Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:30
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.
She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.
Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.
+1
My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.
How is it a win-win for the nanny having 2 extra kids to watch? Agree that OP could have been nicer about saying no, or could have told SIL the price nanny would charge to watch her extra kids.
I'm the "win-win" poster and the win for the nanny is that the kids are entertained. Of course, age is a huge factor here. If babies and/or young toddlers are involved, that changes things. OP, remember you may not always have this nanny and things get difficult with school and snow days, etc. For example, I'm working late next week so my SIL is getting my kids off the bus and will have them for a couple of hours.. Conversely, I'm off the last day of school (half day) and she's not, so I'm getting her kids and will have them until she gets home.
Doubling the amount of work of the nanny is not a win. Is it just that she is a domestic worker why you think this is okay? And yea she won’t always have the nanny...especially if she expects her to do more work for the same pay.
When nannies do play dates the other nannies don’t just drop their charges off and leave as SIL is planning.
Np. If the kids are like 5 it's not doubling the work it's reducing it because thekids will play together. This is why nannies like playdates. If the kids are 2 then yes way more work but don't be obtuse. SIL can be in the wrong and nannies can like playdates.
OP I'm with most other ops. Right on principal total fail on execution. You lostthe high ground being so over the top.
+1. I used to have a nanny who got together with a neighbor nanny for playdates a lot. Now I'm a SAHM and the neighbor nanny frequently calls for my daughter to come over (without me). On occasion I've asked her if she can take my kid while I do a quick errand and in the beginning I tried to pay her and she always refused. She outright told me having my kid over made it easier for her to get other things done because the kids were occupied.
Bottom line, you should have let the nanny decide, and conveyed either a "no" or a yes with any cost stipulations. You were unnecessarily rude (unless you don't really care about keeping a good relationship).
Anonymous
05/24/2018 21:27
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.
She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.
Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.
+1
My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.
How is it a win-win for the nanny having 2 extra kids to watch? Agree that OP could have been nicer about saying no, or could have told SIL the price nanny would charge to watch her extra kids.
+1. I used to have a nanny who got together with a neighbor nanny for playdates a lot. Now I'm a SAHM and the neighbor nanny frequently calls for my daughter to come over (without me). On occasion I've asked her if she can take my kid while I do a quick errand and in the beginning I tried to pay her and she always refused. She outright told me having my kid over made it easier for her to get other things done because the kids were occupied.
I'm the "win-win" poster and the win for the nanny is that the kids are entertained. Of course, age is a huge factor here. If babies and/or young toddlers are involved, that changes things. OP, remember you may not always have this nanny and things get difficult with school and snow days, etc. For example, I'm working late next week so my SIL is getting my kids off the bus and will have them for a couple of hours.. Conversely, I'm off the last day of school (half day) and she's not, so I'm getting her kids and will have them until she gets home.
Doubling the amount of work of the nanny is not a win. Is it just that she is a domestic worker why you think this is okay? And yea she won’t always have the nanny...especially if she expects her to do more work for the same pay.
When nannies do play dates the other nannies don’t just drop their charges off and leave as SIL is planning.
Np. If the kids are like 5 it's not doubling the work it's reducing it because thekids will play together. This is why nannies like playdates. If the kids are 2 then yes way more work but don't be obtuse. SIL can be in the wrong and nannies can like playdates.
OP I'm with most other ops. Right on principal total fail on execution. You lostthe high ground being so over the top.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 20:32
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Two nannies getting together is not a playdate for the kids, its for the nannies to socialize. Lets be real. Most people call everything a playdate now so it may just be the term she used. You sound nasty.
I would have asked the nanny and said, hey, if my SIL pays you ??? amount, would you mind watching her kids every so often while she goes to appointments?
Or, on the flip side instead of jumping to conclusions I would also see on nanny days off SIL would watch your kids as a fair trade.
Or, offer that she go when you are home evenings/weekends and you watch her kids.
I would have asked the nanny and said, hey, if my SIL pays you ??? amount, would you mind watching her kids every so often while she goes to appointments?
Or, on the flip side instead of jumping to conclusions I would also see on nanny days off SIL would watch your kids as a fair trade.
Or, offer that she go when you are home evenings/weekends and you watch her kids.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 20:25
Subject: Re:Cheap SIL re childcare
You did exactly what you should have done. You and your nanny have a contractual relationship. Revising the terms of the contract breaches the contract. Play dates can be arranged at times without nanny.
