Anonymous
06/24/2018 05:19
Subject: Re:Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
OP here. It's not that I'm a doormat; in my career, as a parent, and as a friend I have good boundaries and am assertive and confident.
I'm just grieving and freaked out, not understanding how I married a smart public interest lawyer who lived a normal life, how we *had* a normal life, and it's gone for reasons beyond my control. The fact that he really could fix it makes me want him to. The fact that he's unilaterally taken away what we had makes me lose sleep. I'm unused to problems that are totally beyond my control.
The gaslighting feels so crazy and unrealistic that I'm having a hard time even processing it. It's so far from my experience I'm expecting him to come home from therapy one day and say he figured out the truth- that his depression and having his life become so narrow warped his perspective.
I am going to figure out an exit path, but I'm not ready to start down it because there is no earthly reason this person I married shouldn't come back.
But if he doesn't seem to be on his way back by the end of the year, I'll have to pull the plug.
Extremely sad about all of this.
Tired of no sex, too. I get hit on a lot and don't act on it. Boy would I like to blow off steam, though.
I'm just grieving and freaked out, not understanding how I married a smart public interest lawyer who lived a normal life, how we *had* a normal life, and it's gone for reasons beyond my control. The fact that he really could fix it makes me want him to. The fact that he's unilaterally taken away what we had makes me lose sleep. I'm unused to problems that are totally beyond my control.
The gaslighting feels so crazy and unrealistic that I'm having a hard time even processing it. It's so far from my experience I'm expecting him to come home from therapy one day and say he figured out the truth- that his depression and having his life become so narrow warped his perspective.
I am going to figure out an exit path, but I'm not ready to start down it because there is no earthly reason this person I married shouldn't come back.
But if he doesn't seem to be on his way back by the end of the year, I'll have to pull the plug.
Extremely sad about all of this.
Tired of no sex, too. I get hit on a lot and don't act on it. Boy would I like to blow off steam, though.
Anonymous
06/24/2018 02:12
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
This discussion should be closed, everyone has clearly stated the ridiculous situation that you are in, but it seems you’d rather play victim than put your big girl panties on and do what is best for you and your child. The only thing worse than having one depressed parent, is two depressed parents.
Your being gas lighted and your last post sounds like you need to grow up. Your husband who has not had a job in several years and put your family in dire financial state, is able to so easily manipulate you in a discussion that you’re still asking what you can do to help help and can take you upset because he implies that you’ve never cared???
From your responses, it sounds like you’re going to let yourself be stuck in this situation for at least another decade. If that’s the case, stop whining, get used to your new normal, and look for low-budget / poor people vacations to fill your need for a vacation.
I hate to sound so harsh, but no one can help you until you make the decision that you and your child are “worth it”.
Your being gas lighted and your last post sounds like you need to grow up. Your husband who has not had a job in several years and put your family in dire financial state, is able to so easily manipulate you in a discussion that you’re still asking what you can do to help help and can take you upset because he implies that you’ve never cared???
From your responses, it sounds like you’re going to let yourself be stuck in this situation for at least another decade. If that’s the case, stop whining, get used to your new normal, and look for low-budget / poor people vacations to fill your need for a vacation.
I hate to sound so harsh, but no one can help you until you make the decision that you and your child are “worth it”.
Anonymous
06/24/2018 01:56
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to you, OP.
You need to divorce. Maybe that will be the impetus for your DH to deal with his depression. At this point, you are just enabling him to wallow and do nothing.
Cut the cord. Seriously. It would be one thing if his therapist felt that your DH could not work and is disabled, if that was the case then at least he would collect disability.
Divorce for your own sanity. Do you want to support him forever?
Thank you.
We had a big discussion this morning that left me feeling defeated, sad, and unloved. I have been trying so hard and he's decided I'm evil or unsupportive. I told him his well being was my number one priority, that our family depended upon his getting on his feet and feeling happy and fulfilled. He said that meant I was saying nothing at all is wrong with me.
I calmly told him I'm well aware I'm imperfect and that we will relate much better, though, when he feels he has good things in his life generally, which makes for a better outlook. He described our relationship, which is not all that close now that he has isolated himself and has very little to say about his day, his interests, as 90% of his life, and posited that if I am focusimg my energy on his getting a job, interests, and friendships then I'm saying he's a problem and I'm great. I'm not. It's just that he's in dire shape.
