Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

What you are describing is really only the early years. Maybe five, versus a lifetime of being a parent.

What she described isn’t everyone either. 3 kids and we have sex daily. Didn’t wait 6 weeks and we parent how we want so that meant sleep training early and tolerated zero tantrums. Being a nanny and being a parent is not related. It is your job, as a nanny, to “parent” how the parents want. Regardless, don’t have children because you sound dramatic and like you stereotype every relationship.

Yeah, you won’t deal with toddler tantrums if you “don’t tolerate them”. Gimme a break, PP. parenting can be a roller coaster ride; you never know what the temperament of you your kid will be and how it will mesh with yours. It can be hard, hard, hard. But it’s also so wonderful, too.

If you’re sure that you don’t want kids, OP, and he’s sure that he does want them, them there’s no compromise; you need to break up.

I think everyone is discussing and arguing against OP’s reasons for not wanting kids. She is right about everything. Perhaps she is wrong about the length of those phases and the extent, but she is not wrong.

What i have not read from anyone including OP is that she has no reasons for WANTING kids. None one loves stretch marks, weight gain, sleepless nights, decreased freedom, etc. what parents (usually) love is raising little people and share their love and experience while molding a little person. I always knew I wanted kids. She does NOT want kids. If we want to convince her that she is wrong, we should tell her how much more meaningful our lives are because of our kids, how much kshe we love we have in our lives and for our husbands despite the diminished sex, freedom, etc. she is right there are negatives too, but in my opinion they are soooo small when compared to the joy, happiness, and sense of fulfillment and purpose my kids bring me.

I'm a 46 year old nanny and SO HAPPY I didn't listen to people who told me it's a phase, etc. I'm so happy I didn't have kids! I've been with the same family for many years and get my kid fix st work, but full time kids is not for me. Do you!

I'm not going to try to talk you into wanting kids. It doesn't matter if your reasons are good or bad or accurate or inaccurate, or if you might change your mind or totally regret it. If you know right now you don't want kids, and it's not a super-recent change, then you need to break up with this guy. He might say he's willing to forgo kids now, but once the honeymoon phase passes, the odds are that he may regret his decision and resent you. Or he'll say he's okay with no kids, but secretly hope and expect you to change your mind. And that's not fair to anyone. So you need to break up, and the sooner the better.

Well...if you absolutely, definitely don't want them, end this now. Now. Don't put either of you through that torture. This isn't something you two can compromise on.

If you're kind of on the fence still, read the replies here. Everyone is right - having your own kids is very different than being a nanny.

I worked in a small daycare way back when and found toddlers absolutely EXHAUSTING. I sort of always planned to have kids but it gave me pause, and even up to the point where my daughter was here and crawling around, I was dreading her becoming a toddler. Imagine my shock when I found the toddler phase to be my favorite one yet! She is SO funny and adorable and quirky full of personality. I had no idea what a treat I was in for...so much so that we decided to have another.

It really is different when they're your own kids. It's okay to decide you don't want kids, but don't base this whole decision on being tired of nannying (and your view of "what becomes of" parents is pretty doomsday / pessimistic. I'm not sure how you were talking to tons of parents of kids you nannies about their sex loves, but rest assured if it's a priority for you it's something you continue doing. And at the risk of blowing your mind, while yes it can be tough and all-consuming sometimes, the days are longg but the years are short - and raising our kids together has brought my husband and I much closer. They are freaking hilarious, and creating our own family together has been a journey (in the best of ways. And yes, despite having to wake up in the middle of the night for a few months initially, lol.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are so many posters trying to change OP's mind?? I have kids and OP is 100% right about the sacrifices. Not everyone has to agree that the benefits of parenthood outweigh the costs. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids!

Anyway OP, I'm sorry, but this is a fundamental compatibility issue that probably can't be resolved.

I don't think they're trying to change OP's mind so much as say that using that experience to inform that decision is maybe not the best idea because its so different.

Like if I said, I don't like chicken because I hate mcdonald's chicken nuggets. That's a really narrow experience of chicken, I would be pretty stupid to write off chicken because I don't like those nuggets. Maybe I try some other chicken and end up really not liking chicken! That's cool, better for the environment! But I shouldn't let THAT be what seals the deal for me.

This, exactly. Well put. Having your own children is completely different than being a nanny; if that's her basis for making this decision, she should be aware of this

I think you should end the relationship now. You can't compromise on kids. If someone knows they see a future with children, I think he's unlikely to change his mind.

I'm in my late 30s and I am childfree. I love kids but I do not want my own. When I was younger I thought I would have them because it's just what people do, but as I got older and watched all my friends have kids, I realized that that is not a life I want. I was also a nanny for 5 years (with the same family). I loved the kids and I still have a close relationship with the family, but being a nanny confirmed my decision to not have children. I'm sure it's different when they are your own, but I know what a lifestyle looks like when you have kids and it just doesn't interest me.

