Ugh, my mom is like this. I've tried various things (no direct confrontation though - she can't handle it) and one thing that works pretty well for me is just laughing. I try to laugh in a "what you said is so absurd you must have been attempting to be humorous" way or in a way where she might just think I'm laughing at her. It's kind of zinger-ish because she takes herself and everything in her life very seriously.

Another MIL thread. Yawn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

"Well, you don't get to see her without me, that's how this works, any questions?"

One other thing you might try is to say, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you, could you repeat that?" Make her repeat her snarkiness.

You could always try the "Well, bless your heart" response to anything snarky.

Anonymous wrote:Bracing for this with my own mom in a few weeks. She cannot help nitpicking everything or criticizing me. I've always just limited our time together and white knuckled my way through the meetings. But I've sort of had enough recently. I"m prepared to call her on it this time. "Wow, I'm not sure why you thought it was a nice thing to comment on the weight I've gained. Because it's really mean." Then move on.

I’ve found that telling people like this that you’re hurt opens you up even more. Don’t expose any more vulnerability. Just say, that behavior is unacceptable and go or tell them they need to go, or make it even simpler and just say ok time to go, no explanation given. No need to bare the deep wounds to your soul to them. It gives them power and ammunition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

A couple of different ways you could handle this. But the best thing is to get to a place where you do not care about her or what she says AT ALL. It would be good if you could consider her mentally ill and an object of pity. But, since that's asking a lot, then just respond to her bluntly and directly. "I'm here to see her not you!" can get a response like "Well, unfortunately for you, she lives with me. And it's important to us -- and non-negotiable -- that she sees her grandmother treating her mother with respect." If her comment was unprovoked, then say "Larla, nobody asked you who you are here to see." Keep calm and polite, like you would talk to a stranger or a tantrumy child. "Larla, you seem cranky. Maybe you need a snack/nap." Don't let her get to you, and don't let her see that she's getting to you. If she gets to you, in her mind she has won. If you don't care and don't let her get to you, then you have won.

I strongly agree with this approach. I am not confrontational and in my own situation asking someone to leave would jut not work for me. But these things I could do. It's helped me to understand MIL as someone who is an object of pity. And then you can just be no nonsense and unaffected. A wow with blinks might work, too. Oh just, Oh, Barbara when she says something outrageous. If everyone is just used to shrugging it all off, then I think your best strategy is to learn to shrug it off. She won't change. Maybe in your particular example, a wry, "well, at least I know where I stand." That way you're sort of calling her out without really calling her out. Watch her carefully with your child though. In my case, turns out child and grandma have a close relationship. And so I can just exit and diminish my time with MIL. But as my children have reached puberty, I'm growing concerned they will assert themselves in a way that will annoy MIL and the wrath will be turned onto them. So after a few years of not worrying ot much about it, I'm back to high alert.

“It’s clear you don’t like me. That in turn makes it very hard for me to find good in you. If you don’t wish to have a relationship with me, then that’s the way we’ll do it. I have a family so it’s not like I honestly need any relationship with you.”

If you have DH on board you can try “I hoped you could be kind to (Wife) so it would encourage us to bring DD to you. Clearly that’s not going to work. We will not allow our child to be hurt by your comments. I will visit occasionally but DD and (wife) will not come just to be disrespected. You did this to yourself with your meanness and snarky comments.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly does she do/say? Give a couple of scenarios. It’s easier to offer some possible retorts if we know what her bullying behavior looks like. What does “snarkiness” sound like?

Example: "I'm here to see her (not name but "her") not you!" unsolicited, when baby was first born. Basically, any rude example is not beyond MIL, as she has a problem with a few things about me. I don't say much to her, for obvious reasons. I don't want to get caught up in specific examples, however - suffice to say she likes to insert the zingers, unsolicited, when DH is is not present, no one is present, whenever possible. OP here.

You are the gatekeeper to your child. DH needs to be on board with that fact.

What if DH isn't around? The issue is not the child, BTW it is how MIL talks to me. Which is why I am looking for snarky responses to a snarky woman. I think I am trying to explain to much here (thus getting side railed), it is a rather straightforward question. OP here.

No. We're not going to help you to be immature and passive-aggressive and mean. We're going to force you to go high when she goes low and be the better person.

So I have an insanely difficult MIL. Like you, all her family agrees she's awful but no one wants to deal with her.

I absolutely have used the confrontation method. "Why did you ____ ??" If she says "OMG you are making a mountain out of a molehill relax" I respond, "no, why did you do that? Why?" Until she backs down.

The other thing I do is be critical back. For example, she thinks our house and furniture is junky. So if she starts in on that stuff, I say, "Well I love my table and am glad I'm not worried about my small children damaging it, but why did you spend $20k on a dining table? Can't you think of better things to do with the money? My friend is fundraising for lawyers to represent asylum seekers, isn't that a better use of the money?"

Now. Of COURSE this didn't turn her into a kind person. But now she fears me and actually tells her sisters I am abusive and domineering.

But they know her so no one is buying it.

I would play up that she's too old to fight with. Simpler at her and kind of shake your head in an indulgent way. Talk a bit louder to her.

Bracing for this with my own mom in a few weeks. She cannot help nitpicking everything or criticizing me. I've always just limited our time together and white knuckled my way through the meetings. But I've sort of had enough recently. I"m prepared to call her on it this time. "Wow, I'm not sure why you thought it was a nice thing to comment on the weight I've gained. Because it's really mean." Then move on.

Same as the PP. I can't change her. She has too much baggage from before me and before my kids -- insecure around her friends/gossipy, had marital problems with FIL (he was unfaithful), competitive with her sister, became extremely religious (at a church that is full of people I think are racist and nutty). Unfortunately she is obsessed with my kid and acts like she owns him (shoos me away when he is crying to nurse, tells him how his mommy and daddy keep him from grandma). I just try to limit my kid's exposure to things like her church.

A lot of patience and a lot of pretending not to hear what she says. Because I’ve learned that no matter what I or anyone else says, it’s not going to change her now at almost 70. Good luck!

There are no snarky comments you can make that will cause her to back off. She's been at this a lot longer than you have. Be unfailingly polite, but do not put up with rude comments. I'd go with, "What an unkind thing to say." And then walk away. Every time. Don't argue, don't engage.