Anonymous wrote:OP don’t do it. There are so many risks.
Your kids could be subjected to cruel step parents.
Second spouses can take all of your money.
Your present spouse could remarry sooner to someone your kids like more than you.
Money.
Stresss.
More loneliness.
Friends could abandon you if they prefer your spouses company.

I don't see how that could happen. When you divorce, the money is split. You have yours, they have theirs. A second spouse can only take your Ex's money, not yours.

As for loneliness, I'm lonely now, precisely because I am married. I can make new friends if the existing ones abandon me post-divorce.

Anonymous wrote:How much have you both invested recently in getting to the root of the problem/making effort to fix what’s wrong?

PP age 54. We tried counseling. No good. The root of the problem: neither of us desires, or really even likes, the other. I am pretty sure my spouse is fixated on someone else, too.

Anonymous wrote:I am so over the disrespect and lack of intimacy in my relationship. My kids are still home. (Teens). We don’t fight but we don’t talk either. Strangers living together sharing the same bed. I feel fake and lonely. I am scared to divorce at my age. I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life but in a way I am already alone.

I am in the same situation. Age 54. No fighting, but no affection, companionship, or sex. Coparent effectively. I hate the idea of what divorce will do to the kids, but I hate the idea of spending many more years in this loveless, sexless wasteland where I am treated with cold indifference.

Anonymous wrote:The OP said "disrespect and lack of intimacy" and you have posters suggesting to join weight watchers or a book club. The crux is, that after you raise your kids, your personal happiness is of no consequence. In fact you are supposed to switch to the 50+ forum where you don't discuss fashion but instead it's about looking after aging parents before you get to be your husband's caregiver. In other words, your life is going to be a "whole lot of nothing." You're not supposed to take any risks, change or do anything "reckless" ever again. The reason everyone with real money gets divorced is because they can.

Nah. If you look at rich people, most stay married. They tend to have a much lower rate of divorce than the UMC.

Other than those looking for trophy (much younger) wife, there really isn’t much out there and celebrating holidays with your intact family and grandchildren is a lot more meaningful and adds to happiness.

The OP said "disrespect and lack of intimacy" and you have posters suggesting to join weight watchers or a book club. The crux is, that after you raise your kids, your personal happiness is of no consequence. In fact you are supposed to switch to the 50+ forum where you don't discuss fashion but instead it's about looking after aging parents before you get to be your husband's caregiver. In other words, your life is going to be a "whole lot of nothing." You're not supposed to take any risks, change or do anything "reckless" ever again. The reason everyone with real money gets divorced is because they can.

I think the 50's are a difficult age for a lot of people. At this point, you've pretty much got your youth behind you and your kids have either left the nest or will leave the nest soon.

Your not a whipper snapper anymore and the idea of starting over in a significant way (new job, place of your own, dating again) might sound exciting. But I do not think the reality of all of that freedom is as great as it sounds.

Right now, you've got a long term marriage, you celebrate the holidays as a family, you know your husband's favorite foods and what makes him laugh. You have the comfort and security of knowing what you are going to come home to every day - yes, maybe that's boring, maybe you feel like your stuck in a rut. Maybe you are. But that is better than having your life turned upside down.

I would suggest doing something good for you - take a class, join weight watchers, start a book club, volunteer. Maybe look into buying a little getaway cottage that you can use when you feel the need to recharge.

Anonymous wrote:A friend recently wed at 57 after a divorce at 55. She reconnected with a friend from college. They hadn’t date then, but both married college sweethearts. He was widowed. She divorced. They seem very happy.

May I ask how they reconnected?

Believe me, your kids notice are guys are not "together" anymore.

If you are able to survive on your own, get divorced otherwise, just keep being roommates.

I’m younger (40) but for some reason clicked on this forum and saw this...

20-25 years ago my FIL hit my SIl (I only learned recently) and my MiL said she’d leave him. She didn’t and that SIl doesn’t have a relationship with her parents, feeling her mother picked her husband over her.

12 years ago my FIL did some things to (verbally abusive and physically restrained (pinned down / sat on) my other SIl who was 7 months pregnant. My SIl said she was going to call the police. MIL begged her not to. SIl said “why do you stay with him?” And MiL said “I wish I’d divorced him, but now he’d get half of everything.” That daufhter barely has a relationship with her mother.

I think my BiL (30s) lives at home / never moved out because he is trying to help his mom.

I don’t know all that goes on in that relationship, but often think my MiL would be happier if she’d divorced 20 plus years ago even if she’d started over. She’s now early 70s and I think feels stuck. Last time I saw her I said “I’ll say this once and then drop it, but we are prepared to have you live with us if you want if you ever leave him”. She just said “thank you.”

I know you’re scared to be alone, but there’s a possibility of keeping the spouse at the cost of your children. Not saying this is your situation, but worth reflecting on.

Anonymous wrote:I’m the 12:27 poster. As long as my husband and I are not mean or rude to each other, I doubt my kids are tuned into our relationship. They are teenagers and they’re life is centered on school, sports, video games, hanging with friends, Netflix, etc. As long as their lives aren’t affected, I don’t think they care. And, I’m not about to turn their lives upside down because I’m bored. Maybe when they are out of the house and in college, I’ll revisit things but now is not the time to leave or get a divorce. Frankly, it’s selfish.

They don't fight and basically get along. I'm wondering what she thinks is out there at that age. A lot of baggage that's what. Men that won't care about your kids or grand-kids. While you'll want to go to your children's events they will be focused on their family. Everyone get's lonely even in good marriages. Find friends, hobbies, and enjoy your kids. OP try counseling to have better communication. Otherwise I haven't heard a legitimate reason to divorce. Not with teenagers at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP don’t do it. There are so many risks.
Your kids could be subjected to cruel step parents.
Second spouses can take all of your money.
Your present spouse could remarry sooner to someone your kids like more than you.
Money. I
Stresss.
More loneliness.
Friends could abandon you if they prefer your spouses company.

The kids are teens. Any step-parent issues will be over with quickly when they go to college.

How is the second spouse going to "take all of her money"? When you divorce, you separate financially, and all of your money goes with you.

There are good reasons to divorce at any age. Every situation is different so all depends. When my dad died all of the assets he co-mingled including our family vacation home which was suppose to go to the kids. It happens quite a lot for many reasons. Many steps do end up with family assets.

Anonymous wrote:I’m 55 and need to divorce and I’m scared. There I said it. Different poster. I have an 11 year old adopted child who has special needs. No family—parents deceased etc. I’d be alone. Spouse lost job. Fired. I’m trying to save enough to stand on my own two feet.

Everybody is scared. Hugs to you. If the child has a strong bond with your spouse, who is willing to stay engaged, maybe it won't be so bad.

I’m 55 and need to divorce and I’m scared. There I said it. Different poster. I have an 11 year old adopted child who has special needs. No family—parents deceased etc. I’d be alone. Spouse lost job. Fired. I’m trying to save enough to stand on my own two feet.

I can’t think of anything else, people are asked to tough out until they die. Even when posters have horrible children, they are told it’s only a few more years until age 18. No one says you have to abide selfish, mean offspring for 50+ years.

Anonymous wrote:OP, life is too short to be miserable. Divorce is so expensive because it is worth it.

So true! And I see people being penny wise and pound foolish about this.