Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:35     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:

No remorse. No guilt. He thinks our live is perfect. And I quote: “this is as good as it gets and I want nothing more.”

All the while I am crying and telling him I want to commit suicide. That was a month ago though.


I am having a tough time reconciling this with your assertion that he is "really kind and loving." Kind and loving people do not treat their partners like this. They do not treat their kids like this. Heck, they don't treat anyone like this. What you just described is beyond selfish and incredibly cruel. Get out. Move to be near your mom and your old friends. Take the kids. Be with people who love and support you. You deserve it.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:33     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I read your post and didn't see where you all have had discussions about this - what's been the outcome when you've actually talked about it? I used to work for an events promotion company so I am familiar. This was long before I was married with kids and it would never have been sustainable with my current family situation. But it was very cool. Does he ever express guilt or loss for missing out on his kids' lives or otherwise talk about how he sees his family life right now? Or do you think he feels like he's pulling his weight because he handles their mornings? That's a big missing piece of this equation for me and hampers any advice I might give. I will say I've dealt with my DH's job being WAY less than ideal and felt like I was pulling way more weight at home to the point where I fantasized about leaving as well, but my DH was equally miserable in that equation and motivated to change, and eventually things got better.


No remorse. No guilt. He thinks our live is perfect. And I quote: “this is as good as it gets and I want nothing more.”

All the while I am crying and telling him I want to commit suicide. That was a month ago though.


Of course he thinks that - HIS life is perfect! He gets to live his dream job everyday and have someone else take care of him and everything around him. Who wouldn't want that? I would. And if you took that safety net away, how would he feel?
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:29     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:You said the job has great perks?

Are you referring to him getting to sleep all day and then watch the game every night? Does he drink with his buddies at the arena? Is that why 8 hours of work turns into 11 hours a night?


Yes. He gets paid to schmooze.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:29     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:I read your post and didn't see where you all have had discussions about this - what's been the outcome when you've actually talked about it? I used to work for an events promotion company so I am familiar. This was long before I was married with kids and it would never have been sustainable with my current family situation. But it was very cool. Does he ever express guilt or loss for missing out on his kids' lives or otherwise talk about how he sees his family life right now? Or do you think he feels like he's pulling his weight because he handles their mornings? That's a big missing piece of this equation for me and hampers any advice I might give. I will say I've dealt with my DH's job being WAY less than ideal and felt like I was pulling way more weight at home to the point where I fantasized about leaving as well, but my DH was equally miserable in that equation and motivated to change, and eventually things got better.


No remorse. No guilt. He thinks our live is perfect. And I quote: “this is as good as it gets and I want nothing more.”

All the while I am crying and telling him I want to commit suicide. That was a month ago though.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:27     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
You said the job has great perks?

Are you referring to him getting to sleep all day and then watch the game every night? Does he drink with his buddies at the arena? Is that why 8 hours of work turns into 11 hours a night?
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:27     Subject: Re:DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say move - and stay married.

You want your support system as your husband's job doesn't allow for it. You tell husband that you want to sell the house and move closer to mom. He shouldn't really care where he lives given that he's on tour or whatever for his job. It's HIS dream that you're supporting - great. But doesn't mean that YOUR dreams shouldn't have some room to grow.

Sell house in orderly manner and move; hopefully you'll have some money and mom's support to get a job fairly quickly and find more permanent housing.

Live there and love your husband as you do now. Get more free time for yourself with your moms/friends support and carve out a life for yourself. After the worldwide tour that is your husband's job fades over time he will have more time for you and kids.

You're happ(ier) - he's happy that you're not unhappy. Kids' relationship is what he prioritizes from there on in and what you assist with and make schedules for.


I like this idea. And if not, sister wives.



OP here: I think about sister wives all the time. Not the whole creepy sexual partner thing. But the whole concept that two women with shitty husbands could just.... be happy together.


I'm confused. You think about sharing a single husband with multiple women? Or you think about two women with two separate husbands...what, living together?


The latter- without living together but sharing the load of motherhood together.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:08     Subject: Re:DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say move - and stay married.

You want your support system as your husband's job doesn't allow for it. You tell husband that you want to sell the house and move closer to mom. He shouldn't really care where he lives given that he's on tour or whatever for his job. It's HIS dream that you're supporting - great. But doesn't mean that YOUR dreams shouldn't have some room to grow.

Sell house in orderly manner and move; hopefully you'll have some money and mom's support to get a job fairly quickly and find more permanent housing.

Live there and love your husband as you do now. Get more free time for yourself with your moms/friends support and carve out a life for yourself. After the worldwide tour that is your husband's job fades over time he will have more time for you and kids.

You're happ(ier) - he's happy that you're not unhappy. Kids' relationship is what he prioritizes from there on in and what you assist with and make schedules for.


