Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:48     Subject: Re:Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Talk to a therapist with your husband. What you are doing is causing eating disorders.


OP here. No, she's always been this way. If we don't push her to eat she just won't eat.


What do you think the outcome of this dynamic will be when she is a teenager and wants to prove to her dad that he is not the boss of her?
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:38     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:I don’t condone OP’s approach, obviously, but I can understand her frustration at everyone saying their kids are skinny/light eaters and just fine when she’s already said her 5 year old is only 34 lbs (for reference, my 18 month old is 31 or so) and the ped is concerned.


34 lbs is with the range of normal for a 4yo. The yelling is counterproductive, and probably part of the reason the child hasn't gained weight this year. I've got a skinny kid, and was a skinny/picky eater myself. Being frustrated/concerned is understandable, yelling at every meal is not. Op and her DH are on their way to creating a kid with an unhealthy relationship to food. This has to change.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:29     Subject: Re:Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:No snacks ever. And I always make one thing for dinner I know she will eat - whether its the main item or a side dish. Thats what helped our DD learn to eat dinner.


Why no snacks? Starving a kid makes them cranky and uncomfortable. Why on earth would you do that. We always make one thing our child will eat or its a sandwich or cereal or something else easy depending on what we had. Patience and keep trying along with a drop of bribery helped. I still have a picky kid but no longer underweight.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:24     Subject: Re:Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
No snacks ever. And I always make one thing for dinner I know she will eat - whether its the main item or a side dish. Thats what helped our DD learn to eat dinner.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:23     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
I don’t condone OP’s approach, obviously, but I can understand her frustration at everyone saying their kids are skinny/light eaters and just fine when she’s already said her 5 year old is only 34 lbs (for reference, my 18 month old is 31 or so) and the ped is concerned.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:20     Subject: Re:Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Talk to a therapist with your husband. What you are doing is causing eating disorders.


This. I'm kinda horrified just reading this. Have you looked at any Ellyn Satter books, I think they could help you. You guys are acting in a very controlling way towards her eating habits, and it's already backfiring. This will only get worse without intervention.


OP here. So, we should just let her not eat? Go to bed eating two spoonfuls of pasta? Really???

Wow, the replies here are so bad. It's ridiculous. Wow, just wow...


OP, what on earth did you think we would say? To yell more? Beat her? It's rare parents agree on this board and yet we ALL do: the yelling is terrible and counter productive. You need professional help. Please follow one of the recommendations here for a clinic or specialist.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:15     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I'm 19:39.

Contrary to popular opinion, yes, there are children who will go into FAILURE TO THRIVE, through not eating enough.

The idea that no child will allow himself to starve is a damageable myth.

My son was in failure to thrive as a toddler, and put on a high calorie diet, and is now again in the 2nd percentile as a tween, which is of great concern to his pediatrician.




There are FTT kids, but yelling at them to eat is not the solution.

There are indeed kids like this, but not sure if this is OP's kid.

OP, I am/have been in your shoes. When our kids don't want to eat what's put in front of them, they eat sloooowly, and just a few bites, my DH yells at them. I, too, get upset at them, but like you, yell less. We get upset because we don't want them to be picky eaters, and only eat what they like. We want them to learn that sometimes you will be served something you don't like, and you just have to deal with it.

We had a rule where whatever you didn't eat for dinner it was your breakfast or lunch the next day, and you don't get any dessert or treat until that meal is finished. We don't like to waste food either. It's happened a few times over the years. My kids are older than your's now, and while they still at times hem and haw when they are served what they don't like, they will still eat it. The older one has learned to eat whatever he doesn't like first to get it over with. I have toned it down, but DH still at times gets very stern with our younger one over this. I have told him to stop it because I don't want DC to have an eating disorder later in life. Just calmly tell your DC that she can have that for breakfast the next day. Again, if she doesn't have a case of failure to thrive, hopefully she will get the message.

I agree with you.. you shouldn't always just cook your DC's favorite. I try to cook a variety of things.. sometimes my favorite, sometimes one of the kid's favorites, and they both have different favorites. I'm not a short order cook. I don't cook things on demand. I can make allowances for a 5 year old, but when a 12 year old is over my house for dinner and doesn't like what's for dinner, I'm not making something else for that kid. Having a dinner party can be a pia when there are picky eaters.

Your DC is still young, so you will struggle with this. Be patient, and calm (I know.. it's hard. I can say this in hindsight).

I totally reminds me of my childhood friend's home. Her mom wanted her to eat (my parents were "she would not starve" type), so she would not let us from the table. I could not eat the food provided, so I pretended to eat, while waiting for her mom to get distracted, so I can run to the bathroom and throw away my food. I hated that food.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:08     Subject: Re:Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
My grandmother was always terrified of the way I ate: omg, she ate one tomato. I had a plate of lemon slices at birthday parties made specifically for me. The reality was I didn't like most of the foods, they were not tasty for me. I started cooking very early and made food to my liking. I am still very finicky, but I cook. Have you tried making food with your daughter? I had so many rules (still have), like meat can't touch vegetables if you plan to eat them (destroys the taste of both). I could actually have my rules in place when I started to cook (I made meals for my parents separately).
No amount of screaming would have made me eat, though, I would have thrown up right there.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 21:00     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:Your kid falls in to one of two categories:

1. Normal light eater who will not let herself starve. In this case, you just need to provide the food and let her eat or not. OR
2. Has a medical issue and needs intervention by medical professionals which may include a gtube or other invasive thing.