There's nothing wrong with choosing not to have kids but you need a partner who is on the same page.

What kind of parent would your partner be? Would he be ALL IN and willing to do this sh!tty parts as well as the fun parts? Is he going to change the diapers, do grocery shopping, remember to make that doctor appointment/handle that insurance claim?

Or is he the type to enjoy the fun parts and leave all the rest up to you?

I've been a single mom for 8 years, and my new partner wants a kid - for HIM I would do it. For anyone else? the answer would be a resounding wholehearted HELL NO. Why? Because the guy I'm seeing now would jump in with both feet, get his hands dirty, and PARENT. He would take sick leave when the kid was sick, he'd clean up puke, change diapers, do midnight/3am feedings, remember the doctor appointments I forgot, do laundry, buy clothes, wipe up spills, etc. and ALSO do the fun stuff. He'd be a true partner. I've already seen it with how he interacts with my existing child, and we've talked extensively about all aspects of parenting together. We're not ready yet, cause we're not even engaged, but I have a feeling we'll get there.

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are so many posters trying to change OP's mind?? I have kids and OP is 100% right about the sacrifices.

Nobody's saying there aren't sacrifices. What they are saying is the sacrifices are worth it - and don't seem nearly as painful - when you're doing them for your own kids versus other people's kids.

And plenty of us who now have kids, and don't mind sacrificing for them, had the same negative attitude as her before they had kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are so many posters trying to change OP's mind?? I have kids and OP is 100% right about the sacrifices. Not everyone has to agree that the benefits of parenthood outweigh the costs. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids!

Anyway OP, I'm sorry, but this is a fundamental compatibility issue that probably can't be resolved.

I don't think they're trying to change OP's mind so much as say that using that experience to inform that decision is maybe not the best idea because its so different.

Like if I said, I don't like chicken because I hate mcdonald's chicken nuggets. That's a really narrow experience of chicken, I would be pretty stupid to write off chicken because I don't like those nuggets. Maybe I try some other chicken and end up really not liking chicken! That's cool, better for the environment! But I shouldn't let THAT be what seals the deal for me.

Come on, though. Being a nanny might not give you access to the *best* parts of parenting, but it certainly can help inform a person about whether she wants to share her life with children.

I have a lot of thoughts here.

I went through something similar except it was DH who did not want kids. We broke up because of it, which I think was the right thing to do, and found out we really missed each other. When we got back together, we agreed to have a child. ONE child. I accepted that and we now have a 10 year old. Life is really great. But that is only because though I was willing to compromise on my vision of 2-3 children, I was not willing to give up being a parent. My point is, for you two to stay together someone has to give something up, and that something will be big.

I was also a teacher (Kindergarten). I hated it. Same feelings as you. I can't say that never happens in early childhood, but it isn't quite the same, as other pointed out. Your mileage could vary.

I think you will have an easier time being childless by choice than a man would: many women would take huge issue with a man not wanting to have kids, but I think more men are accepting of this because their biological urges to parent are...just less powerful.

If you really think he is fooling himself and you are sure, you should be direct and either agree to compromise, wait a set amount of time to decide, or walk away if he is wavering or disillusioned.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

This is not true if you 1) have only one kid, 2) decide, in advance, that you will make heavy use of outside child care, and 3) have money.

I didn't want kids and my husband did. I thought about why I didn't want them, and realized 95% of the reason were all of the things I assumed moms had to do all day every day. We agreed to throw money at all of it, and I loved having a child so much we had more.

So you had a kid and let everyone else raise it? Good parenting!

Nope. But I work part time and have full time housekeeping/child care help. Basically, DH and I both get a SAHM and get to spend the time with our kids doing what we like, and lot less of the all day, every day slog.

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are so many posters trying to change OP's mind?? I have kids and OP is 100% right about the sacrifices. Not everyone has to agree that the benefits of parenthood outweigh the costs. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids!

Anyway OP, I'm sorry, but this is a fundamental compatibility issue that probably can't be resolved.

I don't think they're trying to change OP's mind so much as say that using that experience to inform that decision is maybe not the best idea because its so different.

Like if I said, I don't like chicken because I hate mcdonald's chicken nuggets. That's a really narrow experience of chicken, I would be pretty stupid to write off chicken because I don't like those nuggets. Maybe I try some other chicken and end up really not liking chicken! That's cool, better for the environment! But I shouldn't let THAT be what seals the deal for me.

Why on earth are so many posters trying to change OP's mind?? I have kids and OP is 100% right about the sacrifices. Not everyone has to agree that the benefits of parenthood outweigh the costs. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids!

Anyway OP, I'm sorry, but this is a fundamental compatibility issue that probably can't be resolved.