Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 13:16     Subject: How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I read that book. I've been trying to be flexible, but he pushes until he basically decided that he doesn't have to do anything I've asked him to do. Chores, speaking politely, discussing plans, going to bed at a reasonable hour etc etc etc. He seems to want/need boundaries, but I'm having trouble setting them largely because now that I have his phone, I don't have any other leverage.


OP, you've established that the "Do what I want or I'll take your stuff" strategy doesn't work for you and your son. Which isn't surprising; it doesn't work for a lot of people, and for the people it does work for, I wonder what kind of parent-child relationship they have when the children are adults.

So, now what? If you're out of ideas, and you've read books but they weren't helpful, then how about parenting classes or parent counseling?


This. I was defiant as a teen. My parents pulled the bullshit of all privileges and i went full rebellion. Some people aren’t built to obey like someone’s dog. And as for a relationship later in life, we didn’t have one for well over a decade after I left the house the day after graduating Highschool.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:56     Subject: How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t flame me, but my teen has started being openly defiant. I’ve already taken away his phone. That’s really the only thing he cares about. Now that I have the phone, I have no other leverage. For example, I ask him to pick up something that he left in the living room and he says, “No. It’s ok. I don’t need to do that right now.” And I say,”Yes. You do. I’m telling you to do it now.” And he just sits there. What do you do?


OMG OP listen to me, please--I had this issue. Don't go head-to-head like this! It totally backfires and GETS WORSE! (Trust me, I know). DCUM saved me, and here is my chance to pay it forward....buy this book, "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!" right now on amazon.

And the short story is you are still a good parent if you let him leave his crap all over the house and say nothing, and pick it up yourself when he's not around. (I know, sounds totally wrong, but THIS will work. It's counter-intuitive)


This will work? How? He'll just laugh and let you keep doing all the work.

DP. You laugh when someone does something for you just because. Good to know. I am assuming that OP's kid is not evil.


No. I remember being a teenager with an absurdly overinflated sense of entitlement, whose parents should do everything for me and pay for everything just because.

And I've met other teenagers like that.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:46     Subject: Re:How to get teen to obey
I recommend talking to him. Not in the moment, then you're mad and he's mad. But ask him to have a conversation with you. If he won't even speak to you, you need to find someone he will talk with.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:30     Subject: Re:How to get teen to obey
I'm a big fan of Dr. Shefali Tsabary and her books including "Out of Control". It's an eastern philosophical approach that makes you question what you are expecting from your child, what you're projecting and how to get out of the "us v. child" mentality. The book's title actually is not about an out of control child and more about the parent's wanting to control.

Every situation is different.

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:27     Subject: How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:And what if they’re leaving dishes and trash around? They’re not going to miss that.


Pick the dishes and trash up and put them in their room (then close the door). But tell them first that you're going to do that. Don't be like that PP's non-communicating parents.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:19     Subject: How to get teen to obey
And what if they’re leaving dishes and trash around? They’re not going to miss that.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:16     Subject: How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:As teens if we did not hang up our winter coats, nothing was said. The next morning when getting ready for school, our jackets would be located out in the snowbank.

If you slammed your bedroom door. Nothing was said, but your door might disappear for a week or two.

By teenage years, they knew that we were aware of what the expectations were. Rarely did any nagging or yelling happen. Either the mood was ignored, or consequences happened quietly.

How do you have any relationship with your parents now? They say something you don't like, you don't say anything, but then they don't hear from you for a year or two?
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:16     Subject: Re:How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any answers for you. But I did want to say that some kids are so easy - I have two like that. Everything that others mentioned would work but likely wouldn't be necessary. And I have a third one that is sometimes like yours. To complicate things, my son has mental health issues and it's often hard to tease out what is mental illness and what is asshole teenage behavior. Regardless none of the things people mentioned would work and if I push too far, he'd just leave or do something stupid like try to kill himself. I could never take his phone because sometimes that's the only way I can track him.

With him, we manage by reducing the expectations. I would never have asked mine to clean up his mess because I knew I could t enforce it. I only ask/require things I know I can make happen so I don't lose credibility. I also have my son in therapy and receiving medical care. His doctors and therapists have no other suggestions.

BTW, my sons mental illness only started to show up around age 15.


