Anonymous
05/29/2018 17:59
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding.
Based on this, you should be. If she doesn't miss you and easily goes from adult to adult, not looking back or wondering where you are, the hasn't attached and bonding should be your number one priority.
This is not necessarily my true. My kids have always spent 2-3 weeks with their grandparents in the summer since they were infants and NEVER missed us. And my khusband DS have no attachment issues
Agree. Don't worry about this. All those stories about kids missing Daddy, Mommy... all made up stories by parents missing their spouse out of codependency not mature love. We traveled a lot, and DH was overseas when we were here, and vice versa, and at that age kids didn't miss him. That starts later, not at 3. Parents projecting, in my circle one parent traveling a lot is non stop occurrence, and none of my friends' kids ever complain even older, nor do my friends ever mention that kids are missing one or the other parent. This is actually positive sign about your DD, she is adaptable and will be fine.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 17:49
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
I think it might ease the transition to have more frequent visits with the grandparents if possible. I agree with those who say to focus on one change at a time.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 15:58
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
OP this is wildly dysfunctional, and it's concerning how much you're trying to downplay it. Please consult a professional for help in dealing with this
Anonymous
05/29/2018 15:55
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
OP were you in jail? Honestly the reason you were away from her is going to make a difference here.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 15:44
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding.
Based on this, you should be. If she doesn't miss you and easily goes from adult to adult, not looking back or wondering where you are, the hasn't attached and bonding should be your number one priority.
This is not necessarily my true. My kids have always spent 2-3 weeks with their grandparents in the summer since they were infants and NEVER missed us. And my khusband DS have no attachment issues
OP's DD has lived with grandparents for THREE years with visits from parents over the years. That is entirely different than your children with whom you have bonded visiting grandparents for two or three weeks every summer. That is not remotely close to what OP is doing.
Totally different, but people were commenting that Op should be worried that her DD did not miss her grandparents when she was hanging out with mom and dad and I argue that this is not necessarily true. The non missing the grandparents, is not an issue based on my experience and it’s not a sign that the child has attachments issues since when my kids are with my parents they don’t miss me... of course they are so happy to see me when I finally see them, but as long as they don’t see me (like on FaceTime or Skype), they are not really missing me
Anonymous
05/29/2018 15:39
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding.
Based on this, you should be. If she doesn't miss you and easily goes from adult to adult, not looking back or wondering where you are, the hasn't attached and bonding should be your number one priority.
This is not necessarily my true. My kids have always spent 2-3 weeks with their grandparents in the summer since they were infants and NEVER missed us. And my khusband DS have no attachment issues
OP's DD has lived with grandparents for THREE years with visits from parents over the years. That is entirely different than your children with whom you have bonded visiting grandparents for two or three weeks every summer. That is not remotely close to what OP is doing.
froggymom
05/29/2018 14:59
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
I agree with some of the previous posters. Try to change things one at a time. The important thing is that you and DH stay on the same page about the rules and expectations. Be firm but loving. Get rid of the guilt because kids subconsciously pick up on it and use it to there advantage. In the end it won't do anything good for any of you. In fact, it will do more and more harm to your daughter as she gets older. You have nothing to feel guilty about anyway if you did what you needed to do at the time. Hang in there. It will be fine.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 14:58
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
You can't take a toddler away from the only consistent and stable caregivers she has had her whole life and give your in laws MONTHLY visits. That's insane. And sad.
Stop worrying about structure and rules and discipline and focus ONLY on comforting your daughter. She may know you, but she knows you as a visitor, not as her whole world.
This situation is SAD.
Have you thought through what happens if it's too hard or whatever factors were too unstable for you to have her since birth crop back up?
Stop worrying about structure and rules and discipline and focus ONLY on comforting your daughter. She may know you, but she knows you as a visitor, not as her whole world.
This situation is SAD.
Have you thought through what happens if it's too hard or whatever factors were too unstable for you to have her since birth crop back up?
Anonymous
05/29/2018 14:38
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
First lots of hugs, love and attention. Second, relax, it will all work out. Do not target anything first. You might still see her as a baby, and while she is very young, three year olds are stubborn. The good thing is you can tell her this is a new start, new good food you are eating so it is good to have a clean start there without any fuss. You say she is already insecure when visiting you, so think of it as a new, fresh start, show her her room, tell her that is where you will cuddle before bed time. That is where she will sleep. Basically treat her like she is more grown than she is. Don't get into will fights and who is in charge here dominant behavior. Here is what worked with my high anxiety DS when he was 4. I told him, we are going to day care, you will hug me bye, bye, you will then go to your room and listen to your teacher. You will not grab my leg, you will not yell and drag yourself. Repeat nicely if needed. Trust me, it works much better than yelling and acting all in charge. Your first priority is making your DD secure with you, not so much with your house, but with you and your DH. There is a reason she is insecure and needy with you.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 14:33
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
OP I think people are exaggerating here. I agree that you can’t enforce anything at the beginning and you should sleep with her every night and feed her whatever she is used to eat. My kids always lived with me and I co-sleep so I wouldn’t change that.
