Anonymous wrote:I'll give you my perspective as the friend.

One of my friends tragically and suddenly lost her husband when she was 42. They had been together since they were teenagers. When she was ready, she dated around and I was very happy for her. Then she fell head over heels for a guy after a couple of months. He was a really nice guy and treated her well.

I was happy for her. But I was also nervous. Having seen her through losing her husband, part of me was nervous about her falling in love again. What if it didn't work out? Could she handle having her heart broken again? This guy seems nice, but are there red flags she's missing? If he's so great, why is he single? I wasn't jealous, just worried for her. So that's where your friends could be coming from.

As an aside, I hate when people lie about what they are doing. It's basically saying "I know you'll be jealous of me, so I'm down playing my life so you don't feel hurt". It's very condescending

Completely agree with all of this - especially the last paragraph

When you lie to your friends, you are basically telling them that you think very little of them. OBVIOUSLY you can't tell them about a trip because they will immediately be jealous of how fabulous your life is while they are all stuck at home watching the fireworks on TV. See how obnoxious that is?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Red flags... about you, not them.
They supported you through a terrible time in your life, OP.
Are you going to ditch them now?

Of course I am not going to ditch them. I have been friends with some of them for over 20 years. I would be really upset to lose their friendship. When I am asked what I am doing over the 4th, I say nothing. I am really going to southern Spain. I have also supported them through a ton of crazy stuff so it isn't all one sided.

So you lie to your friends and winder why they aren't happy with you

What is it your friends are doing? Are they making snide remarks?

If your family likes him and a couple of other friends like him, why do you need further validation? Just date him and see what happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet your friends are pretty protective of you after watching you struggle. And they're probably more than a little concerned and skeptical that you're only 6 months in and are already all in and enjoying the "perks" of this guy's money... nothing is free and if you were my friend and jumped in headfirst after a bad divorce, I would worry.

+1

I have noticed that women when they date men with money seem so comfortable using their money very early on in dating.

To others it comes across unpleasantly.

Its one thing to use your husband's money. But to be financially dependent on a boyfriend of 6 months...seems weird and thirsty.

OP here. Nope. I don't use his money. I actually do not let him buy everything for me. I can afford my own lifestyle but I can't afford his. He does pay for me when he wants me to travel with him because he knows I can't afford that type of lifestyle. I usually will slip the waitress my credit card and try to pick up a few meals. He says I am the only woman who has ever done that. His past girlfriends were "sponges" and I will not be one.

He is mid fifties and I am late 40's for what it is worth. I would never be financially dependent on a man I am dating. A man is not a plan!!!!!

Then there’s nothing for your friends to be supposedly jealous about, right?

I'll give you my perspective as the friend.

One of my friends tragically and suddenly lost her husband when she was 42. They had been together since they were teenagers. When she was ready, she dated around and I was very happy for her. Then she fell head over heels for a guy after a couple of months. He was a really nice guy and treated her well.

I was happy for her. But I was also nervous. Having seen her through losing her husband, part of me was nervous about her falling in love again. What if it didn't work out? Could she handle having her heart broken again? This guy seems nice, but are there red flags she's missing? If he's so great, why is he single? I wasn't jealous, just worried for her. So that's where your friends could be coming from.

As an aside, I hate when people lie about what they are doing. It's basically saying "I know you'll be jealous of me, so I'm down playing my life so you don't feel hurt". It's very condescending

Anonymous wrote:He's likely a rebound guy, and they know he won't be around in a year so they are worried that you'll get too attached.

Or

They are seeing red flags that you aren't

Or

They are annoyed at your behavior

Op here- He is not the first guy I have dated. I dated like crazy my first 18 months after divorce. I actually was lucky and dated great guys. Still friends with a few. I am the more hesitant one in the relationship and always on the look out for red flags. I am not naive and if anything I have trust issues. I don't know how my behavior can annoy them. I can say that some people are really happy for me and I can tell!

He's likely a rebound guy, and they know he won't be around in a year so they are worried that you'll get too attached.

Or

They are seeing red flags that you aren't

Or

They are annoyed at your behavior

The first rule of being a good friend is never talking about your happiness or success, because your happiness and success is a threat to others, and only serves to fan the flames of their insecurity.

The second rule of being a good friend is not talking about your unhappiness or failures, because no matter how much they may do or say otherwise, others will find you insufferable and needy, and really don't care anyway.

Violators of either rule should prepare for the slow fade.

Good friends LISTEN. A playful clapping of hands. *Yay! I'm so happy for you!* A tilt of the head. *I'm so sorry.*

Shhhh. I said NO talking. *Listen.*

What a good friend.

She is either jealous or worried. Example, a friend of mine started dating my cousin, and even blamed me for not introducing them years ago. She was mad, mad at me about it. Cousin had quite a bit of money. But, we all knew he is nuts. And, sure enough, couple of years later, I had to listen how he went nuts, punched her new boyfriend in public, climbed up her window...So, is there any possibility that she has some information you do not? If the answer is no, oh well, maybe she will start being nice again, or maybe she is in some miserable negative state of mind about you, her, the world....

If these are friends who have supported you during difficult times I would try and remain open minded for now. First, jealous is one of the easiest emotions to incorrectly ascribe to someone and in my opinion the greater the number of your friends that are jealous the more likely the issue is due to something else. Second, 6 months is still not a long enough time to truly know someone. If they still seem jealous at the year mark then you could definitely be on to something.

Another +1 to assuming that you're either rushing in and getting way too serious way too fast which gives your friends pause, or that they've noticed little changes in you that make them wary. And this is not just limited to a 'newly dating a rich guy' thing - I have been concerned in the past when I noticed this stuff with friends dating new guys, and it had nothing to do with wealth. It seems to me like you're trying to make it about his money, and I think that's unlikely, given that its multiple friends you're getting this feeling from.

I would also take your sister's positive feedback with a grain of salt, especially if a lot of your close friends feel differently. There's a good chance she's just being polite and saying what she knows you want to hear. Please remember that you're unlikely to get honest negative opinions at this point, particularly if you're eagerly pushing for them. It's not easy to tell someone you don't particularly like their new boyfriend (or don't particularly like how they've changed since they started dating him) when they very clearly are in the early idealistic all caught up phase - you risk being phased out, or having your words repeated.

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you're humble bragging to me. Same goes for the poster who got the "lifestyle changing inheritance." I absolutely guarantee you the money has changed you. It's not your friends — it's you.

^^^ her picture is in Wikipedia under "envy"

Don't talk about or show money.

I have a friend who started dating a man who liked to travel in a way that she could not afford. They were together for 2 years and he "wanted" her to go places with him so he paid for her to travel with him. When they broke up 2 years later, she had thought she was about to get an engagement ring, instead he sued her to be repaid for all the money he spent on her during their relationship. He did not win the lawsuit.

She was, understandably, heartbroken.