The kid doesn't actually get the money! For most it goes into the college fund, or other savings vehicle for the child. Gift cards and gifts go directly to the child...

Anonymous wrote:"What do you give for a family member or very close family friend?"

$108 or $118

NP here. Thank you. The son of one of my best friends from college has his Bar Mitzvah this summer and we were trying to figure out what the best amount to give him is. As a goy, I was going to give $130 ($10 for each year to becoming a man) but I'll go with one of these instead unless I come up with an actual gift. I still have 5 weeks to try to think of a good gift.

If my DC read this thread, DC would want to be Jewish. DC would rake it in. That's a lot of money for a 13 yr old. I didn't know about the 18 rule. DC is going to a BVah soon. We will do $36 gift card, which is fine, but some of you who think that's cheap for a 13 yr old are living in a bubble. If that is what you expect because that's tradition, then maybe you should only invite Jewish people who get it, and not us gentiles who think $36 for a 13 yr old is plenty.

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to 7th grade! My DS went to about 6 all year, and DD seems to go every other weekend. We did $54 for each. Yep, an expensive year, but whatever, it's one year, not every year!

I had a son who had a bar mitzvah and also went to other kids' bar mitzvahs.

- No one should be obligated to give any presents, especially if giving the present would be a hardship. A bar mitzvah is not an excuse to shake people down.

- I think that, for money gifts under about $50, the best vehicle is cash. Depositing checks is a pain, and it takes some work to use a gift card. Cash may be a little tacky, but it's practical.

- If guests want to spend less than $20 on a gift, maybe just giving a physical gift can help get around concerns about cheapness. If you get the gift from a nice brick-and-mortar bookstore, for example, you can get a gift and help the bookstore at the same time.

"What do you give for a family member or very close family friend?"

$108 or $118

Being appropriate isn’t weird.

Your die hard defense of calling people cheap is weird.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you thinking that $36 is cheap....if you're child is being invited to Bar/Bat mitzvah's it means it's the year. My kid gets invited to at least 2 a month, sometimes more, and sometimes multiple ones on the same day.

Yes, the bar/bat mitzvah is a big deal. But I cannot write multiple checks of $72 or $100 per month.

For family members, I give more. But for classmates, I give $18 if I've only heard their name in passing, $36 if my kid is actually friends with the kid, and more if we, as a family are friends with the kids family.

It is still cheap. And giving gifts to friends for very significant religious milestones is simply part of having a child who is normal and has friends. The things people will say to justify how cheap they are ...

You are very fortunate to be in such a generous financial position.

I SAVED FOR THIS! I'm not rich. I looked at my daughter's social life, realized she would be invited to a lot of ceremonies, and started saving for this when she was ten.

You are weird.

Being appropriate isn’t weird.

If it makes you feel better to believe yourself, be my guest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you thinking that $36 is cheap....if you're child is being invited to Bar/Bat mitzvah's it means it's the year. My kid gets invited to at least 2 a month, sometimes more, and sometimes multiple ones on the same day.

Yes, the bar/bat mitzvah is a big deal. But I cannot write multiple checks of $72 or $100 per month.

For family members, I give more. But for classmates, I give $18 if I've only heard their name in passing, $36 if my kid is actually friends with the kid, and more if we, as a family are friends with the kids family.

It is still cheap. And giving gifts to friends for very significant religious milestones is simply part of having a child who is normal and has friends. The things people will say to justify how cheap they are ...

You are very fortunate to be in such a generous financial position.

I SAVED FOR THIS! I'm not rich. I looked at my daughter's social life, realized she would be invited to a lot of ceremonies, and started saving for this when she was ten.

You are weird.

Being appropriate isn’t weird.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meet in the middle. Check for $50.

Did you miss the 18 part, honey?

Simple.

Anonymous wrote:For those of you thinking that $36 is cheap....if you're child is being invited to Bar/Bat mitzvah's it means it's the year. My kid gets invited to at least 2 a month, sometimes more, and sometimes multiple ones on the same day.

Yes, the bar/bat mitzvah is a big deal. But I cannot write multiple checks of $72 or $100 per month.

For family members, I give more. But for classmates, I give $18 if I've only heard their name in passing, $36 if my kid is actually friends with the kid, and more if we, as a family are friends with the kids family.

What do you give for a family member or very close family friend?

Welcome to 7th grade! My DS went to about 6 all year, and DD seems to go every other weekend. We did $54 for each. Yep, an expensive year, but whatever, it's one year, not every year!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you thinking that $36 is cheap....if you're child is being invited to Bar/Bat mitzvah's it means it's the year. My kid gets invited to at least 2 a month, sometimes more, and sometimes multiple ones on the same day.

Yes, the bar/bat mitzvah is a big deal. But I cannot write multiple checks of $72 or $100 per month.

For family members, I give more. But for classmates, I give $18 if I've only heard their name in passing, $36 if my kid is actually friends with the kid, and more if we, as a family are friends with the kids family.

It is still cheap. And giving gifts to friends for very significant religious milestones is simply part of having a child who is normal and has friends. The things people will say to justify how cheap they are ...

You are very fortunate to be in such a generous financial position.

I SAVED FOR THIS! I'm not rich. I looked at my daughter's social life, realized she would be invited to a lot of ceremonies, and started saving for this when she was ten.

Again, you are very fortunate to be in such a financial position that you were able to start saving 3 years ago for gifts for your daughters friends.

Exactly. Some parents don't have often (or, in some cases, ever) enough left over after paying for necessities to put money aside for bar mitzvah gifts. And if & when they do have money left over, they are going to use it to save for more important things college or unexpected medical expenses.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you thinking that $36 is cheap....if you're child is being invited to Bar/Bat mitzvah's it means it's the year. My kid gets invited to at least 2 a month, sometimes more, and sometimes multiple ones on the same day.

Yes, the bar/bat mitzvah is a big deal. But I cannot write multiple checks of $72 or $100 per month.

For family members, I give more. But for classmates, I give $18 if I've only heard their name in passing, $36 if my kid is actually friends with the kid, and more if we, as a family are friends with the kids family.

It is still cheap. And giving gifts to friends for very significant religious milestones is simply part of having a child who is normal and has friends. The things people will say to justify how cheap they are ...

Oh, ffs. Not everybody can afford to give a large amount. For some people, giving $36 or even $18 is not cheap, it is a significant financial sacrifice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you thinking that $36 is cheap....if you're child is being invited to Bar/Bat mitzvah's it means it's the year. My kid gets invited to at least 2 a month, sometimes more, and sometimes multiple ones on the same day.

Yes, the bar/bat mitzvah is a big deal. But I cannot write multiple checks of $72 or $100 per month.

For family members, I give more. But for classmates, I give $18 if I've only heard their name in passing, $36 if my kid is actually friends with the kid, and more if we, as a family are friends with the kids family.

It is still cheap. And giving gifts to friends for very significant religious milestones is simply part of having a child who is normal and has friends. The things people will say to justify how cheap they are ...

You are very fortunate to be in such a generous financial position.

I SAVED FOR THIS! I'm not rich. I looked at my daughter's social life, realized she would be invited to a lot of ceremonies, and started saving for this when she was ten.

You are weird.

We just celebrated my son's. He got a huge range of gifts - $18, $36, $50, and $54 and actual presents. Most of the kids were non-Jewish, but had apparently heard about the $18 "rule." We even had a few kids come who didn't give gifts. One child is very poor and I am so glad he came and didn't give a gift! The other who didn't give a gift is a child of a physician.