Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the classic bait and switch done in some relationships. Listen to what she is telling you about how she believes she should manage your relationship. Some people believe that they should tell you what you want to hear, and then do differently when they hook you.

I would not compromise on this and would not marry her.

It happens in many marriages. Ranging from kids, money to staying faithful. Many do the bait and switch.

Yep, and its still not right.

Most people are too immature to get married. They also mistake lust for love, why there are so many divorces. The fact that OP is already living with someone that may not want kids shows he should stay single for sometime. They moved too fast and really have no clue about each other.

I don't think OP knows how many kids he wants. There are reasons some couples never have anymore after 1 fyi!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think expecting someone to agree to or ending a relationship over someone not wanting 3-4 kids is unreasonable.

But kids vs. no kids? That needs to be discussed and preferably agreed upon.

If she is truly on the fence 0 vs. 1 represents a real, fair compromise. That's what DH and I did. It has worked very well.

Do not do this. She will end up like the weirdo on here who is always posting how she hates having kids but wanted to keep her husband so she had them and he does everything. It is so effed up.

YUP. This exactly

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a high earner? Would she SAH? I would never agree to 3-4 kids without both SAH AND money for outsourcing. We stopped at 2 for this reason. And DH and I both wanted 4 until we had 1. Then we decided to stop at 2.

OP here. She doesn’t want to SAH. We both earn a good income ( HHi together is 300k). I’m an only child and always wanted a big family because it gets lonely. I’ve always wished I had sibilinga to share my childhood experiences with and a built-in best friend. We did talk last night and she said the thought of having that many kids ina shirt time worries her, and makes her feel like I won’t be happy if she/we can’t do that. She does want kids, but max of 2, and I’ve decided to compromise. Hearing your stories made me realize I may not want 4 when I have 1-2 and realize how hard it is. All is good.

You sound like you've idealized a lot of siblings. Having a sibling isn't always "a built-in best friend." I have two siblings, but we were never best friends growing up. We shared some experiences, but we also shared other things - such as parental attention and physical space - that made those relationships tense at times. Your kids may not have anything in common with each other and may actually not get along. That is just as likely as being built-in best friends.

Two kids is a good number of kids, particularly when you are living in a very high COL area such as DC. If you have 3 kids in daycare, you will likely be paying at least $3000/mo in childcare costs, possibly closer to $5000/mo. You may have a good income, but that's a lot of money, and even $1000 less would be significant for most people on a monthly basis.

Why do you want to bring 3-4 kids into this world? Do you own a farm?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her (i) you won't marry her til she's 6 months pregnant and (ii) she has to get pregnant in the next 4 months. Otherwise walk. Your life is too short to waste your time with her. (Nothing wrong with her, mind you; she's just wrong for you.)

Are you a fertility expert?

Yes, in fact I am. I'm sure I've fertilized more women than you have.

I’m a woman so that’s not a huge comparison in your favor. Write back when you get pregnant at 32.

So you wanted 3-4 kids based on a longing for a sibling as an only child? You have some growing up to do, OP. Glad DCUM was able to keep you from making the biggest mistake of your life.

My husband was kind of on the fence on kids initially (as in, not feeling strongly one way or another) and I felt I wanted one child. He agreed, we got married and had a kid. Once we had the one, it's like the baby floodgates opened for him - he is madly in love with our kid, was immediately talking about trying for a second before the first was even out of the newborn phase, and now that we're expecting the second in a few months, he's already talking wistfully about a possible third (uh, NO). I would've been happy with just one. Go figure.

Anonymous wrote:Are you a high earner? Would she SAH? I would never agree to 3-4 kids without both SAH AND money for outsourcing. We stopped at 2 for this reason. And DH and I both wanted 4 until we had 1. Then we decided to stop at 2.

OP here. She doesn’t want to SAH. We both earn a good income ( HHi together is 300k). I’m an only child and always wanted a big family because it gets lonely. I’ve always wished I had sibilinga to share my childhood experiences with and a built-in best friend. We did talk last night and she said the thought of having that many kids ina shirt time worries her, and makes her feel like I won’t be happy if she/we can’t do that. She does want kids, but max of 2, and I’ve decided to compromise. Hearing your stories made me realize I may not want 4 when I have 1-2 and realize how hard it is. All is good.