He also accused me of never making time for him; it's simply not true but since I work normal work hours, plus some extra work to help our financial situation, I'm gone about as much as an ordinary working person - which could feel like abandonment if you're always at home. But I only travel like two days per month for work, and with one teenager this doesn't put much on his plate.
Anyway, he wanted about having nothing in his life and laid that at my feet, though I pointed out that I really want him to have everything including us. I asked if he wanted me to stop trying to encourage him to see friends and find activities that bolster his mood for the job search, and if so how I could support him.
He said he didn't trust what I was saying about wanting his happiness because he feels I never have. I don't know what to say about that. I've always done everything I can to be supportive, even as his not working has made me anxious and sleepless and affected my health and our future.
I feel like all of my love and effort has been wasted on a sick and selfish jerk.
He sounds like a giant, pathetic, self-victimizing loser and you sound like a doormat.
Quit complaining and leave the selfish jerk. You're playing right into his manipulation. He's gaslighting you something fierce. You might want to pick up some self-help books on abuse.
Anonymous
06/24/2018 01:53
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
OP, you must know the answer is divorce. Yet you come up with excuses not to. That’s on you. He sounds like a master manipulator and as a supposedly depressed lay about for nearly 3 years running he’s setting a terrible example for your daughter. Time to make a move. Besides, divorce takes time. Selling and dividing assets takes time. Get the ball rolling and your daughter will most likely be able to finish high school where she’s at.
Anonymous
06/23/2018 23:10
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
OP,
Leave him already, so you can take that vacation.
Leave him already, so you can take that vacation.
Anonymous
06/23/2018 14:19
Subject: Re:Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Depressed or not, being unemployed and not doing his share around the house is just plain disrespectful.
Time to cut ties OP. He's not going to get better. It's the life HE wants. You make a life for yourself and your kid now before it's too late.
Just saying, vacations and eating out isn't important.
Time to cut ties OP. He's not going to get better. It's the life HE wants. You make a life for yourself and your kid now before it's too late.
Just saying, vacations and eating out isn't important.
Anonymous
06/23/2018 13:11
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
OP, seriously, get someone in your life to be a professional touchstone. Someone removed from the situation who can tell you this is damaging and unhealthy -- if it is -- and help you figure out the next step forward. And I think you need to talk with someone else about what the legal process of separation and possible divorce would look like for you.
Depression in men, for whatever reason, is often turned outward as anger and bitterness. If you are not making things better for him (or if he cannot see that you are), then your staying is not helping him, you, or the kid.
Don't have an affair. Get yourself to a safe, quiet space where you can shut the door and breathe. Then you can think more clearly. For some that means a separation now, but maybe there is a friend or family member you can visit? Just to get away and think clearly?
Good luck. As humans, we tend to make change only when it is more painful not to. Only you will know when you get there.
Depression in men, for whatever reason, is often turned outward as anger and bitterness. If you are not making things better for him (or if he cannot see that you are), then your staying is not helping him, you, or the kid.
Don't have an affair. Get yourself to a safe, quiet space where you can shut the door and breathe. Then you can think more clearly. For some that means a separation now, but maybe there is a friend or family member you can visit? Just to get away and think clearly?
Good luck. As humans, we tend to make change only when it is more painful not to. Only you will know when you get there.
Anonymous
06/23/2018 13:04
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Anonymous wrote:Big hugs to you, OP.
You need to divorce. Maybe that will be the impetus for your DH to deal with his depression. At this point, you are just enabling him to wallow and do nothing.
Cut the cord. Seriously. It would be one thing if his therapist felt that your DH could not work and is disabled, if that was the case then at least he would collect disability.
Divorce for your own sanity. Do you want to support him forever?
Thank you.
We had a big discussion this morning that left me feeling defeated, sad, and unloved. I have been trying so hard and he's decided I'm evil or unsupportive. I told him his well being was my number one priority, that our family depended upon his getting on his feet and feeling happy and fulfilled. He said that meant I was saying nothing at all is wrong with me.
