Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 18:34     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to step up. This is WRONG.

This is not a debate between your willful SIL and your DH, this is elder abuse.

Your FIL is in your home. The SIL isn't even coming -- tell the BIL not to come either and tell your DH if he doesn't stand with you, you're calling Adult Protective Services.





This. Moving him now will be so confusing and awful for him now he is suffering from dementia. It is cruel to move him. I just wouldn’t let him go without a court order.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 18:26     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
OP, you need to step up. This is WRONG.

This is not a debate between your willful SIL and your DH, this is elder abuse.

Your FIL is in your home. The SIL isn't even coming -- tell the BIL not to come either and tell your DH if he doesn't stand with you, you're calling Adult Protective Services.



Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 18:17     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Why are you sending him? If SIL can't and won't provide proper care and involve hospice etc, then you and DH should keep him with you. Since you and DH have the means and capacity to care for him at your home and he is comfortable in your home as you have already been his caregivers, then put the money towards flying SIL and BIL out to your place to spend time with him.

How long has it been since he lived near SIL and BIL? How long have you been his caregivers? Did he express a clear wish to die with SIL?
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 17:50     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
I've only ever flown coach. I can't imagine ever changing that even if I had millions in the bank. He has hardly anything.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 17:38     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
So, if your FIL has dementia and you've been taking care of him, does that mean your husband is the medical power of attorney? If so, your SIL can be adamant all she wants but has no real power to do anything. If I were you, I'd keep the poor man here and "insists" your SIL fly out here to say goodbye.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 17:30     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Coach, he is going to need 24/7 care and that money is better used to hire a caretaker and to help SIL. You have no idea what is is like to care for someone in that situation. They should get hospice in if they can get him health insurance, which generally covers it - medicare pays hospice but they are not full time providers in less you stay in the hospice home. You and your husband get no opinion as you are not willing to step up and care for him. You are greedy.


OP here. I agree with many of you that this is nuts. But as I said, it’s a long story. I have little say here, though my preference was to keep FIL with us. My SIL is very difficult and is adamant that FIL go to their home. Regarding being called cheap, DH and I are ready and willing to pay FIL’s expenses after he exhausts his savings, which is a strong likelihood, and we have already willingly incurred lots of expenses for his care. This is not about us being cheap, though it may well be about SIL being cheap. DH and SIL are now not speaking. My plan was to look into the cost to upgrade and try to get BIL to agree to let me cover the difference for both their tickets (if SIL catches wind if it she will be furious, taking it as a criticism). SIL has vehemently refused to allow hospice to come in yet but she will have to allow them at some point. I’ve seen family members die protracted, ugly deaths from cancer; SIL and BIL have not, and I don’t think they have a real grasp of what they’re in for.

The whole situation is really sad and feels really bad.


If he doesn’t have health insurance, how do you intend on paying for hospice? The costs for his care are going to be astronomical.

I’m sorry for you and your family to be going through this .

He is in no condition to fly. $80K is virtually nothing. There will be nothing left for an inheritance. If your FIL is not asking to go live in with your SIL and you are wiling to take care of him, then he doesn't really need to move does he?

Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 17:28     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Coach, he is going to need 24/7 care and that money is better used to hire a caretaker and to help SIL. You have no idea what is is like to care for someone in that situation. They should get hospice in if they can get him health insurance, which generally covers it - medicare pays hospice but they are not full time providers in less you stay in the hospice home. You and your husband get no opinion as you are not willing to step up and care for him. You are greedy.


OP here. I agree with many of you that this is nuts. But as I said, it’s a long story. I have little say here, though my preference was to keep FIL with us. My SIL is very difficult and is adamant that FIL go to their home. Regarding being called cheap, DH and I are ready and willing to pay FIL’s expenses after he exhausts his savings, which is a strong likelihood, and we have already willingly incurred lots of expenses for his care. This is not about us being cheap, though it may well be about SIL being cheap. DH and SIL are now not speaking. My plan was to look into the cost to upgrade and try to get BIL to agree to let me cover the difference for both their tickets (if SIL catches wind if it she will be furious, taking it as a criticism). SIL has vehemently refused to allow hospice to come in yet but she will have to allow them at some point. I’ve seen family members die protracted, ugly deaths from cancer; SIL and BIL have not, and I don’t think they have a real grasp of what they’re in for.

