I have a hard time with the “what will other people think” part of the discussion, unless you’re in a plural relationship. How does anyone else even know how you sleep?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just focusing on the sleeping part of things I think your DH is being silly. My DH and I sleep separately because we both snore and drive each other nuts with it. We don’t advertise it though because people might think it was weird or a sign of marital trouble. In our case we are very happy and our bedroom is still OUR room but we have an extra bed in our home office and one of us will go sleep in there when they go to sleep. It’s really just for sleeping. Neither of us like to snuggle while actually trying to sleep unless it’s for a nap or something so it’s not much different except we don’t hear each other snore.

He is not being silly. He is entitled to his feelings on his marriage. Don't discount them.

Nor do I discount OP's need for sleep. She needs a sleep study. Address the issue, not the symptoms.

I said he was being silly because a big part of his concern seemed to be of the “what will people think” and “every other couple sleeps together” kind of thing...I think it’s a lot more common than people talk about even in good marriages.

Given how incredibly dismissive OP ha sheen of her DH’s feelings in this discussion, I have a hard time believing she isn’t similarly dismissive to him in their discussions. He may be falling back on “what other couples do” to show that he’s not being crazy here.

He should shitcan you for sure

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just focusing on the sleeping part of things I think your DH is being silly. My DH and I sleep separately because we both snore and drive each other nuts with it. We don’t advertise it though because people might think it was weird or a sign of marital trouble. In our case we are very happy and our bedroom is still OUR room but we have an extra bed in our home office and one of us will go sleep in there when they go to sleep. It’s really just for sleeping. Neither of us like to snuggle while actually trying to sleep unless it’s for a nap or something so it’s not much different except we don’t hear each other snore.

He is not being silly. He is entitled to his feelings on his marriage. Don't discount them.

Nor do I discount OP's need for sleep. She needs a sleep study. Address the issue, not the symptoms.

I said he was being silly because a big part of his concern seemed to be of the “what will people think” and “every other couple sleeps together” kind of thing...I think it’s a lot more common than people talk about even in good marriages.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, honestly I've never had a really strong libido and even pre-kids 1x/week was enough for me. (And DH knew this.) Does that mean I should not have gotten married (to anyone)? Don't people vary a lot in their sex drive?

Maybe but a partner being uninterested in sex is perfectly acceptable reason for the other partner (male OR female) to step out. First to separate bedrooms, then 'I need a work apartment for the long hours', then trial separation, then divorce.

To be perfectly honest - if you're not going to have sex with someone why tie them down for 20 years?

If hes so worried about it why did he marry her in the first place? She clearly has stated this is how their marriage was from day 1. This is not a case of bait and switch.

You must think it reasonable to marry someone and expect a profound change after marriage, as people have more sex after marriage.

I TOTALLY feel where you are coming from! I am such a high maintenance sleeper - all conditions have to be practically perfect for me to sleep and a fan for white noise is a MUST! It can be a difficult thing to navigate when you're married but there are so many possible solutions to try. Do you think your husband's main concern is the intimacy? How do you think he would feel if you actually initiated sex more often? Even if you're secretly motivated by the idea of more quality sleep time for yourself I wonder if your lack of quality sleep is affecting your desire for your husband - if so, that's totally fixable! There are some great articles here that you could look into: https://bit.ly/2IAJwZE. How much of your depression and anxiety do you think is tied to lack of sleep? Maybe you could talk to your doctor about all of these things; they really are all issues that can be treated and improved so that both you and your husband can get what you need. I soooo understand your situation; let us know what you think might help you!

Why can’t you take sleep meds every night? I have had horrible insomnia my whole life. Took nightly melatonin from age 10-30 and now take unisom since it’s safer while nursing my newborn. I can be up all night and then still not be able to fall asleep the next night. I would love my own bedroom but we don’t have a guest room. I poke DH constantly when he snores they the night. He also watches the kids (3) most weekend mornings so I can get a couple extra of sleep, because sometimes even with the unisom and the exhaustion of baby + chasing toddlers, I still only get a couple hours of sleep.

The thing is, you having a seperate room isn't addressing your sleep issues. For whatever reason, your DH wants to bed together at night. It sounds like that was the norm for you guys before you had kids. You changed. He didn't. You two now need to 're-negotiate' a new norm. For me, it doesn't sound like you've made a good faith effort to address your sleep issues. In particular, I take issue with your comment about anti-depressants and 'drugging up'. You come across as dissmissive of your DH's feelings and pathways to treatment. You're satisfied with how things are. His feelings be damned.

... I'm not on antidepressants; I feel like I should avoid them because it's mostly situational. Maybe I should be drugging up more. I have a noise machine but he doesn't like it....

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, I've been the therapists (though not currently in therapy) and tried exercise, and I take sleep meds sometimes --but I can't take them every night. I'm not on antidepressants; I feel like I should avoid them because it's mostly situational. Maybe I should be drugging up more. I have a noise machine but he doesn't like it.

As PP notes there is a huge stigma attached to not sleeping together. That's one of my DH's arguments--every couple we know sleeps together and can't imagine not doing so (or so he thinks).

Thanks for those offering support.

Situational depression does not go on for ten years; you have chronic depression, and typically that requires medication to find meaningful relief. Either way, though, your husband is telling you he misses sleeping with you, he misses that intimacy with you (both the sex and probalby just the closeness of having you in bed next to him), and you are basically telling him that his needs don't matter and you're not inclined to try anything else to address the issue. If he does divorce you, that will be the core reason, sleeping in separate rooms is just how it plays out.

Anonymous wrote:Just focusing on the sleeping part of things I think your DH is being silly. My DH and I sleep separately because we both snore and drive each other nuts with it. We don’t advertise it though because people might think it was weird or a sign of marital trouble. In our case we are very happy and our bedroom is still OUR room but we have an extra bed in our home office and one of us will go sleep in there when they go to sleep. It’s really just for sleeping. Neither of us like to snuggle while actually trying to sleep unless it’s for a nap or something so it’s not much different except we don’t hear each other snore.

He is not being silly. He is entitled to his feelings on his marriage. Don't discount them.

Nor do I discount OP's need for sleep. She needs a sleep study. Address the issue, not the symptoms.

Anonymous wrote:Since when is 1 x/week not having sex? I think that's pretty average for couples with young kids (according to related threads on DCUM).

Op said in her first post that it was 1-2 times per month. Big difference between 1/week and 1/month.

No reason for divorce. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/sleeping-apart-relationships_us_583358a1e4b030997bc0c643

Since when is 1 x/week not having sex? I think that's pretty average for couples with young kids (according to related threads on DCUM).

Anonymous wrote:OP here, honestly I've never had a really strong libido and even pre-kids 1x/week was enough for me. (And DH knew this.) Does that mean I should not have gotten married (to anyone)? Don't people vary a lot in their sex drive?

If you’re not having sex you’re just friends. Why get married at all?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Increase the frequency of sex and his fears might vanish. Also, be sure to cuddle each night even if no sex and don’t go to your bedroom until you are actually falling asleep. Don’t go there and read, watch tv, or futz around on your phone.

+1. I suspect his real concern is the sex life. You sleeping badly next to him won't improve it in any case. If you jump him regularly, I'll bet he stops being worried about where you sleep.

I also thought this sounds like the real problem. Also, get treatment for the depression and anxiety. You don't have to go through life like this.