SIL can find and play for her own day care.
SIL can find and play for her own day care.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 20:14
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
The situation would be different if BOTH Op and SIL were SAHM or WAHM. Then the swapping play dates for childcare could work. I am a SAHM and I’ve done this with other SAHM.
But OP works out of the house and pays a nanny for childcare. So it’s not really up to the OP, it’s up to the nanny. And while nanny does arrange play dates, it appears they are with children of her nanny friends and I bet those nannies stay and socialize. They probably are not drop off play dates. SIL wants a drop off play date, when she could just get a sitter.
But OP works out of the house and pays a nanny for childcare. So it’s not really up to the OP, it’s up to the nanny. And while nanny does arrange play dates, it appears they are with children of her nanny friends and I bet those nannies stay and socialize. They probably are not drop off play dates. SIL wants a drop off play date, when she could just get a sitter.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 19:30
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.
She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.
Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.
+1
My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.
How is it a win-win for the nanny having 2 extra kids to watch? Agree that OP could have been nicer about saying no, or could have told SIL the price nanny would charge to watch her extra kids.
I'm the "win-win" poster and the win for the nanny is that the kids are entertained. Of course, age is a huge factor here. If babies and/or young toddlers are involved, that changes things. OP, remember you may not always have this nanny and things get difficult with school and snow days, etc. For example, I'm working late next week so my SIL is getting my kids off the bus and will have them for a couple of hours.. Conversely, I'm off the last day of school (half day) and she's not, so I'm getting her kids and will have them until she gets home.
Doubling the amount of work of the nanny is not a win. Is it just that she is a domestic worker why you think this is okay? And yea she won’t always have the nanny...especially if she expects her to do more work for the same pay.
When nannies do play dates the other nannies don’t just drop their charges off and leave as SIL is planning.
Np. If the kids are like 5 it's not doubling the work it's reducing it because thekids will play together. This is why nannies like playdates. If the kids are 2 then yes way more work but don't be obtuse. SIL can be in the wrong and nannies can like playdates.
OP I'm with most other ops. Right on principal total fail on execution. You lostthe high ground being so over the top.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 19:15
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
You were fine, she’s the one being difficult
Anonymous
05/24/2018 19:05
Subject: Re:Cheap SIL re childcare
I guess I would say: We'd love to have the cousins over but it's a little tricky with our nanny. I'd need to talk to her and see if she feels comfortable watching more kids, and if so how much she would charge you. Let me know if you want me to ask her. I do know another sitter whose number I can give you, and you know Billy Bob and I are always happy to have your kids over when we're home!
Anonymous
05/24/2018 19:04
Subject: Re:Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd give your SIL a chance to "save face" AND let her know that this won't fly at the same time.
Call her up and say "Oh Larla, I'm soooooo sorry about our misunderstanding. I think we got our wires crossed, and somehow I was thinking that you were asking if you could drop your kids off with our nanny and she would just watching them for free while you ran errands. So when I explained to BIL that we can't just add extra kids to our nanny's responsibility without her being compensated, he was sure that I had misunderstood. So if you guys are willing to pay her to watch your kids while you do various errands, I'd be happy to ask her if she might be wiling to do this and what she would charge you. Or if you wanted me to see if she might be interested in doing playdates where you'll be here at the same time or meet at a park so the kids can play together, I can always ask!"
Then see how she responds. This lets her "save face" and gives her another shot at not looking like a total mooch! OR, she can double down and actually have to clarify that she is ASKING for FREE babysitting from your nanny...to which you can again emphasize, "I'm sorry....but we pay her to watch Larlo, and I can't ask her to add additional kids without you compensating her for that."
BRILLIANT.
You know this is also passive aggressive. OP already has husband problems because of the way she handled it. I agree with others who found OP to be unnecessarily hostile. If it were me, I'd ask my husband how he wants to handle it. Does he want to have his sister's kids over? Does he want to ask the nanny to allow some play dates or does he want his sister to pay the nanny?
Actually I kind of like it bc it calls her out. But I wouldn’t cause more family drama. If DH is on board then I’d have DH deliver this message.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 17:56
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.
She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.
Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.
+1
My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.