I calmly told him I'm well aware I'm imperfect and that we will relate much better, though, when he feels he has good things in his life generally, which makes for a better outlook. He described our relationship, which is not all that close now that he has isolated himself and has very little to say about his day, his interests, as 90% of his life, and posited that if I am focusimg my energy on his getting a job, interests, and friendships then I'm saying he's a problem and I'm great. I'm not. It's just that he's in dire shape.
He also accused me of never making time for him; it's simply not true but since I work normal work hours, plus some extra work to help our financial situation, I'm gone about as much as an ordinary working person - which could feel like abandonment if you're always at home. But I only travel like two days per month for work, and with one teenager this doesn't put much on his plate.
Anyway, he wanted about having nothing in his life and laid that at my feet, though I pointed out that I really want him to have everything including us. I asked if he wanted me to stop trying to encourage him to see friends and find activities that bolster his mood for the job search, and if so how I could support him.
He said he didn't trust what I was saying about wanting his happiness because he feels I never have. I don't know what to say about that. I've always done everything I can to be supportive, even as his not working has made me anxious and sleepless and affected my health and our future.
I feel like all of my love and effort has been wasted on a sick and selfish jerk.
Anonymous
06/22/2018 19:07
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Big hugs to you, OP.
You need to divorce. Maybe that will be the impetus for your DH to deal with his depression. At this point, you are just enabling him to wallow and do nothing.
Cut the cord. Seriously. It would be one thing if his therapist felt that your DH could not work and is disabled, if that was the case then at least he would collect disability.
Divorce for your own sanity. Do you want to support him forever?
You need to divorce. Maybe that will be the impetus for your DH to deal with his depression. At this point, you are just enabling him to wallow and do nothing.
Cut the cord. Seriously. It would be one thing if his therapist felt that your DH could not work and is disabled, if that was the case then at least he would collect disability.
Divorce for your own sanity. Do you want to support him forever?
Anonymous
06/22/2018 18:47
Subject: Re:Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
This is OP. The source of his depression seems to be internal. We didn't have financial, health, or marital problems when his decline began. He stopped wanting sex, though. He's often sick and when he has so much as a stubbed toe or sniffle he won't do anything. He's always been like that.
I have done every single thing suggested here to help him, and more. I've nudged his close friends to reach out to him; come up with activities I know he likes and encouraged him to suggest things we can do with or for him. He doesn't lie in bed all day; he just won't work. I'll occasionally come home to find he's spent half the day researching new mobile service for us, though we didn't need to change it. When his relative was sick he showed real competence in helping him. He can work. His therapist says he can work. I've encouraged him to volunteer and he says he couldn't keep the commitment- though his therapist said it would be great for home.
We've had many conversations about how I can help. There's never anything. Except He told me not to ask him what he's got planned for the day because he feels bad not to have anything planned. I asked him to ask his therapist how I can help. He said he wouldn't do that. I asked if the therapist had any concerns about how I treat him or how I handle this and he said that's not an issue.
My friends have been telling me to give up on his ever working again. They're saying to leave him. I hadn't wanted to do that for my family's sake.
I am not perfect but I have no solutions. He just won't work, and that's the problem.
I'm depressed and I'm living up to my responsibilities. I don't have a choice. I don't see how anyone with a family could believe they have a choice about that.
I have done every single thing suggested here to help him, and more. I've nudged his close friends to reach out to him; come up with activities I know he likes and encouraged him to suggest things we can do with or for him. He doesn't lie in bed all day; he just won't work. I'll occasionally come home to find he's spent half the day researching new mobile service for us, though we didn't need to change it. When his relative was sick he showed real competence in helping him. He can work. His therapist says he can work. I've encouraged him to volunteer and he says he couldn't keep the commitment- though his therapist said it would be great for home.
We've had many conversations about how I can help. There's never anything. Except He told me not to ask him what he's got planned for the day because he feels bad not to have anything planned. I asked him to ask his therapist how I can help. He said he wouldn't do that. I asked if the therapist had any concerns about how I treat him or how I handle this and he said that's not an issue.
My friends have been telling me to give up on his ever working again. They're saying to leave him. I hadn't wanted to do that for my family's sake.
I am not perfect but I have no solutions. He just won't work, and that's the problem.