The whole situation is really sad and feels really bad.


He is in no condition to fly. $80K is virtually nothing. There will be nothing left for an inheritance. If your FIL is not asking to go live in with your SIL and you are wiling to take care of him, then he doesn't really need to move does he?

Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 17:27     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Reading between the lines here.

Have you discussed the immigration issues? With the real ID act, he may need his passport to fly into the state. There are customs officials at every airport and they may question him.

If he does not have valid immigration status - issued or pending - and he is questioned by CBP he may have issues.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 17:17     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Keep him in your home. Is SIL going to come kidnap him in the middle of the night? Are you seriously conciseeing dropping this dying man off at the airport and hoping he makes it alive? SIL is already not speaking to your leave the man where he is.


Ok, but who is going to take care of him? If SIL is willing to do that when no one else is then maybe the move makes sense. If OP and her DH are willing, that is something else again, but my experience is that daughters are more likely to be the caretakers than sons.


Have you read any of the posts?? OP and her DH are caring for him now, in their home, and had planned to until his death. Do you really think he is better off with his daughter, who won’t even fly out here to help him on the flight?
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 17:00     Subject: Re:Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
I am poor and it would never even occur to me to buy anyone first class seats. To me, first class is for people like Kardashians and other rich and famous people. If first class is that important to DH why doesn't he just pay to upgrade his father to first class?
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 16:56     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Anonymous wrote:Keep him in your home. Is SIL going to come kidnap him in the middle of the night? Are you seriously conciseeing dropping this dying man off at the airport and hoping he makes it alive? SIL is already not speaking to your leave the man where he is.


Ok, but who is going to take care of him? If SIL is willing to do that when no one else is then maybe the move makes sense. If OP and her DH are willing, that is something else again, but my experience is that daughters are more likely to be the caretakers than sons.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 16:54     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
If you are the primary caretakers and have it in writing he wants you, go to court and file for guardianship. You can file yourself without an attorney and stop them from taking him.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 16:53     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Coach, he is going to need 24/7 care and that money is better used to hire a caretaker and to help SIL. You have no idea what is is like to care for someone in that situation. They should get hospice in if they can get him health insurance, which generally covers it - medicare pays hospice but they are not full time providers in less you stay in the hospice home. You and your husband get no opinion as you are not willing to step up and care for him. You are greedy.


OP here. I agree with many of you that this is nuts. But as I said, it’s a long story. I have little say here, though my preference was to keep FIL with us. My SIL is very difficult and is adamant that FIL go to their home. Regarding being called cheap, DH and I are ready and willing to pay FIL’s expenses after he exhausts his savings, which is a strong likelihood, and we have already willingly incurred lots of expenses for his care. This is not about us being cheap, though it may well be about SIL being cheap. DH and SIL are now not speaking. My plan was to look into the cost to upgrade and try to get BIL to agree to let me cover the difference for both their tickets (if SIL catches wind if it she will be furious, taking it as a criticism). SIL has vehemently refused to allow hospice to come in yet but she will have to allow them at some point. I’ve seen family members die protracted, ugly deaths from cancer; SIL and BIL have not, and I don’t think they have a real grasp of what they’re in for.

The whole situation is really sad and feels really bad.


You don't have to hand him over and this really makes no sense. You say no. Have the doctor say he cannot make the trip. No, you aren't required to have hospice. First vs. coach is not a big deal. It sounds like its a terrible idea to move him. We moved my MIL cross country and it was very difficult with the dementia. Luckily she was still able to manage then but if we waited any longer it would not have worked.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 16:46     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Keep him in your home. Is SIL going to come kidnap him in the middle of the night? Are you seriously conciseeing dropping this dying man off at the airport and hoping he makes it alive? SIL is already not speaking to your leave the man where he is.
Anonymous
Post 07/15/2018 16:41     Subject: Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class
Has anyone asked this poor man what HIS wishes are?