Are you a high earner? Would she SAH? I would never agree to 3-4 kids without both SAH AND money for outsourcing. We stopped at 2 for this reason. And DH and I both wanted 4 until we had 1. Then we decided to stop at 2.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You probably scared her off with the 3-4 kids wish.

This is what I think. My partner and I are on basically the same page with the idea of two, maybe backtracking to one if that seems like all we can handle. If he sprung the idea on me that he wouldn't feel a family was complete without three to four and was pretty adamant about it, I would be really freaked out and might walk. As the PP said, that's basically back to back pregnancies in my 30s and a very, very high chance my career would take a major hit I would not be comfortable with. Luckily, he is one of five and doesn't idealize larger families at ALL, so that's unlikely. But I can totally see why she would start towing the "maybe none" thing if she thinks your fixed on a higher number.

+1

Have you explored more about what she means by sacrifice? As other posters have said, I would be worried about having 3-4 pregnancies. I was nervous about my first pregnancy because it seemed all my co-workers were having serious complications, pre-eclampsia, another had the baby at 25 weeks (and thankfully the baby survived), another had early contractions and they had to do something at the hospital to prevent pre-term labor. I don’t think there is anything a man goes thru that compares to this. Although modern medicine is exponentially better today than it was 100 years ago, there is still risk to bring a new life into the world. I couldn’t imagine 3-4 back to back pregnancies in my 30’s.

Then what does it look like with 3-4 kids? Is she going to SAH? Would you? How does that shift the marriage dynamic? Can you afford help and to outsource? If your kids are in daycare, what happens when they call because your child has a fever every time she is teething so per policy a fever means she has to be picked up? What do you do when kids are older and they have to be 3 different places at once? I’m not saying it can’t be done but folks I know with 3 kids and both parents work full-time, they typically have an au pair or nanny, family that helps, mom or dad stayed at home for a few years when they were younger, they have flexible jobs where they work from home, there is a big age gap somewhere like the kindergartener has a sibling in 6th grade or its some combination of these things. I think past two kids you need to have an intentional plan on how your lifestyle can accommodate it and still stay sane and with your marriage in tact.

gentry wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her (i) you won't marry her til she's 6 months pregnant and (ii) she has to get pregnant in the next 4 months. Otherwise walk. Your life is too short to waste your time with her. (Nothing wrong with her, mind you; she's just wrong for you.)

Are you a fertility expert?

Yes, in fact I am. I'm sure I've fertilized more women than you have.

And there’s the “surprise” gem of this thread.

You're making me blush.

End it now. I was not sure I wanted kids. I told DH and asked if it was a dealbreaker. He said no, so I married him. A year after marriage he would not stop pressuring me to get off the pill. I felt lied to. We had sex once off the pill. Instant pregnancy. We have two kids and a loveless, sexless marriage. I think divorce will happen. You are not compatible. Someone will compromise, then become resentful, which will destroy it all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think expecting someone to agree to or ending a relationship over someone not wanting 3-4 kids is unreasonable.

But kids vs. no kids? That needs to be discussed and preferably agreed upon.

If she is truly on the fence 0 vs. 1 represents a real, fair compromise. That's what DH and I did. It has worked very well.

Do not do this. She will end up like the weirdo on here who is always posting how she hates having kids but wanted to keep her husband so she had them and he does everything. It is so effed up.

I wish that others would not be so harsh on that woman. I think it’s probably pretty important to her that she has an anonymous space in which to voice those feelings, and let them out. And she serves as a really important example for people like OP’s girlfriend, who otherwise might fall for the old canard, “It’s different when they’re your own.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her (i) you won't marry her til she's 6 months pregnant and (ii) she has to get pregnant in the next 4 months. Otherwise walk. Your life is too short to waste your time with her. (Nothing wrong with her, mind you; she's just wrong for you.)

Are you a fertility expert?

Yes, in fact I am. I'm sure I've fertilized more women than you have.

And there’s the “surprise” gem of this thread.

Anonymous wrote:I think expecting someone to agree to or ending a relationship over someone not wanting 3-4 kids is unreasonable.

But kids vs. no kids? That needs to be discussed and preferably agreed upon.

If she is truly on the fence 0 vs. 1 represents a real, fair compromise. That's what DH and I did. It has worked very well.

Do not do this. She will end up like the weirdo on here who is always posting how she hates having kids but wanted to keep her husband so she had them and he does everything. It is so effed up.