It is unbelievably rude to invite a guest to the ceremony but not the reception. Especially if they are in the wedding party!

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. A couple of clarifications -- money is definitely NOT the reason they aren't invited. The marginal difference for this couple of a few extra dinners is nothing relative to the cost of this event. They might be short on space, and I can certainly understand if they don't want to use a "seat" for a kid.... which was part of my thought process in asking for the kids to pop in for an hour. The trip is not a financial hardship for us but is a big piece of our budget -- we are doing a summer staycation to accommodate the expense. Which is fine -- I have no grievance with that -- I just feel like my kids (older ones really) should get to see the couple's first dance, dance a little themselves, and have the experience of the celebration after taking part in the ceremony and posing for family pictures.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No real advice, but...

Who doesn't love watching that little flower girl dancing the night away? Little nieces and nephews dancing and laughing and smiling at family weddings is a joy! Whoever's pulling the strings in your BIL's relationship has a real stick up their butt.

You might see it that way, but really, other people might not want cranky, overtired, impatient 3yr, 6yr and 10yr old kids at an adult party where there are literally no other children.

Most people's kids behave at weddings.

Sorry if your family's kids do not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a financial hardship for you to attend? Then either don't go, or just send your husband. This is FINE.

Is it not a financial hardship and you're just upset about the reception non-invite? Then think ahead: in 10 years, would you rather be a little salty about an event where your kids only participated in 50% of it, or would you rather not have gone and made your point? If you choose the former, make sure you don't tell your kids they are missing a big party, and make it sound like they are having a grand old time at the other festivities. Honestly, they won't know a big difference and you can tell them they're gonna go swim with a sitter while you go to boring grown-up stuff.

It's rude, but who gets to go to the reception is not in your hands anymore. You just have to make a decision about what you'll participate in.

What kind of irresponsible parent would leave their kids in a strange country with a stranger sitter to go swimming while mom and dad party?

That is wrong on so many levels.

Maybe OP can do something with the kids while dad goes to the reception?

Read the OP. She already planned a sitter to watch the kids for the majority of the reception.

Not sure what the right answer is - I do like the idea of marketing perhaps an inroom movie and room service but your oldest might not be fooled by the bait and switch. If it's a fantastic resort with fantastic amenities (good lord $6K to attend??) there may even be kids events that you or DH can accompany them on in lieu of that party. I know when I've been on a resort for vacation that they offered tons for kids to do - even during the evenings so you can preschedule that - and perhaps one of you will be noticeably absent for the entire reception because DUH they didn't let you invite the kids to the party - even with your nice compromise of a solution.

All that to say - no matter what you do, DO NOT ASK AGAIN. I don't know what PPs are thinking when they say this but this will make it more painful and awkward - no matter the outcome. If they say yes, it will be the bride nashing her teeth together about the exception made for you - who apparently thinks you're should be accommodated on her special day - or it will be a no again and probably more hurt feelings.

Anonymous wrote:Is it a financial hardship for you to attend? Then either don't go, or just send your husband. This is FINE.

Is it not a financial hardship and you're just upset about the reception non-invite? Then think ahead: in 10 years, would you rather be a little salty about an event where your kids only participated in 50% of it, or would you rather not have gone and made your point? If you choose the former, make sure you don't tell your kids they are missing a big party, and make it sound like they are having a grand old time at the other festivities. Honestly, they won't know a big difference and you can tell them they're gonna go swim with a sitter while you go to boring grown-up stuff.

It's rude, but who gets to go to the reception is not in your hands anymore. You just have to make a decision about what you'll participate in.

What kind of irresponsible parent would leave their kids in a strange country with a stranger sitter to go swimming while mom and dad party?

That is wrong on so many levels.

Maybe OP can do something with the kids while dad goes to the reception?

Anonymous wrote:At my sister's destination wedding, my kids were the flower children. They were invited to the reception but were the only kids there. They did go and ate a little bit of dinner and danced for a song or two, but my husband quickly took them to the room for the night because it was quite late for them. I stayed because it was my sister's wedding. I think this is the best way to do it. They won't miss the reception much if they can have a nice room service dinner in the room. I think you'll be more upset than they will to miss it.

+1

Graceful and appropriate answer, thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems more than fair that the entire wedding party is invited to the reception. That is the real slight here. Why send children on a multi-day trip and then tell them they can't go to the one part that is fun?

I am quite certain in saying they will find more things at a beach resort fun than a sit down dinner.

I know from my own experiences that every second of this family's time is going to be spent on wedding related events and obligations. I doubt they will have more than an hour to spend on resort activities. The kids will be expected to go to a large sit down dinner with the extended family every night they are there. They just aren't allowed at the only one that's an actual party, with music, dancing, and cake. That's mean. It's like taking a kid to Disney and telling them to just stand there are look pretty.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure someone will pop in to say that people are allowed to have the weddings they want, and if you don't like it, you can decline.

Which may be true, but it would piss me off too. 10 and 6 are old enough to be well-behaved, and it seems really stingy not allow them to stay for an hour and have cake -- which seems like a nice compromise.

+1

We don’t let strangers watch our kids so it would mean one of us staying in with them. I think these sorts of weddings suck, but I’m not sure what else there is to do.

Anonymous wrote:^ You know what? I just read that your girls are 3, 6, and 10. I have a 9 yo and he and I would be pretty hurt if this happened. Two of your kids are old enough to understand wedding = cake and be sad (the 10 yo actually hurt) if they are not present. So I'd have you or your DH present it to BIL one more time in those terms: "Hey BIL, we have a really awkward situation here and I don't want to bother you, but I'm just gonna come out with it. Our oldest two girls, and the oldest in particular, understands what weddings are and knowing her, she is going to be really hurt if she is not allowed to come to the reception at all. Is is possible to have them sit through dinner, or just come for cake? I hope you would consider this. We can pay for them or for a sitter to accompany them. If not, we respect your wishes, but I might have to go spend the evening with them to soften the blow. Again, sorry to bother you with something that must seem small but it's not that small to the kids or us. Let me know."

It is fine for your kids to be disappointed. The problem with many UMC kids is that they are not disappointed enough. DH has already asked once. Don't make this a big thing.

Insane. The chances of kids misbehaving during wedding is more than they misbehaving at the reception. I think you can safely skip this one. Your kids are family and not there just for making the ceremony look good.

Be clear about it now and prevent all the angst.

Anonymous wrote:It seems more than fair that the entire wedding party is invited to the reception. That is the real slight here. Why send children on a multi-day trip and then tell them they can't go to the one part that is fun?

I am quite certain in saying they will find more things at a beach resort fun than a sit down dinner.

I would ask on more time. Many people think kids will ruin a wedding when in fact they realize as they age that the kids are barely noticed and love the occasion.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure someone will pop in to say that people are allowed to have the weddings they want, and if you don't like it, you can decline.

Which may be true, but it would piss me off too. 10 and 6 are old enough to be well-behaved, and it seems really stingy not allow them to stay for an hour and have cake -- which seems like a nice compromise.

I am usually firmly in this camp. But this crosses a line. It isn't no kids - they want kids to participate. This is pretty ridiculous.

It seems more than fair that the entire wedding party is invited to the reception. That is the real slight here. Why send children on a multi-day trip and then tell them they can't go to the one part that is fun?