Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

I'm also a SAHM with one child. I'm not sure what is so hard. It is actually ridiculously easy, I kind of feel bad not having a job. We do have an accountant, so not sure why I would tax plan. I assume you are high income, so it surprises me you do not have this. Our stocks do not take daily work (and we have many, DH has worked for a few start ups, a couple of that went IOP and we have generous grants form those past jobs).

My son goes to a small church based pre-school 5 days a week and when he is there I work out for about 1.5hrs, sit in the sauna most days, take a nice long hot shower, blowdry my hair, apply make-up and leave to get DS. We have lunch, play, often I take care of stufft that needs to be done while he plays by himself (it is good for kids to entertain themselves) we set up some play dates with kids from preschool from time to time (often is in drop off, so I will have another kid or two or he will be at someone's house).

There is only 3 of us so the house does not get too messy. We have house cleaners 1x a week and a lawn service that does our lawn and keeps things mulched and weeded and flowers planted. We are not DIY people, so when the house needs work, i call someone. IN general, I consider it MY JOB to run a calm and smooth household so he can come home and we can all relax as a family. I cherish my friendships, so I do go out 1-2 nights a week with friends in order to maintain those relationships. It is not too much for DH to be home when i need to go out.

maybe you have more going on. Could you be suffering from depression? Because I know I have a nice gig and it sounds like you should too. So many women I know do it with 3-4 kids.

Just to be clear, you have a ton of help: 5 days/week of preschool, house cleaning, a lawn service, and no DIY house stuff. Plus you don't have the emotional overhead of having a contentious spousal relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

I'm also a SAHM with one child. I'm not sure what is so hard. It is actually ridiculously easy, I kind of feel bad not having a job. We do have an accountant, so not sure why I would tax plan. I assume you are high income, so it surprises me you do not have this. Our stocks do not take daily work (and we have many, DH has worked for a few start ups, a couple of that went IOP and we have generous grants form those past jobs).

My son goes to a small church based pre-school 5 days a week and when he is there I work out for about 1.5hrs, sit in the sauna most days, take a nice long hot shower, blowdry my hair, apply make-up and leave to get DS. We have lunch, play, often I take care of stufft that needs to be done while he plays by himself (it is good for kids to entertain themselves) we set up some play dates with kids from preschool from time to time (often is in drop off, so I will have another kid or two or he will be at someone's house).

There is only 3 of us so the house does not get too messy. We have house cleaners 1x a week and a lawn service that does our lawn and keeps things mulched and weeded and flowers planted. We are not DIY people, so when the house needs work, i call someone. IN general, I consider it MY JOB to run a calm and smooth household so he can come home and we can all relax as a family. I cherish my friendships, so I do go out 1-2 nights a week with friends in order to maintain those relationships. It is not too much for DH to be home when i need to go out.

maybe you have more going on. Could you be suffering from depression? Because I know I have a nice gig and it sounds like you should too. So many women I know do it with 3-4 kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with all these SAHMs listing ‘investing’ as a core task? How much time can you possibly spend on this? Are you diving into financial statements or buying stocks on margin?

Also, a SAHM with a traveling for work DH is NOTHING like a single mom. Bollucks.

OP, your DH makes mad money but seems to take you for granted, so hire whatever help you need. I would plan to summer at the beach or something like that, it will help recharge to deal with all the other ‘ick’ you allude to.

OP here. It depends on how actively you invest and in what. A lot of people buy and hold stock and ETFs and that is fine and doesn't take much work. DH and I invest in these as well as limited partnership interests in real estate developments, private equity funds, among other things. DH just got on my case because I hadn't reviewed any of the paperwork for a new real estate investment and I recently missed a Q&A with the general partner because I didn't have childcare and was too exhausted, anyway.

Anonymous wrote:Please response on this thread so I know I'm not the only one (not yet, but about to). I would like to hear what kind of help (e.g., childcare) you have and how much. And if you were not okay with DH's lack of help, how you came to terms with it and what coping mechanisms (other than the extra help) you have.

I am a SAHM and DH is a law firm partner, we have a preschooler. We went to the same law school and are close in age, I am not a trophy wife nor did we ever expect me to SAH, but it turned out that way once DH made partner. He is a high stress person in a demanding job and shoves off as much non-job responsibility as he can. He does zero for our home (leaves his trash lying around instead of throwing in waste bin) and very little for DD. There's a lot more I can say about this as well as other complaints, but this isn't the purpose of my post.

Aside from being a SAHM, I do a lot of work that is important to both me and DH. I invest our portfolio, help both sets of grandparents with business and personal affairs, tax plan, take on tasks related to DH's work, and homeschool DD in our second language. Put together, this is easily 20 hrs of my week and could be more. I have some, but not a lot of help and realize it isn't enough to get the above done, be a SAHM and take decent care of myself. Things take turns getting neglected or just not done. My health has been poor since DD was born and I've hit perimenopause about a decade early with no family or health history to explain it.

This isn't a "woe is me" post and I don't need anyone to tell me how lucky I am that I can afford help or that I need to divorce DH, have no additional kids with him, etc. I've finally decided to put me first, spend some of the money that DH is making towards getting adequate help and trying not to feel guilty about it. Would just love to hear from others who are or have been in my boat.

Anonymous wrote:I have been a SAHM while DH was deployed 6 months. I’ve done that twice.

And I’ve been a SAHM while DH worked late hours, basically coming home each night right after kids fell asleep.

And I’ve WOHM.

By far the hardest for me was dealing with DH’s late hours. He was stressed and contributed nothing during the week. By far the worst for me. It’s easier when he’s just gone.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a full time WOHM and it recently dawned on DH and me that we can afford to outsource more so therefore we should! No shame in that. Do what works for you.

Serious question - why are people pointing out that they are not "trophy wives"? Why would this change the situation? Is a trophy wife expected to demand more paid help as part of the deal or something? I'm not trying to be judgmental, I'm honestly curious why this distinction is meaningful in this conversation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found that housekeeping help is more useful than additional childcare. I hired someone 12 hours/wk to do all deep cleaning, laundry, and general organization. It frees up a lot of my time and general headspace.

How did you find this person and what is this position called? Our home is a disaster (DH recently moved half of his office belongings home) and I would love some help to organize.