Anonymous wrote:OP here:
-Yes I agree it's a parenting issue, I guess I was looking for support and advice on how to handle this
-She eats almost no processed sugar or carbs - we mostly cook from scratch and eat fresh fruits and vegetables every day
-She does have a weak immune system, especially a weak respiratory system, that's always been the case. During good times she does fine, but we moved here from overseas last year so I think she's catching all the bugs here before she rebuilds her immunity

Question: any advice on the words I can use to get her to understand the issue and to listen to me better, with less conflict? (Before I get flamed for being a pushover - I'm not a pushover and my kids are quite reasonable in general. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this particular issue, that's why I'm here.)

Be strict and consistent. It sounds to me that the child was not disciplined from the early age, and now she is not obeying you at all. Just sit down and talk to her about what reasonable for your family. Tell her you can handle one party a week (time wise and financially) and this is not negotiable. Let her choose which one she will be attending. I would not bring up concerns about her health at all. I would only talk about how much parents can handle. If you don't have money to buy X amount of presents, you don't go to X amount of parties. Period. There will be some drama at first, but if you remain consistent, she will adjust. Kids always like to test your boundaries, but you are the one who decide in the end of the day.

Mandatory rest period is just a common sense and I don't understand why would any parent let a child who just recovered from cold to attend the party. I never let my kids go anywhere for at least a week. This is more out of consideration for other children. It also helps the child who just recovered from illness to rebuild his immune system and not to get a new viruses.

As previous posters mentioned, check her for allergies.

Before restricting her social life, help her create good hand washing habits. Hand washing is a miracle cure for kids who are frequently ill. If you still have a problem despite robust, consistent hand washing, check with her pediatrician.

I don’t think the things you describe lead to colds. Of course if you think she’s doing too much it’s your job to regulate it. She’s 10. Weird post.

Anonymous wrote:I expected this to be about an older teen. Tween, party all the time?

Yeah, I think you mean "socialize," OP, since party has a specific connotation, often related to drinking alcohol!

I don't think two social things a week plus playing with the neighbor kids sounds excessive. I can understand limiting sleepovers and picking her up at an agreed upon time instead of having her stay all night, but otherwise I would take it up with her doctor. I don't think it's good to limit an extroverted kid's normal socializing because of a health issue that may or may not be related.

Question: any advice on the words I can use to get her to understand the issue and to listen to me better, with less conflict? (Before I get flamed for being a pushover - I'm not a pushover and my kids are quite reasonable in general. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this particular issue, that's why I'm here.)

Sure. Here are the words:

No.
Because I said so.
Firstly, you don't HAVE to understand; you just have to do what you've been told, and secondly, you DO understand; you just don't like what you were told.

Eliminate sleepovers. This will solve 85% of your problem. Honestly - kids can get so run down and then more susceptible to everything.

I expected this to be about an older teen. Tween, party all the time?

You've taught her that your "no" is meaningless, and that she will get her way if she cries and carries on, so of course she is going to do this.

You need to break this habit now, and stick to your guns. It will be painful because she won't believe you and will keep upping the ante. You must resolve to set and stick with boundaries, whatever she throws at you. It will not be easy.

You should have done this when she was three, not ten. But do it now, or Lord help you when she's thirteen. Bottom line is she doesn't respect you, and it's not going to unless you make some serious changes to your parenting.

Anonymous wrote:This sounds really irrational and mean, but I'm sure there's a good-parenting solution here. My DD, 10, who's a bit ADHD (not medicated) and *very* social keeps pushing herself to the limit with social activities/playtime and then keeps getting terrible colds which a) require husband and me to take days off and stay up at night with her and b) cause her to miss important days at school, sport games, performances. I can give examples but the details are quite tedious -- suffice it to say she insists on going to every single birthday sleepover, playdate, movie invitation she gets, and there are usually 2 of those a week in addition to afternoon playtime with the neighbors. Every time I tell her to stay home and rest she has a crying meltdown and begs to go out, and when I finally relent I end up regretting it the next day. My question: who's responsible here for keeping her healthy and ensuring she meets her school/extra-curricular obligations? She's generally a conscientious kid, gets good grades, wants to attend every soccer practice, and so on, even when she's sick. But she doesn't believe me when I tell her that running around too much will wear down her immune system, and I'm tired of fighting about it all the time (and having to stay awake all night taking care of her.) Help please!

OP, "parents" like you really scare me. I truly hope this is a troll post.

The problem is you and your husband. Just say no.

You can and should point to past examples of how this has worked out for her. You overdo it, you get sick, you stay home and I miss work and get in trouble, you have to make up schoolwork, it's no fun for anyone.

Also start giving the kid vitamin C or airborne when they do these sleepovers. But really you should be limiting the numbero f times per week or month she's allowed to go on all these outings. If I was her friend's parents, I'd be annoyed if she was around all the time late into the night.

1. Your mantra is "parenting isn't supposed to feel good to me, but create a good adult"

2. Show some spine.

3. Get her more sleep and better hygeine habits.

4. Enough with the missed work for colds. She has to handle herself with greater maturity.

Why are you staying up all night when your 10yo has a cold? That seems very excessive and unnecessary.

Anonymous wrote:OP here:
-Yes I agree it's a parenting issue, I guess I was looking for support and advice on how to handle this
-She eats almost no processed sugar or carbs - we mostly cook from scratch and eat fresh fruits and vegetables every day
-She does have a weak immune system, especially a weak respiratory system, that's always been the case. During good times she does fine, but we moved here from overseas last year so I think she's catching all the bugs here before she rebuilds her immunity

Question: any advice on the words I can use to get her to understand the issue and to listen to me better, with less conflict? (Before I get flamed for being a pushover - I'm not a pushover and my kids are quite reasonable in general. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this particular issue, that's why I'm here.)

OP, it sounds like this is the one issue your daughter gives pushback and that's when your parenting falls apart. Good parenting is not giving an instruction and having a child somewhat happily comply. It's staying respectful and firm when the child freaks out in disagreement.

The words you are looking for "Your father and I decided one sleepover each weekend, and no birthday parties on days you also have soccer games. It is important to have down time for adequate rest." (or whatever boundaries you think she needs). Repeat as necessary. Your consistency will be what gradually leads to her grudging acceptance. Right now you've taught her to complain until she gets her way. Expect her to complain even more for a while as she tries to find your new "push over point".

Also, give up the idea that she will "understand" why you have these rules. She is becoming a teenager. By definition she will push back on every reasonable boundary you set for her. It's what they do. If it helps you, just remember that deep down they are relieved when you stick to your guns. It shows them its safe to spread their wings a little because you are still watching out for them and won't let them do anything too stupid.