Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:57     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.


+1

Why on earth are you leaving your child with them, OP?


Agreed. I would not do this. I have sent my DC’s off with my ILs for a week at a time, a plane ride away, with only the briefest of instructions bc they know my kids and can be trusted. My parents OTOH... have never watched my kids for the time it takes me to get a shower. I simply don’t trust them, they have poor judgement and can’t physically handle the kids. The fact that your MIL can’t bend just a little also would give me pause.
Make other plans, OP, and make them now. I hope to heck your DH is aligned with you on this.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:57     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mom of three here. I went through my anxiety ridden initial years, and yes, there were times I overreacted and should have just chilled. MIL and I can laugh about that now.

But in this case? No. It's one thing to leave a baby to go away, but it's another for that 13 month old to not only be taken from her parents but also her home and routine. Everything would be a stress to me, from the installation of the car seat the in laws would be using to the baby proofing of the second home they are using. (Are there gates on the stairs? Sharp objects and household items put away? Covers on the outlets and heavy furniture mounted properly so it doesn't topple?)

I agree with pp - say thank you SO MUCH, we are so GRATEFUL. However, if you can't agree to keep the baby in the home, then we are going to hire a nanny so she can keep to her regular daycare routine and toys. We feel that would be best for DD. Can't wait to have y'all over for a nice visit with DD when we get back.

Thing is, I wouldn't trust a nanny I hadn't used a long time either (background check, knows my routine, has established trust). I have never left my children for overnights with anyone other than family.


The other option is also family - just family she hasn't spent as much time with.


PP. Then I would chose that option. Better to ask family she hasn't spent as much time with - that you trust! - in your own home and in her regular routine than the in laws in this circumstance.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:57     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
OP might be anxious, but her wishes regarding her child should be respected.

OP, if I were you, I'd go with what the 2nd poster said. If they won't go along with daycare, then I wouldn't go on the trip. I know you said it isn't an option, but it absolutely is. You can choose not to go. Your family will just have to be disappointed.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:56     Subject: Re:How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So instead of leaving her with people she knows and dealing with an altered schedule you'd rather leave her with a total stranger (babysitter or nanny)? THAT makes no sense.


+1 (now there are 3 of us)


The other option is also family. I'm not going to hire a random person to watch my 13 month old.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:55     Subject: Re:How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
OP, you should cancel your trip. DH can go alone and you can stay at home with the baby.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:55     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:Mom of three here. I went through my anxiety ridden initial years, and yes, there were times I overreacted and should have just chilled. MIL and I can laugh about that now.

But in this case? No. It's one thing to leave a baby to go away, but it's another for that 13 month old to not only be taken from her parents but also her home and routine. Everything would be a stress to me, from the installation of the car seat the in laws would be using to the baby proofing of the second home they are using. (Are there gates on the stairs? Sharp objects and household items put away? Covers on the outlets and heavy furniture mounted properly so it doesn't topple?)

I agree with pp - say thank you SO MUCH, we are so GRATEFUL. However, if you can't agree to keep the baby in the home, then we are going to hire a nanny so she can keep to her regular daycare routine and toys. We feel that would be best for DD. Can't wait to have y'all over for a nice visit with DD when we get back.

Thing is, I wouldn't trust a nanny I hadn't used a long time either (background check, knows my routine, has established trust). I have never left my children for overnights with anyone other than family.


The other option is also family - just family she hasn't spent as much time with.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:55     Subject: Re:How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:So instead of leaving her with people she knows and dealing with an altered schedule you'd rather leave her with a total stranger (babysitter or nanny)? THAT makes no sense.


+1 (now there are 3 of us)
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:54     Subject: Re:How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. Much less someone I didn't trust. This trip will be a disaster, OP. Don't do it.


LOL. The baby is in day care all day!


Did you read the OPs post? The inlaws don't want the baby in daycare.


You're missing my point. You're saying you wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. The OP has baby in day care every day. She obviously does leave the baby with others. How does she explain to them why she feels perfectly fine to leave the baby in day care all day but isn't comfortable leaving her with her own grandparents?

Remember, DH asked them to do it. So it's not like the granparents are so awful and untrustworthy that it didn't occur to either parent to have these grandparents watch the baby.



Because daycare is paid to do what OP wants and her inlaws refuse to do anything OP's way even the slightest. The inlaws don't even care about bed times. I'm pretty laid back, but even I know all kids are better with a consistent bed time.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:54     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:You and your ILs are being unreasonable. It is unreasonable to insist on taking someone's child to a different location against their wishes, I'm sorry. And OP, you are probably more anxious than you need to be...but your instinct that your kid will deal with the separation better in her own environment is probably true. A little grandparent spoiling and change of pace is fine...1 week in an unfamiliar place is hard for a 1y.o. with their parents. Have your ILs cared overnight for your kid before?

