OP, I'm sorry you've had these experiences - it's hard to feel excluded.

We are sort of on the other end of the situation in that my formerly quiet and shy dd has come into her own a bit and has been invited to a good number of parties this year (I think around 15), all on the smaller side (10 or fewer guests). She has also been invited to play dates with people whose birthdays she was not invited to.

For her summer birthday, she wants a home party with her 5 favorite friends. I offered up to 10 but she decided on the smaller group to share the special occasion because she said the bigger groups got a bit overwhelming to her and she'd rather spread friend time out over play dates. In any case, even if she maxed out the number I offered to her, she would still have left out at least 1/3 of the people whose parties she had attended.

She's so grateful for all of those friends and really does love spending time with them. For her post-prek birthdays though, she's tended to go quite small, one year only inviting one person and the others the collection of her very closest people, and is definitely not an indication of not caring very much for the rest of her social circle. I know it would bother her a lot to know that someone was crushed to not be included.

She knows not to discuss it at school though - by 3rd grade the kids seem to have gotten savvier about being discreet.

Does your son have a bestie or two, like where they mutually agree they are each others' favorites?

And I hear you re reciprocating, too. I've been on both sides of that. On the one hand, we are the nearly exclusive hosts of my dd's best friend. I can count on one hand the number of times she's been invited to their home over the course of several years, but that child frequently comes to our house for play dates and sleepovers. They are great together, so I am okay with it - the family must have their reasons for not hosting more. On the other hand, dd's gotten close to a couple of other kids this year who keep asking her over to play and I just don't have the free weekend days to reciprocate as much as they invite, and school nights are too hard. I feel guilty about it, but don't have a great solution other than hosting the occasional group of them (basically a mini party) to catch up on a few at once. I take my hat off to more organized or extroverted parents who are better at juggling this.

In our case, as others have said, a lot more invitations started coming in for both play dates and parties when DH and I befriended parents. The kids are still usually the ones who pick who are coming to parties, but for some reason parents being friends seems to make a difference, at least at my child's school.

I'm really shy and pretty socially awkward and possibly came off as standoffish at first, but the more I connected with other parents, the more my daughter started getting included in stuff.

Anonymous wrote:You're overthinking this. People have different ideas about the size of a party and some don't have a party. Also some parents don't prioritize holding play dates. Tell your DS these things and to not take it personally. Invite kids to ds's party and for play dates that seem kind.

I'd put it more like the other parents are underthinking. I have seen many cases where people actually throw medium/large sized parties and do lots of playdates but exclude some kids (at an age where there are not any bff's) and don't reciprocate playdates.

Soemtimes, there's no an underlying excuse (we only have small parties/can't afford and don't do playdates) and people just suck.

You're overthinking this. People have different ideas about the size of a party and some don't have a party. Also some parents don't prioritize holding play dates. Tell your DS these things and to not take it personally. Invite kids to ds's party and for play dates that seem kind.

I just had a mom walk up to me the other day and say, "So many class birthday parties are happening right now, I can barely keep up! You're child is going to so-and-so's birthday party at [venue] on Saturday, right?"

I just looked at her and said, "My child never mentioned any party, or invitation." Then I was quiet, looking at her, waiting for her to emerge from her mom bubble. You should have seen the look on her face. She realized her faux pas, and quickly excused herself.

Adult people suck sometimes.

I have 3 kids, now in late elementary.

My experience in this area is that if you have an introverted kid you have to be really, REALLY involved in fostering their friendships in early elementary. Host many playdates, invest in the other families--have them over for dinner, etc.
This area is full of extroverts (it's DC!) and introverted kids tend to get forgotten. Heck, I'd actually say that any kid who is non-extroverted runs the risk of being forgotten. My kids are always in class with a ton of really, really extroverted kids.
It's hard to stand out among peers (in making the cut for a birthday party list or whatever) if you're not commanding a certain amount of "air time" when you're in this type of peers.