In either case, screaming at her isn't helpful and you need help.


Best response so far.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 20:55     Subject: Re:Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
break*

And I meant to add-- Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 20:52     Subject: Re:Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
My DD used to eat very slowly, and she was also very thin early in life (now she is tracking well). We actually resorted to purposely distracting her when she was like 3-5. We let her watch a show while she ate her veggies. Basically, as she watched, I would hand her a carrot and she would just eat it mindlessly. Process would continue throughout most of the meal. She is now 6 and eats a great, wide diet and eats efficiently, and will stop when she is full.

I totally understand how frustrating it can be, because I have been there. I also understand the temptation to yell, but it really doesn't work-- as you have found-- and it really will hamper a positive relationship between you daughter and you two.

You need to brake the cycle. Take your husband away from the table. Distract yourself (maybe do dishes or prepare dinner for you and your husband to eat later, so your in the same vicinity as her but still not sitting there, overly invested in what she has or has not eaten.

Get rid of snacks. If she gets hungry, feed her part of her dinner -- IE carrot sticks, green pepper slices, cucumber, apple slices, etc. Snacks are for after dinner in our house.

I also find that my kids got overwhelmed if they had too much food on their plate, even if they ate that same amount of food every day. As she watches, hand her one type of food at a time. Use small portions and reasonable expectations.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 20:52     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, this sounds like a pretty messed up dynamic. My kids are skinny and light eaters, but I let them be for the most part. Your Dh is at best, not helping, and at worst, exacerbating the issue. Have you spoken with any professionals about the problem?


+1
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 20:50     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He should not eat with her. Seriously. Being screamed at to eat is not a pleasant way to go through life for your daughter, and his blood pressure must be shooting up each time too.

Can you sit with her when she eats dinner and then you and DH eat the meal?

My 4 and 6 yr olds eat the prior night's leftovers each night for dinner, and DH and I eat dinner after they go to bed.


OP here. Doesn't matter who sits with her. I don't think you folks are understanding the situation. Our daughter doesn't eat regardless of who's around. That's the problem. I scream at her also, just not as often. I'm a SAHM. I can understand when he comes home and then has to deal with our daughter not eating it drives him nuts. What's with all the hate on him? Honestly, I feel the same way. I just don't scream "as much".


Why did you post, OP? You knew you would get criticism of your husband with your post, right? His screaming at her to eat is not healthy for her, for him, for their relationship long term. The screaming doesn't help change her behavior if she just does the same thing day after day. I'm sorry. I really don't know what you should do to get her to eat more and it does sound like a serious and frustrating issue. But clearly you and your husbands' anger and yelling isn't working so please talk to her pediatrician and see if you can get a referral to someone who can help (maybe a therapist who specializes in eating issues? A dietician?) and maybe read some of the books recommended here. But I hope you will try a different approach. I do feel sad for your daughter, who is only five, to think of her growing up with parents yelling at her each meal. That must be so stressful and unpleasant and who knows how it is damaging her.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 20:34     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He should not eat with her. Seriously. Being screamed at to eat is not a pleasant way to go through life for your daughter, and his blood pressure must be shooting up each time too.

Can you sit with her when she eats dinner and then you and DH eat the meal?

My 4 and 6 yr olds eat the prior night's leftovers each night for dinner, and DH and I eat dinner after they go to bed.


OP here. Doesn't matter who sits with her. I don't think you folks are understanding the situation. Our daughter doesn't eat regardless of who's around. That's the problem. I scream at her also, just not as often. I'm a SAHM. I can understand when he comes home and then has to deal with our daughter not eating it drives him nuts. What's with all the hate on him? Honestly, I feel the same way. I just don't scream "as much".


I get it. My daughter is 7.5 and weighs 40lbs. It's stressful to have a kid who doesn't eat. But what your husband is doing is abusive, and could increase her issues around eating and really mess her up for the long run. If I were you, I would ask your DH not to eat with her until you can get her evaluated and have a professional have you develop a plan (and for my daughter the official plan is that she sits with the family during meals, eats what she chooses which includes at least one calorie dense food that she likes, and we don't freak out).
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2018 20:31     Subject: Dad gets angry when our daughter doesn't eat
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I'm 19:39.

Contrary to popular opinion, yes, there are children who will go into FAILURE TO THRIVE, through not eating enough.

The idea that no child will allow himself to starve is a damageable myth.

My son was in failure to thrive as a toddler, and put on a high calorie diet, and is now again in the 2nd percentile as a tween, which is of great concern to his pediatrician.




There are FTT kids, but yelling at them to eat is not the solution.


If you read my post at 19:39, you'll see what we implemented. No one has ever said yelling was OK. But some kids will really challenge you in that regard, and it's very difficult for someone who hasn't gone through it do understand how bad it can be.