You know your child. She is probably used to having 2 homes. It’s not like you never see her or she is never at your place. She is just like a child with divorced parents that spends time in two different places. She is loved in both houses which is the only thing that matters. PP are really exaggerating big time. The transition to daycare will likely be hard as it would be for any 3 year old.
My nanny never saw her child for the first 6 years of his life. He is now 16 and doing great and very secure.
Your DD was not abused and in foster care. She was loved by and cared for by two households. She will be fine
You know your child. She is probably used to having 2 homes. It’s not like you never see her or she is never at your place. She is just like a child with divorced parents that spends time in two different places. She is loved in both houses which is the only thing that matters. PP are really exaggerating big time. The transition to daycare will likely be hard as it would be for any 3 year old.
My nanny never saw her child for the first 6 years of his life. He is now 16 and doing great and very secure.
Your DD was not abused and in foster care. She was loved by and cared for by two households. She will be fine
Anonymous
05/29/2018 14:28
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding.
Based on this, you should be. If she doesn't miss you and easily goes from adult to adult, not looking back or wondering where you are, the hasn't attached and bonding should be your number one priority.
This is not necessarily my true. My kids have always spent 2-3 weeks with their grandparents in the summer since they were infants and NEVER missed us. And my khusband DS have no attachment issues
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:34
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
I would not mess with the sleeping or eating, or potty training for at least 6 - 8 weeks after moving. Adequate sleep and food in her belly will be needed to help her cope through the transition. Focus on bonding and forming a secure attachment while she transitions away from her primary caregivers into a new home while starting daycare for the first time. She will have enough change already. Stock up on patience and seek some professional guidance on how to best approach the transition. Congratulations on now being in the position to get her moved home.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:30
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Hey PPs back off!
There are some good suggestions here, like taking things a little at a time and focusing on helping her feel loved and comforted, and maybe seeking out some help from a family therapist. But you can't pretend to know about someone's bond with their child from a couple of internet postings. Stop ganging up on OP!
There are some good suggestions here, like taking things a little at a time and focusing on helping her feel loved and comforted, and maybe seeking out some help from a family therapist. But you can't pretend to know about someone's bond with their child from a couple of internet postings. Stop ganging up on OP!
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:25
Subject: Re:Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding.
Based on this, you should be. If she doesn't miss you and easily goes from adult to adult, not looking back or wondering where you are, the hasn't attached and bonding should be your number one priority.
+1 She is not securely attached.
Anonymous
05/29/2018 13:24
Subject: Tips to handle transitions DD living with us
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I & DH have taken 6 weeks off work alternately back in March & April this year to take care of DD because grandparents' needed to fly back home for family emergencies. DD was fine living with us. She made adjustments quite quickly on something, e.g., napped by herself when DH was with her & I went to work. She ate more different varieties of food with DH when I was at work.
When she lives with grandparents, she never misses or talks about us. All she cares about is play, eat & tv at this age. When she lives with us back for 6 weeks, she never misses or talks about grandparents at all (I was surprised). Even grandparents called long distance, she only said hello & a few words, then handed me back the phone & wanted to continue to watch her tv or play with her toys. She is happy as long as either one of us is with her, take her out, and play with her. That is why I am not worried too much about bonding. Daycare is definitely a total different story, that one I am more scared for her cannot handling it. But, she already meets the teacher, tour the daycare, and meet some kids there for 3 mornings already. And, I have got her to pick backpack & lunchboxes. I am trying my best to get her familiar with daycare, and my friends tell me just do it drop her off at day 1, and don't linger around. I already tell my boss I may come in late the first day of daycare in case she cries excessively.
I understand all PP's worries about the stress that DD would face, and I agree. And, that is why I am trying to sort it out & think of all possible scenarios/solutions before she moves in. I have asked her if she wants to live with mommy/daddy & go to daycare to meet & play with friends, she said yes. But I don't think she gets the ideas that mommy/daddy won't be there. DD is a sensitive child, but let me tell you she is overall a happy child, loves to play with kids, and loves to learn new things.
First bolded: Sounds like she's happy when she's watching TV.
Second bolded: you do not ask a 3 year old opinion on things and take their answer seriously.
Get help, OP. Get a therapist or perhaps a social worker.