a savings account for them. This will teach them to budget properly. You could use those funds to help out with a downpayment on a car, house, etc. It's up to you as to whether you want to tell them about it or not. I would bring it up and see if you can both agree to where, what and how to use those dollars. Don't charge them for food and magically, they will probably show up to more home cooked meals rather than eating out since "rent" will impact their spending money.
#6) Not sure if this is the case but it seems that one DD is your problem (older one probably). The younger one probably is influenced by the older one. I wouldn't be surprised if you would be willing to have your younger DD live at home but you wanted your older one to move out. Whatever the case is, you need to apply a consistent set of rules across both girls.

For whatever it's worth, you do sound like a loving Father and I wish I had a dad like you. I certainly wouldn't have responded like your DD did and would have been grateful for the huge head start in life you've provided, and are providing, to your girls (your older one probably thinks she hit a triple in life rather than being born on third).

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:Start charging rent (below market), but still charge something.

This. Save it an account and give it back later, if you want. But charge them something. You aren’t doing them any favors.

Stop cooking and let them be responsible for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:Start charging rent (below market), but still charge something.

. This