I'm depressed and I'm living up to my responsibilities. I don't have a choice. I don't see how anyone with a family could believe they have a choice about that.
Anonymous
06/22/2018 13:16
Subject: Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Anonymous wrote:The fact that you mentioned vacations twice and it's only been 3 years since you've taken one leads me to believe you're a selfish, entitled, out of touch jerk.
Your husband is fighting for his life. Figure it the f out, lady.
I'm with the poster. It sounds like you husband has sunk low, and could really use your continued support and understanding. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd like him to stick with you through thick and thin. Did we ever get to the root of the depression? It would help if you worked out with him, getting in shape is a good step to getting started. And a little resume polishing wouldn't hurt. I assume in the years you've been together, you've tried everything, but you have to jar him, and stay by his side (if possible). Again, things can be overwhelming, but I believe that's the wrong time to tuck tail and run.
This is your husband, and partner, let's see past this and get back to business. Get his fat ass to the gym, and get busy...
Anonymous
06/22/2018 11:46
Subject: Re:Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
There should be plenty of jobs for him. But since companies can hire cheap temporary workers from h1bs and l-1s they will not deal with your DH
Sorry our culture doesn’t care about people like your DH. He should go away
Sorry our culture doesn’t care about people like your DH. He should go away
Anonymous
06/22/2018 11:32
Subject: Re:Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Let go of the equity in the home. Rent in a different school district.
Kids adjust. I hate to say it but they do.
Let your DH have the equity, at least you will be free of him.
This is the OP. We would split equity if it came to that. I could not get a household started without my part.
You're right that I would have to rent in another district. There are no rentals I could afford here. Our home appreciated a lot in the past 15 years. I'm lucky to be here.
My husband isn't fighting for his life. He's not suicidal and hasn't been. He lost a job because he stopped trying and lied to me for months about it, taking away my opportunity to help him avoid this. After it happened I didn't yell, pinosh, or judge. I tried to help and be supportive, all while working at my job, sometimes yaking on consulting work, and doing the lion's share of parenting tasks.
His therapist says he can work. But he has refused to just get hourly work or something to help until a white collar job comes through. There are times when I come home from a 10-hour work day to find filthy dishes in the sink, all his.
And yet here I am, trying to keep us together. But I'm selfish because after being sole breadwinner and working myself to exhaustion for years, I'd like to spend a week in the Shenandoah or Outer Banks, swimming with my kid who hasn't had any special time in years either.
OP, I don’t think you are selfish but you seem to have your head in the sand. You got dealt a crappy hand. I don’t see your DH changing and nothing we say can change him for you. I think you have two choices:
1. Accept the current situation as-is and keep your house.
2. Divorce and move
Anonymous
06/22/2018 11:24
Subject: Re:Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Anonymous wrote:Let go of the equity in the home. Rent in a different school district.
Kids adjust. I hate to say it but they do.
Let your DH have the equity, at least you will be free of him.
This is the OP. We would split equity if it came to that. I could not get a household started without my part.
You're right that I would have to rent in another district. There are no rentals I could afford here. Our home appreciated a lot in the past 15 years. I'm lucky to be here.
My husband isn't fighting for his life. He's not suicidal and hasn't been. He lost a job because he stopped trying and lied to me for months about it, taking away my opportunity to help him avoid this. After it happened I didn't yell, pinosh, or judge. I tried to help and be supportive, all while working at my job, sometimes yaking on consulting work, and doing the lion's share of parenting tasks.
His therapist says he can work. But he has refused to just get hourly work or something to help until a white collar job comes through. There are times when I come home from a 10-hour work day to find filthy dishes in the sink, all his.
And yet here I am, trying to keep us together. But I'm selfish because after being sole breadwinner and working myself to exhaustion for years, I'd like to spend a week in the Shenandoah or Outer Banks, swimming with my kid who hasn't had any special time in years either.
Anonymous
06/22/2018 09:22
Subject: Re:Depressed, unemployed husband has me depressed
Let go of the equity in the home. Rent in a different school district.
Kids adjust. I hate to say it but they do.
Let your DH have the equity, at least you will be free of him.
Kids adjust. I hate to say it but they do.
Let your DH have the equity, at least you will be free of him.