All of that said, you are the parent...so your comfort level trumps your ILs'. If they won't care for your kid in the way you want, find someone else. There is no negotiating here, since they've already indicated they are unwilling to provide care in a manner you will be comfortable with.


yes, they've had her overnight. we were going to do one more weekend away when they had her to help her get comfortable. Now I'm wondering if we should set that up with another caretaker.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:54     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Mom of three here. I went through my anxiety ridden initial years, and yes, there were times I overreacted and should have just chilled. MIL and I can laugh about that now.

But in this case? No. It's one thing to leave a baby to go away, but it's another for that 13 month old to not only be taken from her parents but also her home and routine. Everything would be a stress to me, from the installation of the car seat the in laws would be using to the baby proofing of the second home they are using. (Are there gates on the stairs? Sharp objects and household items put away? Covers on the outlets and heavy furniture mounted properly so it doesn't topple?)

I agree with pp - say thank you SO MUCH, we are so GRATEFUL. However, if you can't agree to keep the baby in the home, then we are going to hire a nanny so she can keep to her regular daycare routine and toys. We feel that would be best for DD. Can't wait to have y'all over for a nice visit with DD when we get back.

Thing is, I wouldn't trust a nanny I hadn't used a long time either (background check, knows my routine, has established trust). I have never left my children for overnights with anyone other than family.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:53     Subject: Re:How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So instead of leaving her with people she knows and dealing with an altered schedule you'd rather leave her with a total stranger (babysitter or nanny)? THAT makes no sense.


No she'd be in daycare for presumably 8 hours a day still and being in her own home, her own crib with her own toys. I have left my DD with my parents when she was 1 and I wouldn't have wanted them taking her on a trip out of state. For one, if something happens, it's a different pediatrician.

OP you also need to sign a medical waiver to give your inlaws permission to take her and treat her in case of emergency.


Thanks for the heads up re: medical waiver!

And I wouldn't choose a total stranger.
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:53     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You sound reasonable. I wouldn’t negotiate and just tell them it won’t work for you. Find someone else. You aren’t going to relax with them watching her.


Of course she won't. Because she's an anxious person!! She's not going to relax no matter who takes care of the baby.


I have had others care for her and have relaxed. I leave her in daycare everyday! She's been with my mother, a doula, and sitters. It is specifically the length of time and the caretakers that worry me. And goodness - yes I AM an anxious person! I'm not trying to say that I'm not. But anxiety doesn't make everything you think automatically unreasonable. I work hard to try and sort out what is anxiety and what is valid parental concern.

I just feel that this trip would be better for everyone if DD was in daycare during the week. I would love to cancel, but my sister is getting married. DH wants to come on the international trip and he is part of the family. I think our marriage will benefit from the alone time.


I would take your DD on the trip. 1 year olds travel well!
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:52     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:I think it’s reasonable for you not to want them looking after her and taking her out of state. But tbh I wouldn’t have planned a trip wo my kid in these circumstances.


+1

Why on earth are you leaving your child with them, OP?
Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:52     Subject: Re:How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. Much less someone I didn't trust. This trip will be a disaster, OP. Don't do it.


LOL. The baby is in day care all day!


Did you read the OPs post? The inlaws don't want the baby in daycare.


You're missing my point. You're saying you wouldn't leave a one year old for a week with anyone. The OP has baby in day care every day. She obviously does leave the baby with others. How does she explain to them why she feels perfectly fine to leave the baby in day care all day but isn't comfortable leaving her with her own grandparents?

Remember, DH asked them to do it. So it's not like the granparents are so awful and untrustworthy that it didn't occur to either parent to have these grandparents watch the baby.

Anonymous
Post 06/25/2018 16:52     Subject: How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?
You and your ILs are being unreasonable. It is unreasonable to insist on taking someone's child to a different location against their wishes, I'm sorry. And OP, you are probably more anxious than you need to be...but your instinct that your kid will deal with the separation better in her own environment is probably true. A little grandparent spoiling and change of pace is fine...1 week in an unfamiliar place is hard for a 1y.o. with their parents. Have your ILs cared overnight for your kid before?

All of that said, you are the parent...so your comfort level trumps your ILs'. If they won't care for your kid in the way you want, find someone else. There is no negotiating here, since they've already indicated they are unwilling to provide care in a manner you will be comfortable with.