PP, if I may ask, what is your son's diagnosis?
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:12     Subject: How to get teen to obey
As teens if we did not hang up our winter coats, nothing was said. The next morning when getting ready for school, our jackets would be located out in the snowbank.

If you slammed your bedroom door. Nothing was said, but your door might disappear for a week or two.

By teenage years, they knew that we were aware of what the expectations were. Rarely did any nagging or yelling happen. Either the mood was ignored, or consequences happened quietly.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:06     Subject: How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t flame me, but my teen has started being openly defiant. I’ve already taken away his phone. That’s really the only thing he cares about. Now that I have the phone, I have no other leverage. For example, I ask him to pick up something that he left in the living room and he says, “No. It’s ok. I don’t need to do that right now.” And I say,”Yes. You do. I’m telling you to do it now.” And he just sits there. What do you do?


OMG OP listen to me, please--I had this issue. Don't go head-to-head like this! It totally backfires and GETS WORSE! (Trust me, I know). DCUM saved me, and here is my chance to pay it forward....buy this book, "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!" right now on amazon.

And the short story is you are still a good parent if you let him leave his crap all over the house and say nothing, and pick it up yourself when he's not around. (I know, sounds totally wrong, but THIS will work. It's counter-intuitive)


This will work? How? He'll just laugh and let you keep doing all the work.

DP. You laugh when someone does something for you just because. Good to know. I am assuming that OP's kid is not evil.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 12:04     Subject: Re:How to get teen to obey
"This will work? How? He'll just laugh and let you keep doing all the work."

No actually he won't because the work won't get done the way he wants it done.

Back during the stone age, my mother got me to do my own laundry by starching my jeans.

We got our DS to "clean his room" by spending one Friday while he was at school cleaning his room within an inch of it's life.

His room went from a pile of everything he owned from the time he was 6 to having shelves and filing cabinets with everything having a specific place.

He didn't know where half his stuff was for at least a month.

You don't have to do anything quite so dramatic but he will do a lot of work to keep you from doing it your way.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 11:40     Subject: How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t flame me, but my teen has started being openly defiant. I’ve already taken away his phone. That’s really the only thing he cares about. Now that I have the phone, I have no other leverage. For example, I ask him to pick up something that he left in the living room and he says, “No. It’s ok. I don’t need to do that right now.” And I say,”Yes. You do. I’m telling you to do it now.” And he just sits there. What do you do?


OMG OP listen to me, please--I had this issue. Don't go head-to-head like this! It totally backfires and GETS WORSE! (Trust me, I know). DCUM saved me, and here is my chance to pay it forward....buy this book, "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!" right now on amazon.

And the short story is you are still a good parent if you let him leave his crap all over the house and say nothing, and pick it up yourself when he's not around. (I know, sounds totally wrong, but THIS will work. It's counter-intuitive)


This will work? How? He'll just laugh and let you keep doing all the work.
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 11:36     Subject: Re:How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like OP may need to move to the tough love stage.


"Tough love" because the kid sasses and doesn't pick up when OP asks him to? Really?
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 11:34     Subject: How to get teen to obey
Anonymous wrote:I read that book. I've been trying to be flexible, but he pushes until he basically decided that he doesn't have to do anything I've asked him to do. Chores, speaking politely, discussing plans, going to bed at a reasonable hour etc etc etc. He seems to want/need boundaries, but I'm having trouble setting them largely because now that I have his phone, I don't have any other leverage.


OP, you've established that the "Do what I want or I'll take your stuff" strategy doesn't work for you and your son. Which isn't surprising; it doesn't work for a lot of people, and for the people it does work for, I wonder what kind of parent-child relationship they have when the children are adults.

So, now what? If you're out of ideas, and you've read books but they weren't helpful, then how about parenting classes or parent counseling?
Anonymous
Post 05/25/2018 11:29     Subject: How to get teen to obey
What's his life like, OP? He gets up and goes to school -- does he make his own lunch? his own dinner? get to extracurriculars by himself? What does he care about? Does he do anything other than go to school, come home, and put himself in his room reading a book? Are his grades good? How old is he? You're not really giving posters enough to go on other than saying you have tried everything and nothing works. Sure, you think you have tried everything, but the whole point of asking your question is for people to raise things that you haven't considered, but people can't do that without more information.