How is it a win-win for the nanny having 2 extra kids to watch? Agree that OP could have been nicer about saying no, or could have told SIL the price nanny would charge to watch her extra kids.
I'm the "win-win" poster and the win for the nanny is that the kids are entertained. Of course, age is a huge factor here. If babies and/or young toddlers are involved, that changes things. OP, remember you may not always have this nanny and things get difficult with school and snow days, etc. For example, I'm working late next week so my SIL is getting my kids off the bus and will have them for a couple of hours.. Conversely, I'm off the last day of school (half day) and she's not, so I'm getting her kids and will have them until she gets home.
Doubling the amount of work of the nanny is not a win. Is it just that she is a domestic worker why you think this is okay? And yea she won’t always have the nanny...especially if she expects her to do more work for the same pay.
When nannies do play dates the other nannies don’t just drop their charges off and leave as SIL is planning.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 17:47
Subject: Re:Cheap SIL re childcare
I'm totally fine with what the OP said, but maybe that's because I'm German and we like to be brutally honest.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 17:45
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Don’t you want the cousins to have a chance to interact? Fix this!
This is family, not the neighborhood mooch. Even if you don't like her, don't pass this dislike onto the cousins. Did you even ask the nanny? She might be fine with it. Mu daughter as a nanny liked playdates, but that would of course depend on the ages and amount of work.
Do the other play date parents pay extra? Or is it because the nanny friends hang out? Since it's the money that bothers you and you called her cheap, I'm with the posters who recommend telling her that you feel the nanny deserves extra compensation and come up with a reasonable amount. Be honest and upfront, not an ass.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 17:44
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your SIL was reaching out for help as she settled into a new place, and you essentially slammed the door shut in her face.
She was asking you for the occasional favor, not knowing the dynamics of having a nanny.
Send her an email and apologize for being so harsh. Offer some suggestions as to how you found babysitters. If your nanny might be willing to take them occasionally, for a fee or not, let her know that too.
+1
My sister-in-law and I live a mile of each other as well and we do playdates/carpooling all the time. I don't see how it was out of line for her to ask you - it could be a win-win. She could go to an appointment (which is a pain as a SAHM - I used to be one) and the kids could play.
How is it a win-win for the nanny having 2 extra kids to watch? Agree that OP could have been nicer about saying no, or could have told SIL the price nanny would charge to watch her extra kids.
I'm the "win-win" poster and the win for the nanny is that the kids are entertained. Of course, age is a huge factor here. If babies and/or young toddlers are involved, that changes things. OP, remember you may not always have this nanny and things get difficult with school and snow days, etc. For example, I'm working late next week so my SIL is getting my kids off the bus and will have them for a couple of hours.. Conversely, I'm off the last day of school (half day) and she's not, so I'm getting her kids and will have them until she gets home.
Anonymous
05/24/2018 17:25
Subject: Cheap SIL re childcare
Don’t you want the cousins to have a chance to interact? Fix this!
Anonymous
05/24/2018 17:25
Subject: Re:Cheap SIL re childcare
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd give your SIL a chance to "save face" AND let her know that this won't fly at the same time.
Call her up and say "Oh Larla, I'm soooooo sorry about our misunderstanding. I think we got our wires crossed, and somehow I was thinking that you were asking if you could drop your kids off with our nanny and she would just watching them for free while you ran errands. So when I explained to BIL that we can't just add extra kids to our nanny's responsibility without her being compensated, he was sure that I had misunderstood. So if you guys are willing to pay her to watch your kids while you do various errands, I'd be happy to ask her if she might be wiling to do this and what she would charge you. Or if you wanted me to see if she might be interested in doing playdates where you'll be here at the same time or meet at a park so the kids can play together, I can always ask!"
Then see how she responds. This lets her "save face" and gives her another shot at not looking like a total mooch! OR, she can double down and actually have to clarify that she is ASKING for FREE babysitting from your nanny...to which you can again emphasize, "I'm sorry....but we pay her to watch Larlo, and I can't ask her to add additional kids without you compensating her for that."
BRILLIANT.
You know this is also passive aggressive. OP already has husband problems because of the way she handled it. I agree with others who found OP to be unnecessarily hostile. If it were me, I'd ask my husband how he wants to handle it. Does he want to have his sister's kids over? Does he want to ask the nanny to allow some play dates or does he want his sister to pay the nanny?