I like this idea. And if not, sister wives.



OP here: I think about sister wives all the time. Not the whole creepy sexual partner thing. But the whole concept that two women with shitty husbands could just.... be happy together.


I'm confused. You think about sharing a single husband with multiple women? Or you think about two women with two separate husbands...what, living together?
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 13:08     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
I read your post and didn't see where you all have had discussions about this - what's been the outcome when you've actually talked about it? I used to work for an events promotion company so I am familiar. This was long before I was married with kids and it would never have been sustainable with my current family situation. But it was very cool. Does he ever express guilt or loss for missing out on his kids' lives or otherwise talk about how he sees his family life right now? Or do you think he feels like he's pulling his weight because he handles their mornings? That's a big missing piece of this equation for me and hampers any advice I might give. I will say I've dealt with my DH's job being WAY less than ideal and felt like I was pulling way more weight at home to the point where I fantasized about leaving as well, but my DH was equally miserable in that equation and motivated to change, and eventually things got better.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 12:58     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what's his future look like? Is it possible that within a certain time frame, he can use this job as a springboard to something similar but with better hours?


NOPE. It gets worse as you go up. I met his boss one day: he's divorced and works ALL THE TIME.

It's like destiny in this line of work.


And the pay stays low. You need to divorce. My BIL has a similar job but he is independently wealthy and single/never married without kids.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 12:58     Subject: Re:DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say move - and stay married.

You want your support system as your husband's job doesn't allow for it. You tell husband that you want to sell the house and move closer to mom. He shouldn't really care where he lives given that he's on tour or whatever for his job. It's HIS dream that you're supporting - great. But doesn't mean that YOUR dreams shouldn't have some room to grow.

Sell house in orderly manner and move; hopefully you'll have some money and mom's support to get a job fairly quickly and find more permanent housing.

Live there and love your husband as you do now. Get more free time for yourself with your moms/friends support and carve out a life for yourself. After the worldwide tour that is your husband's job fades over time he will have more time for you and kids.

You're happ(ier) - he's happy that you're not unhappy. Kids' relationship is what he prioritizes from there on in and what you assist with and make schedules for.


I like this idea. And if not, sister wives.



OP here: I think about sister wives all the time. Not the whole creepy sexual partner thing. But the whole concept that two women with shitty husbands could just.... be happy together.


This is my real sister and me. We both have kids, share driving them around, free babysitting (even overnights) out for drinks, etc. we both have separate homes so we have space.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 12:56     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
What kind of cancer is stress induced?
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 12:56     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
I would do the following:

1) tell him you are all moving and selling the house to be closer to your mom
2) tell him you want to start couples counseling immediately
3) reassess after 6 months on divorce. But if things haven’t changed after 6 months of counseling, say you want to separate and make sure he gets partial custody.

You and your children all deserve someone who is actually interested in spending time with you.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 12:55     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I can't help you until I know what this job is. Those are bartender hours but bartenders don't travel for work.

Ultimately, I think you need to present to him similarly to how you presented it here and leave it in his lap:

I love you. I love that you love your job. I don't want to take that from you but I can't continue to live this way. I don't feel right asking you to leave your job for a more traditional job, so I think we need to divorce for my health and for the well-being of our children. See how he responds.


He's not a bartender: he handles PR in sports. Which you assume, hey, normal hours. NOPE. And shit pay. Because it's a dream job.

But I like what your wrote. Most of the stuff up here has been reasonable. Go DCUM.


NP here - I was assuming your DH worked for WWE, since those shows go on multiple times per week year round. And there is tons of travel. So it sounds like I wasn't too far off.


OP: Very close.

But still shitty!
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 12:55     Subject: DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
I vote B.
Anonymous
Post 06/27/2018 12:54     Subject: Re:DCUM- you're my only hope. Well...no but here I am anyway.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I say move - and stay married.

You want your support system as your husband's job doesn't allow for it. You tell husband that you want to sell the house and move closer to mom. He shouldn't really care where he lives given that he's on tour or whatever for his job. It's HIS dream that you're supporting - great. But doesn't mean that YOUR dreams shouldn't have some room to grow.

Sell house in orderly manner and move; hopefully you'll have some money and mom's support to get a job fairly quickly and find more permanent housing.

Live there and love your husband as you do now. Get more free time for yourself with your moms/friends support and carve out a life for yourself. After the worldwide tour that is your husband's job fades over time he will have more time for you and kids.

You're happ(ier) - he's happy that you're not unhappy. Kids' relationship is what he prioritizes from there on in and what you assist with and make schedules for.


I like this idea. And if not, sister wives.



OP here: I think about sister wives all the time. Not the whole creepy sexual partner thing. But the whole concept that two women with shitty husbands could just.... be happy together.