Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:57     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
No way. She is trying to take advantage of you.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:56     Subject: Re:Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:Op here, I appreciate everybody's input (even those calling me selfish...) I guess part of my aggravation is that I am self reliant and am rearranging my schedule so that my child can make it. Obviously I'd love it if somebody else could miraculously take care of the transportation problem. If the other parents offered to carpool for real, rather than just asking for a ride, I would be more inclined to agree. Instead I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and coordination isn't always as straightforward as just telling somebody you can't drive their kid--they have to confirm that they've received the message, or else you've ended up stranding their child.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and offer an opinion.


I would decline them too. "Unpredictable" schedules and all. Don't feel bad at all.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:51     Subject: Re:Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
OP here, as I said I find the responses fascinating. For those of you wondering, I'm over 40, and I do bend over backward to help those in need. It's not actually clear to me that they are in need here-- I think they are asking because they can.

I suspect that the "of course I'd do it" responders would not hesitate to ask the same, and the "no way" responders wouldn't dream of asking without being reciprocate. I think it points to different value systems, and this thread has helped me sort out my own values. I also suspect that the first camp might not feel guilty when there times they couldn't drive.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:36     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Typically Carpool is a term used where you share the responsibilities. That is not the case. They want you to drive every week.

If they asked to carpool - I would say YES. Can you do this month, I will do next month. This way there is skin in the game. If they want you to drive their kid every week b/c they are too busy - sorry.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:30     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:OMG just say no, its fine. You are under absolutely no moral or ethical obligation to these people.

In my experience the parents asking for favors tend to keep asking for further favors. Its never fun.


This has been my experience as well. The few times I did say yes to be nice and try to help someone out there was always a point where the other family pushed it and asked for more. So frustrating and not worth my energy.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:26     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:What comes around goes around. You are already going, it's NBD to pick up a kid nearby. It's the right thing to do and you know it.

There will come a day where you need help - hopefully you don't run into someone like yourself when that time comes.


Jinx
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:25     Subject: Re:Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Yes you are terrible.

Life is not tit for tat.

Someday you will need something and have nothing to offer in return but nobody will be there for you. You will wonder why. I won't wonder why.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:24     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
What comes around goes around. You are already going, it's NBD to pick up a kid nearby. It's the right thing to do and you know it.

There will come a day where you need help - hopefully you don't run into someone like yourself when that time comes.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:21     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:

OP, are you by any chance under 40? I ask because by the time I was 40 a beautiful thing happened. I stopped caring what others thought about me and I focused on what keeps me sane and pleasant for my own family. I think before 40 I might have posted something like this...maybe early 30s. Now, all i can think is...who cares? Do what works for you. If this is a mom going through chemo, sure I'd go the extra mile, but for someone I am not that close with who is healthy-only if it doesn't add any stress. Just say "no." No big deal. It's OK if a few ladies on DCUM think you are a shrew. That speaks to them and their issues, not you.


The ones calling her mean and a shrew are definitely the “users”.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:20     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did they offer to split the driving with you?


No


Then no.


No brainer. F@ck no.

Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:19     Subject: Re:Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
I hate f@cking carpools. I work from home in a flexible schedule and I’m a stickler for being on time.

I tried it once for one season years ago and could not wait for the season to end.

Now my kids do a sport where nobody in the area goes so I don’t have to deal with it.

Since I did have such flexibility, I was taken advantage of quite a bit. I purposely took my job over something that paid more/longer hours so I could be with my kids after school. So I wouldn’t worry- just say “no”.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:12     Subject: Re:Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand!

If your child wakes up sick and stays home from school, you have to remember to call the other parent and tell her you aren't doing car pool that day, so the other child knows to skip the afternoon activity and ride the bus home... it's an added headache.

I don't think you suck at all. If I were in the other family's position, I'd be so embarrassed to ask someone to drive my kid without any kind of offer of reciprocation!



This, along with your feeling like the other parent is trying to use you. Unless we're missing some critical info, it would have made more sense for the other parent to ask to carpool with you both splitting the trips. I'm someone who gladly does favors when people need them, but this sounds more like a taker.

Go with your gut and say no guilt-free.


This. Some people have a lot of nerve. If this isn’t a friend of yours, where do they get off thinking this is something you should do? How do they not feel obligated to help pull their weight? Just say “no, sorry, that doesn’t work for us.” Who cares if she gets annoyed? She’s not your friend anyway.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:08     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?


"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."


Why? Because she is not a doormat? The other family wants her to do something for them with no offer of returning the favor. It woukd be different if the family had an illness or something, but there are lots of people who are just looking to make thier lives easier at the cost of others.

Op,

You are fine. If you want, offer to share the driving. But it is also ok for you to want to just take care of your own kid. The people who believe in all the it takes a village crap are usually the ones that take more than they give.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 21:02     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Did they offer to split the driving with you?


No


Then no.
Anonymous
Post 05/17/2018 20:29     Subject: Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?


"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."


‘Not a doormat’ is more accurate.