I have 2 kids on the quieter side. I hosted a million playdates from PK to about 3rd grade. Each had a solid and great group of about 10 friends by 3rd grade. I also became the "fun mom" whose house is always open. In contrast to my first two,
my third kid is naturally outgoing and everyone gravitates to her. I never did anything to facilitate her friendships. She was setting up playdates and getting invited to other houses several times a week by the time she was in K.

Just some extra hugs. The idea of running into a party you weren't invited to makes my stomach clench in sympathy.

I think it's time for you to switch to small parties, too. I wonder if it's easier to write off you son as an invite because "Well, he invited everyone, so my Larlo wasn't a special friend. We'll pick Marlo instead because he had a small party and we should reciprocate."

I feel like I'm in the middle here. On the one hand, we have some kids over whose parents never reciprocate. If my DS is a fan of those kids, I do keep extending invitations (just spaced further and further apart) because it's not the kids who should be punished for an oversight of their parents. If my DS doesn't bring up that kid, I just let the playdates fizzle out. But I have always privately thought it's a bit weird/rude to NEVER manage one invitation in return, even if it's an invitation to meet at a playground or a park.

On the other hand, we have thrown both large and small birthday parties. If you throw a large party, yes, of course you should invite the entire class. But I can tell you that it is not easy to host these kinds of things. First, people are terrible about RSVPing. I had one party where we had 18 RSVPs, so I created 20 party favors. Three families showed up who had not RSVPed. One showed up with not one but two uninvited siblings!! One kid and sibling showed up and they had said "no" to the evite. I think the less you know people, the more random and rude these things can get. Second, my son's birthday is in September. We often don't have a class roster, so we have to go off of last year's parent directory. That is not ideal as this area has a lot of new kids who show up.

If you throw a small party, it's a lot easier to rent a venue and it's a lot less stress for me. I think my DS has a hard time picking who to invite and it's often done based on who he enjoys being with, not really any thought to who is most likely to become a fast friend that upcoming year. (In other words, he may pick someone who was in his homeroom last year, but isn't this year, without an awareness that they may go separate ways in this upcoming year.) We get some reciprocal invitations and some not, so you can't really invite people expecting anythign in return.

The bottom line is to really focus on what is right for your kid and your family. The rest of it is just not in your control!

I get what you are saying and understand that it would be hurtful. That being said, although we always reciprocate invites when my son has actually attended another child's party (as opposed to declining the invite because of conflicts), it is an expensive proposition. My son is sort of a nerdy, non-sporty kid, but he is friendly and outgoing, and when we went through just the list of kids whose parties he had attended, we have to invite 25 kids to his party - and that does not include kids that he would like to invite who have not invited him.

That sucks, OP. I hate the idea of your kid running into friends and realizing he wasn’t invited

We try to make sure our kids’ friends are included. When my son wants a pool party and one of his best friends can’t swim, we encourage him to plan something else so his friend will be comfortable. If the venue is too small and 1-2 friends will have to be excluded, we encourage a different venue. In DCUM-land, it seems it’s only important what the birthday kid wants, but I think you can plan fun parties while taking others’ feelings into account.

Anonymous wrote:I could have written OP's post almost verbatim about 9 YO DD.

As far as I can tell, the issue is that she's introverted and a bit awkward socially and therefore has trouble making "deep" connections with other kids. Easy to get along with, but doesn't form bonds easily.

We try to address this by:

* Proactively setting up activity-based play dates (going to do "x"). She does better with these than with "what do we do now?" play.

* Getting her involved in extracurriculars that she really likes--similar interests seem to help bridge the gap.

* Keeping in close contact with friends outside of school--family friends's kids, kids from prior neighborhood, etc. Gives her confidence and a feeling of security.

Not sure whether this is the "right" approach (if there is such a thing), but it seems to help her feel engaged and also get the social experience.

+1 I think this is spot on. I, too, suspect that the parents are asking their kids for a handful of their best friends and inviting those kids, and if your kid is friendly but not super "memorable" because he isn't forming super "deep" relationships, then it makes sense that he might not make the cut sometimes. I wouldn't stress about it too much -- it's probably not a big deal. Does he have one or two very close friends? If so, I would foster those friendships and try to ensure that he feels a close bond with at least one other kid.