Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3.5 years ago. My son was around 5 at the time. My ex leaves nearby and we share custody 50/50. We are amicable.

My son is generally doing well but sometimes struggles with the divorce. It ebbs and flows. There is a good book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" that discusses the life-cycle effects of divorce. At first, because my son was doing well at the time, I thought it was a bit of BS. But the older he gets, the more accurate I think it is. It is something he will have to live with, and factor into his life--and his conception of relationships as he gets older.


I think that there are some positives and some negatives for him. The positive is that my ex and I did fight a lot. He has said he is happy we don't do that anymore and that we seem to be getting along better. Also, my girlfriend and him get along well, and it seems like our relationship is a better model for him than my prior one with my ex. Time will tell if this persists, but I'm grateful for that at the moment. The negative is that he is constantly shuttling back and forth, and it's hard on him not to be around both of us full-time. (He wasn't when we were married, but he comments on it more now. Maybe because he's older and can verbalize more.) Even in the best scenario, it's tough for him. But, as I said, there are countervailing benefits too.


I am frustrated by the many posters that blame you for your wife's depression. If she is refusing treatment for it, that's on her, not you. We each are responsbile for our own well-being.

BUT, and I offer this with a lot of sympathy, because I was once there too: You seem very raw and defensive. Very few posters respond to every message. Perhaps you have a lazy Saturday. But it seems to me that you may need to develop some thicker skin. It is not your fault your wife is depressed. But perhaps you are taking it personally and responding too much, whatever. When you start getting into a fight, instead of engaging further, you may want to try disengaging a bit, and seeing how that goes. Perhaps I'm projecting, as that was my experience with my ex: I dug in further when I really should have said I don't care and left the room. Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:I divorced 3.5 years ago. My son was around 5 at the time. My ex leaves nearby and we share custody 50/50. We are amicable.

My son is generally doing well but sometimes struggles with the divorce. It ebbs and flows. There is a good book called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" that discusses the life-cycle effects of divorce. At first, because my son was doing well at the time, I thought it was a bit of BS. But the older he gets, the more accurate I think it is. It is something he will have to live with, and factor into his life--and his conception of relationships as he gets older.


I think that there are some positives and some negatives for him. The positive is that my ex and I did fight a lot. He has said he is happy we don't do that anymore and that we seem to be getting along better. Also, my girlfriend and him get along well, and it seems like our relationship is a better model for him than my prior one with my ex. Time will tell if this persists, but I'm grateful for that at the moment. The negative is that he is constantly shuttling back and forth, and it's hard on him not to be around both of us full-time. (He wasn't when we were married, but he comments on it more now. Maybe because he's older and can verbalize more.) Even in the best scenario, it's tough for him. But, as I said, there are countervailing benefits too.


I am frustrated by the many posters that blame you for your wife's depression. If she is refusing treatment for it, that's on her, not you. We each are responsbile for our own well-being.

BUT, and I offer this with a lot of sympathy, because I was once there too: You seem very raw and defensive. Very few posters respond to every message. Perhaps you have a lazy Saturday. But it seems to me that you may need to develop some thicker skin. It is not your fault your wife is depressed. But perhaps you are taking it personally and responding too much, whatever. When you start getting into a fight, instead of engaging further, you may want to try disengaging a bit, and seeing how that goes. Perhaps I'm projecting, as that was my experience with my ex: I dug in further when I really should have said I don't care and left the room. Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:The real issue is will your wife still be a decent parent to your daughter with you gone. Your DD will lose you as a buffer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Ok her Mom died, she is depressed. Can you not understand and empathize with her loss? You sound really cold and withholding? Perhaps couples counseling first?

Are f-Ing kidding me? It has been over 10 years and my DW will not get help. I am cold and withholding? That is on me? F Off

OP, this is not the board to get help from. It’s overwhelmed by psycho women that always want to paint themselves as the victim and that men as always the evil villain that never tried hard enough. It will never not be your fault here. To get an appropriate perspective that will help your kids succeed, see a family therapist that specializes in divorce. You’ll get unbiased feedback from them. I wish you much luck on your journey and however it ends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Ok her Mom died, she is depressed. Can you not understand and empathize with her loss? You sound really cold and withholding? Perhaps couples counseling first?

Are f-Ing kidding me? It has been over 10 years and my DW will not get help. I am cold and withholding? That is on me? F Off

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being in a loveless, lifeless, toxic household where clearly parents are miserable and living a lie also has its consequences. I was really glad my parents divorced and didn't use me as an excuse to stay miserable, when I was a child.

+1. I begged my mom to leave my dad. But she said (and she was right) that we would have gone from barely middle class to working poor. So she stayed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Ok her Mom died, she is depressed. Can you not understand and empathize with her loss? You sound really cold and withholding? Perhaps couples counseling first?

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced while I was in high school. While I had a room at my dad's house I appreciated he didn't insist on me shuttling back and forth. I stayed with my mom through high school and ended up staying with my dad when I came home from college to visit.

If you minimize disruption to kid and don't trash each other it's not end of the world

Anonymous wrote:Being in a loveless, lifeless, toxic household where clearly parents are miserable and living a lie also has its consequences. I was really glad my parents divorced and didn't use me as an excuse to stay miserable, when I was a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is very different than if it was a woman saying she was leaving her marriage. Read a few of those threads to get a less sexist view and more balanced responses.

There were a couple threads recently about woman leaving marriages when their kids were teens. Most posters supported the women in leaving.

I realize and appreciate that. But I asked for people’s opinions and I am reading their responses. I may not agree with 100% of what they write.. but someone may point out something that I have not thought of...

I recall that the threads about women all involved on-going verbal abuse by the H. Not just coldness.

My DW is not the nicest person to me. Critical and negative feedback on things that just do not make sense. There is emotional, verbal, and etc abuse. DW is not a happy person. The only joy they she seems to get is from her kids. I asked and recommended but she will not seek help. There are several things that I just can’t write because it may make it too easy for people that know us to recognize us.

The real question is what are you doing to upset her and how are you making the relationship work. You put 100% of the issues on her. She is not happy for a reason and it is probably your behavior. You need to make the effort first.

DW has classic depression. More so after her mom died. She will not get help. Seriously..How is that on me?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's kids have serious relationship issues because of the crap their mom put them through divorcing Dad. You will no longer be parenting your kids in less you have 50/50 and then you will only see them 50/50. Is that really best for them? Yes, you are partly divorcing them. We get it, you want to be with someone else or are having an affair and want to move on. Easier than fixing what is going on and who cares what impact it has on others.

It is interesting when people suggest that I can just “fix” my broken marriage. I suggested that DW get help for her depression.. she said no. Topic of Divorce came up.. she still said no. Would I like to find a partner and friend to spread the rest of my life with YES. My current DW has demonstrated that she does not want to be that person. I am concerned that if I was not living in the house... who would do laundry, dishes and all of the task that I do.. DW would have to come out of her room more to do things.. I do not see how my marriage is fixable. Help me understand what a “fixed” marriage looks like.

You are not willing to fix your marriage by working on it and rebuilding your relationship with her. Depression isn't the issue, your relationship is. My husband has untreated depression. Its not an issue and we are both supportive of the other's health issue. Bottomline is you are either having an affair or planning to have one and want to blame her as a justification.